How to completely block the thought of a relationship from your mind?

As a realist,  I've come to understand I will never be in a relationship.  However knowing this hasn't prevented me from thinking about what I am missing out on from time to time.  

The core of issue is I was stupid enough to believe someone might have liked me a couple of years ago.  It was all in my head, of course.  Nethertheless, I went from someone who accepted the fate of forever alone to someone who suddenly had a glimmer of hope again, though this hope was essentially baseless.  Unfortunately this hope has been driving me crazy for 2 years straight.  I want to squash it,  completely, as it's done nothing but make my life miserable.  I want to go back to where I was for the last 10 or so years prior, in complete acceptance of being forever alone and it not hurting me at all.

Some ideas I could think of to help keep my mind off the subject:

- Focus on the benefits of being single, and do things that only single people can do
- Imagine how miserable a relationship would be because of how bad of a partner I would make
- Meditate on on qualities people in relationships have (confidence, good social skills, exciting lifestyle, being 'normal', etc) and understand because you are lacking these things, a relationship is not for you nor ever will be.
 
So can anyone help?  It's OK if you humiliate me, I think it would help get this silly idea of me in a relationship out of my head, for good this time hopefully.

Quite honestly, it sounds like you are a defeatist, not a realist.

But, in the end, it's kind of simple. Stop wanting to be in a relationship and you won't think about it. Yeah yeah, IT'S NOT THAT EASY.....I never said it was.
I would start by accepting yourself for who you are. If you can change something you don't like, by all means, give it a go, change it, better yourself. But, if you can't change it, accept it.

Why exactly would you make a bad partner? And why don't you have confidence, social skills or an exciting lifestyle? Those can all be changed, so I don't understand how you can say you are a realist when you are that negative about yourself. A realist would understand that those things could be changed.

I do think you should forget about being in a relationship, but not forever, just until you start liking yourself more...you should really be working on that, not focusing on this kind of thing.

michael2 said:

Some ideas I could think of to help keep my mind off the subject:

- Focus on the benefits of being single, and do things that only single people can do
- Imagine how miserable a relationship would be because of how bad of a partner I would make
- Meditate on on qualities people in relationships have (confidence, good social skills, exciting lifestyle, being 'normal', etc) and understand because you are lacking these things, a relationship is not for you nor ever will be.

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These are terrible and might even be one of the reasons why you're not in a relationship...

- Single people can fresia whoever they want (some in relationships can do that also), that's the only thing only singles can do... are you ******* people on a regular basis to miss it? And if you want a relationship, why would you miss it?
- Why? Are you going to deliberately cheat, betray, abuse and hurt the person you're with?
- Very wrong. You don't have to have any of those qualities to be in a relationship, only if you choose the wrong partner. Also, "normal" doesn't really exist.

TheRealCallie said:

I do think you should forget about being in a relationship, but not forever, just until you start liking yourself more...you should really be working on that, not focusing on this kind of thing.

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^ Good advice, listen to it.

TheRealCallie said:

Quite honestly, it sounds like you are a defeatist, not a realist.  

But, in the end, it's kind of simple.  Stop wanting to be in a relationship and you won't think about it.  Yeah yeah, IT'S NOT THAT EASY.....I never said it was.  
I would start by accepting yourself for who you are.  If you can change something you don't like, by all means, give it a go, change it, better yourself.  But, if you can't change it, accept it.  

Why exactly would you make a bad partner?  And why don't you have confidence, social skills or an exciting lifestyle?  Those can all be changed, so I don't understand how you can say you are a realist when you are that negative about yourself.  A realist would understand that those things could be changed.  

I do think you should forget about being in a relationship, but not forever, just until you start liking yourself more...you should really be working on that, not focusing on this kind of thing.

