HangmanNoose
Active member
Within the last week or so, we moved my little cousin in with us, mostly because she needed a safe place to go, as her life has been a tragic one like mine. I fear she may have PTSD like me, altho not as extreme, I fear she has it.
But since she has been here, She has made me realize just how lonely I am, I alway's feel lonely and I always feel miserable because I have no friends and no relationship. but now things have change some. You see, I spend everyday with her. from the time she wakes up to the time she goes to bed. I was told I have to be her body gaurd do to the situation. Which is fine, hanging out with her is nice, to an extent. I never knew my cousin, I may have seen her a few times over the years, and never talked to her or got to know her or anything. Infact I was really mean to her and her 2 older brothers when they were kids. Anyway I guess I am mellowing out a little, as I find that me and her Are a lot alike. we like the same foods, music, even same interest for the most part. We just have a ton of things in common. So getting to know her has been fun, but it has also been difficult. You see it is like getting to know someone who you just met for the first time. and there lays the problem.
She is making me realize how much I miss being in a relationship. I mean she steals my fries, she rides with her feet on the dash of my truck and she does things that I miss in a relationship, So she is making me feel extremely lonely in that regard, but at the same time she is keeping me busy by taking her out places and going and doing things with her. The cool thing is she has gotten me out of my comfort Zone, for example she likes to go Swimming, I haven't been swimming in years. But the first day I got in the water with her. By the third time we went Swimming I had taken my Shirt off, and That isn't me. I hate being with out a Shirt. I am hairy and I hate people looking at me because of it. But no matter how much she is helping me in something, she is hurting me in other ways as well.
( Disclaimer: now because she is my cousin I would never do anything Sexually with her) (I am going into detail to give an idea of the Hell she is putting me through.)
But the reason for the Disclaimer is because she is creating Sexual tension, and it is making me feel even more Creepy than I usually feel. And I think she is doing it on purpose. She knows she has a Great figure. and She knows that she is attractive. But she is in some regards I think flaunting herself infront of me. ( I have other female cousins who I am close to and are very attractive, And who i have took swimming and have seen in bikini's and all but Never have they ever been like this. They never made it feel like there was any sexual tension. no matter how much I was around them.) And when I ask her questions about things for instance I asked her what her best talents are. She made it sexual. When I told her I didn't need to know that. it just makes her go even more into details. just like I told her I was going to go back driving truck most likely, She said she wanted to ride with me, and i told her it be over the road gone weeks at a time, sharing a Bed and all, that I just don't think that be a good thing, She was like so.. I don't mine I want to go with you. She tells me she hates when guys talk about their ex's when she is dating or talking to them, So I decided Why not talk baout my ex's, maybe that will help kill anything. Nope just makes her sad and she changes the subject and I honestly hate seeing her sad. I hate not seeing a Smile on her face. and just the other day she wanted to go swimming, that was fine it was hot and it was a boring day anyway. so I went to take her swimming but the water hole was flooded due to the rain a day before. So she couldn't go swimming because the current was to strong. and the water had alot of sediment. so you couldn't see where the rocks and all were. so she got her feet wet and sat in the water. she then decided to stand on a rock and make me carry her to the truck over my shoulder. so she didn't get her feet dirty from the sand. so after we leave we go up the mountain to a lake, well while we are on our way up there she puts on a shirt and takes her bikini top off. no biggy didn't think nothing of it. until we got to the lake. it was just us there and she wanted to go to the lake and look around. so she tells me she has to change back into her top, and before I could even turn my head or anything she topless in front of me changing. and the only thing she said is idc just don't stare. I didn't even look at her after that I remained respectfull after the first exposure. and turned my head and waited till she was done. but there was no warning or anything. But the first day we hung out she was extremely flirty, and even made the comment about us having sex. but it was a slip up of her meaning to say something else. but I confronted her about that because it threw me off and she just smiled and got quite and tryed not to look at me. I tryed to brush off her flirtyiness the first day has just nerves, beings she was scared of me growing up as I was mean to her. but now its not that. Every morning I am always up before her. and I sit at my desk in my room and am normally on here or some other forum doing something. but every morning when she wakes up, her Bedroom is right across from mine. so she comes to my door way and gives me a big smile and then comes in my room sits on my bed and pets my dog and just kind of lingers in my room for a few minutes before she does anything else.
