List of reasons for rejection

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

SilentLife

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2017
Messages
88
Reaction score
0
Okay, I try to think of as many 'reasons of rejections' I have got throughout years. Often it is hard to get them, because you are rarely given good (or any) feedback, or I have felt so hurt I couldn't ask anything more.

But well, that's what has been from different women:
- "You wouldn't be able to handle me"
- "You are kind of weirdo"
- "Our lifestyles are too different"
- "There is nothing to talk about with you"
- "We have no common interests"
- "I am not interested in a relationship"
- "I don't know you well enough"
- "I'm sorry, but I have no such feelings about you"
- "I have actually fallen in love with another man and dream of being with him"
- "I don't want to deal with you any more"
- "You are too different"

In addition there have been cases in which a person completely disappears and doesn't answer to phone or messages, so that's like completely random.

Soo... That's the game of how many different reasons can you get!

Anyway, dear loners. Which is your list of reasons for rejection? And what have you learnt from it?
 
The only thing I hear when I'm rejected is "no," regardless of the words that actually come out of their mouth. In the end, that's all that really matters. The reasons behind it doesn't matter, IMO.

As far as the reason I give when I reject someone, it's generally always the same lately. I don't date. I'm not looking, I don't want to, I have more important things to focus on. It's the truth and if someone doesn't want to accept that as the truth, it's on them.
 
I never tried to remember. I must have at least 30 more.
Why concentrate on the negatives? I concentrate on the beautiful girl in front of me LOL
 
"You wouldn't be able to handle me" jumps out. I've gotten something similar before. I have to say, it makes me want to ask the girl what is wrong with her that she needs to be handled, and why can't she handle her own **** self like the rest of us are expected to?

It's just one more thing that make me feel like it all comes back to social status, backed by social connections and the power to hurt or humiliate others into submission. If you have social status the world is your oyster, your wish is life's command, and everyone will make excuses for your faults all day and night. You are not expected or demanded to self-improve in any way. But if you don't have the connections, status, and power, it feels like you live at the bottom of a toilet bowl, and any time you might try to climb out, people want to kick you back in because they don't want the social order to be upset, and they also feel safe in pushing someone who they feel can't push back.

"Our lifestyles are too different", "you are too different", "there is nothing to talk about with you", and "we have no common interests" also jump out, because while I haven't gotten those word for word, I've always suspected they might be the case. I find that I'm different than most people, but not in a different and BETTER way, just hard to relate to because my interests and personality is uncommon.

"Nothing to talk about" is hard too, often times I feel I have nothing to talk about because I think about my problems almost constantly. But I really don't feel interested in anything else until they are solved. It stumps me though, because you need money to have a lifestyle, pursue interests, have stuff to talk about. But then when you work, you don't have time to actually do any of that. So basically, if you don't do something interesting for work, then you'll still have nothing to talk about/no common interests/lifestyle problems.

A lot of times with me, the girls I've liked were living lifestyles that I wanted to live, or was curious about, but didn't know how, or didn't have the money or the knowledge or skill to be able to live. Some of them had more common interests with me than others, but even the ones that only had a few common interests with me were into stuff that I was at least curious and open to learning more about. They were on paths I wanted to be on, just so far ahead of me cause they knew their identity for a longer time than me and I was too far behind to catch up. But those are the women I'm attracted to, who make me feel what I want to feel. Women on my level don't excite me at all cause they don't inspire me. There's nothing about them that can drive my curiosity. I seem to only like women that are more worldly and advanced than me but that seems to be the issue.

I think I fail in other areas cause I don't have the power to intimidate or humiliate other guys or put them in their place. I don't feel talented. I don't have a lot of stories to tell, especially stories about doing risky behavior (but if you do risky things you could make things harder for yourself and lose everything you worked for.......I'll never understand). And I don't know how to be witty or how to banter and flirt with women, I was never really interested in being a funny man or making sexual innuendoes. I didn't like that style, I didn't want to be a trashy person.

I think it all comes back to being interesting/exciting enough, coming off like you are in control of things, and not influencing the girl to think you are boring or weak and that she is stronger/better than you - which I find easier said than done.




