No relationship, drains life out of me.

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NewOrder2016

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I haven't got much energy in me to do some things that I like... or work hard from home.


If only i could have a relationship with a woman that I like, most of my problems would disappear. 

I am not even near having a girlfriend. At age of 33, you become lifeless, if you dont have a woman.

I feel so stuck and in one place, no matter what activity I take. If I dont get a woman, I am stuck in this void called 'life'.

I have been unemployed for almost a year, and that bothers me less...

No idea how long my state is going to last...



What about you? can you identify?
 
If you think getting a girlfriend will solve your problems, you aren't ready for a relationship.  Another person can't fix your issues, only you can.  
I would concentrate more on being okay with yourself and less on getting someone else to fix them.
 
I think when we get down we tend to focus on the things that are missing in our life, so the lack of a partner hurts even more.

Yeah, I can identify.  Im the same age and it really eats at me that I've gone this far into life with essentially zero relationship experience.  You start to wonder just what the hell is wrong with you that nobody gives you the time of day.  It drives you crazy.  You start to think that your ugly, boring, or any other negative trait.  And then you look around and see 'ugly and boring' people with girlfriends or wives.  And it drives you even more crazy.

It creates such a hole in you that you make the assumption if you filled the hole everything else in your life would be fixed.  But thats like having multiple gunshot wounds and thinking because you patch up the biggest one the others will go away too.

I honestly just wish I knew why I've been single for so long,  why a girl will only show interest in me once every 5 or so years.  Right now its like having horrible symptoms of some bad disease, but you dont know what the disease is or how to treat it.  It can drive you crazy.  I tried to change so much in my life to be more 'attractive'.  I bought all new clothes,  had them tailored,  traded in sweaters and hoodies for blazers and sport coats,  started wearing nice oxfords exclusively, started getting $50 haircuts...none of it made a difference.  My brother is handsome, and he has nice looking girls approach him randomly in public places and giving their number to him.  Thats how he met his current girlfriend.  Maybe Im just ugly.
 
Being loved makes you happy, your problem is not being happy; someone enters your life and loves you, that person fixes your problem.
 
michael2 said:
I think when we get down we tend to focus on the things that are missing in our life, so the lack of a partner hurts even more.

Yeah, I can identify.  Im the same age and it really eats at me that I've gone this far into life with essentially zero relationship experience.  You start to wonder just what the hell is wrong with you that nobody gives you the time of day.  It drives you crazy.  You start to think that your ugly, boring, or any other negative trait.  And then you look around and see 'ugly and boring' people with girlfriends or wives.  And it drives you even more crazy.

It creates such a hole in you that you make the assumption if you filled the hole everything else in your life would be fixed.  But thats like having multiple gunshot wounds and thinking because you patch up the biggest one the others will go away too.

I honestly just wish I knew why I've been single for so long,  why a girl will only show interest in me once every 5 or so years.  Right now its like having horrible symptoms of some bad disease, but you dont know what the disease is or how to treat it.  It can drive you crazy.  I tried to change so much in my life to be more 'attractive'.  I bought all new clothes,  had them tailored,  traded in sweaters and hoodies for blazers and sport coats,  started wearing nice oxfords exclusively, started getting $50 haircuts...none of it made a difference.  My brother is handsome, and he has nice looking girls approach him randomly in public places and giving their number to him.  Thats how he met his current girlfriend.  Maybe Im just ugly.

Yeah, you feel me, brother. I guess the other two commentators are either two women or two autistic gays. 
It is true that handsome guys get numbers faster and more often, but they are prone to end up with the wrong woman or grow old and lose the looks and the energy.
Take into account too, the fact that majority of the couples arent attractive. If you think about it, in majority of cases have you seen a beautiful woman with a handsome man or with an ugly guy.
I witnessed that in most cases an unattractive man would have a beautiful woman. The reason for that, is although attractive women have the ability to get almost any man they want.. they are not built to perform well at almost anything, and therefore end up in a relationship with some gremlin or goblin ( if you played the game or  watched the movie Warcraft).

