Am I The Bad Guy?

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Osiris

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I've just woken up, barely remember anything that happened yesterday... except me and my dad were supposed to talk... And now I feel like a massive *word removed* (excuse my language) I got so nervous knowing we were going to sit down and try to work things out (after a big arguement we had the other day)  I got drunk. And now I'm thinking... I'm the *******! I have a bad anxiety disorder that makes it hard for me to confront things, and I'm genuinely scared where me and my dad are supposed to go from here. He doesn't understand mental health issues at all so he just thinks I'm lazy. He can be emotionally abusive at times, he basically sacked me from the family buisness by shoving some money in my hand saying "now I'm just your dad, not your boss".I don't know what to do, I don't know what anyone's supposed to say to me really so I'll ask a question.

Does big mental health issues make up for being a bad son?

Thanks for reading..
 
I suppose that would depend on what the mental health issue is and what you are trying to use it as an excuse for. Even with a mental health issue, if you know you're being an *******, it's not really on the mental issue, is it?

I'm not saying you were an *******, I'm just using that as an example. What have you done to control your anxiety?
But in the end, your dad didn't fire you from being his son, just his employee. If you can't do the job, you shouldn't have the job, regardless whether your father owns it or not.

If you want to be part of the business, maybe you could think of something to do for it that won't matter if you have anxiety. Maybe cleanup after they close or something.
 
It's important not to catastrophize. People will make mistakes. I don't have the answers to all things. But I do know - the more you run from confrontation, the more you will fear it and be haunted by it.
 
Osiris, please don't use that word at all, even "censoring" it. We have and have had many members who take offense to it and any slang feminine body part used in a derogatory way like that, even when not directed towards women. Thanks.
 
Sci-Fi said:
Osiris, please don't use that word at all, even "censoring" it.  We have and have had many members who take offense to it and any slang feminine body part used in a derogatory way like that, even when not directed towards women.   Thanks.

Sorry but first of all, it's not a derogatory term. I wouldn't have used it otherwise. It's just a harsher word for that particular part of the female anatomy. If you took offense to the word I used to refer to myself, I'm sorry....but you are being slightly oversensitive.

Second, serious question. Why would it be more of an issue if it was directed at a woman instead of a man? Sounds pretty sexist to me...


TheRealCallie said:
I suppose that would depend on what the mental health issue is and what you are trying to use it as an excuse for.  Even with a mental health issue, if you know you're being an *******, it's not really on the mental issue, is it?

I'm not saying you were an *******, I'm just using that as an example.  What have you done to control your anxiety?  
But in the end, your dad didn't fire you from being his son, just his employee.  If you can't do the job, you shouldn't have the job, regardless whether your father owns it or not.  

If you want to be part of the business, maybe you could think of something to do for it that won't matter if you have anxiety.   Maybe cleanup after they close or something.

That's the problem, I feel like he has fired me from being his son. Now we don't see eachother at all because he's always at work. This job was my dream, I messed up one day after everything got on top of me and he sacked me. He knew I had problems before I started and he told me "Don't worry, I'm your father. Better it be me than someone who will fire you the second you mess up" and that's exactly what he did. So I feel like he's sacked me from being his son, and I really don't know what to do.
 
Osiris
Does big mental health issues make up for being a bad son?


Alright, I'll try to answer both questions, but you won't like my reply, probably. Sorry in advance, but I call it like I see it.
First off, we have to take your word for it you're a "bad son". Judging from the last few threads I saw from you, which went from elation at the thought of working with your father several months ago, to panic to even talk to him now, there is absolutely NOTHING for me to judge about you being either a good son or a bad son. Besides which, as a father myself, I feel the concept is totally idiotic. You ARE a son. Good or bad are qualities given by others based on their own judgement, which changes totally depending on who's looking. In the case that concerns us, you have NO IDEA if you're a good or bad son in the eyes of your father, for the simple reason that you didn't talk to him. You avoid him, you avoid serious conversations or issues with him (without knowing for sure, I'm starting off on the assumption this isn't the first time you've kept it bottled in instead of having a discussion on the subject with him). So you can't assume to know what he things or how he feels about you. For all you know, you're the best son in the world if not a little whiney and he thinks everything is fine and dandy, just like he was with his OWN father when he was a kid. Only way you CAN find out is sitting down with him and the longer you put it off, the more you'll work yourself into a frenzy. Get it over with. Attack the problem. Once you know what's in front of view, it's easier to solve it, or fight it. That's One.

