What's up, everyone. I'm a 27 year old Chinese from Singapore. My first name is Wee Boon, but you can call me Orius if you want.
I have a history of bad temper that led to many lost friends. Recently, I was banned from a forum for making a "personal attack" against another member. The ban will last for the next three months. Of course, the situation wasn't as simple as it sounds, and the other party had some faults of her own in the argument as well. It takes two to clap, after all. But she never received any punishment as far as I'm aware. Not only that, my friends at the forum have probably turned on me because I never got the chance to tell my side of the story before the ban.
As pathetic as it sounds, the fact remains that the forum was my main source of social interaction in my life. I made a lot of friends there, and the thought that they probably hate me now because of one outburst, it just hurts. I've been going through depression for the past five days since my ban. I've been having trouble sleeping and all I could think about was the bitterness and pain from not getting a fair chance to explain myself. And I might be having some paranoia as well, because to tell you the truth, I don't really know if they really hate me or not (hence why I used "probably" for the two sentences above). I'm basing it on very little information I could find. But one of my most treasured friends (past tense now that I've seen what she wrote about me) did compare my outburst to child abuse and workplace abuse, so there's that. It's a ridiculous analogy, and shows how much she resents me, especially when the argument didn't even directly involve her.
So here I am, wandering around the Internet to seek yet another new source of social interaction. This is my way of coping, I guess, to move on. But it's been almost a week now, and I still couldn't move on. I loved those guys, and to have this aching suspicion that they've turned on me, it's kept me numb and heartbroken. I've wondered over the past few days whether if I should return to apologize after the three-month ban is lifted, but everytime I thought about this, I always felt like it wasn't fair for me to be the only one to apologize, that I shouldn't be the only to go through this humiliation. And what if they still hate me after a sincere apology? Furthermore, the actions of the members there after my ban were questionable, unprofessional, and unethical, which was something I feel is only fair that I point out after my ban, which might not help with my apology at all. I know I should be the bigger man and look past their actions and poor choice of words regarding my ban, but I don't know if I could swallow my pride and let them put the entire blame on me.
Regarding my anger issues: I have seen a number of counselors and therapists throughout my life for this matter. None of them really helped of course. It's hard to find an anger management program in Singapore. I sought out my nearest polyclinic and asked the doctors there to admit me into some kind of anger management program, but all they did was gave me a lousy therapist with cognitive therapy. I've been at therapy for a year now and it didn't help. The medical fee is costly too.
My anger has gotten me into trouble for more times than I could count, but it's been so long since I've been like this that it feels... unfixable. I just can't stop myself from getting bothered about criticisms and insults. More often than not, I would admit that it has to do with my ego and pride than anything else. I hate being accused of something I feel to be false. If I've done something wrong, I'll admit it, but I hate being falsely accused. It's ironic, but my loneliness is a factor that has made me so defensive. In turn, my defensiveness leads to my anger, and my anger leads to my loneliness. It's a vicious circle I can't break from.
I see myself ending up bitter and alone in the next ten years. I'm hitting 28 next March, soon to be 30. I can't see any way out of this downward spiral.
I have a history of bad temper that led to many lost friends. Recently, I was banned from a forum for making a "personal attack" against another member. The ban will last for the next three months. Of course, the situation wasn't as simple as it sounds, and the other party had some faults of her own in the argument as well. It takes two to clap, after all. But she never received any punishment as far as I'm aware. Not only that, my friends at the forum have probably turned on me because I never got the chance to tell my side of the story before the ban.
As pathetic as it sounds, the fact remains that the forum was my main source of social interaction in my life. I made a lot of friends there, and the thought that they probably hate me now because of one outburst, it just hurts. I've been going through depression for the past five days since my ban. I've been having trouble sleeping and all I could think about was the bitterness and pain from not getting a fair chance to explain myself. And I might be having some paranoia as well, because to tell you the truth, I don't really know if they really hate me or not (hence why I used "probably" for the two sentences above). I'm basing it on very little information I could find. But one of my most treasured friends (past tense now that I've seen what she wrote about me) did compare my outburst to child abuse and workplace abuse, so there's that. It's a ridiculous analogy, and shows how much she resents me, especially when the argument didn't even directly involve her.
So here I am, wandering around the Internet to seek yet another new source of social interaction. This is my way of coping, I guess, to move on. But it's been almost a week now, and I still couldn't move on. I loved those guys, and to have this aching suspicion that they've turned on me, it's kept me numb and heartbroken. I've wondered over the past few days whether if I should return to apologize after the three-month ban is lifted, but everytime I thought about this, I always felt like it wasn't fair for me to be the only one to apologize, that I shouldn't be the only to go through this humiliation. And what if they still hate me after a sincere apology? Furthermore, the actions of the members there after my ban were questionable, unprofessional, and unethical, which was something I feel is only fair that I point out after my ban, which might not help with my apology at all. I know I should be the bigger man and look past their actions and poor choice of words regarding my ban, but I don't know if I could swallow my pride and let them put the entire blame on me.
Regarding my anger issues: I have seen a number of counselors and therapists throughout my life for this matter. None of them really helped of course. It's hard to find an anger management program in Singapore. I sought out my nearest polyclinic and asked the doctors there to admit me into some kind of anger management program, but all they did was gave me a lousy therapist with cognitive therapy. I've been at therapy for a year now and it didn't help. The medical fee is costly too.
My anger has gotten me into trouble for more times than I could count, but it's been so long since I've been like this that it feels... unfixable. I just can't stop myself from getting bothered about criticisms and insults. More often than not, I would admit that it has to do with my ego and pride than anything else. I hate being accused of something I feel to be false. If I've done something wrong, I'll admit it, but I hate being falsely accused. It's ironic, but my loneliness is a factor that has made me so defensive. In turn, my defensiveness leads to my anger, and my anger leads to my loneliness. It's a vicious circle I can't break from.
I see myself ending up bitter and alone in the next ten years. I'm hitting 28 next March, soon to be 30. I can't see any way out of this downward spiral.