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I dont have confidence because I am a realist.  Believe me I know.  Take my sisters for example.  They are full of confidence.  But you know how their brain is wired?  Lets say they dont get a job after an interview.  They honestly 100% believe it's because the person giving the interview was jealous and feared they would take their position.  I of course,  as a realist,  would understand I simply lacked the qualifications.  People full of confidence BS themselves all the time.  Their failings are never their fault.  Its always the fault of someone else for not realizing how awesome they are.  I cant lie to myself like that.  

I dont have social skills because I've been alienated my entire life.  I would go years without a single friend,  let alone a girl to talk to, even as a general friend.  And people wonder why I dont know how to approach them, saying I'm a coward.  I didnt ask to be alone like this.  I like people.  But I have the social ability of a 10 year old.  Because thats probably the last time I was somewhat consistently around and associating with a group of people.  It's not that I cant carry a conversation.  Its that I completely fail at small talk, and that seems to be a big part of what makes the world go around.  Its a 'normal' person thing.  Im not normal.

And my lifestyle isnt exciting because it isnt 'mainstream'.  As someone who spent the vast bulk of my life alone I never learned the ins and outs of what 'normal' people do to have fun together.  I developed my own set of interests and hobbies, a mishmash of wildly different things,  nothing focused,  such as things a 'normal' group of people would do when hanging out. I dont believe there is really a boring person out there.  Including me.  Its just that what i like isnt deemed exciting by people who had a normal, healthy social life growing up.  Thats 95%+ of the population, making my options very limited. 

I think I like myself enough, however as a realist I realize most people dont like me.

DarkSelene said:

michael2 said:

Some ideas I could think of to help keep my mind off the subject:

- Focus on the benefits of being single, and do things that only single people can do
- Imagine how miserable a relationship would be because of how bad of a partner I would make
- Meditate on on qualities people in relationships have (confidence, good social skills, exciting lifestyle, being 'normal', etc) and understand because you are lacking these things, a relationship is not for you nor ever will be.

Click to expand...

These are terrible and might even be one of the reasons why you're not in a relationship... 

- Single people can fresia whoever they want (some in relationships can do that also), that's the only thing only singles can do... are you ******* people on a regular basis to miss it? And if you want a relationship, why would you miss it?
- Why? Are you going to deliberately cheat, betray, abuse and hurt the person you're with? 
- Very wrong. You don't have to have any of those qualities to be in a relationship, only if you choose the wrong partner. Also, "normal" doesn't really exist.

TheRealCallie said:

I do think you should forget about being in a relationship, but not forever, just until you start liking yourself more...you should really be working on that, not focusing on this kind of thing.

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^ Good advice, listen to it.

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No I wont cheat, abuse or betray, however those qualities are secondary to what people want from a partner.  Those are 'nice guy' qualities that mean very little in a relationship.  I know a few guys who cheat and betray,  and they are never, ever single, in fact you could say there is literally people waiting in line for them, because they have the qualities people want most:  they are outgoing, confident, exciting.

And I'd agree,  the 'right' partner wouldnt mind if you didnt have some of those qualities.  But they, like me,  are less then 5% of the population.  The chances of me finding someone like that is slim to none without going through and dating a bunch of people,  which will never, ever happen.  


I do think 'normal' does very much exist.  As an outcast its very clear how different you are from everyone else.  Even the way I dress is not 'normal'.  It would be better for me if i fit into some sort of group like hipsters or something.  Even nerd.  Thats considered being normal.  When people look at you and they can almost instantly group you as this or that.  When people look at you and dont know what to make of you,  when you dont fall under any one stereotype,  your not normal.  Your weird,  a wildcard that cant be trusted.


Well,  I'll take the advice to forget about it.  Thanks for listening guys,  I feel with this off my chest I should be able to put all this behind me and return to my previous state of contentment.

michael2 said:

TheRealCallie said:

Quite honestly, it sounds like you are a defeatist, not a realist.  

But, in the end, it's kind of simple.  Stop wanting to be in a relationship and you won't think about it.  Yeah yeah, IT'S NOT THAT EASY.....I never said it was.  
I would start by accepting yourself for who you are.  If you can change something you don't like, by all means, give it a go, change it, better yourself.  But, if you can't change it, accept it.  

