Learning to 'Drop the rope' and to stop chasing friends

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Outcast

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At 28, it's only dawned on me recently that no matter how kind, generous, or hard I try to build or maintain a friendship with someone - if they don't put an effort in - there's nothing more I can do. I'm not the problem, and out of respect for myself...I should just walk away.

I had a sad childhood and spent most of my life lonely and friendless. Naturally, being a people-pleasure and not having an idea of 'normal boundaries' when it came to self-respect; I struggled and still struggle with 'reading between the lines' and recognizing when people are lying for the sake of 'politeness' or are actually honest and care for me.

Friends (if I happen to luck out and make one) cycle in and out of my life. I've come to notice that my friendships fall into a pattern:
- I'm always being the one to initiate everything (messages, meetups etc.)
- I'm always compromising for what they want (what they want to do, their time and schedule etc.)
- Friends will stop talking to me for weeks/ months etc. then randomly send me a message; then stop replying for weeks/ months or not at all

I've had a long time to self-reflect on the causes for this and adjust myself and actions. I've blamed myself at many times and continued to stay in one-sided friendships which left me questioning my self-worth. I've reached out endlessly in the friend-making world and people are all the same. I've tried to understand why people are acting the way that they do towards me.

I think it's time to 'drop the rope' and to let go when I recognize that a friendship isn't making me happy. I'm the type of person that persists at a problem but it seems that it's only a problem from my point of view. Otherwise, the 'friends' that I have would actually make an effort for me (like they do for their other 'friends'). There is NO POINT in wondering why people behave the way that they do. They are not worth me or my headspace.

It is hard for me to accept that this is something that I can't fix but the only thing that I can control is how I let others treat me. 

Is anyone else in the same situation as well?
 
Outcast said:
Is anyone else in the same situation as well?
Click to expand...

Yes... I dropped all my friends this year because I just felt like there was nothing on the other side. I was merely tolerated. They didn't give two shites about me. If I didn't do what they want, say, what they wanted... they would turn on me as fast as a snake in the grass. What is the point of that?

Even at work were I can't really get rid of people they just come over and flat out use me. I can't figure out anyway to avoid it but they 
- come to my office to walk to with me for lunch -- but don't eat it with me. Err, what are you afraid to go to lunch alone?
- come to my office to tell me about some drama with their family and then... leave.
- come to my office when I am busy and show me a relative photo I don't care about but when they are busy I am made to feel like I am bothering them.

It is the way of the world these days.
 
Im the same age. I also have very similar cycles with new friends. Ive also been learning that its better to "drop the rope". Im recently learning how to drop the rope instead of completely burning the bridge all together.

It leaves me a lot more isolated but less lonely and resentful about it. At this time a year ago I was full of dark negative feelings. Its a lot easier to be content this way.

The only people worth energy are the ones that have been around since forever and people that dont make things overly difficult.

Once I get the hint of ambivalent feelings towards someone It's a red flag that it's time for me to go. It's better than driving yourself crazy giving chance after chance only to be let down.
 
Outcast said:
I had a sad childhood and spent most of my life lonely and friendless. Naturally, being a people-pleasure and not having an idea of 'normal boundaries' when it came to self-respect; I struggled and still struggle with 'reading between the lines' and recognizing when people are lying for the sake of 'politeness' or are actually honest and care for me.

Friends (if I happen to luck out and make one) cycle in and out of my life. I've come to notice that my friendships fall into a pattern:
- I'm always being the one to initiate everything (messages, meetups etc.)
- I'm always compromising for what they want (what they want to do, their time and schedule etc.)
- Friends will stop talking to me for weeks/ months etc. then randomly send me a message; then stop replying for weeks/ months or not at all
Click to expand...

Same here. And I still don't really know how to balance.... :/
 
EmilyFoxSeaton said:
It is the way of the world these days.
Click to expand...

That's exactly my sad understanding of the world of today. I can't shake the feeling as well that our dependency on social media has encouraged this kind of behavior in some way. Sad state of affairs.
Friends are supposed to be there for each other. Hell or high water.

Hell, maybe I'm just a knight errand who was born out of his time lol. But that's the way it is. I have maybe 2 friends that are like that and I'm very happy with it. The rest, it's always dependent upon how they feel, what they think.

Ah well. Who cares. Their loss, in any case. It's such a rewarding experience to actually be friends with someone on a "back to back" basis I don't understand why it's not what everyone fights for. My answer is to secretly sarcasm the hell out of them to get rid of them quicker. Makes funny stories to tell my friends and my kids ;-)
 
Outcast said:
At 28, it's only dawned on me recently that no matter how kind, generous, or hard I try to build or maintain a friendship with someone - if they don't put an effort in - there's nothing more I can do. I'm not the problem, and out of respect for myself...I should just walk away.