Second, there "mental problems" and then there's hiding behind them. It's no secret most people have problems one way or another and you're not the first, nor the only person, who's going to consult a psychologist on the matter. How you deal with them however, is something else. A personal friend of mine, a long time ago, was an actual crazy man WITH mental problems. The inherent difference being, for most people, "psychological issues" are self-made. They stem from our thoughts, our behaviors and how we deal with them. Those issues are inherently self-caused and even though medication might offer assistance, are inherently self-solved. Usually over long periods of times. In my friend's case, however, they were biological. He was, legitimately, what you'd call a "nut". He was bioscanned and his brain literally had abnormalities where certain nerves did not connect with each other the way ours do. One of the most intelligent persons I've ever known, as well, however, no amount of medication will ever cure him. Maybe a brain surgery, but we're not advanced enough to do it yet, apparently.
My point in mentionning this being that he cannot solve his issues and has to learn to live with them; you can. You have a choice. You can either hide behind them as you seem to do and always do the same pattern while hoping for different results, or you can change things and see what happens. Which is why I suggested throwing everything out in the open in the first place. Maybe the response will not be positive; maybe it will be. But it's easier to deal with what you know than dealing with what you don't. If you want to resolve, one way or another, the situation with your father, you WILL need to confront him, might be now, might be 20 years from now. I'd suggest earlier, considering how it turmoils you, I doubt you'll have fun feeling like this 20 years....
So, psychological problems notwithstanding,you have a choice to make. I personally would suggest confronting, but that's me. That's how I resolve my own issues, I tackle them head on. You don't need to follow my advice, or anyone else's.

Finally, are you the bad guy? That's for you to say. If you do want my opinion, as is suggested by the title, I'll give it to you; yes. Not in the sense you're a BAD GUY; but you're the one having these issues and instead of confirming wether or not you're correct in your assumptions, you flee and toss more oil into the first. You got drunk and you're here saying again your father doesn't understand; you haven't even tried to know if he'll take this seriously or not. You're assuming again he won't. Or that he'll dismiss it. Or that you're a bad son.
Instead, you're hiding, and right now you're saying it's his fault. I'm sorry, it's not. He's not hiding right now. Oh, sure, he might be insensitive, he might be a real jerk for all I know, I do NOT know however, because I don't know either of you and we know only what you tell us of how he reacts. However, since you're in the situation, necessarily, your vision is clouded. So assuming in advance someone "He doesn't understand mental health issues at all so he just thinks I'm lazy" in your own words, without having an actual serious one on one sit down with him exposing how you feel and what you think, doesn't make you the good guy.

After all this is said and done, however, depending on what he'll reply, you'll then have another choice to make; if he DOES prove to be uninterested, insensitive or misunderstanding, if he doesn't care, if he does think you're lazy or a bad son, well you have the option to not stand for it; he's your father, but he's not your God. You are, I assume, a grown man, not a 4 year old. You can make your own choices, which include wether you want to see him or not.

However, again, as long as you put it off, you're kind of talking through your hat.
Anyways, I hope this doesn't come out as too harsh, because it's not designed to. It's designed to make you reflect, both on the situation and on yourself. I find that when we don't look in the miror often enough, we end up thinking we're always right. We're not. I always assume I'm WRONG. Which always saddens me when I turn out to be right. It also humbles me enough to be able to really reflect on what others have to say. I suggest you try the same, my friend.

Good luck.
 
Osiris said:
TheRealCallie said:
I suppose that would depend on what the mental health issue is and what you are trying to use it as an excuse for.  Even with a mental health issue, if you know you're being an *******, it's not really on the mental issue, is it?

I'm not saying you were an *******, I'm just using that as an example.  What have you done to control your anxiety?  
But in the end, your dad didn't fire you from being his son, just his employee.  If you can't do the job, you shouldn't have the job, regardless whether your father owns it or not.  

If you want to be part of the business, maybe you could think of something to do for it that won't matter if you have anxiety.   Maybe cleanup after they close or something.

