I want to leave this house.

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Dear-_-Tragedy

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I want to leave because of one particular house member. However, money remains a huge constraint and lack of money gives me no power to move house, no power to be myself, no respect in the house. I am so angry right now. So manipulative, condescending, egotistical, arrogant, spiteful, disrespectful, demeaning. I want to leave. I can't. It's like I am trapped. Forever indulging this kind of behavior to be projected and expressed onto me. SO SICK of it. I can't be human. I can't exist as a man, when there's such control over me. Within the place I am supposed to be secure and at ease. I am tired of being belittled before I leave for something important, before I even leave the front door of this 'home'. 

That's the thing, this person KNOWS that I have no control because I have no money. I can't escape so I have to abide by everything. I just want to live and follow my own terms of life. A lot of the constraints often impede on my livelihood, my career too. Especially today. Take away my tools to earn money? As 'punishment'? For a 'mistake' I was unaware I was making? So frustrated. I can't suppress this rage. But I must. I'm going to blow up sooner or later. 
I can't do sh*t about it. I cannot dispute it, I cannot defend my rights as a man vocally and especially not physically. Not when all they need to do is use the 'he is relapsing card'.

I swear, every time I get stronger mentally, they assume defensive positions and think I am relapsing when really I am just becoming the best version of me. I cannot do that in this house. I have outgrown it. I have outgrown the constraints. Yet I am forced to fit in this cage. Because lack of money. 

Get this: I got f*cked up as a child abused, beaten. Then this individual strides into the home I GROW UP IN 'saves the day'. When I am a weak child who is used to being beaten and bullied. The individual then proceeds to dictate my entire youth. Don't do this. Don't do that. Do this. Do that. Go here. Go there. This strange person entering the place I call home. I comply through fear and through feelings of inferiority embedded into me by earlier abuse. 
The only authority this person had was money. So my life was carried away into someone's wallet. Whatever illusion of individuality or self control I thought I had, it did not exist. Within this house, the same still applies. I am a mere robot here. At my age I should have earned some dignity, some respect. NO. Age and money continues to crush my life. 

Who TF should have the privilege to mentally stomp on a fellow human like that? At my age, the utter SH*T I have been through personally. In my own mind. Yet this person glosses over that,  and continues to indulge in this dehumanising behavior.

It went too far when it impeded on my progress in a career today and cut me from access to tools to engage in my career. That is the thing. I am too old to be treated this way but a young man who must grow a career at it's most crucial stage. Then a hammer crushes it in the form of control. 


This post has gotten out of hand. I am just fuming angry right now. I want to scream till my throat is shredded, punch a wall until there isn't any. WTF can I do in life. If this is my mindset, my conditioning and constraints, my current outlook and emotion, how can I continue?
 
Dear-_-Tragedy said:
Who TF should have the privilege to mentally stomp on a fellow human like that?

Why would you listen to it? People can and will say whatever they want, what they deem fit. And as unnecessary and unwelcome as it might be, they're able to do that. You can't control that. You can control if you listen to it, allow it to get to you. That's what you choose. It's not right to tell someone they shouldn't say what they want. We should all be able to. Not liking what they say doesn't mean they shouldn't be able to. Decide for yourself whether or not it's worth actually listening to.
 
Just my two cents....
Are you under aged? Living with parents/step parents? If so, tread carefully.
While I can see that you're clearly distressed and upset at something you think is unfair and unkind, be careful that you don't cut off your nose to spite your face. Sometimes in life, we have to bite our tongue and allow others undue influence in our lives. Sometimes you have to endure until you can do something different/better. Do your best to prepare yourself for when your opportunity to support yourself alone comes along. Does it suck to have to endure something you despise so badly? Absolutely.
Perhaps when the feelings are overwhelming and you think you can't take anymore, try to remind yourself of the end goal and do what you have to do to get there. I know what it's like to live under someone's thumb. But please, for your own sake, take a deep breath and plan, plan, plan. Your time will come.
Good luck!
 

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