How do you handle death?

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user 139760

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This was a topic of conversation with a collegue of mine, one of the few I consider more a friend than a collegue. Ironically, this was not a week ago when her elderly mother was injured after a fall. I just learned this morning that her mother had passed away.

How do you deal with the loss of a loved one, do you tend to isolate yourself, do you enjoy and seek out the company of others in times of hardship? I wish somewhat I had used different words, because when we spoke, even though her mother was injured, she was starting to recuperate, I don't know what happenned in the meantime, but it was apparently very quick. I had tried to cheer her up and had spoken to her already of how to deal with the aftermath, how she could help her mother cope, etc. Maybe it was the wrong approach to use, in retropspec.

In context with the topic, I'm rather stoic when it comes to dealing with loss. I don't know if it's a personal thing or a family thing, but it takes a lot to get to me and I don't get overly emotional when face with loss of a loved one, since I had to deal with it rather young and see it as an inevitability that crying over won't fix much. One time I was called "inensitive" on the subject by a former girlfriend, but I think she was erring, in the sense that it's not like I do not care, I'm just not particularly good at expressing grief.

What say you on the matter?
 
I tend to be the strong one when people are around. I do what needs to be done so it eases the jobs of everyone else. I choose to grieve in private, I do NOT cry in public. The last funeral I cried at was back in 1998.

I have heard comments saying I don't really care, but crying doesn't indicate how close you were.
 
I am a cold fish.  So far I haven't had much of a reaction to anyone close to me dying. My parents passed and my mom was particularly hard as she suffered. But I just couldn't quite see the point in crying. It wasn't going to change a thing.  Even now i don't visit her grave. Though I feel guilty about it.. it is painful for me and, again, it won't change a thing.  I think I would be more likely to cry with a death that was a shock like a car accident that might happen right in front of me.
 
I'm a very emotional person - I cry at TV commercials even, I am such a suck. As to how I deal with death, I guess it depends on how emotionally close I am to the person/pet I have lost. When my cat Jazzer was dying from feline leukemia, I was stoic and practical even though inside, my heart was absolutely breaking. I dealt with the things I needed to deal with at the time - it was only after that I allowed myself to grieve for him. It took over a year for me to even look at a picture of him without bursting into tears.

With my Dad, it was sort of similar - stoic and practical when I could manage it, at other times - on the verge of losing it. For the last week, I had my 2 brothers with me and I kid you not - I have never laughed so much in my whole life. Looking back now, it was surreal - one moment, sobbing my heart out at my dad's bedside, the next, standing outside his doorway, laughing hysterically at some shared joke with my brother, almost pissing myself with laughter. It was crazy - grief does some weird honeysuckle. We were about 5 minutes late getting to his bedside when he died, and I remember walking into his room, and taking one glance at the nurses and knowing he was gone and it was like a whirlwind of emotion suddenly steamrolled me - I remember my whole body just screaming and vibrating with emotion, and I'm screeching and wailing at the top of my lungs and my brother is trying to calm me down and I can't control anything, just screaming and shaking, moaning for my dad. Looking back now, it was like a massive release of all the pent-up emotion I'd kept inside for days. Like I said, grief is powerful stuff. That whole night was messed up - later on, I remember being at home, sitting at the table eating pizza and laughing our asses off. So bizarre....

I did some reading up on grief later on and realized all those emotions are completely normal - everybody experiences grief differently. I found that immensely reassuring. I also found it reassuring to read obituaries, to know that I wasn't the only person in the world feeling the way I felt, feeling such sadness and despair.

So, anyway, that's my take on death and grieving.
 
I'm stoic in public and I'm the one who manages meals, transportation, and all other logistics. With my father, as he lay dying from pancreatic cancer, we both said our goodbyes in private: Him telling me that I wasn't good enough to shine my brother's shoes, and me telling him that he'd be gone in a few days and I wouldn't miss him, not for a day, not for a minute. Nice eh?

I've already said goodbye to my mother. This as I continue to be her 24/7 caregiver.

As the years go by, (16 years since dad left us and good riddance!) the absence of the person expresses itself in graduated layers of remembering the experiences of having known them in life. I don't know what it's like to say goodbye to someone I'm fond of. For dad, I'm appalled at how I accepted as "normal" was his 40+ years of despising me. And me him.

Handling the death of a loved one? Outside my frame of reference, but I imagine the 'sinking in' of the loss might also take a few years. It seems like it isn't the death that one actually adjusts to but rather the resolving of the manner in which one lived a life in association with the lost one.
 
constant stranger said:
For dad, I'm appalled at how I accepted as "normal" was his 40+ years of despising me.  And me him.

Jeebus. That's one of the harder stories I've read. My heart's with you brother, I couldn't imagine a relationship being like that. Rather selfish of your old man...
My relationship with my dad used to be somewhat bad, but it was actually my fault. Kind of happens when you throw away your religion and join what is "officially" considered a cult...but when that phased passed, we sat down and over the years, the relationship has built back up. Today, without my folks moral support (and sometimes physical and monetary, although I hate it when it happens), I wouldn't be here today.
So my heart goes out to you, brother. Takes strong people to do what you're doing, taking care of your mom and living through that, which makes you awesome. I hope life gives you back for it and gives you everything you want in the future. You deserve it.