That's the problem, I feel like he has fired me from being his son. Now we don't see eachother at all because he's always at work. This job was my dream, I messed up one day after everything got on top of me and he sacked me. He knew I had problems before I started and he told me "Don't worry, I'm your father. Better it be me than someone who will fire you the second you mess up" and that's exactly what he did. So I feel like he's sacked me from being his son, and I really don't know what to do.

If I'm not mistaken, this is not the first time there have been issues at the restaurant.  Maybe I'm wrong there, but I recall there being other mentions of issues at work. 

Because of the fact that he specified he is NOT firing you as a son, that means he's not.  A lot of people work so that others don't see them often, so you can't really use that as an argument.  I'm sure your father will make some time for you when he's not working. 

But, as I said, if you want to be a part of the restaurant, either work on your anxiety issues....btw, you didn't mention what the issue was that got you fired....so that he can see you are better....and again, whether you're his son or not, if you can't do the job, you shouldn't be doing the job....or figure out something you can do that won't cause issues. 
You have to understand that this is a business, whether your father owns it or not, it has to work to be profitable for it to work.  A family member shouldn't have special privileges just because of blood.
 
TheRealCallie said:
Osiris said:
TheRealCallie said:
I suppose that would depend on what the mental health issue is and what you are trying to use it as an excuse for.  Even with a mental health issue, if you know you're being an *******, it's not really on the mental issue, is it?

I'm not saying you were an *******, I'm just using that as an example.  What have you done to control your anxiety?  
But in the end, your dad didn't fire you from being his son, just his employee.  If you can't do the job, you shouldn't have the job, regardless whether your father owns it or not.  

If you want to be part of the business, maybe you could think of something to do for it that won't matter if you have anxiety.   Maybe cleanup after they close or something.

That's the problem, I feel like he has fired me from being his son. Now we don't see eachother at all because he's always at work. This job was my dream, I messed up one day after everything got on top of me and he sacked me. He knew I had problems before I started and he told me "Don't worry, I'm your father. Better it be me than someone who will fire you the second you mess up" and that's exactly what he did. So I feel like he's sacked me from being his son, and I really don't know what to do.

If I'm not mistaken, this is not the first time there have been issues at the restaurant.  Maybe I'm wrong there, but I recall there being other mentions of issues at work. 

Because of the fact that he specified he is NOT firing you as a son, that means he's not.  A lot of people work so that others don't see them often, so you can't really use that as an argument.  I'm sure your father will make some time for you when he's not working. 

But, as I said, if you want to be a part of the restaurant, either work on your anxiety issues....btw, you didn't mention what the issue was that got you fired....so that he can see you are better....and again, whether you're his son or not, if you can't do the job, you shouldn't be doing the job....or figure out something you can do that won't cause issues. 
You have to understand that this is a business, whether your father owns it or not, it has to work to be profitable for it to work.  A family member shouldn't have special privileges just because of blood.

It was depression. Last year I was in therapy for it and I thought I was over it...but it's depression so obviously it's not something that ever goes away. I couldn't get up that day, if you don't have depression this'll be hard to understand but I had absolutely no energy. I was shaking from anxiety, I was a mess. This was just one day, if it had happened over and over again I would understand but it was one day!

And when it comes to work, I'd say I'm one of the best at what I do. My dad has zero tolerance yet he hasn't complained about my work ethic once. Everyone compliments me on how hard I work. But depression isn't something you can just fight through. I mean I was genuinely close to killing myself that night, then the next morning to wake up to my dad shouting at me because I wasn't ready (I understand why he was angry) but it just made me feel worse. And not once did he ask why, he just thinks I'm lazy because he doesn't understand depression.

Working with him in a restaurant had been my dream since I was a kid, and he knows that. So to know I've tried my best and that wasn't good enough...I don't know. I think I'm nearly done with life now, what's the point anymore. If I can't even do my perfect job, what can I do?
 
Richard_39 said:
Osiris
   Does big mental health issues make up for being a bad son?