I had a sad childhood and spent most of my life lonely and friendless. Naturally, being a people-pleasure and not having an idea of 'normal boundaries' when it came to self-respect; I struggled and still struggle with 'reading between the lines' and recognizing when people are lying for the sake of 'politeness' or are actually honest and care for me.

Friends (if I happen to luck out and make one) cycle in and out of my life. I've come to notice that my friendships fall into a pattern:
- I'm always being the one to initiate everything (messages, meetups etc.)
- I'm always compromising for what they want (what they want to do, their time and schedule etc.)
- Friends will stop talking to me for weeks/ months etc. then randomly send me a message; then stop replying for weeks/ months or not at all

I've had a long time to self-reflect on the causes for this and adjust myself and actions. I've blamed myself at many times and continued to stay in one-sided friendships which left me questioning my self-worth. I've reached out endlessly in the friend-making world and people are all the same. I've tried to understand why people are acting the way that they do towards me.

I think it's time to 'drop the rope' and to let go when I recognize that a friendship isn't making me happy. I'm the type of person that persists at a problem but it seems that it's only a problem from my point of view. Otherwise, the 'friends' that I have would actually make an effort for me (like they do for their other 'friends'). There is NO POINT in wondering why people behave the way that they do. They are not worth me or my headspace.

It is hard for me to accept that this is something that I can't fix but the only thing that I can control is how I let others treat me. 

Is anyone else in the same situation as well?
Click to expand...

I could have written this post myself.

I agree completely and can add nothing to what you've said.

Well, perhaps, cats and dogs are better than people.
 
Sorry to hear you all are in the same boat as me. It's unfortunate that good friendships are so hard to find. 

I'm actually in a situation with a friend where the last time I asked her out, she didn't respond to me for 3-4 months. She messaged me out of the blue saying that she didn't see my text, and after I asked her out again late last month, she still hasn't responded (it's been 1 month now). I'm struggling to restrain myself from reaching out to her again and looking like a desperate fool. I was in a similar circumstance with a 'colleague friend' (these are the worst kind IMO) and it was a shocking experience to open my eyes and recognize how she kept on stringing me along (very similar behaviour for almost a year and she kept standing me up) and wasn't a friend at all from the very beginning.

kamya and emily - How did you drop these friends? A confrontation? The fade away? Did they reach out to you again? Or do they periodically reach out to you (like in my circumstances, when they're bored etc.)? What do you think of my situation? Am I correct in recognizing that this friend doesn't give a honeysuckle about me? It sure feels like it.
 
For me it used to be confrontations and burning bridges. Lately just fading away or stopping contact. Seems to work best because usually im the only one ever reaching out in the first place. So once i stop then the relationship ends with little effort.

The one thing i cant stand is a flaky friend or someone that ignores me or my attempts at communicating for however long. It's the biggest slap in the face for me. 

The classic "It's better to be alone than be around people that make you feel alone" phrase has really been proving true for me in the past couple of years.

One thing i can say that burning bridges does is it completely severs things. There are no ambiguous, ambivalent, loose ends. Its a clean break which can be great in the long run. No more fighting, second guessing, passive aggressive crap, or wondering where you stand.

Im objectively more isolated and alone than ive ever been but my happiness and quality of life and use of time has never been better. And the times I can spend with the friends/family I do have are a lot more significant to me. I am much more grateful and thankful for the handful of quality friendships i do have. 

Just cut em off.
 
Thanks for sharing your experience. It's definitely an eye-opener. I'm trying to adjust my limits and mentality in this area.

Funnily enough, when I was dating I had very high standards for how I wanted to be treated and was very efficient and cutting off men that I felt disrespected me by being flaky or not valuing my time. It's surprising to me that I'm having so much difficulty in applying this to friendships.
 
kamya said:
For me it used to be confrontations and burning bridges. Lately just fading away or stopping contact. Seems to work best because usually im the only one ever reaching out in the first place. So once i stop then the relationship ends with little effort.

The one thing i cant stand is a flaky friend or someone that ignores me or my attempts at communicating for however long. It's the biggest slap in the face for me. 

The classic "It's better to be alone than be around people that make you feel alone" phrase has really been proving true for me in the past couple of years.

One thing i can say that burning bridges does is it completely severs things. There are no ambiguous, ambivalent, loose ends. Its a clean break which can be great in the long run. No more fighting, second guessing, passive aggressive crap, or wondering where you stand.

