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PorscheGuy

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Hi Everyone,

Sorry if I'm rambling but I don't know how else to state things.  I'm a male in my mid-30's living near Toronto, Canada.  I'm married, and my wife suffered a severe spinal cord injury several years ago.  Since then she has taken great steps to move on with her life as a disabled person, but I apparently have not grown as a person along with her.  So she's not happy, and when she's not happy I'm not happy.  

I'm not sure exactly what my issues are, but here are some potentials:

-Social Anxiety Disorder
-Autism Spectrum Disorder (formerly would have been called Aspergers)
-Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
-I complain too much and don't listen enough
-I'm too negative

We were both overweight but we've both taken steps to become healthier, but while we've both become physically healthier, only she has become mentally healthier. 

Since middle school, I've had trouble making friends.  I've been kind of a loner most of my life.  I'm definitely a geek, interested in all kinds of electronic gadgets.  I also have a keen interest in cars.  I lack social etiquette, and I don't know how to improve it.  I have trouble looking people in the eye when I'm talking to them.  I can't carry a conversation very well either.  An acquaintance of my wife once asked her if I have selective mute-ism.  I don't, but I suppose people get the perception that I do. 

Anyway, just looking for a place where I can get some answers.
 
Hey PG, there I already gave you a shorthand name! hope you don't mind.

I'm sorry to hear about your wife's injury, although I can not relate I can imagine that puts a strain on any relationship, some people might find it selfish to actually admit to themselves that such a situation isn't what they signed up for, whether it is something you can handle is only for you to decide.

From what I've seen you know allot about yourself, the first step to fixing any "problem" is ofcourse acknowledging there is a problem in the first place, it seems you have done so already for a good portion if not all of them, so good for you!

As someone who spend years of his life improving himself for others, doing what is expected by society and not what makes me happy, I can certainly understand your struggle with the "self improvement", advise is something I don't like to give to anyone, but if I were to give you a point off advise it would be to make sure you improve things for your reasons and not societies.

Yadi yadi yada... welcome to ALL,
hope you have a good time, make friends and get something out off it!
 
Welcome PorscheGuy,

Don't fret about rambling. It happens to all of us and most people feel funny about talking about themselves.

Your life is tough and you certainly have some challenges to fight against. My son (23) has ASD and OCD. When you were describing yourself, it sounded like you were describing my son. I am glad to hear that you are taking steps to improve your health. That is a very good step.

The complain too much and listen too little is a very common issue for everyone. What I would recommend is that you give your wife permission to tell you to "stop what you are saying and to listen". Tell her you want to work on this and you need her help. And if your wife is the quiet type, you need to stress that you need her to speak up and help you change. However, she cannot change you. The only person that can change you, is you! You have to want to change. And change isn't easy. It takes work.

When you say you are nterested in electronic gadgets, how do you mean? Do you build them? Take them apart? Program? Network them?

Anyways, welcome to the board and if you ever want to talk about anything in particular, post it or feel free to PM me (and others, I'm sure.)
 
MisterLonely said:
Hey PG, there I already gave you a shorthand name! hope you don't mind.

I'm sorry to hear about your wife's injury, although I can not relate I can imagine that puts a strain on any relationship, some people might find it selfish to actually admit to themselves that such a situation isn't what they signed up for, whether it is something you can handle is only for you to decide.

From what I've seen you know allot about yourself, the first step to fixing any "problem" is ofcourse acknowledging there is a problem in the first place, it seems you have done so already for a good portion if not all of them, so good for you!

As someone who spend years of his life improving himself for others, doing what is expected by society and not what makes me happy, I can certainly understand your struggle with the "self improvement", advise is something I don't like to give to anyone, but if I were to give you a point off advise it would be to make sure you improve things for your reasons and not societies.

Yadi yadi yada... welcome to ALL,
hope you have a good time, make friends and get something out off it!

