Lifeless

Haven't posted for a while. Haven't had motivation.

Barely existing here, with chronic illness. Barely have energy to have some 'life'. And whenever I take the big effort and go out somewhere to "socialize", I feel completely alien and completely detached from the world and society. Other people have all action-packed lives and interesting stories to tell. And they have energy to live and go around and communicate and talk and spend time. Amazing. I have barely anything to say. Really, nothing.

Sick people are left alone. I understand, how old pensioners feel, when they haven't the energy to live any more and are abandoned.

However, I am not bothered to complain a lot here.
What's the point? No point.

Just typing.

Yeah.
It is what it is...

Life is really silent. Truly silent life.

I am right with you... Just hang in

When I go out to "socialize" I go to places like Buffalo Wild Wings or Starbucks. I bring a book or something to keep me occupied. I'll drink my coffee or eat my dinner and just look around or read. If it's a place that I am a regular, I'll usually sit at the bar and talk to the bartender (not on weekends, they are usually too busy.) Being around people is enough socializing for me.

Yesterday was my day off. I talked to 2 people all day. One served me brunch, the other dinner. If it weren't for work, I'm not even sure I would talk to anyone. Most of the time I have nature sounds playing in the background... ocean waves, rain, rivers, sometimes a fireplace. (No birds. Bird sounds annoy me.)

There is nothing wrong with silence. Most people are afraid of it. Except for my typing, my room is completely silent. The fan is off, no TV, no radio, there is a little background noise from the air conditioning.

The people out there flitter about and talk about shopping or sports or other meaningless things. What is it that you want? What "life" do you want to have?

Drew said:

When I go out to "socialize" I go to places like Buffalo Wild Wings or Starbucks. I bring a book or something to keep me occupied. I'll drink my coffee or eat my dinner and just look around or read. If it's a place that I am a regular, I'll usually sit at the bar and talk to the bartender (not on weekends, they are usually too busy.) Being around people is enough socializing for me.

Yesterday was my day off. I talked to 2 people all day. One served me brunch, the other dinner. If it weren't for work, I'm not even sure I would talk to anyone. Most of the time I have nature sounds playing in the background... ocean waves, rain, rivers, sometimes a fireplace. (No birds. Bird sounds annoy me.)

There is nothing wrong with silence. Most people are afraid of it. Except for my typing, my room is completely silent. The fan is off, no TV, no radio, there is a little background noise from the air conditioning.

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Sounds like a nice story.

SilentLife said:

Barely have energy to have some 'life'. And whenever I take the big effort and go out somewhere to "socialize", I feel completely alien and completely detached from the world and society. Other people have all action-packed lives and interesting stories to tell. And they have energy to live and go around and communicate and talk and spend time. Amazing. I have barely anything to say. Really, nothing.

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This is me too.  I'm not ill, but I feel low energy a lot.  I don't know.  Most things just don't excite me, mostly because I feel like I can't get anywhere no matter what I do.  I don't know how others lead these lives either, these action-packed lives and interesting stories to tell.  When is there time for that if you have to work and aren't a celebrity?  I remember the last time I had a full 8-hour a day job, the only thing I had energy at the end of the day for was drinking.  I just felt so blank.  I had no ideas in my head, no drive to do anything, no interest in anything.  I was just done, every day.  Feeling empty.  I didn't do much, wasn't interested in much, and didn't feel like much was possible for me, so I didn't have much to say either.  

I'm really not sure what more I want to do to have more of a "life". In addition to not knowing what I want to do or what I even can do, I struggle with motivation to have a "life" because I fear that it won't help me with women anyway, or that it will only help me with women I'm not attracted to, which to me would make adventuring more trouble than it's worth. If I knew adventuring wasn't going to help with women I wouldn't bother, but if I don't bother, then I almost certainly won't get anywhere with women either. I guess the only thing to do is to do it without knowing if it will be worth it or not, which I have a hard time motivating myself to do because things have tended to not go my way in the past.

I also don't even know what I would want to do, where to even begin. All I know is that I don't want to do anything "bad" because I feel like it's very risky and very pointless and unnecessary. I'd hope I can find a way to be interesting without that but I haven't come up with anything yet. I guess it depends on what I'm capable of doing, and what I can afford to do. I haven't ever really been able to afford to do much, and I also haven't really built up any skill at anything so that's another problem. I can't really do stuff like go mini-golfing, bowling, pool, go-karting, or things like that with a girl because I wouldn't be very good at them since I couldn't do them a lot since I've never really had money, so I couldn't really show a girl these things. In all likelihood, she'd be better at these things than me and I couldn't take the lead so it wouldn't help my image.

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Drew said:

The people out there flitter about and talk about shopping or sports or other meaningless things. 

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I've noticed this a lot too.  Most people really don't have much to say that interests me, so I'm not all that motivated to socialize with them.  As a result, I don't gain much experience with socialization.  It's kind of a catch-22.  Most people don't have anything to say that I want to talk about and I don't like talking to people just to talk, but when I finally do meet someone I want to talk to, I don't have enough social experience to make a good impression.

Silence is good.