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Dying to die
#1
i just found myself googling "easy ways to kill myself". 

Figured it would be better to write myself off here instead of indulging in those thoughts.

long story short: I cant stand myself, and it feels like other people cant either.  I moved to a new city for a new job 3 years ago, excited to start over fresh and find new friend as the ones i had in the old city never contacted me or asked me to hang out, but here i am 3 years later thinking about death on a friday.


theres a lot running through my head currently, mostly me wondering why i am uncapable of forming meaningful lasting friendships. Every single person i have ever called a friend has somewhat dissapeared from my life, but keeps in contact with people that was part of the old friendship group (meaning, im the only one not being contacted) 

at work, ive slowly come to realise that nobody actually asks to spend time with me. Nobody asks if i want to eat lunch or do anything after work or nothing of the sorts, but the new person thats worked there for 3 months already has a designated lunch group, people they go to drink beers with and etc.

It hurts to always be on the sideline of real friendship, it really hurts knowing that the person i call my best friend wont come up for my 25th birthday because they didnt care enough to book tickets, it hurts seeing posts about how peoples BFF did some amazing thing for them and that theyre so ever grateful.

is it me?
sorry for chaotic post
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#2
(08-05-2017, 04:44 AM)princess Wrote: i just found myself googling "easy ways to kill myself". 

Figured it would be better to write myself off here instead of indulging in those thoughts.

long story short: I cant stand myself, and it feels like other people cant either.  I moved to a new city for a new job 3 years ago, excited to start over fresh and find new friend as the ones i had in the old city never contacted me or asked me to hang out, but here i am 3 years later thinking about death on a friday.


theres a lot running through my head currently, mostly me wondering why i am uncapable of forming meaningful lasting friendships. Every single person i have ever called a friend has somewhat dissapeared from my life, but keeps in contact with people that was part of the old friendship group (meaning, im the only one not being contacted) 

at work, ive slowly come to realise that nobody actually asks to spend time with me. Nobody asks if i want to eat lunch or do anything after work or nothing of the sorts, but the new person thats worked there for 3 months already has a designated lunch group, people they go to drink beers with and etc.

It hurts to always be on the sideline of real friendship, it really hurts knowing that the person i call my best friend wont come up for my 25th birthday because they didnt care enough to book tickets, it hurts seeing posts about how peoples BFF did some amazing thing for them and that theyre so ever grateful.

is it me?
sorry for chaotic post

No, it's not you.
It's life.
I wish I could give you more encouragement than that, but it's a hard thing to determine by just a few lines of text.
HOWEVER, I will say this; if you do kill yourself, people will suddenly realize how much they care and want to love you then...but you won't be around to realize it. I've seen it happen often enough.
The thing is, are you ready to sit down and talk to people about it? If you're at your 25th birthday and have a job, all in relatively one piece up until your 25th, it's because somehow, somewhere, someone did SOMETHING right, or else you wouldn't be there. You'd be sitting somewhere at your parents home watching tv and wondering what went wrong with your life. Instead of a working, independent, 25 year old young woman.
So my advice to you would be not to think about killing yourself, because far from solving problems, it'll create more for the people you love and who love you, and start thinking about what exactly bugs you, as well as how you propose to solve it.

And pleasure to meet you, love *hugs*
Talk to us, we'll try and help you out. Doing anything rash won't help you, but everyone here might be able to ;-)
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#3
thank you for your reply.

First of all i want to send my regards to you, i read your thread about taking a break from here and i simply cannot imagine your pain.

I can see what you are trying to tell me Richard, and there was one person that did love me and was there for me, my grandmother, but she died some years back.
The last time i ever spoke to her i was in a position where i was in need of money and i was not aware of how severe her state was, using my last time to speak with my grandmother to ask her for money, is something i will forever have to live with.

The reason as to why i have a job and a future is because my abusive mom put me on the streets with the words "i should have stomped you to death as an infant", my father has never been present and lately made a weak attempt at contacting me (ive cut him out of my life for reasons) and telling me i should be thankful to him because it is because of him that i wasnt aborted.

Im starting to wonder if i perhaps display the lack of empathy and love that regular people can display, because i have never been shown true affection on a daily basis?
Im alone, i cant remember the last time someone contacted me first to ask if i wanted to hang out.

Im alone but yet i am surrounded by people and it just makes me feel even more alone
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#4
(08-05-2017, 05:24 AM)princess Wrote: thank you for your reply.

First of all i want to send my regards to you, i read your thread about taking a break from here and i simply cannot imagine your pain.

I can see what you are trying to tell me Richard, and there was one person that did love me and was there for me, my grandmother, but she died some years back.
The last time i ever spoke to her i was in a position where i was in need of money and i was not aware of how severe her state was, using my last time to speak with my grandmother to ask her for money, is something i will forever have to live with.

The reason as to why i have a job and a future is because my abusive mom put me on the streets with the words "i should have stomped you to death as an infant", my father has never been present and lately made a weak attempt at contacting me (ive cut him out of my life for reasons) and telling me i should be thankful to him because it is because of him that i wasnt aborted.