I have two issues with expecting to have a woman. One is that the only way to get a woman is to learn how to be very manipulative. Second, is that I doubt I will get a woman, which I have met from the past. I want a more cool, warm, understanding and easy going woman. 
So I am going to follow the same old life tip,
funny-truth-modern-life-illustrations-eduardo-salles-1.jpg



No, I am joking. 
Try to develop your personality, sense of humor and social skills. 
I would get a woman fast if I was handsome... but nothing I can do at this point but work harder ;(
 
TheRealCallie said:
If you think getting a girlfriend will solve your problems, you aren't ready for a relationship.  Another person can't fix your issues, only you can.  
I would concentrate more on being okay with yourself and less on getting someone else to fix them.

Gosh would never have guessed this would come from Callie. If the main problem is having to spend life alone, without any intimacy and nobody who cares, then I you would think that a partner might at the very least solve that problem.

Knowing that no matter how hard I worked to  achieve anything, that's how I'm going to end up, makes me ambivalent.  I guess you get some satisfaction, some self-respect, but it rings a bit hollow when and epoch of loneliness stretches out ahead.
 
ardour said:
TheRealCallie said:
If you think getting a girlfriend will solve your problems, you aren't ready for a relationship.  Another person can't fix your issues, only you can.  
I would concentrate more on being okay with yourself and less on getting someone else to fix them.

Gosh would never have guessed this would come from Callie. If the main problem is having to spend life alone, without any intimacy and nobody who cares,  then I you would think that a partner might  at the very least solve that problem.

Knowing that no matter how hard I worked to  achieve anything, that's how I'm going to end up, makes me ambivalent.  I guess you get some satisfaction, some self-respect, but it rings a bit hollow when and epoch of loneliness stretches out ahead.

IF your main problem is that you don't want to spend life without a partner for intimacy and all that comes with it and you have absolutely no problem being alone other than that.  If you aren't all negative all the time, blaming others, making excuses, etc etc etc....then okay, a girlfriend will solve some problems. 

If you do have the latter issues, getting a girlfriend won't solve anything because you'll just realize that it wasn't really about getting a girlfriend.  Yeah, sure, it might help for a little while, but then you'll just go back to the way you were.  Possibly getting controlling, most likely sabotage the relationship without even being aware you are doing it.  Doing things like being jealous or doubting why she (or he) is with you. 

But hey, I'm apparently either a stupid woman or an autistic gay, so what do I know...
WTF DUDE??? (Not you, ardour) Perhaps women would respond a tiny bit more if you got a tiny bit of tack and respect....Most women I know wouldn't want to be with a guy that insults women every chance they get.   And don't even get me started on the second group of that sentence.
 
TheRealCallie said:
ardour said:
TheRealCallie said:
If you think getting a girlfriend will solve your problems, you aren't ready for a relationship.  Another person can't fix your issues, only you can.  
I would concentrate more on being okay with yourself and less on getting someone else to fix them.

Gosh would never have guessed this would come from Callie. If the main problem is having to spend life alone, without any intimacy and nobody who cares,  then I you would think that a partner might  at the very least solve that problem.

Knowing that no matter how hard I worked to  achieve anything, that's how I'm going to end up, makes me ambivalent.  I guess you get some satisfaction, some self-respect, but it rings a bit hollow when and epoch of loneliness stretches out ahead.

IF your main problem is that you don't want to spend life without a partner for intimacy and all that comes with it and you have absolutely no problem being alone other than that.  If you aren't all negative all the time, blaming others, making excuses, etc etc etc....then okay, a girlfriend will solve some problems. 

If you do have the latter issues, getting a girlfriend won't solve anything because you'll just realize that it wasn't really about getting a girlfriend.  Yeah, sure, it might help for a little while, but then you'll just go back to the way you were.  Possibly getting controlling, most likely sabotage the relationship without even being aware you are doing it.  Doing things like being jealous or doubting why she (or he) is with you. 

