Hello & Good Morning

Hello everyone,

I'm Drew, 45, married w/ 4 kids (oldest lives with his birth mom.) You would think married life would make you happy, but no. I was raised in an affectionate home and I am affectionate as well; however, my wife is not. Not in the least. We have talked about it many times, we have been to counseling, seminars (Laugh Yourself to a Better Marriage), read books (5 Love Languages), none of it matters. I've read quite a few post and I know some of you have gone years without affection. For me, when I was home, the longest was 3 weeks and it was a short, 30 seconds maybe, rub of my knee. There are many times when we have been in bed and I see her petting her cat and I wish she would show me the same amount of affection she does to the cat. It has never been about sex. Sex is not affection. At least not to me. I would try to tell her how I feel and she would always interrupt and talk about herself and what she was going through.

I moved out in January to my own place, but moved back home in May due to financial reasons. Currently I am deployed (in the middle east, but it's a safe spot) and will be back home in late January/early February.

I tried "Russian" marriage sites. I made a trip to the Ukraine to find a new wife (Russian marriage websites... wasted thousands of dollars.) I actually loved the country and the food, but the rest was a waste of money, time and effort. I did a lot of research prior to jumping into the sites, but it was a lot harder than I thought. 

For most of my life I have been invisible. People don't remember me. They don't think about me or consider me.

Oh and I like to write. My cousin once told me I write "novels" for emails. I am an open book. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.

Thank you for your time and I hope you have a great day!

Hi Drew welcome to the forum.
Are you in the military? What branch are you in?
What kind of writing do you like to do? I use to do a fair amount of poetry but haven't done much lately.

Hey there Evanescencefan!

I had dreams of writing science fiction novels, but I've only done short stories. Sometimes fantasy, sometimes sci-fi. I've never done a Steampunk story, but I've been thinking of that. When I was in middle school, I wrote an 18 page story about King Arthur. Like you though, I haven't been doing much with it lately. Shrugs. Life happens and pulls us away from our dreams.

I am in the military, Air Force specifically and have been for over 20 years. I am planning on retiring within the next couple of years.

I once read a verse that says So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.
Have you and your wife had the opportunity to listen to each other. Sometimes I hear my wife but I am not listening. It may be a good idea to find out what her needs. When my wife and I talk, I stop what I’m doing and look her right in the eyes. I do this so that I know and she knows that she has my complete undivided attention and it also shows that what what she is saying is important. A good relationship begins with good communication and that starts with good listening.

Someone once said Leadership is not a position or a title, it is an action and example.

Because we are the providers, pursuers, and protectors in our marriages, we need to lead by example. You may want to continue to show your wife affection. Be that example that she needs you to be.

blessedby4 said:

Someone once said Leadership is not a position or a title, it is an action and example.  

Because we are the providers, pursuers, and protectors in our marriages, we need to lead by example.  You may want to continue to show your wife affection.  Be that example that she needs you to be.

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For so long I have done that. I beleive God calls men to be the leaders in marriage. We would go on walks, usually an hour, 4-5x a week. We had once a week date nights as well. Once a month I would buy her flowers. Always opened the door for her to get in the car. Kiss her before I left the house. When I get into bed, I would hold her for a while, before I turned over to fall asleep. Hold her hand in the car and when we were out anywhere. When she was in school, even when she had her doubts, I would praise her and tell her how smart she was, that she was a wizard, and she would do well on the exams. I listened to her problems (and only offered solutions when she wanted them...something I learned from the classes we took.) I spoiled her in so many ways. BUT! I didn't get anything back. The only time she would show me affection was at church on Sundays. Usually at some point, she would rub my knee for 30 - 60 seconds. She never initiated holding my hand. She would never hold me at night. When I've tried to tell her how I feel, she cuts me off. I fight fair. I do not bring up past issues or wrongs. She does not. Things got so bad that I started going to counseling. After a while, I told her and then she started going to my counselor too! I stopped when the counselor to give me suggestions on restoring my marriage (which is not why I went, not once had I told her that was something I wanted to cover.) I needed someone to talk to, who would take my side and listen. My wife took that away from me. (I blame the counselor for taking my wife as a client as well. Seems like a conflict of interest to me.)

Right now, I am leaning to staying together until the kids are through college. I don't know about after that. I am also thinking of going back and doing those things that I used to do (I only quite shortly before I moved out last January) so I can demonstrate to my daughter what kind of husband she should look for.

I am at a point that I resent that God has called me to be the leader in the family and make the sacrifices with nothing in return. It is what I believe, but I don't know where to go from here. What I do know is that I am extremely lonely and love starved. 

If I were rich, I would hire someone to give me affection and to listen (basically a counselor who also shows affection.) Maybe that's why God won't let me win the lottery.   

Sorry if I ranted... it is not directed at you, it's just my frustration at the situation.

Hi Drew and welcome to ALL! (this is my standard opening)

Affection isn't about sex indeed, the way I read it you've tried things and have not been easy to let go off your situation, there obviously is or was affection for your wife, I'm going to put on my bogus dr.Phil coat for a minute and tell a hard truth you probably already know... you've tried talking to your wife and she makes it about her, but guess what... it is about her as much as it's about you! you want more than she is able to give, there is nothing you can do about it except maybe grow whiskers, fur and a tail it seems, but you've tried nevertheless.

Coat off again, it always makes me feel a little dirty and itchy.

Hey Drew