Funny
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Sorry if this becomes a huge "tl;dr", but allow me to share my whole story.
I never thought in my life that I would be on a forum about this stuff, but here I am.
Throughout high school, it's been bad luck. With pretty much everything:
- Grew up in a small school filled with anti-social personalities
- Extremely frequent times or unlucky situations that prevented me from being successful with most of my grades
- Bad anxiety (mixed with bad Hyperhidrosis)
- Depression that I never talked about or explained to anybody in person (which I understand is unhealthy, but I still did/do it anyway)
- Really sudden Cystic/severe acne into grade 9 and the end of grade 10
And
- Never having the opportunity to have a regular social life (and never having a girlfriend).
My bad anxiety throughout my first three years in high school made it really hard for me to have a social life.
My parents split in my freshman year, but my mother didn't move into her own place until my sophomore year (she lived at her father's place until he had passed away and it was time to sell the house).
My first high school (grade 9-10) had the people and culture there to make it feel like a bad inner city school, despite it being a new modern school. The only real group of friends I had were my ones that came from elementary, and a small handful of new ones. My bad anxiety and self-conscious, alongside this school's social pressures, made me delete all my social media (which I really regret doing now) and I haven't really talked to anybody from there since.
After my brother got into really bad online drama with a bad group of kids there, and my mother beginning to move, I was forced to change schools with him to another school in a different town.
Joining this new high school in grade 11, I literally knew nobody there. Not a single person. And it was really hard to make any friends, let alone find a girlfriend.
Especially changing schools that late, nobody is really looking for a new friend to make when everybody has established their own group of friends. There were no social groups, the whole grade was kind of one; Nerdy or socialite, everybody was generally rich and already knew each other since it was a small town. Almost everyone hung out with everyone.
This made it really hard to find new people to fit in with, because nobody cared that I was the new guy. They cared about themselves, their already made friends, their girlfriends, and their cars. I made only some acquaintances, but even they never really became friendships because of my lack of social media and laziness, and the ones I did become close friends with were one grade above me and have now graduated.
To top it all off, my frequent and uncontrollable anxiety, combined with my hyperhidrosis, made it awkward meeting new people at all.
It's not that I'm socially awkward or ugly at all, I just have these defaults that come with me that I can't control, and I get these shitty hands life keeps dealing my way, and it all just sucks.
The one opportunity I thought I would blossom socially and find a girlfriend, just completely blown away from outside forces and my weird innate disorders.
I am now going into my senior year with the loneliest summer I've ever had, in the shittiest state I've been so far, where I will be lonely, and will most likely leave highschool a virgin. I understand adulthood is something to worry about as well, so that's another thing to add to my list.
Am I going to live my life like this forever? A depressed, anxious, jobless, excessively sweating, self conscious cretin?
All of this puts me in a dark cycle; an abyss. I can't get it off my mind at all. My brain just adds more problems and I never stop thinking. I guess the best thing is to just let it all out on here.
Sorry for the **** novel I wrote, I just wanted to get all of this off my chest. Thank you if you read the whole thing btw.
I never thought in my life that I would be on a forum about this stuff, but here I am.
Throughout high school, it's been bad luck. With pretty much everything:
- Grew up in a small school filled with anti-social personalities
- Extremely frequent times or unlucky situations that prevented me from being successful with most of my grades
- Bad anxiety (mixed with bad Hyperhidrosis)
- Depression that I never talked about or explained to anybody in person (which I understand is unhealthy, but I still did/do it anyway)
- Really sudden Cystic/severe acne into grade 9 and the end of grade 10
And
- Never having the opportunity to have a regular social life (and never having a girlfriend).
My bad anxiety throughout my first three years in high school made it really hard for me to have a social life.
My parents split in my freshman year, but my mother didn't move into her own place until my sophomore year (she lived at her father's place until he had passed away and it was time to sell the house).
My first high school (grade 9-10) had the people and culture there to make it feel like a bad inner city school, despite it being a new modern school. The only real group of friends I had were my ones that came from elementary, and a small handful of new ones. My bad anxiety and self-conscious, alongside this school's social pressures, made me delete all my social media (which I really regret doing now) and I haven't really talked to anybody from there since.
After my brother got into really bad online drama with a bad group of kids there, and my mother beginning to move, I was forced to change schools with him to another school in a different town.
Joining this new high school in grade 11, I literally knew nobody there. Not a single person. And it was really hard to make any friends, let alone find a girlfriend.
Especially changing schools that late, nobody is really looking for a new friend to make when everybody has established their own group of friends. There were no social groups, the whole grade was kind of one; Nerdy or socialite, everybody was generally rich and already knew each other since it was a small town. Almost everyone hung out with everyone.
This made it really hard to find new people to fit in with, because nobody cared that I was the new guy. They cared about themselves, their already made friends, their girlfriends, and their cars. I made only some acquaintances, but even they never really became friendships because of my lack of social media and laziness, and the ones I did become close friends with were one grade above me and have now graduated.
To top it all off, my frequent and uncontrollable anxiety, combined with my hyperhidrosis, made it awkward meeting new people at all.
It's not that I'm socially awkward or ugly at all, I just have these defaults that come with me that I can't control, and I get these shitty hands life keeps dealing my way, and it all just sucks.
The one opportunity I thought I would blossom socially and find a girlfriend, just completely blown away from outside forces and my weird innate disorders.
I am now going into my senior year with the loneliest summer I've ever had, in the shittiest state I've been so far, where I will be lonely, and will most likely leave highschool a virgin. I understand adulthood is something to worry about as well, so that's another thing to add to my list.
Am I going to live my life like this forever? A depressed, anxious, jobless, excessively sweating, self conscious cretin?
All of this puts me in a dark cycle; an abyss. I can't get it off my mind at all. My brain just adds more problems and I never stop thinking. I guess the best thing is to just let it all out on here.
Sorry for the **** novel I wrote, I just wanted to get all of this off my chest. Thank you if you read the whole thing btw.