Loneliness getting too Much..

Hi,

I did actually join here back in 2014, but never got around to posting, so this is my first post.

I've always been pretty lonely, never having many close friends, though for the past 15 years I have at least had a lovely partner.  But my problem has always been having virtually no close friends and my partner has also been in the same boat, since we have been together and he moved away from where he lived where he did have friends, but didn't stay in touch with any of them.  The loneliness has now got worse however, as last September, we moved to a small village around 30 miles away from where we were living and even further from my family and because neither of us work (My partner is disabled and I am his carer) and we are always struggling financially, so can't just go out and about to places like pubs/bars etc., to  meet people and there is nothing here to get involved with for free here, we don't see anyone on a day to day basis, unless we go into town and then it is just staff in shops and nobody is that friendly here.  

The last town we lived in, we did have a few friends and when we moved, they all promised to visit, but none have and so now we have no-one and go from day to day seeing nobody.     We have also just fallen out with our neighbours because their dog keeps constantly yapping at us through the hedge and I have tried telling them about it before and they do sometimes try to keep her quiet, but the other day she kept on yapping and I was feeling very depressed and angry at everything that day, especially as the weather was so grey and miserable.  So think I must have made it very obvious that I was angry about the dog barking and they haven't spoken to us since.    So, that makes us feel even lonelier here now, as we don't even have the neighbours to have the occasional word with and it also feels really awkward, as we will have to try to avoid each other every time we come in and out of our properties and adjoining gardens!   In the rest of the street and village we live  in, it is mainly old people or very rich people (Apart from the neighbours who aren't speaking to us anymore us anymore!) who we really have nothing in common with and when I go out for a walk with our dog, out on the country walks around the village, I barely EVER see anyone and it's like I am the only person alive for miles, which further perpetuates the lonely feeling and I often sit and cry as it feels so horrible and there's no-one around to see me anyway!  My partner has no family and though I do have a mum, dad and half brother (I also have a sister and brother who no longer speak to me), I barely see them due to financial constraints and us now being further away from them.  Today though, my dad visited us and brought my half brother, who we hadn't seen in a year (Though we used to meet up quite regularly when we lived in our old town) and I cried when they left, because I won't be able to see them again for a while and it was so nice to have them here and to have someone else to talk to.  Now it's just back to myself, my partner and our two dogs, just like always, though I am VERY grateful to have them at least, as I know some people really do have nobody. 

I also suffer from a form of social anxiety when meeting new people and the worst and most debilitating symptom of this is that I start blushing when I talk to people, so I often avoid talking to people for long, because the blushing makes me feel so stupid and I really hate it and just want to run away when it starts!  It has held me back from so much in life, so many times I have wanted to talk to people, or speak out, in front of people on something I feel passionate about, or know a lot about, but won't because of the blushing when people look at me.  So, in a way, not seeing people day to day is kind of nice (In a weird sense) because it means I don't have to deal with that awful blushing and the feeling of dread and humiliation that goes with it.    I sometimes feel I am losing my mind though, not having a normal life and not socially interacting (Except with my partner) on a regular basis.  The only place I do any social interacting is social media, but that's not the same as having physical people around you and sometimes.   My partner doesn't do social media and does get a bit lonely too, but doesn't mind it anywhere near as much as I do.

It's getting to the point where I'm really starting to dread each day and this move was supposed to be to our dream home, our first ever beautiful home, with our first ever garden (All the other places we have lived have been pretty much just basic flats with no garden) and although I love the house and our garden to bits, the social isolation and being surrounded by mainly old people (And my partner doesn't like it much either for that reason) when you're only in your early 40s, is really, really getting me down. We really were so lucky to have got such a lovely new home and garden and since we've been here, we've put a lot of money and effort into planting up our garden for us to enjoy, when all the trees and shrubs have matured and we don't want to leave all that now, so moving isn't an option.  Also, we don't have the funds either because we are in social housing and it put us into some debt moving here and we would have to get into more debt to move again.  Plus my partner adores his garden and would be absolutely gutted to give it up and so would I, despite the loneliness.  

I just wish we could pick up the house and the garden and move somewhere else, with a bit more community and people of different ages and classes, because even though I would still have the social blushing problem, at least there would be more chance of social interaction, which would still be preferable to none! 

Sorry for the long rant!! Just needed to tell someone.

Hey, sorry, Lonelytimegirl, hope things get better for you and your partner and that you start to make friends. I can't offer any advice other than the old truisms everyone always gives, so I just wish you good luck! I am in a bit of a rough spot right now where I am trying to find a job, and although I found a job that's kinda terrible for a temporary time, I'm definitely hoping for something better to turn up soon. It makes me feel so isolated to have nobody at hand to relate to. The lack of money is a big issue, and I just hope something works out. Well, thanks for listening and again, good luck!

Once upon a time, I was in a very similar situation to you - I was the caretaker of my partner, who was disabled (schizophrenia) and neither of us worked - he was on a disability pension, and finances were always very tight. Yes, I remember it being very isolating from a social perspective. Not having a 'regular' sort of existence, at least compared to the people around you, can be difficult - if one is working you often have the opportunity to meet fellow co-workers who could potentially become friends down the road - or at least it's someone to chat with for a change.

Are there volunteer opportunities where you live? Something to get you out of the house on a regular basis, but that doesn't cost you money? Or maybe you could create a part-time job for yourself? You mention getting out to walk your dog, and also the fact there's lots of older people in the area - what about something like a pet-walking service, something that brings in a bit of extra money, gets you out of the house, and maybe meeting more people in the community while out and about? Probably lots of options if you give it some thought....

Anyway, hang in there. It always hard moving to a new area, and coupled with the social anxiety issue (I can totally relate to that...), it's hard to meet potential friends. But, sounds like you are happy with your partner, and that's most important! Wish you both luck in settling down, hope the situation improves for you both. Keep us posted.

Cheers!

Thank you for the replies wallflower79 and ringwood and sorry for the late response.

Since I posted, I realised I had it totally wrong about my neighbour not speaking to us anymore and I think that is another problem I have, not trusting people too much and always thinking that they don't like me/or no longer like me. I've done it so many times now and felt terrible each time I was proved wrong, but still keep thinking the same way.   Anyway, at least everything with the neighbours is fine (Apart from the annoying yappy dog, which drives me mad !!).

ringwood, in answer to your reply.  Yes, it is very hard with both of us at home all the time and not interacting with people on a daily basis through work etc.  I would like to do some voluntary work and I did consider volunteering in a charity shop in town, but that would mean me talking face to face with people (Which I actually enjoy) and then going red in the face!  So, I don't think I'd really feel comfortable with that, unfortunately.  I also love wild birds and animals and would like to volunteer with some kind of animal charity, but there's nothing really close by, so it would mean driving, which I can't really afford at the moment.  The dog walking thing is an idea and worth thinking about though, if I can find anyone who wants their dog walked.

Yes, I am happy with my partner and that means a lot.  He is extremely supportive and always tries to make me happy, so it would benefit both of us if I had more friends and social interaction, as lack of this does make me depressed.

Anyway, thanks again both of you for your kind replies and I really hope things improve for both of you too and wallflower79, I really wish you the best of luck in finding a suitable job for yourself very soon!!