She is making me think and feel things that are not right, and It's making me feel like a creep. and I am trying to balance being her cousin, and her friend, with my own Demons. and she is adding a layer of Extra Hell to it. there is a lot more I could go into that she does but they are the most biggest noticable things. I have a friend-ish back in my home state. who I talk to and I give her every little detail of what my cousin is doing, and what she is telling me is freaking me out. and I hope it isn't true. But because I am stuck in this situation, It making me even more suicidal and more Lonely. But at the same time it is also the oppisite. because I do like the Attention, I like feeling wanted and I like feeling happy.
The problem I face is I don't want her not to like me. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable around me, no matter how Uncomfortable I may feel. The life me and her have had is a lot of torture. and I want her to be able to trust me and to tell me anything. I want her to feel safe and feel loved, But it is also Messing with my loneliness in a lot of ways that I never thought would be the case when I agreed to let her live here. and Now I am kind of stuck with this situation.
Does anyone have any advise to give me. I really need help. I just want to Die because I feel so creepy. and yet I love the attention she gives me. It gives me hope that someone else could love me. its like a catch 22 I am in hell either way.
I have always been pretty good at reading people, and I have always been able to tell if a girl was cheating on me, if they sort of like me and I always could just read people like a book. and the things I am reading from ym cousin, is kind of going along of what my friend-ish is telling me. and It really bugging me. And I hate feeling like a creep. and I regret being mean to her. so I guess a part of me Doesn't ever want to be mean to her again. Because Of what she went through growing up and now with understanding what she went through plus me being mean to her, It just makes me feel worse, and I don't want to be like that again. So I am kind of feeling weird. and confused and creepy.
But since she has been here, She has made me realize just how lonely I am, I alway's feel lonely and I always feel miserable because I have no friends and no relationship. but now things have change some. You see, I spend everyday with her. from the time she wakes up to the time she goes to bed. I was told I have to be her body gaurd do to the situation. Which is fine, hanging out with her is nice, to an extent. I never knew my cousin, I may have seen her a few times over the years, and never talked to her or got to know her or anything. Infact I was really mean to her and her 2 older brothers when they were kids. Anyway I guess I am mellowing out a little, as I find that me and her Are a lot alike. we like the same foods, music, even same interest for the most part. We just have a ton of things in common. So getting to know her has been fun, but it has also been difficult. You see it is like getting to know someone who you just met for the first time. and there lays the problem.
She is making me realize how much I miss being in a relationship. I mean she steals my fries, she rides with her feet on the dash of my truck and she does things that I miss in a relationship, So she is making me feel extremely lonely in that regard, but at the same time she is keeping me busy by taking her out places and going and doing things with her. The cool thing is she has gotten me out of my comfort Zone, for example she likes to go Swimming, I haven't been swimming in years. But the first day I got in the water with her. By the third time we went Swimming I had taken my Shirt off, and That isn't me. I hate being with out a Shirt. I am hairy and I hate people looking at me because of it. But no matter how much she is helping me in something, she is hurting me in other ways as well.
( Disclaimer: now because she is my cousin I would never do anything Sexually with her) (I am going into detail to give an idea of the Hell she is putting me through.)