Thanks for the warm welcome ML!  I actually like "PG", it's fitting.  My wife's injury did put a strain on our relationship at first, but believe it or not, that is not the cause (at least not directly) of our current frustrations.  Indirectly, her injury caused her to re-think her life, and change her ways - to get into sports and become healthier, become interested in mindfulness and alternative medicines, and things of that nature.  Of course, she expects me to change my life as she has done, and I have - physically.  Now it's the mental side that needs work.  Basically I lack the ability to use and interpret social cues.  It's really something I've struggled with most of my life.  That's my biggest problem.  I'm not sure if those are things that can be learned and retained, or if it's something that's solely innate. I fear that my relationship with my wife is doomed if I don't somehow acquire the ability to use and interpret social cues.  Basically it's a quirk that my wife tolerated prior to her injury, but won't anymore.  She suggested I see a psychologist, but I'm not sure that will help.
 
Drew said:
Welcome PorscheGuy,

Don't fret about rambling. It happens to all of us and most people feel funny about talking about themselves.

Your life is tough and you certainly have some challenges to fight against. My son (23) has ASD and OCD. When you were describing yourself, it sounded like you were describing my son. I am glad to hear that you are taking steps to improve your health. That is a very good step.

The complain too much and listen too little is a very common issue for everyone. What I would recommend is that you give your wife permission to tell you to "stop what you are saying and to listen". Tell her you want to work on this and you need her help. And if your wife is the quiet type, you need to stress that you need her to speak up and help you change. However, she cannot change you. The only person that can change you, is you! You have to want to change. And change isn't easy. It takes work.

When you say you are nterested in electronic gadgets, how do you mean? Do you build them? Take them apart? Program? Network them?

Anyways, welcome to the board and if you ever want to talk about anything in particular, post it or feel free to PM me (and others, I'm sure.)
Thanks Drew!  As far as electronic gadgets, I'm just interested in computers/internet, tablets, cameras, home audio/home theater, R/C cars, cell phones, video games/consoles, basically anything electronic. 

My wife is the quiet type most of the time - until she explodes in anger.  Basically her anger at my behavior just builds and builds - she'll "let things slide" until she can't take it anymore.  I tell her we need to communicate more and she acknowledges it's something she needs to work on, as well as her anger management.  The problem is if I don't know I'm doing anything wrong, and she doesn't tell me until it's too late, how can I learn anything?  Basically I need to learn from my mistakes, but if I don't even realize that I'm making a mistake at the time I'm making it, how can I learn?  My wife's afraid that she'll be too "nit-picky" if she tells me every time I make a social mistake, because then I'll just get defensive, deflective, and complain-y.  She's tried this before and apparently that's what happened.
 
Welcome to ALL :)

First I want to say that you need to be careful and NOT use whatever labels you can attach to yourself as excuses. You have ASD, you have OCD, you have SAD. So what? All that means is you need to figure out different ways of doing things until they become comfortable and natural.
Write yourself little notes and put them in places where you typically run into trouble. Or set yourself a calendar reminder on your phone is you are out and about at speaking times, so you can be reminded of something you generally don't usually do.
Before you complain, ask yourself if you have heard everything that you needed to hear. Ask yourself if you NEED to complain. If you feel yourself about to complain, why don't you excuse yourself and do a quick cardio session or something so you have time to work that off and think for a minute.

When my son is too negative, I make him write a gratitude list. If we are somewhere we don't have paper, I make him go through the alphabet and list something good with each letter. Why don't you try that? Maybe it will help you see everything you have and focus less on the negative.
 
Good advice Callie.

PG, I understand your frustration in not being able to fix what you don't know you are doing wrong. Making a "social mistake" is very vague. Any chance you can get her to list the mistakes you make? Maybe ask your wife, tell her you want to work on these things, and ask her to name the 2 most frustrating things for her. This way if she just focuses on these two things she won't be "nit picking" everything, plus it may help her with her frustrations as she will know that you are working on getting better.

As for a psychologist... I have no idea if that will help or not, but it couldn't hurt to try. Or see if there is a book on it. That would be cheaper.
 

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