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Cant' stop thinking something's wrong with me
#1
This is my first post on any sort of forum, not sure if this is right or not. 

I never thought I suffered from depression before, I always though I just felt depressed, if you get my difference. Its only recently that I've looked back and realised I haven't been genuinely happy in a long time. For a while, I kept imagining things couldn't get much worse if they were this bad, but then they did. There are a lot of things that cause it, and I suppose I could deal with it to an extent, if it weren't for the fact one major cause is my family. 

Just typing that makes me feel guilty, but at the same time I know it is the truth. My family is very much the 'behind closed doors' kind of family. No one is supposed to see our dirty laundry. But as time goes on I feel myself getting worse and worse, and bottling up the truth is hurting too much.

A couple months ago I told my sister how I felt, only to be rebuffed. She told me she didn't believe I was depressed, and that I was the 'one with issues' in the family. I cried in front of her and she said nothing, which sort of started my downward spiral. I would tell my mother how I felt, that I was crying every night and losing the will to do a lot of things, but her reply would always be that she had it worse. This happened about 10 times before I told her to stop replying with that. In response, she used therapy as a threat and said a lot that I think she would regret, if only she remembered - it wasn't a big deal for her. And when I tell my father how I feel, he tried to be diplomatic - which really means disagreeing with me and defending others even when it isn't fair. 

About a month later I couldn't find the will to get out of bed, to eat or drink anything. My family got annoyed and didn't understand where it came from. My oldest sister listened to me, and I thought she understood. That was, until she then forgot and returned to treating me like her childish sister, even though its been 10 years since she last lived with me. 

It's now that I feel I'm at a loss for what to do. Its always been easy to hide but I am in pain every day now. I know I would never consider ending it all, but I also know exactly how and where I would do it, and what frightens me the most is how nice is sounds. I've began to feel there is something wrong with me; I get so filled with intense emotions and hurt that I have started to take it out on myself physically, and I know if someone saw me they would think I have 'a problem.' I also lost a lot of friends to their relationships, while I am recently single, and I have never felt more alone.

At this point, I am totally lost in my life, and its hard to imagine a nicer future. The only thing that encourages me to keep going is that one day I can travel out of the country and away from here.

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#2
I've been there and I still kind of am. to be honest this planet is filled with morons. not that we are apart from them but we are a different kind.
Sounds to me like you've got a lot of reason to be depressed. I'll tell you about a secret weapon... its called rage. be angry. blame it on them. keep your composure but feel the fire burn.stay alone. try to find bliss in solitude. listen to music and pick up a new hobby. dedicate your life to a greater cause. because you know this planet is a shitty place and you've gotta stay pissed to survive. recognize and accept your shortcomings and mistakes, but don't blame yourself. blame the universe. but also be grateful. go out for a walk and take some photos of the surroundings maybe...help someone else.
all of this might sound contradictory but you know the world is a crazy place and it's hard to figure things out.
if your family ignores your feelings ....you ignore them too. lower your expectations.and stop giving a damn.If you want to have a chat just pm me, ill reply.and remember to stay angry and at the same time maintain composure.
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#3
(08-14-2017, 04:49 PM)Blue Spectre Wrote: I've been there and I still kind of am. to be honest this planet is filled with morons. not that we are apart from them but we are a different kind.
                 Sounds to me like you've got a lot of reason to be depressed. I'll tell you about a secret weapon... its called rage. be angry. blame it on them. keep your composure but feel the fire burn.stay alone. try to find bliss in solitude. listen to music and pick up a new hobby. dedicate your life to a greater cause. because you know this planet is a shitty place and you've gotta stay pissed to survive. recognize and accept your shortcomings and mistakes, but don't blame yourself. blame the universe. but also be grateful. go out for a walk and take some photos of the surroundings maybe...help someone else.
                                                                                                                all of this might sound contradictory but you know the world is a crazy place and it's hard to figure things out.
                                                                             if your family ignores your feelings ....you ignore them too. lower your expectations.and stop giving a damn.If you want to have a chat just pm me, ill reply.and remember to stay angry and at the same time maintain composure.