Alright, I'll try to answer both questions, but you won't like my reply, probably. Sorry in advance, but I call it like I see it.
First off, we have to take your word for it you're a "bad son". Judging from the last few threads I saw from you, which went from elation at the thought of working with your father several months ago, to panic to even talk to him now, there is absolutely NOTHING for me to judge about you being either a good son or a bad son. Besides which, as a father myself, I feel the concept is totally idiotic. You ARE a son. Good or bad are qualities given by others based on their own judgement, which changes totally depending on who's looking. In the case that concerns us, you have NO IDEA if you're a good or bad son in the eyes of your father, for the simple reason that you didn't talk to him. You avoid him, you avoid serious conversations or issues with him (without knowing for sure, I'm starting off on the assumption this isn't the first time you've kept it bottled in instead of having a discussion on the subject with him). So you can't assume to know what he things or how he feels about you. For all you know, you're the best son in the world if not a little whiney and he thinks everything is fine and dandy, just like he was with his OWN father when he was a kid. Only way you CAN find out is sitting down with him and the longer you put it off, the more you'll work yourself into a frenzy. Get it over with. Attack the problem. Once you know what's in front of view, it's easier to solve it, or fight it. That's One.

Second, there "mental problems" and then there's hiding behind them. It's no secret most people have problems one way or another and you're not the first, nor the only person, who's going to consult a psychologist on the matter. How you deal with them however, is something else. A personal friend of mine, a long time ago, was an actual crazy man WITH mental problems. The inherent difference being, for most people, "psychological issues" are self-made. They stem from our thoughts, our behaviors and how we deal with them. Those issues are inherently self-caused and even though medication might offer assistance, are inherently self-solved. Usually over long periods of times. In my friend's case, however, they were biological. He was, legitimately, what you'd call a "nut". He was bioscanned and his brain literally had abnormalities where certain nerves did not connect with each other the way ours do. One of the most intelligent persons I've ever known, as well, however, no amount of medication will ever cure him. Maybe a brain surgery, but we're not advanced enough to do it yet, apparently.
My point in mentionning this being that he cannot solve his issues and has to learn to live with them; you can. You have a choice. You can either hide behind them as you seem to do and always do the same pattern while hoping for different results, or you can change things and see what happens. Which is why I suggested throwing everything out in the open in the first place. Maybe the response will not be positive; maybe it will be. But it's easier to deal with what you know than dealing with what you don't. If you want to resolve, one way or another, the situation with your father, you WILL need to confront him, might be now, might be 20 years from now. I'd suggest earlier, considering how it turmoils you, I doubt you'll have fun feeling like this 20 years....
So, psychological problems notwithstanding,you have a choice to make. I personally would suggest confronting, but that's me. That's how I resolve my own issues, I tackle them head on. You don't need to follow my advice, or anyone else's.

Finally, are you the bad guy? That's for you to say. If you do want my opinion, as is suggested by the title, I'll give it to you; yes. Not in the sense you're a BAD GUY; but you're the one having these issues and instead of confirming wether or not you're correct in your assumptions, you flee and toss more oil into the first. You got drunk and you're here saying again your father doesn't understand; you haven't even tried to know if he'll take this seriously or not. You're assuming again he won't. Or that he'll dismiss it. Or that you're a bad son.
Instead, you're hiding, and right now you're saying it's his fault. I'm sorry, it's not. He's not hiding right now. Oh, sure, he might be insensitive, he might be a real jerk for all I know, I do NOT know however, because I don't know either of you and we know only what you tell us of how he reacts. However, since you're in the situation, necessarily, your vision is clouded. So assuming in advance someone "He doesn't understand mental health issues at all so he just thinks I'm lazy" in your own words, without having an actual serious one on one sit down with him exposing how you feel and what you think, doesn't make you the good guy.

After all this is said and done, however, depending on what he'll reply, you'll then have another choice to make; if he DOES prove to be uninterested, insensitive or misunderstanding, if he doesn't care, if he does think you're lazy or a bad son, well you have the option to not stand for it; he's your father, but he's not your God. You are, I assume, a grown man, not a 4 year old. You can make your own choices, which include wether you want to see him or not.

However, again, as long as you put it off, you're kind of talking through your hat.
Anyways, I hope this doesn't come out as too harsh, because it's not designed to. It's designed to make you reflect, both on the situation and on yourself. I find that when we don't look in the miror often enough, we end up thinking we're always right. We're not. I always assume I'm WRONG. Which always saddens me when I turn out to be right. It also humbles me enough to be able to really reflect on what others have to say. I suggest you try the same, my friend.

Good luck.

