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Going to be gone for a while...
#61
That's good, Richard, you are trying to make the best out of horrible circumstances and moving forward. I don't know if I would have the courage to continued after all that happened to you if it happened to me. I just don't know how you do it. Best of luck to you!
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#62
It's funny, this morning. Not funny "haha", just funny not funny.
How one event can change your entire life and you can't get rid of it.
I mean, I used to be no better than anyone. Used to not believe in stuff like depression. Used to think those who left because of mental burnout are just not tough enough. Still do sometimes, because of my arrogant human nature, I guess. Forcing myself to change, because it's not right to think that, but I still do sometimes, despite myself.
But now...now I understand.
I understand how a single event replay over and over in your mind and doesn't go away. When every morning, every minute of everything you do always comes back to that nightmarish thought. I never expected to have to live with that. Never wanted to live with that. Did everything I could to never have to live with that, because I'm one of the ones who read the stories of this happening to others and thought "I don't know how I'd be able to live with that, I'd go insane". Because it's just too cruel a thought to have to carry around the rest of your life, a scar too deep. I'd rather have lost bodyparts than have moments like in this shower this morning where I start again thinking about all this and cry for no reason for the sheer pain I feel of what happened to the ones I love the most.
I understand too when the girl last week told me it was still fresh. I didn't know how fresh it was until this morning, really. I didn't expect to start crying for no reason this morning. I've kind of become an expert at bowling through each day wearing a mask of carefreeness as fake as Pamela Anderson's tits. But every moment I don't watch myself and am not busy, even in the middle of conversations with people, I remember what happened. Can't get it out of my head. It doesn't want to. I realize also now that no matter how many people I talk to about it, no matter how I explain it, they might have some sympathy, but, they won't understand. Only people that will are those who have lived such a profound loss as this and if any of them are reading, well...dear god. How I wish I could have stopped this happening to you. Even if I hate you, even if you'd be my worst enermy, you don't deserve to be hurting like this. Not like THIS. Not ever.

I wonder these days. I wonder how long this will last. I don't see myself going on a decade like this, feeling half-dead everyday and not enjoying life. As much as I tried to convince myself the last decade, I found out I'm not a robot and I'm not invulnerable. I certainly am no Superman. So I wonder how long I'll be able to last until I finally break down. Until will just isn't enough anymore. Funny. Funny because, you know, you can't cry about it, so why not laugh about it?

Every time I feel this way, in my mind I hear Highway to Hell. AC/DC, one of my favorite bands. I hear the song, imagine myself on the road behind a huge muscle car, flames coming out of the tires, heading 150 miles per hour down a big black burning and flaming hole of nowhere.
And sometimes...sometimes I like it. Weird.

I'll be with my girls this weekend though. That always makes everything better. I feel like I'm whole then.
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