And as an addendum to what people are saying, I don't usually cry at death, but I'll ball up when I watch "Finding Nemo" or when the President makes his speech in Independance Day. Screwed up eh? ;-)
 
I get angered how all of a sudden people who dropped you long ago or were "too busy" for you suddenly show up and are "there for you". Hell with them.
 
I don't often comment on the threads, but having had a bumpy Father's Day full of memories, this one I found very gentle and thoughtful.  

I think grief is a very personal journey with no measure or time limit.  I agree with Constant Stranger, that it is not always the death/loss, but the nature of the relationship as well that impacts that journey, and how tough or long it is.   I've experienced many losses on many levels.  When my Mom died I was in my mid 20s - and although I sobbed inconsolably, I did not want anyone to touch me or come close.  She had been ill for a while, but we thought she had a little longer.  She had been difficult in my life, and there was anger mixed with guilt and regret that complicated my grief.

When my Dad died a few years back, I was surrounded and had great comfort in the humour and warmth of his siblings and a large family. Sometimes a year or two will go by and I won't normally see my aunties and uncles.   I am the one that gets leaned on, organizes, listens, supports and takes care of things - so I did not get to grieve until everything was done.  A couple weeks later my dog suddenly died - my best friend and guardian that my Dad found for me at a rescue.  THEN I grieved..WOW did I grieve.....I was a mess for months.   Sometimes it's those times are very unpredictable that everything catches up to you.  

I think, to refer back to Richard_39's original inquiry as to how we handle grief - for me one of the toughest parts was after everything was said and done.....and people disappear.  

having said that - I'm a pretty private person and don't let many in...but it still stung.

I had one Auntie that would call on Dads birthday and ask how I was doing.  That gesture was very kind and appreciated.

I think that the journey of grief and how to support someone is something well worth reading about.  As Ringwood touched on....it can be very reassuring to see how broad the definition of "normal" is.  I have in the past also contacted a local hospice society (which are usually run by volunteers) and asked for advice on how to support someone who is experiencing a loss.  They've given me some great advice unique to a particular situation.

Be kind to yourself Richard_39.  I'm sure your comments to your colleague/friend were seen as they were intended-  Kind and caring - coming from a good place.
 
I don't handle it well if its someone I know and the closer I am to them the harder it is. When my dad died it didn't phase me at all because I barely knew him, but when my grand parents passed away it was hard, even though they both lived long lives. The hardest yet had to be a childhood friend of mine who died much too young. So yeah it all depends on who and the relationship with that person.
 
I don't deal well with deaths, especially those I'm close with.

When my dad passed away (I was the closest to him in our family), it turned my life upside down. I felt lost, sad and alone. These words were probably an understatement at the time. Whenever I feel really emotional, I tend to push people away. So that was a period of time where I lost a lot of friends cos I pushed them all away. It definitely took awhile to move past that grieving stage, but I would often dream of him back then.

I tried to keep myself as occupied as I could too, being free and all alone with my thoughts at the time wasn't really helping. Shortly after that I came back on this forum to try break out of that funk. I also started working out more and that truly helped boost my life a bit. I think one thing I should've done, was to talk about it. I didn't do that, I kept it all in and thought it was only a huge bother to others if I wanted to talk to them about my loss. I also felt like nobody would understand me, cos losing someone close to death is a feeling that you'd only know if you've ever gone through it I feel. Cos of that, I find it hard to open up too, afraid that nobody would get where I'm coming from.

When my beloved rabbit passed on last year, and when I learned about it at work, I broke down so bad it was a little embarrassing. I dunno, my rabbit's been with us for 7+ years. Of course he's like family to me. It's tough losing a loved on cos it feels like part of you is being chipped away and you start missing them. At least that's me, can't really speak for anyone else.
 
Too many feels in this thread.

Im lucky enough to not have experienced the death of someone close. But sometimes imagine it and even imagining it can break me down for a bit. I probably wont handle it well if something happened to my parents or my brother. Even now i feel it just typing it out. Im sorry you guys had to experience those things.
 
I try to think that they're better. Not feeling any pain if they were sick. Or not having to deal with something that might have been hurting them otherwise. And thinking that they've joined other loved ones that have gone. I don't think that some folks truly get over losing a loved one. We just learn to live without them.
 
The last death in my family was over 23 years ago, my great grandmother and she was 101 years old, I think. Just over a year ago our dog died. Neighbor kid let it out of the house and it got hit by a car. I wasn't very close to the dog and I was strong for my wife and kids, but when I was digging the grave in the backyard, I was crying.

This past January my father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. In March I went up to visit him and help with his chemo. On the way there, I felt like it was a rehearsal for when he dies. About 30 minutes from home, I had to pull over, compose myself, get something to eat and drink, before arriving at home.

We are not close, haven't been for many many years. Now that his chemo is over and we are in a "wait and see mode" I hardly talk to him again. I get updates from my mom every few weeks. I want to say I won't feel anything, but I doubt that will be true. I imagine I will be fine when he actually passes, when I am in public, but at some point I will break down and cry. There will be some... remnant of a relationship that I will miss.

For most of my life I have tried to feel nothing. I would eat the feelings and bottle it up. In April of last year I finally went to counseling so that I could "feel" again. It's been a difficult path and there are plenty of times I wish I just denied all these feelings instead of embracing and dealing with them.

I've had so little experience with death I don't know how I'll react when it actually happens.
 

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