I have to wonder though, if you say that you have problems because of your lifestyle, interests, and not enough to talk about, then what is your lifestyle like? What are your interests, and what do you like to talk about?

And how about the girls you've liked? What are their lifestyles, interests, and stuff they talk about?
 
Hmm all i seem to get is
"I dont know why."
"Its not that simple."
"Its complicated"



... and the rare
"I just dont feel anything."

Like jen said though the reason isnt too important. All that matters is they dont want you.
 
“I’m not looking for relationship at the moment”
“I want to focus on friends/family/work right now”

They would have to be the most common, because it’s rejecting someone in the least personal terms.

I’d go a bit further. Any reply involving the slightest bit of hesitancy is code for ‘no’. Anything other than a clear ‘yes’, plus a commitment to see you at a specific time and place, is almost always ‘no’,

It sucks that people can't be more honest but that's the way it is.
 
ardour said:
I’d go  a bit further. Any reply involving the slightest bit of hesitancy is code for ‘no’. Anything other than a clear ‘yes’, plus a commitment to see you at a specific time and place, is almost always ‘no’,

I can't say I agree with this.  There could be hesitancy for a variety of reasons.  Especially if you ask her out for a specific time and place.  Why, you ask?  No, I doubt it, but I'll tell you anyway.  Because maybe she or he has to think about whether or not they are free.  Because heaven forbid they call to cancel because they forgot about (what you will likely perceive as bogus) previous engagements. 

In simple terms.....stop things you know why people say this or that.  You don't, you never will.  You can only know the motives behind what YOU do and say.


ardour said:
“I’m not looking for relationship at the moment”

It sucks that people can't be more honest but that's the way it is.

As I said before, I do use the "excuse" of not looking for a relationship.  It's not a lie.
 
I am going to be a bad guy here, because I have rejected and been rejected.

I hated it when a guy asks why. I already hurt you with the rejection, how is it going to make it better for me to something negative about you? I have a conscience, I don't like hurting people.

And I couldn't say things like, "Oh, I'm not ready for a relationship." or something like that because there is a glimmer of hope there for some guys. Also, I couldn't go out with a guy I didn't have feeling for or was attracted to, because that wouldn't be fair to me.

I wish some of my past rejections, they would just accept the rejection and move on. Continuously asking me what was wrong with them just made me feel worse, and I know didn't make it any better for themselves.
 
I'm probably a bit too shy before I've had a drink to ask a girl out, after a few drinks they could call me every name under the sun and I'd just think "more drinks for me!" lol. I'm more likely to build a bit of a friendship with a girl first before thinking about a relationship, not friends like friendzone. A mixture of just being friendly and dropping sexual stuff into the conversation when it pops up. In other words if I think of something rude but funny, I'm saying it haha. Sometimes I look like an idiot, sometimes I look great but it's about not losing face when you do sound silly. I made an awful joke the other day and the whole table stared at me...but...the girl I liked found it funny so it was worth it.

So in other words I'm a wimp, I don't think I've ever been rejected properly. Oh! But I did have a girl say "I'm not really drinking anymore" once lmao! So there's one! But I think that was the only one...and I was incredibly drunk at the time of asking her!

I feel for the women really, they have more choice but would you really want to settle for someone who's just okay? You can't blame them for looking elsewhere if even you don't believe you're the best man for her. And that's coming from an overweight 20 year old with no car still living with his dad!

So the only two I can think of is the one I said above and "I'm always busy with work" as a girl at a bar I go to always says. Mine was an actual rejection, the second one might actually be true so you never know. Just keep trying, rejection only hurts if you let it. So just move on, each time I get rejected  (or ignored completely) I think of 5 things bad about the girl who's rejected me, even if it's petty. For example, (bad dress sense, takes coke, etc.)

I didn't expect to write all that lol, hope it helps in one way or another :)
 
Nicolelt said:
I hated it when a guy asks why. I already hurt you with the rejection, how is it going to make it better for me to something negative about you?


