Ghosting and its frustrations

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mattsmom

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So as I said in my original post on this board....
Yes I'm a psychic reader (don't laugh)....I was recently 'ghosted' by a colleague on the main site I worked on.  Just called a psychic on a competing website to get some insights which she confirmed, apparently she was upset by a reading I did for her and the advice given.  So combined with jealousy out of nowhere she completely blocked me on social media, etc with no explanation.

I had a friend who I had to step away from complain about this phenomenon of 'ghosting' ad nauseum where people just split and never write you back or have plans /intent to stay in touch.

Twenty years ago before online dating really took off fast and furious there was a phone dating called 'The People Store' where I met my future husband (now divorced) but also had met some other people.  Most I was able to keep in touch with even after our dating went bad.

What are some of the theories you have behind this phenomenon of the millenialist era?  Mine boil down to these:

1) Our society is becoming increasingly 'disposable' just like our fast food culture.  More populous, people are a dime a dozen, if you don't like it you have wasted even more of your precious time it's time to toss that one out and run to the next one.
2) Less face-to-face interaction and more interaction (not just with loved ones, but people in general) 'virtually' through social media, texting and other cellphone communication.
3) The inherent biological effects of the above two phenomena:  mainly lowered testosterone and (relative) estrogen levels, lowered progesterone in both genders although this is particularly important for women and their resultant response threshold to estrogen released during ovulation; increased cortisol production in both genders (which acts as an antagonist towards both testosterone AND estrogen).  [This effect is most pronounced in heterosexual romantic attractions]
 
Sorry, I laughed ;-)
Then again, my ex did a tarot reading one time and said the cards said we'd be together forever, so I'm kind of not into that whole thing.

As for theories...I dunno. Different strokes for different folks.
Wait till the future becomes remarkably similar to what's shown in Wall-E, then you'll have a bunch of modifications to human physiology you didn't expect ;-)
 
mattsmom said:
What are some of the theories you have behind this phenomenon of the millenialist era?  Mine boil down to these:

Well, I recently Ghosted someone. I mean this person would have been a good friend but the more I found out about this person the more I realized this person was kind of hiding from the world and by providing him a good internet friend to talk to and not get out there and live his life... I wasn't helping him (or me really -- why did I want an internet friend who was nice but I had little in common with). My theory is that it is so easy to meet people you meet people wildly wrong for you and then it is just easier to drop someone on line.
 
EmilyFoxSeaton said:
mattsmom said:
What are some of the theories you have behind this phenomenon of the millenialist era?  Mine boil down to these:

Well, I recently Ghosted someone. I mean this person would have been a good friend but the more I found out about this person the more I realized this person was kind of hiding from the world and by providing him a good internet friend to talk to and not get out there and live his life... I wasn't helping him (or me really -- why did I want an internet friend who was nice but I had little in common with). My theory is that it is so easy to meet people you meet people wildly wrong for you and then it is just easier to drop someone on line.

It happens....not trying to judge anyone who has done it, I myself have done it a time or two.  Just analyzing the repercussions.  I think in some situations, instinct tells you what is the right move.  but sometimes it helps to consider the fact that a lot of times the other person is left holding onto the bucket wondering 'what happened'?

I have a friend (male) that himself went through a lot of this and saw how frustrated he got and how much he would have just appreciated an honest 'hey we're not connecting I wish you the best' and then move on.  but that being said, I think because he was less mature at that time, that may not have always been an acceptable answer to him (he used to be the snooping, online stalking almost type.....)
 
that may not have always been an acceptable answer to him (he used to be the snooping, online stalking almost type.....)

That is one reason as well. I have had crazy people on the internet. Who, at the slightest provocation, would start trying to harass you.  So better to just drop someone and then they don't know if like a large hutch fell on you and your are dead or, if they were ghosted.
 
I don't really think that it's any different than it used to be. The only difference now is that people can "hide" more easily because of the online factor, whereas before, there wasn't much of an online community, so you saw the people more often.

People decide they don't want someone in their lives anymore and there's nothing wrong with that. You aren't owed an explanation. I'm not really sure why you would let it bother you when someone like that would just drop you out of nowhere. They clearly aren't worth your time.
 
I do think it's some of the things you've mentioned, like how the Internet makes it easy to drop someone without having to confront them face-to-face.

But I also feel like the world is becoming increasingly more competitive and elitist, especially in terms of money and social power. The person "ghosting" gets a hit of power from it, getting to feel like they are in such a superior class to the person they are ghosting that they won't lower themselves to giving them a response. It's just plain and simple snobbery.

That said I've stopped talking to a few people for other reasons, so it wasn't really ghosting. I might have wanted to continue talking, but I felt like I wasn't ready and anything I said would just have made me look bad, or the time was inappropriate. So rather than say something wrong and cause a bad impression, I've said nothing instead.
 
We do live in a disposable society. I was just thinking about this earlier and trying to put it in long-winded terms.

