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feeling trapped
#1
not entirely sure why i'm posting this.. maybe just because i don't know who to talk to/what to say..

when i try my best my family dont believe me and say they know better even though they dont even remember how old i am let alone how im feeling, when i reach out for help i get told to get over it and stop wallowing in self pity, after achieving something no matter how big or small its never good enough even if it was near impossible for me to do, when i confront them on it im just exaggerating and playing the victim, when i try to hide away because nothing i say or do is right im just avoiding my problems and being lazy and bringing it on myself and thats why im so depressed in the first place..

i kind of have friends? but i cant talk to them about anything they just freeze up and change the subject. i made online friends but they have no commitments to me of course, they have real lives to attend to and theyre supposed to be friends not a place to dump my issues. never really had a boyfriend and im definitely in no state to have one now..

on a waiting list for a new type of therapy but god knows when ill get that plus been having counselling and therapy for years and yep im no better if anything im worse lol. not to say it doesnt work for others or that its bad or anything though.

every day is a fight really.. i cut and starve and choke myself into near unconsciousness because its the only way to stop myself from killing myself but im wondering whats the point :/ even my family say im a burden and its true, i genuinely am a burden i spend most of my life hurting myself to stay alive what good is that to anyone really. my brain is a mess i cant sleep eat socialize i dont really have hobbies anymore.. i feel empty.

sorry for dumping this on here but i feel lost.. its like i dont actually want to die i want life to get better and look back on this as just a horrible start but the pressure and stress is only getting worse and its too much for me to handle

i know this all sounds really pathetic and i guess it is.. i feel stuck.
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#2
It sounds pretty awful.....but this forum is a good place to dump our agony. Your family aren't any help are they? Those friends either. Maybe changing the company you keep might help you feel better about yourself.
Try and not do the cutting and starving and choking yourself....there's got to be some other way to stop from killing yourself. Any possibility of focusing on living type activities rather than self hurtful type things?
Contentment comes from within.  Do not seek it from outside yourself.

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#3
I can relate to you somewhat. While I had good parents, those are not the kind of issues we could talk to them about and as such, I was left to fend off by myself. I never went as far as cutting myself, though, I don't think it's better, I started preying on others. It wasn't a pleasant experience but I was a different person at that time.
It won't suddenly become better and you won't suddenly get over it. As hard is it may be to, you have to start completely reorienting your state of mind, one little thing at a time. Start it simply.
At the time, I started keeping a diary. I had it for maybe 8 or 9 years. Every time something went wrong, every time I wanted to punch someone, I'd write an entry in it. I also started taking martial arts classes and bodybuilding, as a way to throw out all the pent up energy I had. It's hard to do violence, wether it be on yourself or others, when you have the pleasant and warm pain of barely feeling your arms anymore ;-)

You're a very sensitive person. That much is obvious. You care a lot about everything, probably too much so and it's contributing to your problem. You're going to have to slowly learn how to distance yourself from what others may say and build up your confidence in who you are, as a person. First thing first; you are NOT a burden. Unless you're crippled and no longer able to eat or talk, you will never be. Take that out of your mind. You might need help to reach what others would consider "normal", but that doesn't make you a weight on anyone, no matter what others say. You are YOU and, in all the history to come and that which has already passed, there has NEVER been another you like YOU. That's unique, precious, and certainly worth caring about. If I could suggest an activity to take, take something physically stimulating; you don't need to think while doing it and you're usually concentrated enough in it that it takes all your time. Not to mention it helps your body, but mostly, it helps your mind. You'll find out you're capable of doing many things and that'll help you build up some confidence.

Learns to listen to yourself BEFORE listening to others, as well as discarding what's negative or unwanted that they may say. You don't need that. You'll find out you're a wonderful person and that life is worth living again. It takes time, a long time, but you can do it.
I believe in you.
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#4
You are relying too much on the validation of others. It doesn't matter if it's enough or this person or that person, what matters is if it's enough for YOU? Are you proud of what you've done? Do you feel a sense of achievement when you do something (before you tell anyone else)? If you do, the rest doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what they say, they can only take that accomplishment away if you let them.

As for your online "friends"....yeah, not so much. You can "dump" shit on friends, that's what they are for.

Is there any way you can move out? I assume you are still living at home with your family by the way you talk. Into a dorm or something like that?
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