In high school and college, I didn't get rejected because I didn't ask any girls out.  I didn't ask any girls out because for one, there were none that liked the same stuff as me as far as I knew, none that I found interesting.  And two, they thought they were better than people like me.  So there was no point.  I knew where I stood from the get-go, there was nothing to be confused about, nothing to get my hopes up about.  They showed absolutely zero interest in me, and we didn't talk.  We had nothing to say anyway, so it was fine. Sure, I noticed their looks but I didn't really think too seriously about it. I didn't really think angry thoughts about those girls because I didn't really think much about them at all.

I felt they thought they were better than me and they never did anything to suggest anything else.  So I never had any chance, any reason to develop any feelings towards them but to return the hostility.  And that's how it helps.  If you don't think anything of me, don't act like it - don't give me compliments, don't ask how I'm doing or show any interest in my thoughts or my life, don't act like you enjoy my company, see anything in me at all, don't talk to me unless you must and keep it short.  I'm not going to antagonize you.  We just won't talk, and that's it.

And if you come out saying something negative about me from the start, it's even better.  That way I'll feel, f me, that's how it is?  No, f you! (not you you, just the hypothetical girl in the situation)  and I'll feel like it's even.  No chance to catch feelings.  I don't catch feelings for people who never came off as anything but hostile and disdainful to me, because there is no feelings of humiliation, betrayal, being lied to, being used. The feeling that they only acted like they saw something in you, when really they looked down on you the whole time just like everyone else. Feeling built up just to get knocked down and spit on. That's what causes the real hurt.
 
Xpendable said:
We men need to know why. It's valuable information.


That too.  We need to know what we're doing wrong since there's so many wrong behaviors out there just in a general sense.  This is ESPECIALLY important if you didn't grow up as a "cool guy" (who seem to be the majority of guys who get rejected aka honeysuckle on anyway), cause there's so much you just won't know.
 
TheSkaFish said:
Nicolelt said:
I hated it when a guy asks why. I already hurt you with the rejection, how is it going to make it better for me to something negative about you?


In high school and college, I didn't get rejected because I didn't ask any girls out.  I didn't ask any girls out because for one, there were none that liked the same stuff as me as far as I knew, none that I found interesting.  And two, they thought they were better than people like me.  So there was no point.  I knew where I stood from the get-go, there was nothing to be confused about, nothing to get my hopes up about.  They showed absolutely zero interest in me, and we didn't talk.  We had nothing to say anyway, so it was fine.  Sure, I noticed their looks but I didn't really think too seriously about it.  I didn't really think angry thoughts about those girls because I didn't really think much about them at all.

I felt they thought they were better than me and they never did anything to suggest anything else.  So I never had any chance, any reason to develop any feelings towards them but to return the hostility.  And that's how it helps.  If you don't think well of me, don't act like it - don't give me compliments, don't ask how I'm doing or show any interest in my thoughts or my life, don't act like you enjoy my company, see anything in me at all, don't talk to me unless you must and keep it short.  I'm not going to antagonize you.  We just won't talk, and that's it.    

And if you come out saying something negative about me from the start, it's even better.  That way I'll feel, f me, that's how it is?  No, f you! (not you you, just the hypothetical girl in the situation)  and I'll feel like it's even.  No chance to catch feelings.  I don't catch feelings for people who never came off as anything but hostile and disdainful to me, because there is no feelings of humiliation, betrayal, being lied to, being used.  The feeling that they only acted like they saw something in you, when really they looked down on you the whole time just like everyone else.  Feeling built up just to get knocked down and spit on.  That's what causes the real hurt.

Before I say this, I want you to know I am not being sarcastic when I ask the following questions. This topic gets sensitive.

If you never asked, how were you rejected? I thought rejection, especially in the OP was a female saying no to your advancements. In a sense, how do you get rejected from a job you didn't even apply for?

And just because you felt "they thought they were better than me" does that mean it is true? I was backwards shy in high school, and my dad was rich. People often mistaken my shyness as being stuck-up. Several boys didn't ask me out because of this, even though I had feelings for them.


Xpendable said:
We men need to know why. It's valuable information.

