I'm not attracted to my girlfriend who I live with

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Terry94

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For a while now I've realised I'm stating to lose feelings for my girlfriend, I care about her but I don't find her sexually attractive anymore and I feel awkward kissing her now. Trouble is I live with her and I have no other friends or family so I would be homeless as the flat is in her name. We have almost broke up a couple times but she threated to kill herself including one time taking about 10 tablets to overdose. I'm now at the point where I'm trying to get her to dump me. I want a change, I don't want to be in a relationship anymore, ideally I would like to pursue other women. Behind her back I message and flirt with women but I haven't cheated (slept with anyone) I'm really unsure what to do. any advice would be ideal.
 
There are many different forms of cheating, what you are doing can be classed as emotional cheating. You say you would be homeless because you have no one but you are trying to get her to dump you, you'd end up homeless anyway so why stay. Have you thought about seeking counseling or anything, you care about here but don't love her, there must be a reason why, and could be worth finding out. Maybe it's due to her suicide attempts or maybe it's something else, don't know you well enough to hazard a real guess. If you care about someone you either let them go or work on your relationship to find out why your feelings have changed and work on them if you can. If she's attempted to kill herself before from just you two breaking up a few times, imagine what she might do if she finds out you are seeing other women behind her back.
 
Terry94 said:
We have almost broke up a couple times but she threated to kill herself including one time taking about 10 tablets to overdose.

That in itself is a sign of an abusive and troubled relationship, if nothing else. Threats of violence to others or to one's self should never be used to continue a relationship. My suggestion would be that the both of you go to a couple's councilor or some other form of professional help, where you can actually openly discuss these issues you're having (your own lack of sexual attraction and your need for a change, her threats, etc.). He or she can help you figure out if your own problems are born out of a relationship not going well and if it's worth, for the both of you, to keep it going or not.
I know it sounds like a big thing, but for having lived in such a relationship, you'll be better off with that than enduring however long it'll last until something bad happens.
Hope it helps.
 
Doing what you are doing is definitely a form of cheating, so don't lie to yourself about that one. It can't be justified. If you want out, then just get out. Don't put it on her to do the breaking up. Give her and yourself the respect you both deserve and just end it in a proper way.
 
Terry94 said:
We have almost broke up a couple times but she threated to kill herself including one time taking about 10 tablets to overdose.

I agree with Richard on this. Forget about the attraction, that seems to be a much bigger issue. Do you want to "fix" this and do you feel responsible for whatever happens to her in case you break up? Why did you get together in the first place, what did attract you to her? Questions worth asking yourself. If you don't want to continue, just get it over with. Get out of the relationship as soon as possible, the outcome seems to be becoming homeless either way. I suppose you don't have disposable income to get your own place? Or is it just the transitional phase that would make things difficult?
 
That sounds like a toxic situation to be in. My only advice would be to not allow your happiness, on any level, depend on her actions or threats of doing something. If she wants to harm herself, that's on her, and you shouldn't feel as though you need to stay because she can't handle the situation in a better way.
 
I agree with others... You ARE already cheating.. You need to stop and end it. Period.

As a betrayed spouse.. assuming you are not married.. but I was basically in the situation she is in.. So, in my point of view... YOU allowed yourself to fall out of love or attraction.. and now you are just playing her..

You need to just leave and end it BEFORE she finds out what you have been doing behind her back
 
My advice would be to sit her to talk and ignore any possible emotional manipulation like the threats of suicide - just honestly ask her: Are you happy? Because you're obviously not and this can't continue. I know it's tough when you weigh the practical matters but any obstacle seems less complicated when you have peace of mind and are free of the guilt this relationship makes you feel. If after an honest discussion about your relationship anything happens with her, you can rest your head every night and have no remorse because you did the right thing - but if you let this go further and she gets hurt in some way because of your actions or by feeling undesirable, it'll weigh on you forever. Way more than anything you'll have to do to find a place to live.

