I haven't posted in this forum in years. I first came here almost 4 years ago when I was at the lowest point of my life. Completely depressed, completely obsessed, and feeling hopeless to change it all. My best friends had ended our friendship. I had no will or desire to see anyone. I had my family's support which is emotionally very limited just by the nature of our personalities. But all areas of my life were in ruin. I felt incapable of ever making friends, getting a job, getting in better health(lifetime obesity), let alone the idea of meeting a girl.
I started going to therapy. It helped. Months later, I stopped being depressed. But I still had no confidence in ever meeting anyone, or doing anything productive, and spent all my time alone or with family. A year after being completely depressed to the point of being medicated, I started volunteering at a suicide hotline. I did that for over a year. Met some good people, but no real relationships formed. But it did start getting me out of the house.
I started working again. Nothing major. Managing real estate properties and dealing with tenant issues, and the legal requirements. It was not fulfilling, but it gave me daily purpose.
I had this idea of going to meetups but was too scared. The idea of presenting myself to strangers horrified me. I felt like they would see exactly what I see about myself. Which is to say I projected all my feelings of self hatred onto them. I mean if friends I knew for over 15 years thought my friendship wasn't worth keeping, what would people who don't even know me think? My personal therapist recommended I try group therapy. So about 8 months ago, I started going to a group therapy session once a week to go with my twice a week personal therapy.
The group is made up completely different everyday people who I would never have imagined had any problems. Investment bankers, to tech professional, education professionals, etc. Single, married, or divorced it didn't matter. Anyone can have problems. It started breaking down these stereotypes in my mind. Opened my eyes to reality. More than that, it gave me yet another place of support. People who encouraged me to do things, try things and cheered me on when I actually did.
After 3 1/2 years I finally went to a meetup. Just a regular board game meetup. Well, it was horrifying. For about 10 seconds. Then it was just fine. More than fine, it was fun. I kept going. I started going to more. I realized it's not scary to go out and meet people. I've become a regular at these weekly meetups. I've made familiar friendly acquaintances. This made me feel slightly less disconnected from the world. It gave me the confidence to start dieting. I started losing weight. Losing weight made me feel great. More confident in myself. More excited in the future. I've lost about 45 pounds in the last 3 months. Half of my goal. For the first time in my life, I actually believe nothing can stop me with regards to being a normal bmi person.
A few weeks ago I went to a meetup just as I've been doing for about 5 months. A lovely woman came up to me and we had a fun time. After a few hours, she had to go and we said bye. This has happened a few times, and I never see them again. But this time it was different. She messaged me a few hours later, saying what fun we had and how we should do it again. She invited me to hang out with some friends of hers. I wasn't scared at all. I said yes. In the last two weeks we've hung out a few times.
This past weekend, we went to a festival together with her friends. After, she invited me to go back to her apartment for poker night with her close friends. I actually spent the entire day surrounded by people. It was so much fun. During these past two weeks, I have expected to never see her again several times. I question every word I say and think about how dumb I am. How I made a fool of myself. How this is all a fluke, and will end any second.
But it hasn't. It has forced me to question all those negative thoughts. My confidence is by no means high but has never been higher. My optimism is not high but has never been higher. I've expected her to see "through me" about all the things I hate about myself, and she hasn't. Someone has actually sought out my company because they genuinely enjoy me being there. Which makes me think, that if one person can enjoy my company, so can another. I can actually do this.
Which is why I'm reflecting on how far I've come since first visiting here. It was by no means quick or easy. 4 years is a hell of a long time. But I used to think nothing would ever change even in 40 years. I mean I had this mindset as recent as 6 months ago. I went from impossible to change, to highly unlikely anything would change. Then it all started to change.
My advice to anyone reading this, is to try. There's a reason why they say the first step is the hardest. Because it is. So many people on this forum talk in absolutes of hopelessness that they don't even bother to try anymore. The only guarantee that nothing changes, is if we don't let it. When I said I volunteered at a suicide hotline I learned that the most common call to a suicide hotline isn't actually from suicidal people. It's from lonely people who just want to talk to someone. There were people who called so often they were well known. For example one woman, would call a few times a day, and talk about how lonely she is. How hard it is to meet people. But if you asked her what makes meeting people hard, she couldn't say. How has she tried to meet people? She hasn't. So she lives her life, like many of us do. Completely lonely, yet unwillingly to take the first step to change it. When I started she has been calling the hotline for over ten years, and I would guess she's still calling today.