Thanks. Anger is a weirdly easy emotion to feel, and it does help but I always worry its a dangerous thing to feel too much. Recently, my emotions have been really intense, to the point that I don't even know how to describe what it is I'm feeling. 

I'll take your advice though, especially the part about lowering expectations. I've realised lately that growing up is finding that people would previously thought wise or went to for advice are actually just as clueless as I am. 

Thanks for your message, it really helped.

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#4
(08-14-2017, 09:38 PM)Macaroniac Wrote:
(08-14-2017, 04:49 PM)Blue Spectre Wrote: I've been there and I still kind of am. to be honest this planet is filled with morons. not that we are apart from them but we are a different kind.
                 Sounds to me like you've got a lot of reason to be depressed. I'll tell you about a secret weapon... its called rage. be angry. blame it on them. keep your composure but feel the fire burn.stay alone. try to find bliss in solitude. listen to music and pick up a new hobby. dedicate your life to a greater cause. because you know this planet is a shitty place and you've gotta stay pissed to survive. recognize and accept your shortcomings and mistakes, but don't blame yourself. blame the universe. but also be grateful. go out for a walk and take some photos of the surroundings maybe...help someone else.
                                                                                                                all of this might sound contradictory but you know the world is a crazy place and it's hard to figure things out.
                                                                             if your family ignores your feelings ....you ignore them too. lower your expectations.and stop giving a damn.If you want to have a chat just pm me, ill reply.and remember to stay angry and at the same time maintain composure.

Thanks. Anger is a weirdly easy emotion to feel, and it does help but I always worry its a dangerous thing to feel too much. Recently, my emotions have been really intense, to the point that I don't even know how to describe what it is I'm feeling. 

I'll take your advice though, especially the part about lowering expectations. I've realised lately that growing up is finding that people would previously thought wise or went to for advice are actually just as clueless as I am. 

Thanks for your message, it really helped.

I can't add that much to this, only to say one thing, though; therapy isn't necessarily a threat. From what I understand, you were raised and grew up to believe therapy is "failiure". I thought the same for a long time.
It isn't. It's a helping hand. It's someone unrelated to you who listens to what you have to say specifically without judging with the sole purpose of understanding and, if you want to, giving you advice. You should try it.
As for your family, well, if they aren't receptive, look for someone who is. It's sad but it happens.
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#5
(08-15-2017, 12:37 AM)Richard_39 Wrote:
(08-14-2017, 09:38 PM)Macaroniac Wrote:
(08-14-2017, 04:49 PM)Blue Spectre Wrote: I've been there and I still kind of am. to be honest this planet is filled with morons. not that we are apart from them but we are a different kind.
                 Sounds to me like you've got a lot of reason to be depressed. I'll tell you about a secret weapon... its called rage. be angry. blame it on them. keep your composure but feel the fire burn.stay alone. try to find bliss in solitude. listen to music and pick up a new hobby. dedicate your life to a greater cause. because you know this planet is a shitty place and you've gotta stay pissed to survive. recognize and accept your shortcomings and mistakes, but don't blame yourself. blame the universe. but also be grateful. go out for a walk and take some photos of the surroundings maybe...help someone else.
                                                                                                                all of this might sound contradictory but you know the world is a crazy place and it's hard to figure things out.
                                                                             if your family ignores your feelings ....you ignore them too. lower your expectations.and stop giving a damn.If you want to have a chat just pm me, ill reply.and remember to stay angry and at the same time maintain composure.

Thanks. Anger is a weirdly easy emotion to feel, and it does help but I always worry its a dangerous thing to feel too much. Recently, my emotions have been really intense, to the point that I don't even know how to describe what it is I'm feeling. 

I'll take your advice though, especially the part about lowering expectations. I've realised lately that growing up is finding that people would previously thought wise or went to for advice are actually just as clueless as I am. 

Thanks for your message, it really helped.

I can't add that much to this, only to say one thing, though; therapy isn't necessarily a threat. From what I understand, you were raised and grew up to believe therapy is "failiure". I thought the same for a long time.
It isn't. It's a helping hand. It's someone unrelated to you who listens to what you have to say specifically without judging with the sole purpose of understanding and, if you want to, giving you advice. You should try it.
As for your family, well, if they aren't receptive, look for someone who is. It's sad but it happens.