But simply, yeah, we're in a fast-paced, entitled, superficial culture where we can swipe through potential mates from a literal digital catalogue, deciding upon who fits our needs for this or for that. Everyone has these ridiculously high expectations for partners - they want everyone to be hot, everyone to be witty and quirky, everyone to fit their ideological parameters.

Romance is pretty much dead among the younger millenial bracket, it seems. All I ever see nowadays are selfies and memes about eating ass.

Sometimes I wonder if there is anyone of substance anywhere and it does feel incredibly isolating. It's no wonder so many people are lonely and depressed. If you have a kind of awareness whatsoever, you're basically an outsider.
 
fract-r said:
We do live in a disposable society. I was just thinking about this earlier and trying to put it in long-winded terms.

But simply, yeah, we're in a fast-paced, entitled, superficial culture where we can swipe through potential mates from a literal digital catalogue, deciding upon who fits our needs for this or for that. Everyone has these ridiculously high expectations for partners - they want everyone to be hot, everyone to be witty and quirky, everyone to fit their ideological parameters.

Romance is pretty much dead among the younger millenial bracket, it seems. All I ever see nowadays are selfies and memes about eating ass.

Sometimes I wonder if there is anyone of substance anywhere and it does feel incredibly isolating. It's no wonder so many people are lonely and depressed. If you have a kind of awareness whatsoever, you're basically an outsider.

Yeah, I don't know....on the one hand, sometimes I think our society is more disposable, but sometimes I think that culture was just always this way, and we've just become more efficient at it.  I don't know if people are more lonely now than before, it's something I wonder.  I feel like there's a lot of snobs now, but there were back then too.  

I feel like my lack of being witty has been a major obstacle in dating, but at the same time i'm not sure what to do.  I can be funny sometimes but only if I see an opportunity.  I don't feel like I'm necessarily making those opportunities, and I'm not all that interested in the role of the funny man.  But, wittiness and banter seems to be a big thing that women want.  

I sometimes feel that romance is fading now too, like it's something that people don't value as much.  Ghosting is a prime expression of this.  Only being "cool" is what seems to count, having status, for guys at least.  I see similar memes and stuff, so much sarcasm, cynicism, arrogance, smugness, and mockery of those perceived to be "less than's".  I really can't stand it.  I wish being romantic and being nice would be "in" again.  

It's hard to find someone of substance too, and the feeling of being an outsider for having awareness or for thinking that there can be some other way than to do what the crowd is doing.  I don't even consider myself some kind of great intellectual or anything. But I do feel like I am different from most people and looking for a different experience than most.  But the problem is, every time I have found someone of substance, I haven't been good enough myself.  Part of it is understandable but it gets frustrating and I just wish I naturally knew what to do to be good enough instead of having to struggle with it.
 
TheRealCallie said:
I don't really think that it's any different than it used to be. The only difference now is that people can "hide" more easily because of the online factor, whereas before, there wasn't much of an online community, so you saw the people more often.

People decide they don't want someone in their lives anymore and there's nothing wrong with that. You aren't owed an explanation. I'm not really sure why you would let it bother you when someone like that would just drop you out of nowhere. They clearly aren't worth your time.

Well, I'm an empath, so I am hugely sensitive. So I can't just forget someone. I would say I 'm better than most as I've had to learn to detach from lots of people over the years (my entire family, even my kids because I hardly see them). It just struck a chord with this one person because I had known her for 3+ years is all. That's different than the typical ghosting where you typically have just met the person.

I agree with the comments that sometimes it's better not to say anything at all in certain circumstances. However, I also feel society has lost the art of healthy assertiveness - the middle ground between the passive response of ghosting, and the aggressive extreme of 'flipping the bird' (which we're seeing more of this, too). Every situation is different but sometimes it just takes having a bit of balls (whether you're male or female) and giving some closure to it all.
 
TheSkaFis said:
I sometimes feel that romance is fading now too, like it's something that people don't value as much.  Ghosting is a prime expression of this.  Only being "cool" is what seems to count, having status, for guys at least.  I see similar memes and stuff, so much sarcasm, cynicism, arrogance, smugness, and mockery of those perceived to be "less than's".  I really can't stand it.  I wish being romantic and being nice would be "in" again.  

It's been tainted by the Nice Guy trope among other things.

Take the starting point a lot of people assume to be true now - that relationships are essentially transactional. Based on that, romance, decency, etc. are just underhand strategies employed by those who lack the confidence to be direct about what they want.
 
ardour said:
TheSkaFis said:
I sometimes feel that romance is fading now too, like it's something that people don't value as much.  Ghosting is a prime expression of this.  Only being "cool" is what seems to count, having status, for guys at least.  I see similar memes and stuff, so much sarcasm, cynicism, arrogance, smugness, and mockery of those perceived to be "less than's".  I really can't stand it.  I wish being romantic and being nice would be "in" again.  

It's been tainted by the Nice Guy trope among other things.

Take the starting point a lot of people assume to be true now -  that relationships are essentially transactional. Based on that, romance,  decency, etc. are just underhand strategies employed by those who lack the confidence to be direct about what they want.