No, it didn't come across as too harsh. Maybe saying I'm a bad person just because I have mental issues was a little harsh but I didn't post this thread wanting people to kiss my ass. I'm far from hiding behind my problems, my sister always tells me I don't tell them anything. Which is my fault, I don't like people thinking my problems make me weak (Which at times it does, but not everyday). But my dad's exactly the same as me, he doesn't like talking about anything and avoids it. We're almost too similar at times. The problem is though he thinks people with mental health problems are stupid, yeah I know how horrible that sounds but it's true. He said to me a week ago when I was trying to explain my anxiety to him, his exact words were "I don't know why you have these problems you know? You're not silly, you're not stupid so I struggle to understand" so I'm not assuming what he thinks. I already know he doesn't understand because he's told me. I love him and I'm trying to build a better relationship with him but sometimes it seems like he'd rather not. Everyone says he loves me and speaks highly of me when I'm not around, but to me, he constantly critises me and puts me down. The thing is I do always think I'm wrong, but this is the first time people have told me I'm being the bigger person. So I know I'm not doing anything wrong and meaning too. I know I'm a good person, but with this depression and anxiety I feel it makes me a bad son. In MY opinion.
 
Osiris said:
No, it didn't come across as too harsh. Maybe saying I'm a bad person just because I have mental issues was a little harsh but I didn't post this thread wanting people to kiss my ass. I'm far from hiding behind my problems, my sister always tells me I don't tell them anything. Which is my fault, I don't like people thinking my problems make me weak (Which at times it does, but not everyday). But my dad's exactly the same as me, he doesn't like talking about anything and avoids it. We're almost too similar at times. The problem is though he thinks people with mental health problems are stupid, yeah I know how horrible that sounds but it's true. He said to me a week ago when I was trying to explain my anxiety to him, his exact words were "I don't know why you have these problems you know? You're not silly, you're not stupid so I struggle to understand" so I'm not assuming what he thinks. I already know he doesn't understand because he's told me. I love him and I'm trying to build a better relationship with him but sometimes it seems like he'd rather not. Everyone says he loves me and speaks highly of me when I'm not around, but to me, he constantly critises me and puts me down. The thing is I do always think I'm wrong, but this is the first time people have told me I'm being the bigger person. So I know I'm not doing anything wrong and meaning too. I know I'm a good person, but with this depression and anxiety I feel it makes me a bad son. In MY opinion.

Alright, cool lol.
Let me give you some "fatherly advice" lol. I can do that, I am one. That's one place I think I know my honeysuckle.
EVERY parent who's self respecting does this. You're dad's probably like a lot of dad's around, myself included; he wants you to be the best. He wants to raise Superman. Of course, sometimes we're dumb and clueless. He probably doesn't realize he's berating you or criticizing you and that you feel it's negative; he's doing it so you'll listen and improve yourself. In his mind, he's doing it for you. To make you better. To help you. Hell, I get my daughters score cards and I'm like "85 in math? What happened?" I'm not doing it for me. What do I care if she gets 50 lol. I'm doing it for her. She has dreams, she has hopes, she wants to be something, I'm pushing her to be the best. To not want to settle for less than perfection. So, me being a moron sometimes, she needs to reel me in. "I like 85, that's a good score". End of story. I don't push.
That's something you can tell your father. "Cut me some slack". If you start with "I know you're trying to help me, and I appreciate it, BUT...." and then tell him it makes you feel like a bad son (in more diplomatic words, of course), he's liable to realize he's pushing too hard. And he won't see it as you criticizing him. Might be an approach you want to take. You're the boss in this. Of course, it's really hard for me to say all this without knowing either of you well. It's hypothesis, so it's up to you to call the shots. But try and think outside the box.

"saying I'm a bad person just because I have mental issues was a little harsh"
AHAHAH! I'll stop you right there, that is NOT what I said. I don't know if you're a bad person or not, I don't know you; for all I know you might be the chillest guy in the world. Beats me, you're a couple of countries away lol.
What I did say, however, is that always saying "mental issues" every time something bad comes along as the reason you can't do something, doesn't make you the good guy of this story. Anyway, that's kind of a stupid analogy altogether, this ain't the wild west; there are no good guys or bad guys when it comes to father-son relationships. Wether you're convinced of it or not, it isn't a contest and your dad wants you and him to work out as much as you do, else he never would have showed up in your life again. Let me tell you a bit how I delt with my depression. Maybe it'll help you out.