I agree.
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#6
(08-14-2017, 09:38 PM)Macaroniac Wrote:
(08-14-2017, 04:49 PM)Blue Spectre Wrote: I've been there and I still kind of am. to be honest this planet is filled with morons. not that we are apart from them but we are a different kind.
                 Sounds to me like you've got a lot of reason to be depressed. I'll tell you about a secret weapon... its called rage. be angry. blame it on them. keep your composure but feel the fire burn.stay alone. try to find bliss in solitude. listen to music and pick up a new hobby. dedicate your life to a greater cause. because you know this planet is a shitty place and you've gotta stay pissed to survive. recognize and accept your shortcomings and mistakes, but don't blame yourself. blame the universe. but also be grateful. go out for a walk and take some photos of the surroundings maybe...help someone else.
                                                                                                                all of this might sound contradictory but you know the world is a crazy place and it's hard to figure things out.
                                                                             if your family ignores your feelings ....you ignore them too. lower your expectations.and stop giving a damn.If you want to have a chat just pm me, ill reply.and remember to stay angry and at the same time maintain composure.

Thanks. Anger is a weirdly easy emotion to feel, and it does help but I always worry its a dangerous thing to feel too much. Recently, my emotions have been really intense, to the point that I don't even know how to describe what it is I'm feeling. 

I'll take your advice though, especially the part about lowering expectations. I've realised lately that growing up is finding that people would previously thought wise or went to for advice are actually just as clueless as I am. 

Thanks for your message, it really helped
Anytime man...I could recommend you a really cool album that might help, well that is if you haven't already heard of it.
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#7
(08-15-2017, 12:37 AM)Richard_39 Wrote:
(08-14-2017, 09:38 PM)Macaroniac Wrote:
(08-14-2017, 04:49 PM)Blue Spectre Wrote: I've been there and I still kind of am. to be honest this planet is filled with morons. not that we are apart from them but we are a different kind.
                 Sounds to me like you've got a lot of reason to be depressed. I'll tell you about a secret weapon... its called rage. be angry. blame it on them. keep your composure but feel the fire burn.stay alone. try to find bliss in solitude. listen to music and pick up a new hobby. dedicate your life to a greater cause. because you know this planet is a shitty place and you've gotta stay pissed to survive. recognize and accept your shortcomings and mistakes, but don't blame yourself. blame the universe. but also be grateful. go out for a walk and take some photos of the surroundings maybe...help someone else.
                                                                                                                all of this might sound contradictory but you know the world is a crazy place and it's hard to figure things out.
                                                                             if your family ignores your feelings ....you ignore them too. lower your expectations.and stop giving a damn.If you want to have a chat just pm me, ill reply.and remember to stay angry and at the same time maintain composure.

Thanks. Anger is a weirdly easy emotion to feel, and it does help but I always worry its a dangerous thing to feel too much. Recently, my emotions have been really intense, to the point that I don't even know how to describe what it is I'm feeling. 

I'll take your advice though, especially the part about lowering expectations. I've realised lately that growing up is finding that people would previously thought wise or went to for advice are actually just as clueless as I am. 

Thanks for your message, it really helped.

I can't add that much to this, only to say one thing, though; therapy isn't necessarily a threat. From what I understand, you were raised and grew up to believe therapy is "failiure". I thought the same for a long time.
It isn't. It's a helping hand. It's someone unrelated to you who listens to what you have to say specifically without judging with the sole purpose of understanding and, if you want to, giving you advice. You should try it.
As for your family, well, if they aren't receptive, look for someone who is. It's sad but it happens.

Yeah, not exactly a 'failure', it just makes the whole situation a 'thing' - my family is quite scared of it being 'real.' 

I've thought it over before, and the first step seems to be to see a GP first. Apparently only they can refer me on to a therapist. I wouldn't have considered it before, but after seeing how its all deteriorated recently, I think I should at least try it.