Yeah....the Nice Guy trope is something that I will never understand, for the life of me.  It says that if a guy is nice, it just means he is too weak to be a jackass like all men are supposed to be, because it's all about being dominant. It's in a lot of the media too.  It couldn't possibly be that you believe in a nicer, friendlier, less stressful and more civilized world.  

I just don't see why it has to be that way.  Going slow and being nice don't have to be signs of weakness, they could just be signs of being careful, wanting to get things right, wanting to be pleasant and civilized.  It could just be someone's style.  I like to take things slow and show that I'm actually interested in getting to know the person and that it's not just all about sex.  I always heard that women complain that guys just want one thing, so growing up, I thought I'd be different.  And I always heard of guys complaining about girls being boring, so I thought I'd avoid that by finding someone that I like for more than just sex.  I feel like going right for sex is cynical and trashy, not something I'd feel good about, and not how I want things to be. Like I said in that other thread, I think it could be a less cold world than it is sometimes. There is some unpleasantness that we might not be able to avoid, but I do think that we could at least try to minimize it a little better.
 
 I always heard that women complain that guys just want one thing, so growing up, I thought I'd be different.  And I always heard of guys complaining about girls being boring, so I thought I'd avoid that by finding someone that I like for more than just sex.  I feel like going right for sex is cynical and trashy, not something I'd feel good about, and not how I want things to be.

This is the whole problem. Its what people complain about nice guys for. You didnt think you could just be yourself and have success. Low self esteem. So you based your whole personality on what you thought women would want. Its bland and boring and not genuine. And you just admitted it.

I think you are mostly just upset that even after all of this youve learned that its not what people actually want. Those people you keep shitting on arent jackasses they are real people.
 
kamya said:
 I always heard that women complain that guys just want one thing, so growing up, I thought I'd be different.  And I always heard of guys complaining about girls being boring, so I thought I'd avoid that by finding someone that I like for more than just sex.  I feel like going right for sex is cynical and trashy, not something I'd feel good about, and not how I want things to be.

This is the whole problem. Its what people complain about nice guys for. You didnt thonk you could just be yourself and have success. Low self esteem. So you based your whole personality on what you thought women would want. Its bland and boring and not genuine. And you just admitted it.

I think you are mostly just upset that even after all of this youve learned that its not what people actually want. Those people you keep shitting on arent jackasses they are real people.

I didn't think I could just be myself and have success, and I based my personality on a combination of the cards I was dealt, the way things seemed to be socially, and the interests I knew I had at the time, none of which had anything to do with anything other than me liking them.  I still don't choose interests for any other reason than that.  I don't think it's so much bland and boring as it is me not knowing how to play my cards as best I can, or the entire game.  But I don't want just sex though, and I do honestly believe in a nicer world.  It's how I was raised.  It is absolutely genuine.  

Maybe that wasn't clear, but I didn't base my personality on what I thought women wanted. I based that part of it on what I wanted and agreed with myself. I wanted to be different than the guys who acted like they were only after sex because I didn't like their personalities and values at all and I didn't want to do things that way, not because I was trying to be sneaky.

I'm not completely stuffy, but I really don't think that those people being "cool" or "real" or whatever are very great at all.  To me, they're just copying whatever it is they are told is "cool" or high status, even if it isn't a good idea or brings a lot of problems down on them.  It's always looked to me like they do it because they're not smart enough to realize it's not sustainable/worth it, to think of something better, or for attention, which I don't think is very smart either.  I feel like there has to be a better way but that should probably go in another thread.




Bringing it back - I think people ghost others because the ghosting person thinks they are above / "too cool" for the other person, and the Internet makes ghosting easier. Plus I feel like this kind of smugness is increasing these days as decency declines, and I feel like that's because the world feels more competitive and socially stratified than before.  Maybe you don't HAVE to explain it to anyone but at the same time, I feel it's kinda rude and cowardly.
 
TheSkaFish said:
Bringing it back - I think people ghost others because the ghosting person thinks they are above / "too cool" for the other person, and the Internet makes ghosting easier.  Plus I feel like this kind of smugness is increasing these days as decency declines, and I feel like that's because the world feels more competitive and socially stratified than before.  Maybe you don't HAVE to explain it to anyone but at the same time, I feel it's kinda rude and cowardly.

Or maybe they just don't know how to say it.  Plain and simple, you don't know what other people are thinking or why they do what they do.  That's true for everyone and everything.  THAT is a huge problem with people today, they think they know exactly what happened and why without even bothering to think it might be something else.  People need to stop thinking for other people, we'd be a lot better off as a species if we did so.
 
kamya said:
 I always heard that women complain that guys just want one thing, so growing up, I thought I'd be different.  And I always heard of guys complaining about girls being boring, so I thought I'd avoid that by finding someone that I like for more than just sex.  I feel like going right for sex is cynical and trashy, not something I'd feel good about, and not how I want things to be.

 Its what people complain about nice guys for. 

Not really it. It's supposedly meant to apply to men who  think being nice is something given in exchange for sex/relationships, or those who fake friendship in order to hover around a romantic interest (in reality used to attack socially awkward guys who aren't direct).
 

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