Im starting to wonder if i perhaps display the lack of empathy and love that regular people can display, because i have never been shown true affection on a daily basis?
Im alone, i cant remember the last time someone contacted me first to ask if i wanted to hang out.

Im alone but yet i am surrounded by people and it just makes me feel even more alone

Well, one step at a time ;-)
I can't comment on your parents. Also, sometimes, people are just cruel. Often, it doesn't matter as much if they're right or not as much as it's because they have their own problems and it comes out wrong in their attitude. But you do possess some measure of control on your own life and your own actions and what you chose to decide to do with it is entirely up to you.
There are support groups that can help, beyond this site. I recently joined a father's group that's helping me get through all of that right now and has given me some measure of comfort, as well as a new friend. You start small. Often enough, people don't know you, so they don't feel inclined to stick around you. Very rarely does one get to know someone else and figure they're bad people, because most of us try not to be, no matter what our flaws are. We're trying to work on time, we just need help doing it. I'd advise you to try and do the same. Also, social activities, wether they be physical or not, help making long term connection. I used to do Muay Thai classes and a few friends I have to this day are some of the best people I know. Start with that and work with that, the rest will come in time. The other most important thing; don't panick. Panicky people, or people who feel needy, are a huge turnoff sometimes. You have to be able to keep yourself in check enough while still manifesting the need to be with others. Lack of empathy often lifts when people realize how much one really hurts, but looking needy doing it doesn't always encourage others to sympathise. I used to be like that too ;-) I just learned to guard myself a bit more until I started to know people. I have friends I can really trust now, but I started small and little.

Thanks for the concern lol. My situation is a bit different, though. There really isn't anything that can be done and what I can do, I'm doing it. I have no choice but to plow on because it's not up to me anymore, it's for others. I also realized I couldn't take a break or leave. Trying to help others is what I enjoy doing. I don't know if it's what I'm good at, but if a few sentences from me can make a difference in one's life, I'll speak those words. It gives meaning to my own life.

Key is, just start off small. Don't wait to be asked to go to lunch, ask one person who's sitting by themselves in the corner if they'd like to talk, or go to lunch. Start small. The rest will follow.

Take care dudette Smile
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#5
princess: by all means ventilate your self destructive thoughts here, but do not act on them. At least give yourself another ten years for things to improve. The first thirty years of life can be pretty tough, the older you get, coping with one's life can be less desperate.
Be here now.
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#6
i struggle to keep my posts follow a red line, theres so many thoughts in my head but at the same time just silence.

my issue isnt meeting new people and interacting, my issue is that i dont form meaningful bonds or friendships with anyone and that if i become close to a group of people, i will come to the realisation that i am indeed the only one that consider us "close".

small example: i play a lot of league of legends, when i moved here an old friend from old city i moved from posted a fb pic with league of legends and we started talking about it and she told me to join the group chat with her friends that were also playing. it was really fun, we had a group meet up and i thought they were going to be my friends. fast forward to now, group chat is dead, everybody is keeping connected and meeting up eachother, except me.

it just makes me wonder that after all the groups of friends ive been a part of, i still find myself lonely.
i just wanted one best friend really.

but honestly, i think the issue is me and not the people around me.
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#7
That could be, princess. The issue could be something you do. But that doesn't mean it's something you are. The tricky part is figuring out what you're doing that leaves you excluded.
Be here now.
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#8
I have no friends, by design.

Friends are overrated.

I have two cats and philosophy!

(and occasionally Quantum Mechanics)
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#9
First of all, you sound completely like me. Granted I only moved just over 2 months ago but it's taught me a great lesson. Everyone's fake! They copy celebrity hairstyles, their favourite tv characters, you name it! Having little to no friends (to me) shows you're real! I'd say 90% of people I meet don't like me for one reason or another, and that's fine! Because I'm being me! All the people your thinking (Why aren't they contacting me anymore?) let me try and answer it for you. They wish they could be as real as you, and you being so real makes them feel uncomfortable. I have a childhood friend and me and him have always got along to some extent. The type of friend that wouldn't ever text you but if you said "I need help, I'm about to get jumped" would be there in a second. I consider him more like a brother than just a friend....but he's so fake! "So this guy came at me and" "Then this girl" and you go along with it but in your head your thinking "Course you did mate..." *Sarcasm.

Believe me I know how much having no friends sucks! But lately I've realised I'd rather have the girls (as of late, they seem to like me) than the friends. Yeah it sucks not being able to share stories and a drink and all that kind of thing. But It's the price you pay for not putting on a fake persona.

I hope this helps, if girls didn't respond well to my realness I'd probably be fake too. Just be yourself and hopefully you'll find some friends that appreciate you for who you are!
"I gotta stay on the positive vibe, all my peoples gotta stay on the positive vibe. Negativity just brings failure, you know? We ain’t try'na fail in this game, we try'na succeed.”  -The Notorious B.I.G.
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