Don't let yourself get stuck in that hole. The idea of trying is simple. The act is hard. But we are worth it.
I started going to therapy. It helped. Months later, I stopped being depressed. But I still had no confidence in ever meeting anyone, or doing anything productive, and spent all my time alone or with family. A year after being completely depressed to the point of being medicated, I started volunteering at a suicide hotline. I did that for over a year. Met some good people, but no real relationships formed. But it did start getting me out of the house.
I started working again. Nothing major. Managing real estate properties and dealing with tenant issues, and the legal requirements. It was not fulfilling, but it gave me daily purpose.
I had this idea of going to meetups but was too scared. The idea of presenting myself to strangers horrified me. I felt like they would see exactly what I see about myself. Which is to say I projected all my feelings of self hatred onto them. I mean if friends I knew for over 15 years thought my friendship wasn't worth keeping, what would people who don't even know me think? My personal therapist recommended I try group therapy. So about 8 months ago, I started going to a group therapy session once a week to go with my twice a week personal therapy.
The group is made up completely different everyday people who I would never have imagined had any problems. Investment bankers, to tech professional, education professionals, etc. Single, married, or divorced it didn't matter. Anyone can have problems. It started breaking down these stereotypes in my mind. Opened my eyes to reality. More than that, it gave me yet another place of support. People who encouraged me to do things, try things and cheered me on when I actually did.
After 3 1/2 years I finally went to a meetup. Just a regular board game meetup. Well, it was horrifying. For about 10 seconds. Then it was just fine. More than fine, it was fun. I kept going. I started going to more. I realized it's not scary to go out and meet people. I've become a regular at these weekly meetups. I've made familiar friendly acquaintances. This made me feel slightly less disconnected from the world. It gave me the confidence to start dieting. I started losing weight. Losing weight made me feel great. More confident in myself. More excited in the future. I've lost about 45 pounds in the last 3 months. Half of my goal. For the first time in my life, I actually believe nothing can stop me with regards to being a normal bmi person.
A few weeks ago I went to a meetup just as I've been doing for about 5 months. A lovely woman came up to me and we had a fun time. After a few hours, she had to go and we said bye. This has happened a few times, and I never see them again. But this time it was different. She messaged me a few hours later, saying what fun we had and how we should do it again. She invited me to hang out with some friends of hers. I wasn't scared at all. I said yes. In the last two weeks we've hung out a few times.
This past weekend, we went to a festival together with her friends. After, she invited me to go back to her apartment for poker night with her close friends. I actually spent the entire day surrounded by people. It was so much fun. During these past two weeks, I have expected to never see her again several times. I question every word I say and think about how dumb I am. How I made a fool of myself. How this is all a fluke, and will end any second.
But it hasn't. It has forced me to question all those negative thoughts. My confidence is by no means high but has never been higher. My optimism is not high but has never been higher. I've expected her to see "through me" about all the things I hate about myself, and she hasn't. Someone has actually sought out my company because they genuinely enjoy me being there. Which makes me think, that if one person can enjoy my company, so can another. I can actually do this.
Which is why I'm reflecting on how far I've come since first visiting here. It was by no means quick or easy. 4 years is a hell of a long time. But I used to think nothing would ever change even in 40 years. I mean I had this mindset as recent as 6 months ago. I went from impossible to change, to highly unlikely anything would change. Then it all started to change.
My advice to anyone reading this, is to try. There's a reason why they say the first step is the hardest. Because it is. So many people on this forum talk in absolutes of hopelessness that they don't even bother to try anymore. The only guarantee that nothing changes, is if we don't let it. When I said I volunteered at a suicide hotline I learned that the most common call to a suicide hotline isn't actually from suicidal people. It's from lonely people who just want to talk to someone. There were people who called so often they were well known. For example one woman, would call a few times a day, and talk about how lonely she is. How hard it is to meet people. But if you asked her what makes meeting people hard, she couldn't say. How has she tried to meet people? She hasn't. So she lives her life, like many of us do. Completely lonely, yet unwillingly to take the first step to change it. When I started she has been calling the hotline for over ten years, and I would guess she's still calling today.
Don't let yourself get stuck in that hole. The idea of trying is simple. The act is hard. But we are worth it.