"if you don't have depression this'll be hard to understand but I had absolutely no energy"
I have. I know exactly what you mean.
Because of that I can tell you;
"But depression isn't something you can just fight through"
It is. In fact, it's the only way to overcome it. Every day is a struggle. But if you let it get worse, it'll kill you. Everyday is an exercise in concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. Then, 1 day, 1 week, 1 month, 1 year later, you realize you've been jogging for 15 minutes. And you were talking about that gym muscled body you wanted to get, well, that requires energy and if you're going to the gym, fair bet you got enough to spend some.


But as long as you let it control you, instead of trying to control IT, it'll only get worse.
I've been through 2 shrinks, including one who prescribed me those anti-depression (In my case it was Zolofts) medication. I got so down and so lacking in energy, not to mention wanting to kill myself, I tossed the lot after two months. I started eating right, excercising, as well as barelling through problems head on instead of keeping it inside. It was a drastic, violent change for me, because I've always been quiet and would take upon me, even when I was a kid with all the gang crap.
That helped me. I changed the situation in a way to get different outcomes, instead of expecting different results by doing the same things.
Depression is no different. Lots of people hide behind it and use it as an excuse. Of course, everyone is different, it hits others harder than some, but in the end, you're the only one who's going to pull yourself through. My solution was to treat it like the enemy. I killed it. It was a monster in my life and I was raised to believe that monsters need to be destroyed. With all I'm going through these days, people ask me how come I'm not suicidally depressive yet. I explain that I can't really afford the time to be on depression and it's **** true. I have responsibilities. I'm barely standing sometimes, but I'm a warrior.
Warriors fight.
If you think you're not good enough, BE better. Will yourself. Your will is stronger than anything else on this planet. You'll realize this when you force your body to follow what your mind tells it to do. Suicide? Waste of time. You got honeysuckle to do, son. Go do it. Your dad doesn't think you're cut for it? Prove him wrong and in 5 years, shove it down his throat.

Anyways, that was how I dealt with it. Just know that it won't get better by itself, you have to do something about it. Takes time, but like any foe, it can be defeated. And if you KNOW you're a good person, then why the hell listen to the voice that says you're a bad son? You know it's the depression talking, don't listen to it, man lol.

Maybe you are the bigger person. I don't know. Like I said, don't know either of you. That's for you to say. If there's anything of value in anything I've written, it's up to you to take some, all or none of it and do of it as you see fit. Boom. That's it ;-)

Anyway, take care bro.
 
Osiris said:
TheRealCallie said:
Osiris said:
TheRealCallie said:
I suppose that would depend on what the mental health issue is and what you are trying to use it as an excuse for.  Even with a mental health issue, if you know you're being an *******, it's not really on the mental issue, is it?

I'm not saying you were an *******, I'm just using that as an example.  What have you done to control your anxiety?  
But in the end, your dad didn't fire you from being his son, just his employee.  If you can't do the job, you shouldn't have the job, regardless whether your father owns it or not.  

If you want to be part of the business, maybe you could think of something to do for it that won't matter if you have anxiety.   Maybe cleanup after they close or something.

That's the problem, I feel like he has fired me from being his son. Now we don't see eachother at all because he's always at work. This job was my dream, I messed up one day after everything got on top of me and he sacked me. He knew I had problems before I started and he told me "Don't worry, I'm your father. Better it be me than someone who will fire you the second you mess up" and that's exactly what he did. So I feel like he's sacked me from being his son, and I really don't know what to do.

If I'm not mistaken, this is not the first time there have been issues at the restaurant.  Maybe I'm wrong there, but I recall there being other mentions of issues at work. 

Because of the fact that he specified he is NOT firing you as a son, that means he's not.  A lot of people work so that others don't see them often, so you can't really use that as an argument.  I'm sure your father will make some time for you when he's not working. 

But, as I said, if you want to be a part of the restaurant, either work on your anxiety issues....btw, you didn't mention what the issue was that got you fired....so that he can see you are better....and again, whether you're his son or not, if you can't do the job, you shouldn't be doing the job....or figure out something you can do that won't cause issues. 
You have to understand that this is a business, whether your father owns it or not, it has to work to be profitable for it to work.  A family member shouldn't have special privileges just because of blood.