But what makes it valuable? Are you going to change who you are for some woman that doesn't and probably won't be in you?
 
Nicolelt said:
Before I say this, I want you to know I am not being sarcastic when I ask the following questions. This topic gets sensitive.

If you never asked, how were you rejected? I thought rejection, especially in the OP was a female saying no to your advancements. 

And just because you felt "they thought they were better than me" does that mean it is true? I was backwards shy in high school, and my dad was rich. People often mistaken my shyness as being stuck-up. Several boys didn't ask me out because of this, even though I had feelings for them.

It's fine.  And yeah, it does get sensitive.  I don't mean to be especially hostile to you, just saying how I feel about it.  I was really thinking of staying out of these kinds of discussion before, but I posted because I was thinking about it anyway and it helps to vent, if only to say "screw this!"  Just gets it off my chest.

I never asked (and like I said, there was no one that would have been good for me to get to know anyway) because I knew that there was no reason for them to say yes to me.  It couldn't have turned out any other way.  Everything about them sent a message of "don't even bother".  And like I said, I think that's the best way to be when you don't think highly of a guy because it doesn't put any thoughts in a guy's head about having a chance.

And the second question, you'll just have to take my word for it.  Believe me, these girls were not shy.  Things were very stratified, it's why I have such a hard time when people say there's no such things as leagues.  In my experience, there definitely are.  Even as adults, that mindset doesn't just go away.  I think a lot of people only want others to believe that they are egalitarian and mature and all that because it helps their image, not because it's what they really believe.
 
TheSkaFish said:
Nicolelt said:
Before I say this, I want you to know I am not being sarcastic when I ask the following questions. This topic gets sensitive.

If you never asked, how were you rejected? I thought rejection, especially in the OP was a female saying no to your advancements. 

And just because you felt "they thought they were better than me" does that mean it is true? I was backwards shy in high school, and my dad was rich. People often mistaken my shyness as being stuck-up. Several boys didn't ask me out because of this, even though I had feelings for them.

It's fine.  And yeah, it does get sensitive.  I don't mean to be especially hostile to you, just saying how I feel about it.  I was really thinking of staying out of these kinds of discussion before, but I posted because I was thinking about it anyway and it helps to vent, if only to say "screw this!"  Just gets it off my chest.

I never asked (and like I said, there was no one that would have been good for me to get to know anyway) because I knew that there was no reason for them to say yes to me.  It couldn't have turned out any other way.  Everything about them sent a message of "don't even bother".  And like I said, I think that's the best way to be when you don't think highly of a guy because it doesn't put any thoughts in a guy's head about having a chance.

And the second question, you'll just have to take my word for it.  Believe me, these girls were not shy.  Things were very stratified, it's why I have such a hard time when people say there's no such things as leagues.  In my experience, there definitely are.  Even as adults, that mindset doesn't just go away.  I think a lot of people only want others to believe that they are egalitarian and mature and all that because it helps their image, not because it's what they really believe.

You know, SkaFish, it sounds like you reject them just as much as they reject you. They weren't good for you anyways. It's like double rejection! What the heck do we call this phenomenon?!?!?!

I take your word for it. Different places, sizes of classes, intuition, that all plays a roll in this. The more and more that I meet people from other parts of the world, the more and more I realize how really different we all are. Like, in California, there is no way in hell I am a 10, but in the midwest, I'm not that bad. I am beginning to see this. I think that is why everyone gets into so many arguments in the forum.

I think in the adult world we have it even worse with leagues. You have things that show status (house, cars, etc.), and some professions are seen as more prestigious than others. There are leagues, but some people choose to ignore them as well.
 
Nicolelt said:


Xpendable said:
We men need to know why. It's valuable information.

But what makes it valuable? Are you going to change who you are for some woman that doesn't and probably won't be in you?



Maybe not change who we are, but adjust the approach or change aspects of ourselves that could feasibly be changed, yes.

I don't blame you for not being honest if you just aren't attracted to them in a general way. Depending on the reason though, the information could be useful.

Example: a lot women don't like it when men wait too long to ask them out. If it were something like this, it would be good to know that for future reference.

