Was this always your destination?

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EmilyFoxSeaton

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I feel like I have always known I was going to be alone. Little hints.. like not having a ton of friends in school, not being asked to dances... but I was well liked enough to be sufficiently confused. I thought at one point I was going to have the nuclear family and was heading in that direction. But when nothing materialized and I wasn't that unhappy about it.. I thought how many times I secretly knew in my bones I would be exactly where I am. 

You?
 
Yes. I think most of us didn't worry that much at first and had a healthy amount of hope. But this was an inner fear that at least I knew had great chances of becoming true.
 
EmilyFoxSeaton said:
I feel like I have always known I was going to be alone. Little hints.. like not having a ton of friends in school, not being asked to dances... but I was well liked enough to be sufficiently confused. I thought at one point I was going to have the nuclear family and was heading in that direction. But when nothing materialized and I wasn't that unhappy about it.. I thought how many times I secretly knew in my bones I would be exactly where I am. 

You?

Yeah, I knew it. For a long time though I didn't have understanding as to WHY. I found out later it was really because I was different. Not terminally unique, just different. Meaning there were others like me (this forum is one example) and elsewhere. And those of us who are different and struggle with finding understanding in the world, best use our time to reach out and help others. Because we realize how painful being alone can be, we don't take other people for granted, the way more 'integrated' people do. We are the most genuine people on the planet in many cases.

I do also believe even those of us meant to be loners do meet those who appreciate us and who may feel similarly alone, or more alone than we may think.
 
I don't like to believe in things like predestination, but I feel there was only so much I could do. I think the only thing I could have changed was to try harder to make friends in high school and college, even at the risk of alienating people, so that I would have had a better chance of having friends to count on now when everyone has become closed off.
 
I don't believe in some kind of predestination either, I have found that for me, friends come and go. Some you have known even for years sometimes move on, and sometimes that also leads to you not having any if it just so happens that everyone else got married, kids etc and you are still at the same stage. If you suffer from anxiety then that can also mean making friends can be very hard, causing your friendship group to slowly decline until you are alone. That's kind of what happened to me. I always knew that I was kind of different, I was liked by lots and lots of people... but never loved. Always the guy people were happy to have along, but not the one who is ever actually wanted.

That said, I personally kind of eventually embraced the loneliness, even after times of feeling very depressed about it in the past... Now I am totally fine about it. Have lots of interests and projects on the go, things I personally really enjoy doing for myself in life to progress and improve my own quality of life. Having loads of friends is kind of overrated. When it comes to a relationship, that would be really lovely, though I feel like it is an impossibility because woman just simply don't seem to like me in that way at all.
 
ShybutHi said:
I don't believe in some kind of predestination either, I have found that for me, friends come and go. Some you have known even for years sometimes move on, and sometimes that also leads to you not having any if it just so happens that everyone else got married, kids etc and you are still at the same stage. If you suffer from anxiety then that can also mean making friends can be very hard, causing your friendship group to slowly decline until you are alone. That's kind of what happened to me. I always knew that I was kind of different, I was liked by lots and lots of people... but never loved. Always the guy people were happy to have along, but not the one who is ever actually wanted.

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I agree with this.  When you reflect on it the very fact that you are more alone than others has its enviable points too.  You have more time to relax.  Be less pressured to be up til 2am, or imbibe in vices like drinking or smoking because you are not as 'popular' and more 'rejected'.  Some of these so-called joys of life may pass you up and you may actually be better off for that.  More time for healing or sensing a need to heal, on both a physical and spiritual level.  

I evaluated the lives of more extroverted (not necessarily happy) people and these are the conclusions I had found.  Not saying this is going to be everybody's finding but that was my take.
 
All through my 20s i had this feeling. Like in my heart and soul i can just feel it that im always going to be lonely and longing. Lost soul. Lone wolf. All the tropes.

Lately though im pretty confident that in my 30s things will be turning around in a big way.
 
TheRealCallie said:
Why does "this" have to be a destination?  Why not just a stop on the way?

This. So much this.
Resigning yourself to this fate is a pretty bleak way of looking at things, ESPECIALLY if you don't want it, or you want something more. We're the masters of our own destiny and if we don't like where we're headed there are always things we can do to change where we are.
We're in the drivers seat, we say when we stop and we say if we wanna turn the car around and go to Disneyland instead.

So no, this isn't my destination this is merely a pit stop before I keep going.
 
I felt like loneliness was inevitable for me. It finally happened once I hit my 20's and I've been dealing with it ever since. I can't do anything about it because I can't just get in a car and go out and do things because I don't have a car.

Nowadays when anyone wants to do things with me it's only because I'm a third wheel at their events. I'm always the odd one out.

I once had a social life. I had lots of fun with friends (and we didn't do anything that got us in trouble either because you have to drink or do drugs to "have a good time"). Then my friends drifted away and now I'm just stuck with family all the time and I kinda resent them for it.


Dating? Forget it. No woman will ever give me a chance.
 
Ignis said:
TheRealCallie said:
Why does "this" have to be a destination?  Why not just a stop on the way?

This. So much this.
Resigning yourself to this fate is a pretty bleak way of looking at things, ESPECIALLY if you don't want it, or you want something more. We're the masters of our own destiny and if we don't like where we're headed there are always things we can do to change where we are.
We're in the drivers seat, we say when we stop and we say if we wanna turn the car around and go to Disneyland instead.