Why exactly would you make a bad partner?  And why don't you have confidence, social skills or an exciting lifestyle?  Those can all be changed, so I don't understand how you can say you are a realist when you are that negative about yourself.  A realist would understand that those things could be changed.  

I do think you should forget about being in a relationship, but not forever, just until you start liking yourself more...you should really be working on that, not focusing on this kind of thing.

Click to expand...

I dont have confidence because I am a realist.  Believe me I know.  Take my sisters for example.  They are full of confidence.  But you know how their brain is wired?  Lets say they dont get a job after an interview.  They honestly 100% believe it's because the person giving the interview was jealous and feared they would take their position.  I of course,  as a realist,  would understand I simply lacked the qualifications.  People full of confidence BS themselves all the time.  Their failings are never their fault.  Its always the fault of someone else for not realizing how awesome they are.  I cant lie to myself like that.  

I dont have social skills because I've been alienated my entire life.  I would go years without a single friend,  let alone a girl to talk to, even as a general friend.  And people wonder why I dont know how to approach them, saying I'm a coward.  I didnt ask to be alone like this.  I like people.  But I have the social ability of a 10 year old.  Because thats probably the last time I was somewhat consistently around and associating with a group of people.  It's not that I cant carry a conversation.  Its that I completely fail at small talk, and that seems to be a big part of what makes the world go around.  Its a 'normal' person thing.  Im not normal.

And my lifestyle isnt exciting because it isnt 'mainstream'.  As someone who spent the vast bulk of my life alone I never learned the ins and outs of what 'normal' people do to have fun together.  I developed my own set of interests and hobbies, a mishmash of wildly different things,  nothing focused,  such as things a 'normal' group of people would do when hanging out. I dont believe there is really a boring person out there.  Including me.  Its just that what i like isnt deemed exciting by people who had a normal, healthy social life growing up.  Thats 95%+ of the population, making my options very limited. 

I think I like myself enough, however as a realist I realize most people dont like me.

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And by what you are saying, "realists" place ALL blame on themselves?  I'm sorry, but you aren't a realist.   You are a pessimist who is all about making excuses.  That's all you've done in this thread.

michael2 said:

No I wont cheat, abuse or betray, however those qualities are secondary to what people want from a partner.  Those are 'nice guy' qualities that mean very little in a relationship.  I know a few guys who cheat and betray,  and they are never, ever single, in fact you could say there is literally people waiting in line for them, because they have the qualities people want most:  they are outgoing, confident, exciting.

And I'd agree,  the 'right' partner wouldnt mind if you didnt have some of those qualities.  But they, like me,  are less then 5% of the population.  The chances of me finding someone like that is slim to none without going through and dating a bunch of people,  which will never, ever happen.  


I do think 'normal' does very much exist.  As an outcast its very clear how different you are from everyone else.  Even the way I dress is not 'normal'.  It would be better for me if i fit into some sort of group like hipsters or something.  Even nerd.  Thats considered being normal.  When people look at you and they can almost instantly group you as this or that.  When people look at you and dont know what to make of you,  when you dont fall under any one stereotype,  your not normal.  Your weird,  a wildcard that cant be trusted.


Well,  I'll take the advice to forget about it.  Thanks for listening guys,  I feel with this off my chest I should be able to put all this behind me and return to my previous state of contentment.

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Your mentality is very wrong, you're overcomplicating very simple things.

I'll give you the confidence, because it's very hard to date someone who hate themselves, but you can stop at being a realist -- "I have flaws, but I have good qualities too", that's all you need. It'll always be easier to see the faults within ourselves, because most of the times you get honeysuckle on for having flaws but you're never revered for having any good qualities.
Something people that spew the nice guys x bad boys crap never consider is the fact that the women who go for the ******** have problems themselves. It's one thing to be deceived or lied to, to fall for someone before they start acting out... but it's a very different thing to be in line waiting for someone who you know is an ******* and you know will use you -- that is not a "normal" woman (whatever normal means), it's also not someone anyone should be paying attention to because they're clearly damaged.

