Well, it's been a while since I wrote on this thread.
I know there's a diary section, but people can't comment on those and if there's one thing I learned in the last few months, it's that this story, what happened to us, leaves no one indifferent. Some people I've talked to who inquired as to why I always looked so sad, or depressed, or just off, experience a wide range of emotion just learning about it. It's changed me profoundly, changed us, changed our family and changed them. In about three weeks, on the 20th of April will be the court date, to know how long he'll actually stay in jail. We had a previous court date in february to decide wether immediate incarceration was warranted or not, due to the severity of the crime and the impact on all of us, it was, so he's been incarcerated since then. This is not a trial, since he pled guilty, asked the court for leniency, which he didn't get. Everyone was horrified by his cavalier attitude and his complete lack of remorse or guilt at it. So I'm starting to get nervous...
I was pondering things at home last night, yesterday. I don't have much in the way of an actual life, so pondering things is pretty much what I do, all the time. Alone with my thoughts, it used to be liberating, but it's kind of a nightmare now, because my thoughts constantly come back to this. I realize now after some time has lapsed,that nothing has really changed. I'm still the same person I used to be, my troubles are all the same as before, actually they've gotten worse and I feel no better equipped to handle them than I was before. They just talked me out of murder, which, I'll be quite honest with you, I've far from removed from my mind. It's still the first thing I think about in the morning and the last at night. I still feel guilty, I still feel all of this is my fault, that I should have been a better father, that I should have guessed all this was happening. I've been looking for a new job since January and nothing seems to work. Looking for an appartment and nothing seems to work. Prospects aren't all that pleasant. I decided to shy away from what I wanted to do, which is work with victims in social sciences or something, but the system is now so warped that I don't have the means to make it work, not as long as I pay child support. So I decided to go get my driver's license, which I never got and try to get hired as a trucker. Kids are growing older, they already started to come less often, eventually they'll have their own lives and I'll be by myself once more. SO I better start thinking about my own future without taking them into consideration. And being n the road all day, in a truck, with no boss over my shoulders sounds pretty **** fine right now.
I feel like I'm heading towards a brick wall 200 mph and I don't know that I can stop it. I certainly don't feel strenght to anymore. Sometimes I get bursts, but...I just feel tired again. Old. Worn. Some days I can control it, or rather hide it, but somedays it gets really bad. Some days also, the bad guy comes out. I just felt like punching a dude for no reason yesterday night, walking home. He just pissed me off, there was no reason. I didn't do it, but the fact I even considered it scared me. It's too gratuitous, it's not really the me I became, it's the me I was...
So yeah. Court date. I hope they don't give me reason to be disappointed. Because if I do and he's free, say next year? I will never trust the justice system again. I'll also find a way to make sure Justice is done.