It was depression. Last year I was in therapy for it and I thought I was over it...but it's depression so obviously it's not something that ever goes away. I couldn't get up that day, if you don't have depression this'll be hard to understand but I had absolutely no energy. I was shaking from anxiety, I was a mess. This was just one day, if it had happened over and over again I would understand but it was one day!

And when it comes to work, I'd say I'm one of the best at what I do. My dad has zero tolerance yet he hasn't complained about my work ethic once. Everyone compliments me on how hard I work. But depression isn't something you can just fight through. I mean I was genuinely close to killing myself that night, then the next morning to wake up to my dad shouting at me because I wasn't ready (I understand why he was angry) but it just made me feel worse. And not once did he ask why, he just thinks I'm lazy because he doesn't understand depression.

Working with him in a restaurant had been my dream since I was a kid, and he knows that. So to know I've tried my best and that wasn't good enough...I don't know. I think I'm nearly done with life now, what's the point anymore. If I can't even do my perfect job, what can I do?

Um, sorry, but depression IS something you can fight through.  Saying you can't is an excuse.  FORCE yourself to do what you have to do or just simply get out of bed.   Staying in it will only make it worse.  And yes, I have dealt with severe depression before, so I'm not talking out of my ass here.  

Have you tried talking to him about it?  But as I said, you can either fight the depression or you can find something else to do that won't harm the profitable side of the business.
 
TheRealCallie said:
Um, sorry, but depression IS something you can fight through.  Saying you can't is an excuse.  FORCE yourself to do what you have to do or just simply get out of bed.   Staying in it will only make it worse.  And yes, I have dealt with severe depression before, so I'm not talking out of my ass here.  

This is extremely ignorant. I haven't read anything from this thread yet, but this is very, very ignorant.
 
Crikey. For people who admit they don't know enough about the situation, they sure as hell have a lot to say. There are plenty of people who are either too busy, or have no inclination to empathize with others (in this thread for example...) His father might be one of such person. For all we know he might be an over-judgmental, overbearing, callous sort of guy who's assumed his son is making it up,
Maybe your father isn't the person you should be talking to right now. Maybe it's better to get assessed by a psychiatrist first before focusing on mending the relationship with him and finding another job. That's the only advice I have.
 
DarkSelene said:
TheRealCallie said:
Um, sorry, but depression IS something you can fight through.  Saying you can't is an excuse.  FORCE yourself to do what you have to do or just simply get out of bed.   Staying in it will only make it worse.  And yes, I have dealt with severe depression before, so I'm not talking out of my ass here.  

This is extremely ignorant. I haven't read anything from this thread yet, but this is very, very ignorant.

Which part? 
That depression can be fought?  It can.  Can't implies you are physically and mentally unable.  I'm sorry, but there are only a few can'ts in this life and that's not really one of them, IMO.  Is it lazy...no, I don't think so.  I think it's more fear.  

That it's an excuse?  It is, whether it is a good excuse or not doesn't matter, it's still an excuse.  The more you make excuses for something, the more you are justifying it to yourself, making you less likely to work at changing it or making it better.   It happened, it's over, accept it and move on to the next hour or day.  Try again next time.

Staying in bed will only make it worse?  Well, I'm not sure anyone will dispute that, but just in case, I'll explain this one too.  Wallowing in your own misery, not getting up and doing what you need to do, whether it be work or some other circumstance will only make you worse.  Why, you ask....well, because all you're going to do is sit there and cry or think or whatever else sending you more into depression/anxiety than you were before.  However, if you get up, if you do what you need to do, you won't be thinking so much, you will be on your feet, getting some exercise, no matter how small, you will accomplish something, making you feel better at the end of the day

Call me a ***** or ignorant all you want, but I have an opinion too and I can give it just like you can.  You don't have to agree with me, but just because it's not going to be the so popular statement here, doesn't mean it's ignorant.


And to the other post, it's his dad's business, if the job isn't getting done for whatever reason, which the OP has admitted in several threads that it hasn't been on a few occasions, why shouldn't he be let go?  And if I'm not mistaken, I gave advice several times on how to get back into the business, which was ignored every time I said it.
 
