Why am I pretending to be ok?

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

Osiris

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 6, 2017
Messages
130
Reaction score
0
This is a really hard question and I know alot of other people find this hard too. But why, when even my closest family and friends ask me if I'm ok, Do I say yes? It's actually becoming a real problem for me, it's like I'm constantly putting all my energy into pretending I'm fine. It's like I'm dying for someone to say, "you're not ok are you?" and they never do. I've got so good at fake happy I think my actual happy face would scare people now! There isn't much point to all this, just ask people if they're really ok and see what people say. It might surprise you!
 
Because that's what you (and we) have been taught. We were rewarded for being what our parents wanted to be, and going our own way would get us punished. This has taught us to become pretenders and that's what you are doing. Its all a magic of conditioning and programming.
 
I would guess it's likely that you are afraid of being vulnerable around people, afraid of letting them see inside you. Is there anyone you confide in with the truth? If not, I would recommend picking at least one person in your life that you feel you can trust with the truth, someone you don't have to hide from.
 
TheRealCallie said:
I would guess it's likely that you are afraid of being vulnerable around people, afraid of letting them see inside you.  Is there anyone you confide in with the truth?  If not, I would recommend picking at least one person in your life that you feel you can trust with the truth, someone you don't have to hide from.

Thank you but right now there isn't anyone I trust enough, It's horrible. I feel like I'm always looking out for other people but never getting any love back.
 
M_also_lonely said:
Because that's what you (and we) have been taught. We were rewarded for being what our parents wanted to be, and going our own way would get us punished. This has taught us to become pretenders and that's what you are doing. Its all a magic of conditioning and programming.

Now you and me would get along, it's all in the social conditioning telling us what's acceptable and what isn't. I'm going to go listen to some "Mr Traumatik" now lol
 
Osiris said:
M_also_lonely said:
Because that's what you (and we) have been taught. We were rewarded for being what our parents wanted to be, and going our own way would get us punished. This has taught us to become pretenders and that's what you are doing. Its all a magic of conditioning and programming.

Now you and me would get along, it's all in the social conditioning telling us what's acceptable and what isn't. I'm going to go listen to some "Mr Traumatik" now lol

No, it's about you choosing to live that way.  If you choose to follow what society thinks you should be, that's your right, but all it is, is an excuse.
 
On top of what others have said, we're also idiots, you know ;-)
We want to believe what we're saying. Because we want to be okay. But we're not.
You know, it's okay, sometimes, to NOT be okay. That's not something none of us were ever told, instead getting told "Man up". But times have changed and we realized how destructive that could sometimes be.

Walk up to someone you trust, say "I'm not okay" and let some of it out.
Because next time you'll be able to say "I'm feeling a bit better".
And that's pretty fun to say.
Cheers, bro.
 
Instead of going full out "I'm not okay," why not try something simple like "I've been better." That way you aren't putting yourself out there to trust someone with everything, but it opens it up for them to inquire.
 
TheRealCallie said:
Osiris said:
M_also_lonely said:
Because that's what you (and we) have been taught. We were rewarded for being what our parents wanted to be, and going our own way would get us punished. This has taught us to become pretenders and that's what you are doing. Its all a magic of conditioning and programming.

Now you and me would get along, it's all in the social conditioning telling us what's acceptable and what isn't. I'm going to go listen to some "Mr Traumatik" now lol

No, it's about you choosing to live that way.  If you choose to follow what society thinks you should be, that's your right, but all it is, is an excuse.

Choice is an illusion, otherwise we would probably all give up our jobs and go raving till we die...well I know I would.
 
TheRealCallie said:
Instead of going full out "I'm not okay," why not try something simple like "I've been better."  That way you aren't putting yourself out there to trust someone with everything, but it opens it up for them to inquire.

That is a good idea but the thing is I get more love in a random bar than I do from my Family sometimes. I'm better off just getting drunk and blurting it out in a bar while holding back tears then stumbling to a cab.  God I'm a loser. That way I don't have them the next day giving me "advice" like "get out more that'll help". Lately I've been on a self destructive path and too be honest It feels good, I think If I woke up tomorrow in an alleyway after being beaten up I'd just be happy because people would say "oooh that looks bad, are you okay? is there anything I can do for you" but depression no-one wants to help. If I told my family I was struggling they'd just say, "Do you need pills?" so it's pointless.
 