So no, this isn't my destination this is merely a pit stop before I keep going.

I told myself that for over 10 years.
 
Ignis said:
So no, this isn't my destination this is merely a pit stop before I keep going.

Or it is accepting that this is who you are so you can move on with that knowledge
 
Nothing ever went how I planned.
I was supposed to be rich and famous, renowed worldwide for being a hero and a force for good, altruistic and selfless.
HA!
What a riot.
I was supposed to meet my sweetheart at 15. Get married by 20. Have kids 2 years latter. Have a house by 25. Retire by 55.
So, for the last hmmm...15 years or so, only thing I've been certain of is that, despite my not being religious anymore, probably wasn't a good idea to call out Satan and tell him to give me his best shot because I'm tougher than he is. Guess I'm not.
At least I got two beautiful daughters. Only thing I have I'm actually proud of. If I ever lose that, won't be anything left to hold me to this world anymore.
But I cope. Long as I got the wind in my hair, I'll be free.

Funny part is, don't necessarily miss not having someone. Sometimes, yes. But that perfect someone I get along with, that perfect girl makes me smile when I'm sad, I kind of stopped believing in her. Better speak up, or forever hold her peace ;-)
 
I had no idea I would end up here. I was so sure that I would be a happily married, successful psychologist. That I would have finished my PhD and would be travelling the world.

I ended up as a teacher. Zero luck in the dating department. Haven't even done my masters and struggling to save up to travel.

Ah well. At least I love my job eh.
 
With hindsight I would say this is where I was destined to end up. I've come to see that I always found it hard to fit in & had very few that I could call friends.

I think a lot of lonely people arrive at this destination so that they can learn to be happy with themselves & by themselves before moving on to find seek what they wish for.

So yes, it had been a time of self reflection, realization, & discovery for me.
 
always felt like an outsider and never felt part of society so i am not too surprised to be here 
 in my mid twentys people around me were getting all the good jobs  ,houses while i was lomg term unemployed and depressed
forward wind a decade or so i got a break with an average job so immediately bought an average house in a less than average place in a misarable place in built up part of northern England
that house was bought at just the right time so within 9 years i was sitting on a large profit

so bitter sweet ,i am where i never dreamed i could afford to be, on a beautiful hillside near the sea in cornwall but i still ended up on these forums ,thats no suprise but my location is  :)
 
RadioMan said:
So yes, it had been a time of self reflection, realization, & discovery for me.

I think once your dating years are over it is so much easier to accept yourself for who you are.  I think I have always been independent and I seemed to think that I was going to change or that people would change me. But the status quo really never changed because I was never going to change.
 
Yes I knd of always knew that I would be single. I never really had any close friends and I never really had an actual girlfriend. Being obese and having ADHD certainly didn't help. I'm thirty-four years old and I'm finally trying to lose weight. I live life in solitude, that's not by design. There was always that special person that I wanted but I couldn't have. Society, as a whole, looks down on anyone who is in their thirties and single. I just hope that I can slim down and maybe increase my chances of not being single. I feel that being skinny is the key of happiness. I know it's not true, but it feels that way. I've always dreamed of having a girlfriend, ever since I was little, seeing everyone else who was hugging and making out with their boyfriend/girlfriend. I love the feeling of holding hands. Sex and laying next to my sort of girlfriend, at that time, was the best feeling ever. It was so wonderful and lovely, but it didn't last. I hated that she called me her boyfriend on minute, then say I wasn't the next minute. I always hold out hope, that things will change the next day. So far it hasn't.

Sorry for ranting.
 
Tealeaf said:
Ignis said:
TheRealCallie said:
Why does "this" have to be a destination?  Why not just a stop on the way?

This. So much this.
Resigning yourself to this fate is a pretty bleak way of looking at things, ESPECIALLY if you don't want it, or you want something more. We're the masters of our own destiny and if we don't like where we're headed there are always things we can do to change where we are.
We're in the drivers seat, we say when we stop and we say if we wanna turn the car around and go to Disneyland instead.

So no, this isn't my destination this is merely a pit stop before I keep going.

I told myself that for over 10 years.

And whose to say that after 11 things wouldn't change? Change never happens instantly, and the only one to instigate true change within us is ourselves.
I used to think that it was my destiny to be alone forever and then I said "F**k that, why do I have to be alone forever? I don't want this to be my fate, I don't wanna be alone forever."
So I changed it. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't quick but I'm well past that defeatist mentality.

EmilyFoxSeaton said:
Ignis said:
So no, this isn't my destination this is merely a pit stop before I keep going.

Or it is accepting that this is who you are so you can move on with that knowledge

Why accept something you don't want? Why accept defeat if you can keep fighting?
If you WANT to be alone, then you've made your decision and there is little anyone can do to change it and if you're content with that choice, then good for you. But if you're accepting it because you feel like nothing can change, that's the wrong attitude to have; you've lost before you've even started.
There is ALWAYS something you can do to to fix the situation you're in, there's ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel, the difference is sometimes you can't always see it.
 
I don't think I was predestined to have so few friends and for years at a time no friends at all. But my family did set me on a bad course and I made things worse by making bad decisions.....I blame myself for believing I was doomed to be alone. Realistically I've only got about 25 years left and I think I've got a fair shot at being somewhat contented. Except for regretting all the years of no joy, no cheer and almost no pleasure of any kind. I'll probably always have that regret. The somewhat contented part? It's doable. I think. With a bit of luck.
 

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