There might also be specific parts of someone's personality or mannerisms that acted as turn offs or red flags. Although probably hard to hear, it could be helpful to know about them.
 
ardour said:
Nicolelt said:


Xpendable said:
We men need to know why. It's valuable information.

But what makes it valuable? Are you going to change who you are for some woman that doesn't and probably won't be in you?



Maybe not change who we are, but adjust the approach or change aspects of ourselves that could feasibly be changed, yes.

I don't blame you for not being honest if you just aren't attracted to them in a general way. Depending on the reason though, the information could be useful.

Example: a lot women don't like it when men wait too long to ask them out. If it were something like this, it would be good to know that for future reference.

There might also be specific parts of someone's personality or mannerisms that acted as turn offs or red flags. Again, useful to know.



That makes perfect sense. I just hope no guy ever changes himself to extremes for some dumb girl that rejects him. That is my fear.
 
Nicolelt said:
You know, SkaFish, it sounds like you reject them just as much as they reject you. They weren't good for you anyways. It's like double rejection! What the heck do we call this phenomenon?!?!?!

I take your word for it. Different places, sizes of classes, intuition, that all plays a roll in this. The more and more that I meet people from other parts of the world, the more and more I realize how really different we all are. Like, in California, there is no way in hell I am a 10, but in the midwest, I'm not that bad. I am beginning to see this. I think that is why everyone gets into so many arguments in the forum.

I think in the adult world we have it even worse with leagues. You have things that show status (house, cars, etc.), and some professions are seen as more prestigious than others. There are leagues, but some people choose to ignore them as well.

Yeah it's a strange thing. I guess it's just when both people know that the other one is not what they're looking for, so there's no conflict and no pain. Even today, there are types of girls that I wouldn't even start talking to because there's no reason. They'd reject me because they think I'm "uncool", and I wouldn't want to hang out with them anyway because they aren't into anything I like or am curious about, so we'd have nothing to talk about.

I've never known where I fit in. Maybe I'd be able to avoid more rejection if I knew. I'm definitely not a street person, rule-breaker type at all, but at the same time, I don't really fit in with those from the white-collar business backgrounds either. I had the education but not the money and therefore not the "coolness". I don't know where I am on the looks scale. As a kid I thought I was ugly and weird-looking, I believed people's insults as proof of my low status and it all contributed to my low self-image that I still have to fight. Then I started feeling like, you know what, maybe I'm better than I thought. There are things I could do to look better, like adding some more muscle mass. But I've gotten compliments. I know I'm not the worst-looking guy ever and I do feel more confident that I'm better-looking than what I thought about myself before. It kinda makes me mad though. People seem to get it twisted when I get mad about this, but I'm not saying I'm the best in the world. I'm just saying I know I'm not the worst guy in the world, and I know I do have at least some good traits. I'm not worthless, not inferior and I won't be treated that way anymore. I feel like when I say that, I'm being confident like I'm supposed to be. It feels like one of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situations.

And the adult world leagues, yeah it's totally worse. I find that the people who genuinely choose to ignore it are few and far between. Even I get caught up in it a little bit, though I mostly feel those things about myself. I want to have at least a certain level of respectability
not to dominate others, but for my own confidence.




ardour said:
Nicolelt said:
Xpendable said:
We men need to know why. It's valuable information.

But what makes it valuable? Are you going to change who you are for some woman that doesn't and probably won't be in you?

Maybe not change who we are, but adjust the approach or change aspects of ourselves that could feasibly be changed, yes.

I don't blame you for not being honest if you just aren't attracted to them in a general way. Depending on the reason though, the information could be useful.

Example: a lot women don't like it when men wait too long to ask them out. If it were something like this, it would be good to know that for future reference.

There might also be specific parts of someone's personality or mannerisms that acted as turn offs or red flags. Although probably hard to hear, it could be helpful to know about them.

