Would you reject someone who likes you? Why?

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AnonymousMe

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Hey everyone, I got curious about something and I just want to know what you all think.
 
I know I’ve said this before, but I have a feeling that if I don’t state it again, no one will understand me.  When I dropped out of College, I gave up on dating altogether; I don’t bother in seeking mates anymore, because I know I don’t fulfill enough qualities to be a boyfriend, nevertheless I still have the foolish hope of someone confessing that they like me.  I’ve always thought that that would be my way out of loneliness, like someone rescuing me, so to speak, it’s extremely rare for such event to happen, but hey, you never know.
 
However, yesterday I thought about what could really happen if I find myself in such situation: I think I would actually reject the proposal.  If there is someone out there that actually finds me attractive, it’ll make me EXTREMELY happy, but for their sake, there is no way I would allow anyone to date me.  People generally seek that special someone who will spend the rest of their lives with, the problem is that I’m probably someone without a proper future.  I see it as very dim, poor, desperate and even dangerous if the wrong decisions are made, even if I try to give it my all in anything to have a brighter future, I still don’t have too much faith in myself, I know my strengths and weaknesses and unfortunately, my weaknesses outweigh my strengths.  So instead of wasting their time, I could simply tell that I’m not worth their time and that they deserve someone better.  There are some stubborn enough in believing that the relationship could work out if they try to help, but it is a very big gamble, I would not allow them to take the risk, honestly… unless if they don’t mind living a cheap life.
 
I’ve always thought that I don’t want to be in my deathbed thinking that I couldn’t do even one of the most basic things about life, that having at least one partner in my entire life would be enough for me to die happily.  I generally don’t care about people and their problems, but when I get involved in their lives, too bad I care about them more than myself; I am someone who disappoints the majority of times after all and I don’t want people reminding me that and me reminding it to them.
 
So, I wonder everyone, I don’t know how you all feel about getting a girlfriend or a boyfriend, it is a lonely forum, so I assume a lot of you want a significant other, but when someone confesses to you, what would you do?  Knowing your circumstances and possible future, would you reject or accept the proposal?
 
I wouldnt outright reject someone i liked or someone i was interested in. Not based on those reasons at least.
 
Well... I'm much older than you, but I imagine that my experiences are still pertinent.

Several years ago, I decided that I have little to offer a prospective partner and so would not look for a romantic connection. I know that recently there was someone who liked me and I 'rejected' them to save them from me, but I kind of think she'd have preferred me to just give it a go and let her find out for herself.

The way I see it is this: provide the other person with all the information they need in order to make an informed choice and then respect their ability to decide for themselves. If you've done that, then you have nothing to feel guilty about should everything go wrong in the future. You've only got one shot at this life, so don't deprive yourself of an opportunity out of some misconceived notion of chivalry.
 
Dude, you can't think like this, it is just a toxic narrative that will hurt you a lot in the long. If someone is interested and you like them then throw caution and all the 'what ifs' to the wind. Really as simple as that. Women can judge for themselves whether someone is what they are looking for in a partner or not, they wouldn't show interest if they didn't feel it.
 
There are lot of reasons to reject someone, but if one looks away from the obvious (along the lines of it being a violent pedophile murdering kittens or something) then, if there was nothing wrong and both liked each other, why not give it a go? I'm all for "only I can choose my doom", while also saying "I want to protect everyone around me I care about", but if everyone acted that way there'd be problems.

I agree with Cavey - give them the neccessary information, though not too "self-hating" or "glorifying", and let them choose what doom they'll meet :D
 
There are some good reasons, beyond the self-loathing of the OP, to consider whether you're really suited to relationships, particularly if you're unsure of the person.. For one thing if you've been single most of your life it's going to involve a huge lifestyle change. You won't be used to the emotional turmoil, or if it ends, rejection. For someone over 30 this will all be way outside their comfort zone.
 
AnonymousMe said:
=/  You're all, kind of, uncaring.

How are they uncaring?  You asked a question and those gave you honest answers.  

As for my opinion, unless you don't want to date for reasons other than you don't think you are dateable or, like meaw said, there are red flags flying everywhere, I can't see any reason why you should reject them.  Shouldn't it be their decision if you are worth dating or not?  That's what the whole get to know you phase is for.
 
TheRealCallie said:
AnonymousMe said:
=/  You're all, kind of, uncaring.

How are they uncaring?  You asked a question and those gave you honest answers.

And I appreciate those answers, it's just that, I wonder they would get into a relationship fully knowing that it'll definitely end in a failure, that there's no proper chemistry for it, be it positive or negative.  To me, that's not caring about the other person, he/she would not have wasted his/her time and instead could've searched for someone else and denying proposals is definitely less hurtful than breaking up, except if he/she already has a backup boyfriend/girlfriend.
 
AnonymousMe said:
TheRealCallie said:
AnonymousMe said:
=/  You're all, kind of, uncaring.

How are they uncaring?  You asked a question and those gave you honest answers.

And I appreciate those answers, it's just that, I wonder they would get into a relationship fully knowing that it'll definitely end in a failure, that there's no proper chemistry for it, be it positive or negative.  To me, that's not caring about the other person, he/she would not have wasted his/her time and instead could've searched for someone else and denying proposals is definitely less hurtful than breaking up, except if he/she already has a backup boyfriend/girlfriend.

How exactly do you know there's not going to be chemistry.  If they like you and you like them, why wouldn't there be any chemistry? 

But even if there isn't any chemistry, that's kind of how dating works...trial and error until you find someone that you do have chemistry with.
 
TheRealCallie said:
How exactly do you know there's not going to be chemistry.  If they like you and you like them, why wouldn't there be any chemistry? 