Why 5% of the population? You know that people can be different but still respect other's ways, even admire it, right?! You can be with someone who is outgoing without having to be, you can be in a relationship with someone who is an extrovert, who likes going on adventures or whatever... you just respect each other and make it work in your own way.

I really don't mean to burst anyone's bubble but everyone feels like they're the special snowflake and that a lot of people won't "get" them, etc... That's almost an adult fantasy by now, everyone wants to be special in their own way. The truth is we may share a lot of experiences, interests, likes/dislikes with others and even seem like a part of certain groups, but the set of things that make you you will always be just for you. Your hobbies, your vision of the world around you, your choices, your experiences, the people that surround you... all of those things makes you special in your own way and that includes absolutely everyone. The whole "I'm a wild card" comes from people having very superficial knowledge of you as a person and your interpretation of "they're in this group" too. Do not dismiss how special everyone is and how ordinary that makes everyone too. It's very contradictory and kinda dumb, but... anyways, I'm going off on a tangent here.

I understand that to attract someone it's easier if you do have certain qualities, but it's not that impossible to do so without being that way. When it comes to a real relationship where you already attracted someone that is genuinely interested in being with you, those are very small issues that might even work themselves out naturally...

Don't put yourself down too much, self-loathing is the most unappealing characteristic someone could have but also don't force yourself to be incredibly confident... none of it will help. Just try to be honest with yourself and with others, that's truly how you can make someone interested in what you, in particular, have to offer.

All I do is look in the mirror and I'm reminded why women don't like me.

You might want to head over the foreveralone 30+ subreddit. There's some thoughtful, mature people there who have had to reconcile themselves to the reality of this. It's a lot of better than the other subreddit with its share of dudebros banging on about not having had sex at 20...

I've no original advice. I'd say you have to find some enjoyment in the life that is currently yours. I understand you might feel every right to feel unhappy, but aside from abusive types no-one's going to want much to do with a desparately sad individual.

michael2 said:

Some ideas I could think of to help keep my mind off the subject:

- Focus on the benefits of being single, and do things that only single people can do
- Imagine how miserable a relationship would be because of how bad of a partner I would make
- Meditate on on qualities people in relationships have (confidence, good social skills, exciting lifestyle, being 'normal', etc) and understand because you are lacking these things, a relationship is not for you nor ever will be.
 

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A life without relationships is a miserable life. Psychological studies showed this,
[video=dailymotion]

Some animals arent that sociable like cats, but we are very needy for sociable life.


There is a way to shut your mind, however. I did it with played video games.

But today, I am sick of video games, so I am practically screwed.

Cats are not social. The only truly social cat is the lion, other than that they're all loners.

Sorry for intruding with anecdotes, I like animal behavior documentaries.

michael2 said:

As a realist,  I've come to understand I will never be in a relationship.  However knowing this hasn't prevented me from thinking about what I am missing out on from time to time.  

The core of issue is I was stupid enough to believe someone might have liked me a couple of years ago.  It was all in my head, of course.  Nethertheless, I went from someone who accepted the fate of forever alone to someone who suddenly had a glimmer of hope again, though this hope was essentially baseless.  Unfortunately this hope has been driving me crazy for 2 years straight.  I want to squash it,  completely, as it's done nothing but make my life miserable.  I want to go back to where I was for the last 10 or so years prior, in complete acceptance of being forever alone and it not hurting me at all.

Some ideas I could think of to help keep my mind off the subject:

- Focus on the benefits of being single, and do things that only single people can do
- Imagine how miserable a relationship would be because of how bad of a partner I would make
- Meditate on on qualities people in relationships have (confidence, good social skills, exciting lifestyle, being 'normal', etc) and understand because you are lacking these things, a relationship is not for you nor ever will be.
 