I sort of agree. The information helps, especially the personality and mannerisms parts - maybe not to completely change who we are, but just to get a better idea of what women like and what they don't so we can at least avoid the general mistakes. A lot of those are things that we shouldn't be doing anyway, like not being confident enough, or being overly sensitive, or too awkward. We got it wrong, somewhere. It seems like this is a huge issue for a lot of women, much more than women who don't care about it, I feel. I'd like to know what's wrong with me so I can stop doing those things, and what I should be doing instead and seeing if I can work these things into my personality.




Nicolelt said:
That makes perfect sense. I just hope no guy ever changes himself to extremes for some dumb girl that rejects him. That is my fear.

I feel like I've become a lot more jaded because of my experiences. It has tempted me to take a lower view of women. It's only made me angrier and want to free myself from the "loser" stigma even more. That's what this all means to me, the stigma of being a loser, being someone who is in life to get dominated, kicked around, insulted, humiliated, kept in their place and powerless to hit back - everything I desperately want to get away from. It's almost a holy war for me, to show the world I'm not inherently a loser, inferior to the macho men, just not good enough for what I want. The problem is, getting angry at it still isn't the "cool" type of aggression.

I don't really think I could change into that kind of guy though, even if I wanted to. I'm not physically capable of changing into that, I don't come from that background, and I just don't believe their way of life works - both the guys in high and low places. I don't want to have to be a "cool guy". "Being myself" hasn't worked, but I can't be one of them either. I know I need to change, if I want to change my results. But I really don't know what I can change into.
 
Richard_39 said:
Why concentrate on the negatives?

Well, I don't know.

Maybe because it can be turned into a positive to see that I am actually good in something. I mean I am good in getting rejections, lol. Though I doubt I could get anywhere near Guinness records even in that, lol.

TheSkaFish said:
"Nothing to talk about" is hard too, often times I feel I have nothing to talk about because I think about my problems almost constantly.

The ironic thing is that who told me "nothing to talk about", we actually had discussed and talked about plenty of matters in the world, so I couldn't understand the answer at all. It is not like we were new acquaintances. But I don't know, what does she talk about with other men. Perhaps indeed about "more exciting stuff" than life philosophy and stuff like that. So there you go.

Nicolelt said:
I hated it when a guy asks why. I already hurt you with the rejection, how is it going to make it better for me to something negative about you?

Well, I want to understand the world better and for every decision there is a reason. Personally I wasn't happy with just a "no", and wanted to get more understanding of how I am viewed. Call me naive or stupid, but if I don't understand something, I just want to know a bit.

But now that there is greater sample size and I understand my situation more and more, I admit there is lesser need to ask whenever a situation like that could occur again. Because I can already guess based on past experience, what it could be all about, so let it just be.

---

In addition.
The "best" rejection I have ever had was when a woman - who I had known for a bit - came crying to me that it is SO HARD to find a man. Then I told her what's the problem - I am free and available, let's be together. Then she hated for me for that and disappeared forever. Lol.

You really-really would like to be in a relationship, but ... still some are never good enough for that.
 
TheSkaFish said:
I have to wonder though, if you say that you have problems because of your lifestyle, interests, and not enough to talk about, then what is your lifestyle like? What are your interests, and what do you like to talk about?

And how about the girls you've liked? What are their lifestyles, interests, and stuff they talk about?

Sorry, I missed these questions initially.

Lifestyle... well, I think most people live a busier lifestyle than me. Many of them work, but then they have enough energy to go to travel, events, trainings, and things like that. My lifestyle is calmer, I need to take more rest than others, because otherwise I would get exhausted. Occasionally go to some social events though.

What concerns talking, it depends on person. I feel comfortable about discussing and I would actually say analyzing the world and life, and about a variety topics and angles. I would say I am an observer. I observe the world and surroundings and then discuss, what can be recognized, etc. But not only that. Can do jokes and be funny too, or find some things funny. But this is more person-specific, because plenty of people don't get this humour side very well. Like I am sometimes asked "what is so funny?"

Interests? Apart from some personal nerdy stuff I like to go wander around in different places, often in greenery. Have brought women to walk in nature too.

Ladies that I have liked I honestly can't give a general answer, what they are like. I feel they have been very different. A very general answer would be that I have seen them as someone, who is sensible enough to be a good woman. Regardless of what specific interests are.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top