Osiris said:
TheRealCallie said:
Instead of going full out "I'm not okay," why not try something simple like "I've been better."  That way you aren't putting yourself out there to trust someone with everything, but it opens it up for them to inquire.

That is a good idea but the thing is I get more love in a random bar than I do from my Family sometimes. I'm better off just getting drunk and blurting it out in a bar while holding back tears then stumbling to a cab.  God I'm a loser. That way I don't have them the next day giving me "advice" like "get out more that'll help". Lately I've been on a self destructive path and too be honest It feels good, I think If I woke up tomorrow in an alleyway after being beaten up I'd just be happy because people would say "oooh that looks bad, are you okay? is there anything I can do for you" but depression no-one wants to help. If I told my family I was struggling they'd just say, "Do you need pills?" so it's pointless.

You definately don't want that, man.

Trust me, there's nothing worse than waking up and not knowing where you are, who you're with, or what the HELL you were doing with that person....
Doesn't need to be family. Needs to be someone you can trust. Try doing the exact same thing you're doing, only this time, do it sober. Or with max 1 or 2 beers.
You'll find the experience quite different.
You're not a loser, you're in a slump. We're all there at some point. It's not a competition on who sucks the most.
Just hang in there and try not to do something too stupid (child support is expensive, trust me ;-) ). Eventually, things will look up. You just need to down a couple less beers. Your body will thank you for it latter.
fresia, I'd even go with you if I could lol. Haven't had a drop in months. Sometimes it's fun. But too much is like not enough...
 
Richard_39 said:
Osiris said:
TheRealCallie said:
Instead of going full out "I'm not okay," why not try something simple like "I've been better."  That way you aren't putting yourself out there to trust someone with everything, but it opens it up for them to inquire.

That is a good idea but the thing is I get more love in a random bar than I do from my Family sometimes. I'm better off just getting drunk and blurting it out in a bar while holding back tears then stumbling to a cab.  God I'm a loser. That way I don't have them the next day giving me "advice" like "get out more that'll help". Lately I've been on a self destructive path and too be honest It feels good, I think If I woke up tomorrow in an alleyway after being beaten up I'd just be happy because people would say "oooh that looks bad, are you okay? is there anything I can do for you" but depression no-one wants to help. If I told my family I was struggling they'd just say, "Do you need pills?" so it's pointless.

You definately don't want that, man.

Trust me, there's nothing worse than waking up and not knowing where you are, who you're with, or what the HELL you were doing with that person....
Doesn't need to be family. Needs to be someone you can trust. Try doing the exact same thing you're doing, only this time, do it sober. Or with max 1 or 2 beers.
You'll find the experience quite different.
You're not a loser, you're in a slump. We're all there at some point. It's not a competition on who sucks the most.
Just hang in there and try not to do something too stupid (child support is expensive, trust me ;-) ). Eventually, things will look up. You just need to down a couple less beers. Your body will thank you for it latter.
fresia, I'd even go with you if I could lol. Haven't had a drop in months. Sometimes it's fun. But too much is like not enough...

Lol that bit about child support made me laugh, to be honest I'd love to be waking up forgetting what I did the night before. But my brain loves to give me flashbacks the next day and I'll be sitting there calmly trying not to be sick then thinking "Oh f*ck I didn't say that to her did I?". Great advice, but the problem is I don't trust anyone. I trust random people more than some of my closest family. I'm actually thinking of going out and getting messed up now! I might have a shot for ever comment on this thread (Joke)
 
Osiris said:
Lol that bit about child support made me laugh, to be honest I'd love to be waking up forgetting what I did the night before. But my brain loves to give me flashbacks the next day and I'll be sitting there calmly trying not to be sick then thinking "Oh f*ck I didn't say that to her did I?". Great advice, but the problem is I don't trust anyone. I trust random people more than some of my closest family. I'm actually thinking of going out and getting messed up now! I might have a shot for ever comment on this thread (Joke)

HA! Well it sure as fresia ain't making ME laugh! ;-)
But you know, point is, be careful. Nothing wrong with letting off steam, even forgetting a lil bit by getting drunk. But make it a habit and it can really destroy you. When I was 16, I went off what can only be describe as a path to alcoholism. I literally do not remember 2 months of my life, although the concussions sure didn't help either lol. I tell you man, flashbacks might be funny now, but it's when they don't come that you start getting scared. Abusing anything really gets bad if prolonged.
Besides, what would Horus say? ;-)
You don't trust anyone? BARTENDER! As cliche as it sounds, one guy in particular really helped me out lol. Old as fresia, crummy old bar, at first I'd go there to hit on girls, then I'd go just to chat with the dude. Still say they're better than shrinks.
Just be careful with yourself, man. You might not think a lot of people care, but if something does happen to you, you'll find out quickly that's not the case.
 