But hey, I'm apparently either a stupid woman or an autistic gay, so what do I know...
WTF DUDE??? (Not you, ardour) Perhaps women would respond a tiny bit more if you got a tiny bit of tack and respect....Most women I know wouldn't want to be with a guy that insults women every chance they get.   And don't even get me started on the second group of that sentence.
Yes, you are a right. A girlfriend wont solve anything.

dark-humor-comics-mike-organisciak-5.jpg
 
I'm not so sure that placing most of your good luck and happy life eggs in one basket like that is a good idea. As a woman, I wouldn't want a guy to say that he'll be problem free if only he were in a relationship. Something like that could give you happiness, but it shouldn't determine the entirety of your happiness.
 
A shame. I'm actually curious if he's been single all his life, or if he's had a few partners in his time. Reason I ask, is that I'm not that far off of his age. And I've been single all of my life. I have a fulfilling existence. Well paid job, and a large social circle. But I've always been isolated from anything intimate for, a very long list of reasons. The general consensus among both moderators, is that one only needs to focus on self fulfillment, and the right people will come by you. If not, at least you're fulfilled enough to not really need that companionship. Having reached that summit, I can tell all of you that I REALLY wished it worked like that. Past few months I've really started to crack. And I've already alienated a few people in my life......
 
Red_Wedding_Casualty said:
If not, at least you're fulfilled enough to not really need that companionship. Having reached that summit, I can tell all of you that I REALLY wished it worked like that.

I suppose it could work like that for some folks. But it's completely okay if someone feels the desire for companionship, even if they are completely fulfilled in every other aspect of their life.
 
I feel the same. I don't have an accomplished life or feel fulfilled but I've reached a decent state of personality. There are still many things I want to do and goals to achieve, but it does eat you inside to know you're not a good option to someone out there. Maybe become some kind of monk or only working in your spiritual side can make you not to desire company, but for that, you would need years of development. I don't see myself reaching that point with all the suffering in between.
 
VanillaCreme said:
I'm not so sure that placing most of your good luck and happy life eggs in one basket like that is a good idea. As a woman, I wouldn't want a guy to say that he'll be problem free if only he were in a relationship. Something like that could give you happiness, but it shouldn't determine the entirety of your happiness.



I am back!
and TheRealCallie, last time you snitch,.. I promise you!

Vanilla, you could believe a guy who doesnt care about you or a guy who plays tricks on you and hides his intent. Thats your choice to whom to believe!
 
NewOrder2016 said:
VanillaCreme said:
I'm not so sure that placing most of your good luck and happy life eggs in one basket like that is a good idea. As a woman, I wouldn't want a guy to say that he'll be problem free if only he were in a relationship. Something like that could give you happiness, but it shouldn't determine the entirety of your happiness.



I am back!
and TheRealCallie, last time you snitch,.. I promise you!

Vanilla, you could believe a guy who doesnt care about you or a guy who plays tricks on you and hides his intent. Thats your choice to whom to believe!

No one snitched on you. This is your last warning to stop your unnecessary behavior.
 
NewOrder2016 said:
TheRealCallie said:
NewOrder2016 said:
and TheRealCallie, last time you snitch,.. I promise you!

Excuse me....is that a threat?

I wish I could realize it,
600px-HeatColt654-2.jpg



Do you think I give a sh1t if I get another ban?

That's good because guess what?  It's permanent this time.  No one threatens another member.
 
The problem with people on this forum who complain about not having a relationship is that they (and anyone else agreeing with them) see only the little picture. It especially true when it comes to this thread where they believe a relationship would fix their unhappiness. What people don't realize here is that problems are usually all interconnected, a good analogy is a 1000 piece puzzle. Fixing life's problems is the same thing a putting a puzzle together - start with little things, easy things and work inward - the borders of a 1000 piece puzzle is where most people usually start, and as things progress, other pieces are touched multiple times and looked over, it becomes easier. The puzzle comes together more and more quickly.

Without writing a book, or long essay, I will just say from my own experience this works in real life. I was a mess as a teen, and really naive and socially stupid in my 20's. I had zero respect, and my body language and communication sent messages out to others that caused people to be disrespectful, sometimes mean. I was a laughing stock - ever think about being in a room and everyone is laughing at something, and then you laugh with them until you realize they are laughing at you? There is shame in that - I have a past that I'm ashamed of, or was. And when I was about 30 - 32, I had enough and really wanted to end my life.

