I suppose dot points is the best way to describe what's going on for me because if I start going into detail I fear I will overload the server LOL
Daughter of an emotionally abusive mother (though she hid behind the 'I'm so sweet and kind' mask that even I didn't see it until my late 20s.
Daughter of an emotionally empty father who had no love to share. I've seen him smile once, ever!
Happily married for 42 years with 2 wonderful (but busy!) adult sons and 3 grandchildren, and a daughter-in-law who I really like, but has no time for me.
Worked in office/admin jobs for 30 years which I really loved but had to move around every 4 years or so because there was *always* one other person in the office who would give me all their work, pick on me and make my life hell. Yes, I see now I was as much to blame for that, but when you've grown up hyper-vigilant to keep mother happy (*or else!*) I guess that people pleasing is what comes naturally and I never even remotely had the guts to stick up for myself.
Now I don't work any more. I spend lovely days with my husband. We get the errands done, or whatever needs doing, until around 3pm when he goes to work. And then I sit here. Do a bit of housework, sometimes some crafts, but basically stare at YouTubes until he gets home at 1am. All of the activities put on by the council etc are in the mornings. I don't want to do stuff in the mornings, and there's virtually nothing on in the evenings.
I've tried 3 different camera clubs, but all of those had the compulsory bullies in them. I've recently tried a sign language meeting but everyone is falling all over themselves to accommodate one single member, who I am convinced (based on her own actions and words) is not actually deaf and I'm sorry but that infuriates me. You don't have to be deaf to belong, but I can't tolerate someone lying about being deaf to get attention and have everyone falsely pandering to her 'needs'. Probably reminds me of having to constantly bow and scrape to my mother.
And then there's my mother-in-law who is dying. Has been for 5 years, and the incredible stress that her health is putting on the family, who were once lovely people but are now angry and intollerant, and happy to spray all that around at the least provocation. They expect my husband to be on hand for appointments that mean him only getting 5 or 6 hours sleep at night and have no thought of the late hours that we keep. Hubby and I have both reached the point where we wish she would pass because she's certainly not going to get better, and the strain of having her alive is making everyone's lives unbearable. But I'm getting into detail, and I wasn't going to do that.
So I'm desperately lonely in the evenings (though happy in the days, which I am honestly and thoroughly grateful for!), exhausted, feeling used up. I can't seem to make a friend, no matter how much I desire it. Haven't had a friend for 6 years now - not a single one other than my husband. I had to end the friendship 6 years ago as I always felt depressed for about 24 hours every time after spending time with her. She was always talking about miserable topics that majorly set off my panic disorder and took me ages to recover. I've tried some forums, but after throwing myself into hours and hours every day supporting others when they go through a hard time I never got any replies when I was going through a hard time myself, so I left each of them in turn.
I'm honestly afraid to join anything new. I say to my husband 'I wonder if I join ... how I'll stuff it up this time.' And he tells me I'm being negative. No, it's experience.
So that's about it. Thank you if anyone manages to read through all of this.
May (not Mary, it's May!)
Daughter of an emotionally abusive mother (though she hid behind the 'I'm so sweet and kind' mask that even I didn't see it until my late 20s.
Daughter of an emotionally empty father who had no love to share. I've seen him smile once, ever!
Happily married for 42 years with 2 wonderful (but busy!) adult sons and 3 grandchildren, and a daughter-in-law who I really like, but has no time for me.
Worked in office/admin jobs for 30 years which I really loved but had to move around every 4 years or so because there was *always* one other person in the office who would give me all their work, pick on me and make my life hell. Yes, I see now I was as much to blame for that, but when you've grown up hyper-vigilant to keep mother happy (*or else!*) I guess that people pleasing is what comes naturally and I never even remotely had the guts to stick up for myself.
Now I don't work any more. I spend lovely days with my husband. We get the errands done, or whatever needs doing, until around 3pm when he goes to work. And then I sit here. Do a bit of housework, sometimes some crafts, but basically stare at YouTubes until he gets home at 1am. All of the activities put on by the council etc are in the mornings. I don't want to do stuff in the mornings, and there's virtually nothing on in the evenings.
I've tried 3 different camera clubs, but all of those had the compulsory bullies in them. I've recently tried a sign language meeting but everyone is falling all over themselves to accommodate one single member, who I am convinced (based on her own actions and words) is not actually deaf and I'm sorry but that infuriates me. You don't have to be deaf to belong, but I can't tolerate someone lying about being deaf to get attention and have everyone falsely pandering to her 'needs'. Probably reminds me of having to constantly bow and scrape to my mother.
And then there's my mother-in-law who is dying. Has been for 5 years, and the incredible stress that her health is putting on the family, who were once lovely people but are now angry and intollerant, and happy to spray all that around at the least provocation. They expect my husband to be on hand for appointments that mean him only getting 5 or 6 hours sleep at night and have no thought of the late hours that we keep. Hubby and I have both reached the point where we wish she would pass because she's certainly not going to get better, and the strain of having her alive is making everyone's lives unbearable. But I'm getting into detail, and I wasn't going to do that.
So I'm desperately lonely in the evenings (though happy in the days, which I am honestly and thoroughly grateful for!), exhausted, feeling used up. I can't seem to make a friend, no matter how much I desire it. Haven't had a friend for 6 years now - not a single one other than my husband. I had to end the friendship 6 years ago as I always felt depressed for about 24 hours every time after spending time with her. She was always talking about miserable topics that majorly set off my panic disorder and took me ages to recover. I've tried some forums, but after throwing myself into hours and hours every day supporting others when they go through a hard time I never got any replies when I was going through a hard time myself, so I left each of them in turn.
I'm honestly afraid to join anything new. I say to my husband 'I wonder if I join ... how I'll stuff it up this time.' And he tells me I'm being negative. No, it's experience.
So that's about it. Thank you if anyone manages to read through all of this.
May (not Mary, it's May!)