Im objectively more isolated and alone than ive ever been but my happiness and quality of life and use of time has never been better. And the times I can spend with the friends/family I do have are a lot more significant to me. I am much more grateful and thankful for the handful of quality friendships i do have. 

Just cut em off.
Click to expand...

^ this

One can learn to live in "aloneness" without withering away into "loneliness."
 
Outcast said:
kamya and emily - How did you drop these friends? A confrontation? The fade away? Did they reach out to you again? Or do they periodically reach out to you (like in my circumstances, when they're bored etc.)? What do you think of my situation? Am I correct in recognizing that this friend doesn't give a honeysuckle about me? It sure feels like it.
Click to expand...

The friends I was thinking of were all mostly on a message board. I stopped posting there and dropped them all from Facebook. They did reach out. But they are the kinds of people that consider themselves "kind" so they had to to live with themselves.  One had a pre planned trip to my city and messaged me to see if I would show her around. However, notice the action. She wanted me to make her life easier. The only reason she would reach out to me. 

Some friends were at work and with them I pulled them off Facebook and started going to the cafeteria really early or really late so I wouldn't run into them. But still some of them were still so daff that they would come to my office and talk about their worries. I would have to just go "uh huh" until they left and hoped they would get the message. They did. 

Yes, your friend doesn't care. I don't know if you have ever seen the movie (or the book) "he is just not that into you". It is kind of good advice for friends too. Basically the thesis is, if people really want to be with you... they will be. Think about the people that you really enjoyed... would you let little things get in the way? Nope,, no you wouldn't. If it walks like a duck, smells like a duck, it is a duck. I vote you go with fade away.
 
The exception is someone with a lot of work or family obligations, etc, but yeah otherwise I've learnt this lesson.

People seem to sense it if you're the kind of person who's always reaching out, as if it marks you out as someone whom it's okay to treat as a friend of convenience.

Being the intiator all the time can also establish an expectation about who should continue to arrange meetups and so on. On top of that, some people are just used to having others keep up friendships for them, so it doesn't occur to initiate once the contact ceases. They might wonder what happened but it will never reach the point of sending a 'hey how's it going?' message.
 
Emily - Your comment: "The friends I was thinking of were all mostly on a message board. I stopped posting there and dropped them all from Facebook. They did reach out. But they are the kinds of people that consider themselves "kind" so they had to to live with themselves.  One had a pre planned trip to my city and messaged me to see if I would show her around. However, notice the action. She wanted me to make her life easier. The only reason she would reach out to me."

This may sound weird - but I'm proud of you for recognizing that! Reading your comment made me realize WHY my "friend" had contacted after 3-4 months of silence! She contacted me because she had a pregnancy scare and was stressed out and worried. She must have gone through her entire list of contacts and finally reached me (she said my text was at the bottom of her phone and she "missed" it). I didn't answer her out-of-the-blue text immediately (I was pissed), and she messaged me again after like 2 weeks passed saying she was worried about me.  
:rolleyes: 
I forgave and responded quickly (didn't want someone to worry about me). After I comforted her and invited her out she has not responded for 1 month. 

Ardour - Your comment: "The exception is someone with a lot of work or family obligations, etc, but yeah otherwise I've learnt this lesson."

I don't believe this to be true. I kept making excuses for others that they were too "busy" for me but funnily enough, they always had time for other people. Chances are, if someone was honestly that swamped to begin with, they wouldn't have even bothered with the effort of disguising themselves as a friend to me. I can attest to having extensive family, work, school obligations and all of my "friends" have commented how in shock that they are of my obligations in comparison to themselves. Yet they have 0 time for me indefinitely? How is it that I have time for them? The "I'm busy" excuse has been untrue for my "friends" because I've seen them actively posting on social media with weekly/ either other day outings or at social events with other people.

I have to keep telling reminding myself that they don't care about me and on their list of important people, I'm lower than the ground beneath them.

I read a great article about this:

You Aren’t Too Busy To Be A Friend, You’re Just A Bad Friend
https://thoughtcatalog.com/mekita-r...-busy-to-be-a-friend-youre-just-a-bad-friend/
 
Yeah I also dont really believe in that exception either.

We are all busy. When people want to be in your life they will be. Im busier than most of the people I hear the "busy" excuse from. Its an excuse thoughtless people rely on. It's a matter of priorities.

Just say you dont value the friendship enough to invest your time and energy into it so both parties can move on with their lives.

They may care about you like they care about any other random stranger, but you don't really hold any significance to people like that. You could be there or not. They are indifferent really.