Osiris said:
I've just woken up, barely remember anything that happened yesterday... except me and my dad were supposed to talk... And now I feel like a massive *word removed* (excuse my language) I got so nervous knowing we were going to sit down and try to work things out (after a big arguement we had the other day)  I got drunk. And now I'm thinking... I'm the *******! I have a bad anxiety disorder that makes it hard for me to confront things, and I'm genuinely scared where me and my dad are supposed to go from here. He doesn't understand mental health issues at all so he just thinks I'm lazy. He can be emotionally abusive at times, he basically sacked me from the family buisness by shoving some money in my hand saying "now I'm just your dad, not your boss".I don't know what to do, I don't know what anyone's supposed to say to me really so I'll ask a question.

Does big mental health issues make up for being a bad son?

Thanks for reading..

Go to counselling with your father, or a Psychologist, or whatever... But do it together.

I've had HUGE issues with my father throughout my teen years, into my early and mid 20's and he always assumed that I was the problem. For years, anytime we got into a serious fight, he would send me to counselling or a psychologist on my own, they would talk things out and never really get to the crux of the problem.
I used to work with him when I was younger too, we used to have HUGE conflict with each other in the work place, we rubbed each other the wrong way and because we lived at home together, that would stretch into our home lives and make EVERYTHING a living nightmare.

Kudos to him however, for going to a psychologist and getting us in for family sessions. Now that me and him are going together, our relationship has improved a great deal. We're both seeing the psychologist seperately, but he's starting to understand me a little bit better. He always used to assume that my depression was something that I could just kick myself out of, and he always used to assume that my social anxiety was an excuse that I made to not want to go out.
It took us seeing someone seperately and then coming together and seeing her together for us to both understand that we were BOTH in the wrong. He used to assume it was always me, I used to assume it was always him... In reality, it was both of us making it difficult for each other.

It's been incredibly helpful in mending our relationship, and we still have an incredibly long way to go, but if your dad is anything like mine, it's going to take talking to a professional for him to understand, and in doing so, you will also be able to understand a little bit about him and how he operates.

So having mental health issues, or whatever else doesn't need to make up for anything if you guys just work together to fix it, and use a professional who can tell you what you're BOTH doing wrong, and help improve BOTH of you so that you can walk a brighter path.
 
TheRealCallie said:
Which part?

Anyone with even superficial grasp on what severe depression could do to someone wouldn't comment as if it's one's fault they have a mental illness because they haven't pushed through it. Anyone with the slightest sense of responsibility wouldn't say, to someone that just mentioned they were feeling suicidal, that they fail in pushing through their depression because they didn't come out of bed.

Your statement comes down to your personal opinion yet you're arrogant enough to defend it as if it was an objective truth.
 
DarkSelene said:
Anyone with even superficial grasp on what severe depression could do to someone wouldn't comment as if it's one's fault they have a mental illness because they haven't pushed through it. Anyone with the slightest sense of responsibility wouldn't say, to someone that just mentioned they were feeling suicidal, that they fail in pushing through their depression because they didn't come out of bed.

Your statement comes down to your personal opinion yet you're arrogant enough to defend it as if it was an objective truth.

I'm arrogant, yet it's not me who is saying my post says something that it does not.
 
Please show me where I said it was HIS fault he is depressed.  Please show me where I said HE has failed?  I didn't state either one of those and I don't believe either one of those. 

You know what else I didn't say in my post?  That it's EASY to overcome.  Never have said that, never will say that, because it's NOT.  I also didn't say it would happen overnight.  It's a struggle and you will fall many times before you get up, but depression CAN be fought.
 
Please don't argue with each other. Personal views on anything aside, bickering doesn't really help the topic at hand.
 
Lack of empathy wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't paired with preaching about superiority and righteousness, consequently bringing harm to those who fail meeting the standards - in this case the standards put by a personal argument disregarding so many actual facts. You're adding to the stigma of a mental illness if even figuratively you put the responsibility of getting better solely on a depressed person's hands. I've seen people put a gun in their mouth and pull the trigger for less than "it's an excuse", you don't only lack compassion but simple understanding of what depression can actually do.

This was the last of my bickering.
 
It is bickering whether you agree with that or not. Going back and forth with a member you quite clearly don't agree with. That warning was to you both equally. There's no point in hounding someone who just isn't going to agree with you. Let it go and move on.
 
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