(08-15-2017, 01:55 AM)Blue Spectre Wrote:
(08-14-2017, 09:38 PM)Macaroniac Wrote:
(08-14-2017, 04:49 PM)Blue Spectre Wrote: I've been there and I still kind of am. to be honest this planet is filled with morons. not that we are apart from them but we are a different kind.
                 Sounds to me like you've got a lot of reason to be depressed. I'll tell you about a secret weapon... its called rage. be angry. blame it on them. keep your composure but feel the fire burn.stay alone. try to find bliss in solitude. listen to music and pick up a new hobby. dedicate your life to a greater cause. because you know this planet is a shitty place and you've gotta stay pissed to survive. recognize and accept your shortcomings and mistakes, but don't blame yourself. blame the universe. but also be grateful. go out for a walk and take some photos of the surroundings maybe...help someone else.
                                                                                                                all of this might sound contradictory but you know the world is a crazy place and it's hard to figure things out.
                                                                             if your family ignores your feelings ....you ignore them too. lower your expectations.and stop giving a damn.If you want to have a chat just pm me, ill reply.and remember to stay angry and at the same time maintain composure.

Thanks. Anger is a weirdly easy emotion to feel, and it does help but I always worry its a dangerous thing to feel too much. Recently, my emotions have been really intense, to the point that I don't even know how to describe what it is I'm feeling. 

I'll take your advice though, especially the part about lowering expectations. I've realised lately that growing up is finding that people would previously thought wise or went to for advice are actually just as clueless as I am. 

Thanks for your message, it really helped
Anytime man...I could recommend you a really cool album that might help, well that is if you haven't already heard of it.

Go for it, I'm pretty much into all kinds of music and it always helps. I have a playlist of 'when I'm down' music to listen to when these things happen, funnily enough...
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#8
Hello, I am inspired by how you have reached out for support. I am sorry to hear about your depression. Depression is tough, but I am here to support you. I know that you don’t deserve this. Depression affects many and there is nothing wrong with you and this doesn’t make you different. I know your life is worth the fight, and your life is very valuable. I would like for you to develop a safety plan to prevent self-harm. If, you feel suicidal call the hotline below or dial 911 immediately. I need you to write a list of names and phone numbers of those whom you can contact when you need help to prevent cutting and someone to talk with such as, family, friends, pastor, neighbor, co-worker and etc. Also, stay away from anything that would hurt or harm you and have someone to remove it for you. Continue to look forward to a great future and of travel in the future. Friends should be there regardless of what anyone goes through, it’s their lost on how beautiful of a person you are. Also, when you are ready; I encourage engagement in activities to help you socially. I want you to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). It’s a 24- hour confidential hotline.  They can talk to you when you feel this way and help with preventive measures. Also, you can call; The Samaritans it’s a 24-hour confidential hotline at (212) 673-3000. The Samaritans is there for suicide and in the event of any crisis. Hugs! We are here for you.
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#9
Welcome, Macaroniac!
Some kind of help does sound like a good idea. My advice, however, would be to (if you feel well enough to be able to do so) find some psychiatrist or similar on your own, one that you feel good with, instead of letting your family do so. This since you know what's inportant to you, and they have a more shallow understanding/agreeing with this experience. Find one you trust, one that is "on your level". Keep it up, I hope you stay well, and welcome here!
Also, I like the name you chose Big Grin
Are you sure we're on the right way, Yoda?
Off course, we are.

The snow angel was imperfect but so is everyone. It was there, and that is what matters. Maybe someone would see it, and smile.
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#10
(08-23-2017, 12:47 PM)Meaw Wrote: Welcome, Macaroniac!
Some kind of help does sound like a good idea. My advice, however, would be to (if you feel well enough to be able to do so) find some psychiatrist or similar on your own, one that you feel good with, instead of letting your family do so. This since you know what's inportant to you, and they have a more shallow understanding/agreeing with this experience. Find one you trust, one that is "on your level". Keep it up, I hope you stay well, and welcome here!
Also, I like the name you chose Big Grin

Thanks for your reply. 
Getting some help does look like a good option at this time. My family seem to think I go though 'phases' and right now they think I'm much better than I really am. Trying to find one is going to be hard without them knowing, but I agree it's a good step from here. Just making it is hard.

PS Thanks... macaroni is too good
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