Married but feel so alone

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Pepperwood

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Jun 22, 2017
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I have been married for 9 years. We have two children. I feel so alone. Anyone else feel this way? Any advice? I know I haven't given much to tell you about my personal situation. Just wanting to see if others can relate to this.
 
I can relate to it. I'm not with him anymore, but I felt that way for years. I also have two kids with him.

Why do you feel alone? Does he work a lot, you don't spend much time together, he doesn't seem interested anymore?
 
We just don't really get along anymore. So we spend most of our time doing our own thing. I think we would both like to get divorced, but we just can't afford that right now. We have tried to make things work, but we just can't seem to not argue about everything. So instead now we just avoid each other.


We just don't really get along anymore. So we spend most of our time doing our own thing. I think we would both like to get divorced, but we just can't afford that right now. We have tried to make things work, but we just can't seem to not argue about everything. So instead now we just avoid each other.
 
Pepperwood said:
We just don't really get along anymore. So we spend most of our time doing our own thing. I think we would both like to get divorced, but we just can't afford that right now. We have tried to make things work, but we just can't seem to not argue about everything. So instead now we just avoid each other.


We just don't really get along anymore. So we spend most of our time doing our own thing. I think we would both like to get divorced, but we just can't afford that right now. We have tried to make things work, but we just can't seem to not argue about everything. So instead now we just avoid each other.

I was in a marriage like this for 12 years.  It was sad.  I made the decision to leave.  It cost me tons of money, and many other things, including seeing my kids everyday.  But you know the most important thing I've gained is freedom.  Freedom to pursue my own happiness, my own career path doing what I'd like to do, and love doing it.  And there's nothing that compares to that. Your kids will see this too if you feel stuck all around.

But I needed to find out before I made this decision if I was making the right one.  My now ex and I attended a seminar called Worldwide Marriage Encounter.  Reason being this was funded by donations and no couple was obligated to pay for the weekend.  We learned lots, but ultimately through going through this weekend I decided we just couldn't make it work anymore.  (I say 'I' because my now ex belongs to a religious organization that is well-known for its perspectives on divorce and 'that there should be none'). So essentially it had to be my decision, otherwise it was his way or the highway. And as well-meaning as religious organizations try to be, the bottom line is human beings do make mistakes when surmising whether a forever commitment is in the cards, among other things.....

Hope sharing my experience helped.

 
i think my ex {not wife but very long term partner) felt this way ,then she met someone else .............................
but we are still friends even though it hurts so so much i even think i would rather her be happy with someone else than not happy with me.
if i could go back in time i wouldnt stop her meeting this guy i would change things that would make her not run off with him {well i think i would ,who knows}
 
Pepperwood said:
We just don't really get along anymore. So we spend most of our time doing our own thing. I think we would both like to get divorced, but we just can't afford that right now. We have tried to make things work, but we just can't seem to not argue about everything. So instead now we just avoid each other.


We just don't really get along anymore. So we spend most of our time doing our own thing. I think we would both like to get divorced, but we just can't afford that right now. We have tried to make things work, but we just can't seem to not argue about everything. So instead now we just avoid each other.



So basically, as of now, you are just roommates?  That's horrible and exactly the way I felt before m ex and I split.  Is separation on the table?  Somewhere one of you could stay until you found a place of your own?
 
Well, I don't know if it'll help or not, but my parents have been married for about 39 years now (One year less than me, 38).
It's been honestly like that for as much as I remember. Hence, my views on marriage, hence, why I don't think I'd ever marry lol.
Oh, there's love in it, don't get me wrong, but at some point I think it becomes a prolonged friendship more than anything else. My folks got along great as long as they worked, because they had their routine and had us to take care of, so we'd do family activities and the like and they were busy. As soon as we moved out however and they retired up north...they'll get into a fight about something REALLY stupid (like peanuts, or my mom asking my dad something twice and he snaps her, or my dad asking her for the second time if she wants fries and HE snaps her), etc. They'll spend 3-5 days ignoring each other, then go back to cordially talking to each other. Have sex about once every 2 months (they are older, but still, used to be once a week, if that, when we were younger).
So...for me that's what a marriage is. Which is exactly the reason I don't want to get married lol. Don't want it to be another reason to have an argument about. Want my lover to still feel passionnate and vice versa.
Only thing I can think of that can help you is to seek out a marriage councilor. Maybe they can get you better help. One thing I do find that helps, besides each other doing his own thing on the side, is having at LEAST one, major recurrent activity together. I don't mean with the kids, but just you two. Something you can do once a week that reminds you both why you got married in the first place.
Also, I don't know how close you are to your husband, but if he's talkable, you can tell him about that feeling of loneliness. I personally think there's nothing in the world can't be fixed by talking about it and since marriage is a two passenger journey, you should be with him trying to fix it.
Hope it helps!
 
Thanks everyone for the input. I really appreciate it. We have done counseling before and it didn't go so well. Maybe we can give it a try again And see what happens.
 
