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Cutting ties with close family? (Dad)
#1
I could go on a long rant like I usually do but I've had two hours sleep, so I'll keep this one short.

My dad is emotionally abusive. He laughs at my mental health issues, mocks me to his friends. We don't get along in the slightest, I don't feel any love from him. His negativity is really started to effect me. I've never really cared about money, being buddhist since I was a teenager meant it's just never bothered me...until now because I just want to get away from him!

We grew up apart because he changed his mind about moving when I was born and my Mum had to basically raise me single handed.

If I explained everything he's done, you'd be wondering why I still talk to him anyway!

I recently moved in with him because job prospects are a lot better here, but I hate it here at times to be honest!

So I have a question, should I stop talking to him? I think it would be easier for me, and maybe help me get more confidence. But I don't know because he's old and god knows when he'll go! So I'm in a real dillemma here. Please any help? Especially if you've ever cut ties with a close family member! Thank you.
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#2
A long time ago, I was on very bad terms with my family. I'm happy I stuck by in the end.
If I could give you some advice, and it's really hard advice to give in that I don't know you or him or how you conduct yourselves with each other, but he needs to realize at some point that he has to care and act like a father, just like you need the nurturing quality of a man, I imagine, you respect and admire.
So talk to him. Specifically about uncomfortable subjects if need be. Including the fact that you're considering not speaking to him because of emotional abuse and that you are FAR from thinking it's a bad idea, as well as FAR from alone in thinking that would be a viable option. Maybe that'll get him thinking and make him a bit more sensitive.
It's all I can really give you right now.
I dont want to say either one or the other, because either can be bad, depending on the circumstances. But in the end, you're not a "punching bag"; you're a human being. It's your right to have a decent existence, which includes moral, mental and physical support.

Good luck man.
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#3
(07-26-2017, 06:00 AM)Richard_39 Wrote: A long time ago, I was on very bad terms with my family. I'm happy I stuck by in the end.
If I could give you some advice, and it's really hard advice to give in that I don't know you or him or how you conduct yourselves with each other, but he needs to realize at some point that he has to care and act like a father, just like you need the nurturing quality of a man, I imagine, you respect and admire.
So talk to him. Specifically about uncomfortable subjects if need be. Including the fact that you're considering not speaking to him because of emotional abuse and that you are FAR from thinking it's a bad idea, as well as FAR from alone in thinking that would be a viable option. Maybe that'll get him thinking and make him a bit more sensitive.
It's all I can really give you right now.
I dont want to say either one or the other, because either can be bad, depending on the circumstances. But in the end, you're not a "punching bag"; you're a human being. It's your right to have a decent existence, which includes moral, mental and physical support.

Good luck man.

That's actually really good advice mate! Thanks, it's nice to see you back!

I'm going to talk to him today about how I feel, this will probably be my last attempt to build some sort of relationship with him. It would kill me to never speak to him again because I do love him, after all he is my dad. But you're right I'm not a punching bag and lately I've realised he's a big reason why I have no confidence in life.

He's the reason I think no-one would want to be friends with me. He's the reason I'm so shy around girls because I always think they'll reject me. I wish I could block out some of the things he's said to me, but they usually come into my head whenever I don't want them too. If I'm speaking to a girl I like I can almost hear him laughing saying "She's out of your league, but hey you might be able to have some fun with her before she leaves you" and "You can't even look after yourself, how are you going to look after a girl as well?"

I've never known someone so critical and spiteful to their son. I was so jealous of my friends when they'd tell stories of how their dad built them a bike or gave them advice on a girl and it worked. My dad would have told me work and buy your own bike, and tell me that the girl I like I'd have no chance with. Without being physical, I feel like he's a bully.

So after today I might never speak to him again, or we'll have a better relationship than ever. That's down to him, I've tried my best to build a relationship with him so far. It's about time he does the same.

Again, thanks for the advice mate!
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#4
Hey Osiris.
I've actually cut ties with my own family a long time ago. I don't want to go into to much detail here, but the things you mention are way too familiar. I can't tell you, how much I wish parents understood just what an impact they have on their kids' self image, well being, happiness. Things that parents say and do cut through all defences, wound deeply, and stay for a long time.
It took me many, many years to actually pull the plug, and even once I have, many more years before I wasn't grieving about the loss, even though I still know that i am better off alone, than back there. I used to visit friends, and take breaks hiding in the bathroom, because watching them around their families was too much to bear, and i did not want anyone to see. To this day, it's not something that has healed completely, and i don't know if it ever will.

So - from my experience - I wholeheartedly agree with Richard. Doing something like this is incredibly difficult, and should only be a last resort, taken after every other option was exhausted. I hope that your dad will care enough to truly listen to you, and try to work on the way he treats you.
kestää.
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#5
I had a father til the age of three, or something. He hit the whole family, and I still remember some things. Mother was brave and strong enough to escape. I doubt all of my family would have been alive if not for her. Sometimes leaving is the right thing.

My bother had a rough patch in his teenage years, and I told mother I did not want him to be a part of the family. We get along better these days, and I'm really relieved and happy mother fought so hard to keep him. That was a case when keeping/staying may have been the right thing.

One thing many seem to miss in life is that blood bonds aren't chosen, and a parent, a sibling, a partner or a child can be a terrible, terrible person. If so, one has no "moral obligation" or "family responsibility" to hang around that one. My advice in this case would be to try to make him see his faults, or be silent and move away when you can.

(And to all that'd say a parent of each gender to look up to is good to have, I will simply say one is likely to take more mental damage from some kinds of parents, than from a good parent.)
Are you sure we're on the right way, Yoda?
Off course, we are.

The snow angel was imperfect but so is everyone. It was there, and that is what matters. Maybe someone would see it, and smile.
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