Long story short, I withdrew from everyone and everything for ten years and went through a personal reform. I had nobody to help me, counseling really was ineffective, my problems were too deep. My reforms covered every single detail of my life - communication with others including understanding and listening skills - speaking skills, I taught myself how to use better boundaries, confronting/conflict-resolution skills. I learned how to better control and understand my emotions. I used role models as templates... I learned how to cook (and have become an excellent cook, I can gourmet cook) and adopted a healthier lifestyle. I reformed my workout routine from a strength endurance to a combination of strength, body-building, and added cardio. The workout program and eating right, has been very helpful with everything else I was doing. I ignored people and relationships during this time. I was in a toxic loveless marriage which was good. I ignored her, and focused on myself and raising my son (who now is an adult and patterns his life after my own).

How and why this all fits into this thread? Dismiss my marriage - there are people here who would say I was not unsuccessful because I was married, having sex, and whatever. I married her because I didn't think I'd ever get another chance with a woman. She was terrible to live with, and we were very incompatible. Without wasting keystrokes here, don't think being married equates with being successful with women. She was a life lesson on what not to do. Back to the point - I started small with personal reforms, like telling the truth no matter what. I realized how much I was untruthful about myself because of how ashamed I was to be naive, and being me. Instead of making excuses for my problems or weaknesses, I began to try to learn from my mistakes. Admitting when I was wrong when I had too, or admitting I didn't understand something IF I had to admit that. I adapted to a life pattern of taking responsibility for my actions and choices. I dismissed my past, and focused on changing my habits.

What I discovered was just like I mentioned above, as you fix things, other things fix themselves as you progress. Your skill levels change and your dealings with the world change, your perspective changes and as a result, other people change their perspectives of you, and their responses to you. The world responds to you, the way you interact with it and as YOU change, your world changes....for the better.

The little picture here, girlfriend relationships - at age 42, I emerged from personal reform knowing I had fixed a bunch of things. I lost most of the few friends I had due to my abrupt withdraw, that's the price for my work on myself and to this day, I have no friends, no social circle, just acquaintances. What I did change was how people treated me, how they respect me. I am strong and in a good place in life. I divorced my toxic cheating wife, and entered the dating world immediately, (she told my son how lucky I was to have her, and that I never would get a girlfriend). I found myself in the opposite situation, doing rather well in my love life. I was respected at work, and in the community. I felt so relieved and grateful to be where I was that I started a community program for children I called <kids-club> and used community service projects to teach them life skills I had learned in personal reform. I just was so grateful and inspired to teach others, young people especially so that they might gain some life tools that I didn't have at their age. To maybe help tip the scale. I ended the program this year so I could spend my weekends having fun and romancing this wonderful woman who has made my life perfect. I spent 11 years running this club - and I could write another post on the life skills I added to my toolbox doing this.

Anyway, my post is to tell you that life isn't as complicated as alot of people make it. Lonely people get so wrapped up in wanting a relationship that they don't realize that even if they were handed one, all those problems would follow them into the relationship and create a bigger problem. As you begin to fix yourself, you will have more to offer someone and will discover doors opening for you - INCLUDING the relationship dept.

The problem with people today, most people including here in this forum, don't take advice. They want to vent, they want people to vent with them, to validate their reasons for being lonely. They want to blame the other gender for being picky, not giving them a chance. Facing shame, is not an easy thing to do. I am going to tell you though, once you do it, once you fix some things.....you realize that what you were ashamed of was small potatoes. "I was frozen in life because of that???" I said this many times.

I am engaged to the most beautiful woman I have ever had the privilege of being with. She said she had a crush on me for 13 years, the year she started working with me. That was when I turned 42, when I had wrapped up my reforms..... I told her she came at a perfect time, if it had been a few years sooner, or even earlier, she wouldn't have liked me. And even now, I don't have a magnetic personality, I tend to "not get along" with others as opposed to the opposite. Yet she tells me being with me, this is the first time in her life she's truly felt safe. I am honored to provide that, something in the beginning I couldn't provide for myself.

This isn't bragging, don't take it wrong. What I'm saying, is if I can do this, ANYONE can, including yourself. It takes time, it takes determination, it takes patience.
 

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