Well, before two people become a couple, they're usually friends or acquaintances, right?  That's usually when you'd know you're not compatible with someone that likes you.  Say...

You're introverted, while the one who likes you is extroverted.
You're physically fit, but the one who likes you is physically unfit.
You both follow differently timed schedules and agendas.
You both have radically different opinions on serious subjects.
You are economically rich, while the one who likes you is poor.

You know, things like that.  I will admit though, there are some very strange pairs out there, I don't know who they are and I don't care, but what's certain is that they won't last, not even if they marry.
 
Also we don't all hate ourselves. Just because you have these thoughts about yourself doesn't mean we all feel that way about ourselves.

If I know 100% that it wouldnt work because of certain issues I'd probably say no. But really im the more optimistic type that thinks that if they are worth it then its worth trying even if it would be hard to make work or there are obstacles to overcome. At that point its more a matter of your priorities than anything. I don't see why not at least try your best and if it doesnt work out then it doesn't work out.
 
AnonymousMe said:
TheRealCallie said:
How exactly do you know there's not going to be chemistry.  If they like you and you like them, why wouldn't there be any chemistry? 

Well, before two people become a couple, they're usually friends or acquaintances, right?  That's usually when you'd know you're not compatible with someone that likes you.  Say...

You're introverted, while the one who likes you is extroverted.
You're physically fit, but the one who likes you is physically unfit.
You both follow differently timed schedules and agendas.
You both have radically different opinions on serious subjects.
You are economically rich, while the one who likes you is poor.

You know, things like that.  I will admit though, there are some very strange pairs out there, I don't know who they are and I don't care, but what's certain is that they won't last, not even if they marry.

Most people who begin dating don't know each other all that well, I'd say.   Especially with the online dating aspect. 

None of the reasons you gave would be a reason not to date someone unless they (or you) aren't willing to compromise or agree to disagree. 

I know quite a few "very strange" pairs out there that are married and are very happy.  It's not about what you look like or what you do or your beliefs.  It's about compromise, trust, honesty and simply not being an ass.  (To clarify, I am NOT calling you an ass)
 
To answer the topic question, yes, I would. The why would probably vary. I'm never going to be with someone just because they like me. If there's no connection, either by not knowing them or by them showing me a horrendous side of them that would almost immediately make me completely uninterested in them, I wouldn't commit to a relationship that wasn't real and true. I think rejection is a part of life. We're not going to get what we want all the time, and I'd rather be single than to adopt that attitude. Likewise, if someone didn't truly like me, I wouldn't want them to simply agree. I wouldn't want someone to settle for me.
 
It's too broad a question for me to actively say yes or now. But dealing with rejecting is a normal, healthy course of life. I have rejected, and have been rejected, for a variety of reasons. It's fine. We're human. If rejection didn't exist, every time someone told us NO, we'd throw tantrums. Some already do with the entire "nice guy" trope.

So my answer would be, it depends. Usually on the person, wether it be physical or personality wise.
 
TheRealCallie said:
Most people who begin dating don't know each other all that well, I'd say.   Especially with the online dating aspect. 

None of the reasons you gave would be a reason not to date someone unless they (or you) aren't willing to compromise or agree to disagree. 

That can't be true, people usually ask others out because they see a certain trait or two that they find attractive and that usually happens during their time as friends, where they slowly learn more about who they're hanging around with.

What's wrong with not respecting the free will of the other person if you know things aren't going to work out between two people?  Rejection is usually the best option in some situations.
 
AnonymousMe said:
TheRealCallie said:
Most people who begin dating don't know each other all that well, I'd say.   Especially with the online dating aspect. 

None of the reasons you gave would be a reason not to date someone unless they (or you) aren't willing to compromise or agree to disagree. 

That can't be true, people usually ask others out because they see a certain trait or two that they find attractive and that usually happens during their time as friends, where they slowly learn more about who they're hanging around with.

What's wrong with not respecting the free will of the other person if you know things aren't going to work out between two people?  Rejection is usually the best option in some situations.

What's wrong with that is that you can't KNOW things won't work out if you don't try.  Essentially, you're just making excuses to not try.  Sure, if you have ABSOLUTELY NO interest in the other person, reject them, but if you just have some doubts, then no, you should give it a shot because that's how you find out if you are a match or not.
 
TheRealCallie said:
What's wrong with that is that you can't KNOW things won't work out if you don't try.  Essentially, you're just making excuses to not try.  Sure, if you have ABSOLUTELY NO interest in the other person, reject them, but if you just have some doubts, then no, you should give it a shot because that's how you find out if you are a match or not.

Those doubts you mention can be too obvious many times though, like the ones I stated above.
You wouldn't want to date someone that is too different than you, right?  It's a simple fact of life that opposites don't attract.
 
I understand what it's like to feel like you would never make a good partner for someone. I used to feel like this and I did reject everyone who showed even the slightest interest in me, believing that I was sparing them the hurt of being involved with someone who was most likely going to disappoint them.

I don't assume to know you Anonymous, but I think this is the kind of thought one has for two reasons. Either you have really low self esteem (like I did) or you are being practical (you have no job/job that pays very little/have no time/are ill and not indepedent etc) because you think it is very difficult or unlikely for things to work out under these circumstances. Also I could be completely wrong about this, if yes please ignore :)

What I do know is that humans are complex creatures. Even those with the bleakest of futures can find someone to love them (I've known such couples). And opposite do attract sometimes, for some people. I've always preferred being with someone unlike me personality wise for example. I like that they balance things out.

When I think about the couples who have made it work, I see one common denominator. They may be different in a million ways but they all seem to share similarities when it comes to values. 

This has been my observation so far at least.
 

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