But the reason for the Disclaimer is because she is creating Sexual tension, and it is making me feel even more Creepy than I usually feel. And I think she is doing it on purpose. She knows she has a Great figure. and She knows that she is attractive. But she is in some regards I think flaunting herself infront of me. ( I have other female cousins who I am close to and are very attractive, And who i have took swimming and have seen in bikini's and all but Never have they ever been like this. They never made it feel like there was any sexual tension. no matter how much I was around them.) And when I ask her questions about things for instance I asked her what her best talents are. She made it sexual. When I told her I didn't need to know that. it just makes her go even more into details. just like I told her I was going to go back driving truck most likely, She said she wanted to ride with me, and i told her it be over the road gone weeks at a time, sharing a Bed and all, that I just don't think that be a good thing, She was like so.. I don't mine I want to go with you. She tells me she hates when guys talk about their ex's when she is dating or talking to them, So I decided Why not talk baout my ex's, maybe that will help kill anything. Nope just makes her sad and she changes the subject and I honestly hate seeing her sad. I hate not seeing a Smile on her face. and just the other day she wanted to go swimming, that was fine it was hot and it was a boring day anyway. so I went to take her swimming but the water hole was flooded due to the rain a day before. So she couldn't go swimming because the current was to strong. and the water had alot of sediment. so you couldn't see where the rocks and all were. so she got her feet wet and sat in the water. she then decided to stand on a rock and make me carry her to the truck over my shoulder. so she didn't get her feet dirty from the sand. so after we leave we go up the mountain to a lake, well while we are on our way up there she puts on a shirt and takes her bikini top off. no biggy didn't think nothing of it. until we got to the lake. it was just us there and she wanted to go to the lake and look around. so she tells me she has to change back into her top, and before I could even turn my head or anything she topless in front of me changing. and the only thing she said is idc just don't stare. I didn't even look at her after that I remained respectfull after the first exposure. and turned my head and waited till she was done. but there was no warning or anything. But the first day we hung out she was extremely flirty, and even made the comment about us having sex. but it was a slip up of her meaning to say something else. but I confronted her about that because it threw me off and she just smiled and got quite and tryed not to look at me. I tryed to brush off her flirtyiness the first day has just nerves, beings she was scared of me growing up as I was mean to her. but now its not that. Every morning I am always up before her. and I sit at my desk in my room and am normally on here or some other forum doing something. but every morning when she wakes up, her Bedroom is right across from mine. so she comes to my door way and gives me a big smile and then comes in my room sits on my bed and pets my dog and just kind of lingers in my room for a few minutes before she does anything else.
She is making me think and feel things that are not right, and It's making me feel like a creep. and I am trying to balance being her cousin, and her friend, with my own Demons. and she is adding a layer of Extra Hell to it. there is a lot more I could go into that she does but they are the most biggest noticable things. I have a friend-ish back in my home state. who I talk to and I give her every little detail of what my cousin is doing, and what she is telling me is freaking me out. and I hope it isn't true. But because I am stuck in this situation, It making me even more suicidal and more Lonely. But at the same time it is also the oppisite. because I do like the Attention, I like feeling wanted and I like feeling happy.
The problem I face is I don't want her not to like me. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable around me, no matter how Uncomfortable I may feel. The life me and her have had is a lot of torture. and I want her to be able to trust me and to tell me anything. I want her to feel safe and feel loved, But it is also Messing with my loneliness in a lot of ways that I never thought would be the case when I agreed to let her live here. and Now I am kind of stuck with this situation.
Does anyone have any advise to give me. I really need help. I just want to Die because I feel so creepy. and yet I love the attention she gives me. It gives me hope that someone else could love me. its like a catch 22 I am in hell either way.
I have always been pretty good at reading people, and I have always been able to tell if a girl was cheating on me, if they sort of like me and I always could just read people like a book. and the things I am reading from ym cousin, is kind of going along of what my friend-ish is telling me. and It really bugging me. And I hate feeling like a creep. and I regret being mean to her. so I guess a part of me Doesn't ever want to be mean to her again. Because Of what she went through growing up and now with understanding what she went through plus me being mean to her, It just makes me feel worse, and I don't want to be like that again. So I am kind of feeling weird. and confused and creepy.