Richard_39 said:
Osiris said:
Lol that bit about child support made me laugh, to be honest I'd love to be waking up forgetting what I did the night before. But my brain loves to give me flashbacks the next day and I'll be sitting there calmly trying not to be sick then thinking "Oh f*ck I didn't say that to her did I?". Great advice, but the problem is I don't trust anyone. I trust random people more than some of my closest family. I'm actually thinking of going out and getting messed up now! I might have a shot for ever comment on this thread (Joke)

HA! Well it sure as fresia ain't making ME laugh! ;-)
But you know, point is, be careful. Nothing wrong with letting off steam, even forgetting a lil bit by getting drunk. But make it a habit and it can really destroy you. When I was 16, I went off what can only be describe as a path to alcoholism. I literally do not remember 2 months of my life, although the concussions sure didn't help either lol. I tell you man, flashbacks might be funny now, but it's when they don't come that you start getting scared. Abusing anything really gets bad if prolonged.
Besides, what would Horus say? ;-)
You don't trust anyone? BARTENDER! As cliche as it sounds, one guy in particular really helped me out lol. Old as fresia, crummy old bar, at first I'd go there to hit on girls, then I'd go just to chat with the dude. Still say they're better than shrinks.
Just be careful with yourself, man. You might not think a lot of people care, but if something does happen to you, you'll find out quickly that's not the case.

Sometimes I think that's what I'm trying to do, end up in Hospital (Not die) and see who would actually care. I agree about abusing alcohol too much, when I turned 18 and could legally buy alcohol. I actually started getting scared if it got late and the shops had shut and I was out of drink. Oh and don't worry about Horus, he's in the other room right now having a massive argument with Set. Something about me being dead..? Oh and my regular drinking spot is hard because the bartender is a childhood friend of my mum. Not to mention I sort of have a thing for her daughter so I don't know why I drink there really! I'm constantly getting drunk and pretending I'm fine then trying to walk out without stumbling. I need a new drinking spot!
 
Osiris said:
Sometimes I think that's what I'm trying to do, end up in Hospital (Not die) and see who would actually care. I agree about abusing alcohol too much, when I turned 18 and could legally buy alcohol. I actually started getting scared if it got late and the shops had shut and I was out of drink. Oh and don't worry about Horus, he's in the other room right now having a massive argument with Set. Something about me being dead..? Oh and my regular drinking spot is hard because the bartender is a childhood friend of my mum. Not to mention I sort of have a thing for her daughter so I don't know why I drink there really! I'm constantly getting drunk and pretending I'm fine then trying to walk out without stumbling. I need a new drinking spot!

:D
See? Keep that sense of humor, don't abuse and you'll be fine. I know how hard it is to be in a slump been in it for about 15 years.
As long as we keep fighting, we'll pull through. It's a matter of withstanding the blows. You should probably change drinking places indeed, I tend to favor old, run down places barely standing, because of it's load of regular who are more family than strangers. Hate the preppy popular places, people in there are artificial. I'm probably looking for the same kind of place as Cheers, actually lol. A lot of the times, it's not about the drinking, it's about the company. Socialising in bars happens a lot more than people think and they been abandonned because of social media, but they were the first facebook, over millenia old social media places ;-)
Pretending to be okay oft works for me, but I did find one or two people I can use as confidants on occasion. It's important to find yourself at least one, who's unbiased and unjudgmental. Takes some shopping around, but they're out there. And usually loads of fun.

Take care bro!
 
Osiris said:
TheRealCallie said:
Osiris said:
M_also_lonely said:
Because that's what you (and we) have been taught. We were rewarded for being what our parents wanted to be, and going our own way would get us punished. This has taught us to become pretenders and that's what you are doing. Its all a magic of conditioning and programming.