I just left a long term relationship where I felt lonely for a long time. Finally left, and feel a lot less lonely being on my own. I'm still amazed by that....
 
It's hard to tell because you barely described your situation, how it all begun, how it ended, were there any red flags you overlooked, what did you try, why did you enter into a relationship with him in first place, is he a narc or just isn't really your type..?

For things to work both sides gotta want to fix it together and have ambition to do so. Seems like you both just gave up if you did then yea, 99.9% of chance it won't get better. A flower won't grow without water and sun. Unless miracle! 
Seems like your love has extinguished, and that you are married doesn't mean you gotta live together or stay together cuz of children. Oh believe me, parental divorce totally isn't the worst thing that can happen to a child, oh believe me I know, I wish my only problem in life was the divorce of my parents. As long as you treat your kids with care they will be fine overall. I'd suggest you try counceling for the last time, if it's useless then better go each your own path I guess. Find someone you don't feel alone with maybe, someone a loner like you maybe who will appreciate a relationship more because of not having much options.

Love is not that wonderthing from story books we are being told to as kids, only the very few luckiest can life lasting love. Those are usually people with normal lives, not outcasts. It's time to accept love for what it really is for.. to get humans closer to procreate and survive better together (evolutionary explanation).
 
Disposable said:
Love is not that wonderthing from story books we are being told to as kids, only the very few luckiest can life lasting love. Those are usually people with normal lives, not outcasts. It's time to accept love for what it really is for.. to get humans closer to procreate and survive better together (evolutionary explanation).

Love isn't always enough.  My ex and I are no longer together, but I will always love him and he will likely always love me.  We just didn't work together, we are much better off not together.
 
Disposable said:
It's hard to tell because you barely described your situation, how it all begun, how it ended, were there any red flags you overlooked, what did you try, why did you enter into a relationship with him in first place, is he a narc or just isn't really your type..?

For things to work both sides gotta want to fix it together and have ambition to do so. Seems like you both just gave up if you did then yea, 99.9% of chance it won't get better. A flower won't grow without water and sun. Unless miracle! 
Seems like your love has extinguished, and that you are married doesn't mean you gotta live together or stay together cuz of children. Oh believe me, parental divorce totally isn't the worst thing that can happen to a child, oh believe me I know, I wish my only problem in life was the divorce of my parents. As long as you treat your kids with care they will be fine overall. I'd suggest you try counceling for the last time, if it's useless then better go each your own path I guess. Find someone you don't feel alone with maybe, someone a loner like you maybe who will appreciate a relationship more because of not having much options.

Love is not that wonderthing from story books we are being told to as kids, only the very few luckiest can life lasting love. Those are usually people with normal lives, not outcasts. It's time to accept love for what it really is for.. to get humans closer to procreate and survive better together (evolutionary explanation).

I totally agree with the above! You know everyone is looking for love outside themselves. Someone else has to love me....really though, love already exists within yourself, and along with that comes respecting yourself. Maybe you are looking for approval from parents and/or friends as well? You gotta do what makes yourself happiest! Otherwise, if you are drained by a loveless marriage you will have nothing left to give your children, or other people you care about in life!

Food for thought - but I totally get it, there will be a time and a place and nobody can tell you that right 'time'. I know it happened for me three and a half years before I had the courage to end it, that someone had told me you gotta do this now, and it simply wasn't the right time yet.
 
I know I have not given you much about the situation. I would love to leave him, but I can not afford to. I have no friends or family to stay with. I can not afford my own place. I almost left once. I had filed for divorce. Then I realized I was going to be homeless and so I decided to stay. I am just trying to wait it out until the kids are a little older and we do not have to pay for daycare anymore. It will be about 5 years. During that time I plan on trying to find a better job so that I can support myself. Right now I am in a place financially where I make too much money to get any kind of government assistance, but not enough to support myself and 2 kids. I am just extremely unhappy and trying to get through the next few years.
 
It was funny because I had discussed my own situation on a parenting site. I got a lot of judgmental responses like 'don't you see? You gotta end this now!' That didn't really help me nor did I feel supported. I appreciate them being truthful but in all honesty it didn't respect that I just wasn't 'there' yet in strength. When it finally DID all fall into place, there was a friend at the time who was willing to help make it happen (provide me short-term housing while I set up more permanent arrangements) and the other friend I described in the PM, who simply laid it all out for me in all brutal honesty. I was trying to bring 'happiness' in but it was just that - happiness in quotes. I finally had that moment in late 2012 / early 2013 and I jumped on it because in my gut it just told me 'it's time'. You will have that too. Keep praying in whatever power you believe to be Divine, for those right people to be there to support you, your circumstances will lead you to a place where you will be able to finally leave. It may be in 5 years, it may be later or who knows it may even be sooner. Have faith! Neither of the friends who were there at that time are in my life in any significance now (the one died, but we had parted ways before she had died; the other has moved out of state). It all happens for a reason, and you always have the Power you ultimately believe in, who loves you through this all!
 

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