Can you really call someone that wouldnt send a "Hey how is it going?" message after wondering about your absence a friend?

[Edit - yup. My post is pretty much covered by that article =p]
 
I think if someone has kids and has to timetable parental responsibilities, then that's a good enough reason for frienships to not be in the forefront of their minds. I would cut them some slack. Last time I arranged drinks with somone he could only make on a Tuesday night, every other night including Friday he was busy with after school events with his daughter while his wife worked. I wouldn't expect him to email me any time soon...
 
ardour said:
I think if someone has kids and has to timetable parental responsibilities, then that's a good enough reason for frienships to not be in the forefront of their minds. I would cut them some slack. Last time I arranged drinks with somone he could only make on a Tuesday night, every other night including Friday he was busy with after school events with his daughter while his wife worked. I wouldn't expect him to email me any time soon...
Click to expand...

I have a kid (another on the way)  and all of my friends do as well. The two friends that I do appreciate (and am cautiously optimistic about)... I rarely see them (maybe I've seen them twice this year) but they respond to my texts. It can take a week or two but they'll ask how I'm doing now and then. I'm not sure if they're lifelong friends but I don't have much faith in that anymore. I hope they are the exception.

The friend that I noted in my example to Emily... well, it's clear it hasn't to do with me needing to cut her some slack because she's meeting her other friends every week. The last time I saw her, she was on her phone the entire time texting other friends and did not pay much attention to what I had to say.

A different friend used the "busy" excuse and it has been almost 3 years since I last heard from her. By the way, she was out meeting people regularly and I was never invited to social group outings. I found out about the last part much later when I realized our friendship was ended.

I wish I never met them or put forth any effort in caring about them. I would rather be on my own than to have people who actually don't care about me using my time. As I said before, I'm busy and don't have time to invest in superficial friendships. I want deep, meaningful friendships. Honestly, if people who only want a superficial or filler friendship could simply avoid me to save me the heartache, I would be much happier. 

Just my experience.
 
It is true that if all the effort/initiative of communication is one-sided, it gets frustrating. And you just have to give up, go on with your life, and try to find new people into your life. Of course it could be a never-ending cycle. You could be stuck in the rut of looking for new people all your life.

I have been learning all my life that I shouldn't "hang onto" people, but just go on and go on by myself. Concentrate on things that REALLY remain with you, and are a genuine part of you. Like your hobbies, etc. People come and go, it is just a flow.
 
Outcast said:
I read a great article about this:

You Aren’t Too Busy To Be A Friend, You’re Just A Bad Friend
https://thoughtcatalog.com/mekita-r...-busy-to-be-a-friend-youre-just-a-bad-friend/
Click to expand...

^ good article

I worked sixty hours per week, attended two colleges, raised a child as a single parent, and upkept the house myself.

I still had time to send a 10 second text message.

Busyness is not an excuse to not give 10 seconds of one's time to reach out to a supposed friend or loved one.

I'm one of the busiest people I know, currently working 70 hours workweeks.
 
Outcast said:
 I didn't answer her out-of-the-blue text immediately (I was pissed), and she messaged me again after like 2 weeks passed saying she was worried about me.  
Click to expand...

Ha ha.. the old.. I am worried about you excuse.   I do have a good friend who absolutely is there for me, and everyone. She shows me the way. But she is too good a friend. Once people find out she is this way they all use her for their own purposes and I am left on the sidelines unable to compete for her time. I don't blame her.. I give her credit for being that way. But I am not going to contribute the sucking away of her time and efforts. 

Monday she will be at my workplace and this isn't her normal workplace so I usually get her some lunch and anything she needs when she is there. In return, she hangs out with me and listens to my complaining. Quid pro quo. 

If I say I need her -- she drops everything and I can't say I drop everything but I sure will try. This winter she called me at 11:35 on a Saturday (I was asleep) because she needed to talk and I talked until 2 AM.  (her parents house had a fire and her mom has cancer and is so weak that if her son hadn't been sleeping over her mom would have perished).
 
But if you don't chase after people, you will have nobody in your life. The key is to strike a balance between chasing after people vs not chasing anyone and give it 3 attempts.

Initiate hang-outs with people 3 times. If people keep finding excuses, stop asking them out in future.
Initiate conversations/texting with people 3 times. If people keep ignoring all your 3 texts, stop texting them in future.

If you can give it 3 tries, you will be able to deepen your connections with people and at the same time weed out the low-quality connections from the high-quality ones. The low-quality connections would eventually weed themselves out from their lack of effort.
 

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