Now you and me would get along, it's all in the social conditioning telling us what's acceptable and what isn't. I'm going to go listen to some "Mr Traumatik" now lol

No, it's about you choosing to live that way.  If you choose to follow what society thinks you should be, that's your right, but all it is, is an excuse.

Choice is an illusion, otherwise we would probably all give up our jobs and go raving till we die...well I know I would.

Well said bro. well said.
 
Osiris said:
TheRealCallie said:
Osiris said:
M_also_lonely said:
Because that's what you (and we) have been taught. We were rewarded for being what our parents wanted to be, and going our own way would get us punished. This has taught us to become pretenders and that's what you are doing. Its all a magic of conditioning and programming.

Now you and me would get along, it's all in the social conditioning telling us what's acceptable and what isn't. I'm going to go listen to some "Mr Traumatik" now lol

No, it's about you choosing to live that way.  If you choose to follow what society thinks you should be, that's your right, but all it is, is an excuse.

Choice is an illusion, otherwise we would probably all give up our jobs and go raving till we die...well I know I would.

No, choice is not an illusion.  You have the choice to do whatever you want in life.  That doesn't mean you're life will be better if you give up your job and go rave til you die, but you DO have that choice. 
Whatever choices you make in life determines how your life will be.  Conform to society, be yourself, give up all responsibility and rave til you die or whatever else you decide, the choice is still yours.
 
TheRealCallie said:
Osiris said:
TheRealCallie said:
Osiris said:
M_also_lonely said:
Because that's what you (and we) have been taught. We were rewarded for being what our parents wanted to be, and going our own way would get us punished. This has taught us to become pretenders and that's what you are doing. Its all a magic of conditioning and programming.

Now you and me would get along, it's all in the social conditioning telling us what's acceptable and what isn't. I'm going to go listen to some "Mr Traumatik" now lol

No, it's about you choosing to live that way.  If you choose to follow what society thinks you should be, that's your right, but all it is, is an excuse.

Choice is an illusion, otherwise we would probably all give up our jobs and go raving till we die...well I know I would.

No, choice is not an illusion.  You have the choice to do whatever you want in life.  That doesn't mean you're life will be better if you give up your job and go rave til you die, but you DO have that choice. 
Whatever choices you make in life determines how your life will be.  Conform to society, be yourself, give up all responsibility and rave til you die or whatever else you decide, the choice is still yours.
Not if I want a wife and kids in the future, I don't have a choice. And choice is an illusion because the things you think now, has been influenced since the second you were born. I don't think you realise how big a thing choice is! What stops you telling your "Boss/teacher" to f*ck off when they're speaking down to you? Social conditioning is  what stops you! The wrong belief that someone has a right to be above you. I used to get in a lot of trouble at school because I wouldn't let something slide If I knew the "teacher" was wrong. Try and tell me there isn't a cure to cancer when pharmaceutical companies keep buying the cures. Long story short, choice is an illusion your choices are a mixture of your parents and societies views. Not your own.
 
Osiris said:
Not if I want a wife and kids in the future, I don't have a choice. And choice is an illusion because the things you think now, has been influenced since the second you were born. I don't think you realise how big a thing choice is! What stops you telling your "Boss/teacher" to f*ck off when they're speaking down to you? Social conditioning is  what stops you! The wrong belief that someone has a right to be above you. I used to get in a lot of trouble at school because I wouldn't let something slide If I knew the "teacher" was wrong. Try and tell me there isn't a cure to cancer when pharmaceutical companies keep buying the cures. Long story short, choice is an illusion your choices are a mixture of your parents and societies views. Not your own.

I know exactly how big a thing choice is.  I CHOSE to stay with my abusive ex.  I CHOOSE to have two jobs so I don't have to rely on my ex's money to survive.  I CHOSE to better myself so I was a worthless piece of honeysuckle anymore.  I could have CHOSEN to let my ex come back the three times he wanted to.

I didn't have to choose any of those, I could have stayed living the way I was.  I could choose to get a babysitter and do whatever the hell I want, whenever I want.  I could go out and blow all my money and live on next to nothing like my ex does.  I could be a drug addicted alcoholic.  CHOICES are yours to make.  Yes, you have to live with the consequences of those choices, but they are still YOURS to make.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top