I don't know where you live but I'm sure you can find a shelter, maybe stay on a friend's couch for a bit, do you have any family? Truly, to me, that seems like the easy part to deal with. Do not let this continue, for the sake of both of you.

Edit: I don't think it's completely ok to judge OP for looking somewhere else for connections, even if he's doing behind her back. He obviously feels trapped in this toxic relationship and it's selfish, but emotional manipulation is selfish too and apparently she's been using that tool until this point to get him stuck - I don't get why someone would want to work in such a relationship when she can't even acknowledge her boyfriend's feelings and distaste for the path they're leading.
 
^^ Personally, I don't think anything can justify cheating. If you want out, get out. Regardless of what she does to him, it doesn't mean that it's okay for him to do whatever he wants. Of course he can do whatever he wants, but that doesn't make it right, regardless of why.


Keep in mind, though, that we only have ONE side of the story. You know the saying....You have his side, her side, and then you have the truth. Not saying OP is lying, just that it's very unlikely we have all of the details.
 
Personally, I think the world has more grey areas than anyone would like to admit. I don't advocate for cheating but I can also empathize when someone is in a situation like the one he described - and yes, I'm only working with the information I have.
 
Your gf sounds like a totally manipulative person that you need to get away from as soon as possible.
 
It sounds like she has Codependant Personality Disorder. You're going to have to end it sooner or later. If she wanted to kill herself she would have used a different method. Start looking for alternative accomodation now.
 
Tell her that and leave her. It may not seem to be a good idea, but it will help you both in the long run. It is completely fair to experience as many people as you can, before finding a "life partner".
 
Another reason why I've lost interest in her is she treats my honeysuckle quite a lot of the time moans at me, complains about stuff... for instance I recently passed my driving test but on one of my courses I struggled really bad and was going to quit so I told her and instead of getting support she said that we are to different and she doesn't think we are working and was basically going to dump me and then doesn't. I'm also quite annoyed as I'm always spending money she has no money at all so whenever she goes out I have to pay. If I could find somewhere to live I would go right now I want to be single and happy at the moment I'm neither.
 
Well ask yourself simply this: Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a person who treats you like honeysuckle.
And you will know what is the right thing to do.
 
Terry94 said:
Another reason why I've lost interest in her is she treats my honeysuckle quite a lot of the time moans at me, complains about stuff... for instance I recently passed my driving test but on one of my courses I struggled really bad and was going to quit so I told her and instead of getting support she said that we are to different and she doesn't think we are working and was basically going to dump me and then doesn't. I'm also quite annoyed as I'm always spending money she has no money at all so whenever she goes out I have to pay. If I could find somewhere to live I would go right now I want to be single and happy at the moment I'm neither.

Wait, does she have a job and just wastes all her money or is she mooching off of you?  Stop paying for everything.  If she doesn't have money when she wants to do something, just don't go do it and don't finance it.  Start looking for a place, even if it's just as a roommate, find out how much you need to make it happen and save it up.  You should be able to do so if you aren't financing her.

Congrats on passing your test.
 
You're in a toxic relationship and it's bad for both of you. The longer it persists the worse will be the consequences. Find an authentic and minimally hurtful way to end it.
 
Without judging either one, when a relationship gets toxic (threats to one life are toxic, very important to note ;-) )
you either find professional, neutral help, or you bail out. Extended it will only increase toxicity. It'll be better for you AND for her.
Of course, staying has a chance to make it better. Kind of like I have a chance to jump and a particularly strong wind gusts carries me to a resort in the Carribbean. But I wouldn't bank on it. ;-)
This needs to stop, though. As much for your sake as hers.
 
TheRealCallie said:
Stop paying for everything.  If she doesn't have money when she wants to do something, just don't go do it and don't finance it.

This.
 
NHey guys so I could do with some advice I feel really confused as I mentioned before I have been messaging other women well one has replied and gave me her number and wants to meet up and by the sound of it have sex but now I just feel really weird a little guilty I guess and I haven't messaged her I'm guaranteed sex bdt I don't know why I just froze and I'm not sure what to do any idea why?
 

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