So can anyone help?  It's OK if you humiliate me, I think it would help get this silly idea of me in a relationship out of my head, for good this time hopefully.

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This is funny, but you remind me so much of a guy whom I'm crushing on at the moment. He actually thought that his coworker liked him too, but it turns out that she didn't feel that way about him. He keeps noticing girls who aren't interested in him, but he doesn't take the time to look around him and notice the girls that do like him.

I have been crushing on him for quite some time and he still hadn't noticed my feelings for him because he is too busy noticing those girls who aren't interested in him. If he continues to not notice me, someday, I might just get tired from my unrequited love situation and move on from him completely.

^ Does he really need to just guess that you like him or will you ever make an effort to tell him?

DarkSelene said:

^ Does he really need to just guess that you like him or will you ever make an effort to tell him?

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+1

DarkSelene said:

^ Does he really need to just guess that you like him or will you ever make an effort to tell him?

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Well, I have never expected him to guess that I like him. This isn't even the main point of my previous post, I was just trying to tell the OP that there might be some girls around him who secretly like him but he hadn't noticed them.

Anyway, I don't see any point why I should tell my crush about my feelings because I'm not even his "type" of girl. He has a certain "type" of girl that he is looking for, like that coworker at his workplace, she actually happens to have the traits of his ideal girl, and this is why he noticed her in the first place,
and I am just so far from his ideal girl. He is into outgoing and charismatic girls, but I'm totally the opposite of that. I'm just so socially awkward.
I don't think he is desperate enough to settle for a person like me. Confessing my feelings to him will only end up resulting in me getting rejected by him.

Also, even if I confessed my feelings and we ended up in a relationship, I'll forever feel like a second choice, he settled for me because his ideal girl isn't interested in him.

I never understood why people set themselves into a specific "types." Types don't mean honeysuckle and half the time, who they end up loving and being with is nothing like their "type."
I say go for it, ask him out. And if you feel like second choice, that would be on you, not him. Figure it out. Deal with it. Ask him out.

Prodigy said:

DarkSelene said:

^ Does he really need to just guess that you like him or will you ever make an effort to tell him?

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Well, I have never expected him to guess that I like him. This isn't even the main point of my previous post, I was just trying to tell the OP that there might be some girls around him who secretly like him but he hadn't noticed them.

Anyway, I don't see any point why I should tell my crush about my feelings because I'm not even his "type" of girl. He has a certain "type" of girl that he is looking for, like that coworker at his workplace, she actually happens to have the traits of his ideal girl, and this is why he noticed her in the first place,
and I am just so far from his ideal girl. He is into outgoing and charismatic girls, but I'm totally the opposite of that. I'm just so socially awkward.
I don't think he is desperate enough to settle for a person like me. Confessing my feelings to him will only end up resulting in me getting rejected by him.

Also, even if I confessed my feelings and we ended up in a relationship, I'll forever feel like a second choice, he settled for me because his ideal girl isn't interested in him.

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Then why were you worried about whether he notices you or not? (as per previous post)  Socially awkward guys don't have the privilege of waiting around until someone notices, let alone worrying about whether someone's settling for us.

There's no need to 'confess your feelings' in the process of asking him out for a drink/coffee/meetup. People do that, just to see if there's something there.

Well, realist and defeatist are just one step away.

Xpendable said:

Well, realist and pessimist are just one step away.

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I actually can't disagree with that statement.  BUT, there is still a difference.  Might not be a big one, but there is a line.

I'm all aware of the health benefits of spending your life with someone and I really want to have pleasant years at the end. Imagine how bad it feels to know this thing you can't resolve will also make your life shorter.

Xpendable said:

I'm all aware of the health benefits of spending your life with someone and I really want to have pleasant years at the end. Imagine how bad it feels to know this thing you can't resolve will also make your life shorter.

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Look at it this way, you won't have to go through divorce. Divorced men who remain single afterward are more likely to suffer from depression and health problems.