Fade to Black

Tonight I went to the dam a few miles from my house. its actually a reservoir for a larger dam. anyway I layed in the bed of my truck and looked up at the stars, and listen to the rushing water flowing from the dam. So much lately has been getting to me, I feel more Alone now then I have in my entire life. My littel cousin is dating the boy down the road. and it making me feel alone, and even upset. My friend back home has been making it even more difficult in the fact she, started having an affair with her husbands bestfriend. oh but that's not all, my little cousin's older brother, sends me snapchats of Him and this girl he just met. and has to explain his sex life to me. plus, My ex after 6 years somehow still had my number. finds me on snapchat. and proceeds to talk to me, telling me how she is single and blah blah you know the rest. only to find out 2 days later she dating this dude for 2 weeks and of course Just makes me feel even more alone. oh but their is more. another Ex from about 4 years ago. who I told to delete my number decides to contact me telling me how she is in love with me and misses me and all, But She is married and She is an ex for a reason and she lives 4 hours from me. 

I think the fact that my cousin dating that guy, why it bothers me so much is because I have to see them together, See how happy they are, the fun they have, and every other detail couples do, and it gets to me, I hate seeing happy couples and I hate feeling Alone. And a part of me wants to protect her, I don't know why I don't like the boy, but Something about him bothers me. but that puts me on big brother mode and On top of that I just feel like I don't exist. 

But tonight, I tryed to talk myself into committing Suicide. I pictured my jumping off the dam, The after math of my body being found and the details of everyones reactions. but looking at the dam, I pictured jumping off. and either side would work, one side I be sucked under and spit out the other side. and the other I be pushed under water and probably snagged on a rock, or the fall could kill me if I did it right. I realized That my life doesn't really matter much, I mean after a year or so I be just a memory and after a few years I be just a person someone once knew. everyone's life would continue without me. I mean I don't have much worth in this world. My own family doesn't even acknowledge I even exist, my parents I think they just don't care anymore. they stopped really believing in me, and they certainly, are tired of me. My friends can't say I have any. The one person I talk to, Tonight she proved I don't really matter, I am just a sounding board to her. I try to tell her How I wanted to die. and she would only respond with details of her affair. Everyone else don't seem to care one way or the other. 

But I know Why I stay alone. I don't trust people. Not family or friends. I also am so socially awkward i say and do things that Piss people off or they just don't know how to take me. Plus I am a real Downer, I try to make people laugh and I try to not be a downer. But Days like today, nights like tonight. I can't hide my misery. To much of it bleeds through me and Not to many people are willing to put up with that. And I can't say I blame them for that. I don't like it myself. So I stay miserable because I am alone, with out anyone to hang out with or anyone to love. and I stay alone because I am miserable. its a catch 22 no matter how you look at it. 

And I hear the whole song and dance about how things get better, But my life history has proven that it doesn't get better. In fact for every good thing something Bad happens. After sitting down and writting out my life story. not enough good to out weigh the bad. The track recond isn't a good indication of future events. and I love hearing how you got to go out and make something happen to make it better. thats my favorite. When you are scared of people. and when you have anxieties that paralyze you from even doing simple things. going out and making things happen is like telling a 5 year old to go out and fly a plane with out any training or even any help. Trust me if I could just go out and make things happen I be doing it. I hate not working and I hate feeling worthless. and I hate not being able to do things. I hate when I try to do it, the overwhelming feeling and the exhaustion, The failure and the Pain and the numbness that all goes with it. and then the suicidal feelings that again crop up because you failed again and again and you realize that you just don't want to continue because what is the point. no one takes you serious because you don't work, you live with your parents, and you have no life. Yeah I hear that a lot. Mostly from me, but Others as well. But when you try and you try and your try. and all you have to show is the scars on your skin, and the tears in your eyes, and the deepest feeling of worthlessness you can imagine. it just becomes to much. 

As much as I want to Die, and as much as I hate my life. I still can't bring myself to commit suicide. I am a coward of doing the act. Not scared to Die, But scared of the action it takes. I guess what keeps me alive isn't so much a reason anymore. but just the conscience of life itself. Anyway Not like anyone cares, But I just had to share. I guess; I guess I just needed to let it out. to vent.

Josh,

Thank you for sharing with us. I often find when I've vented to someone that it helps. For a while I tried an online (open) journal, just so I could get what I was feeling out (I used a fake name and didn't disclose identifiable details so it would be extremely difficult to figure out who I was.)

I've read a lot of your posts. I know people with PTSD as well, but my question for you is, are you working now? I saw in another post you were thinking of driving a truck again. What is stopping you from doing that? There are different levels of PTSD and from what I've read, you are able to do quite a few activities.

Do you receive disability pay? I'm asking, because I think part of the problem is because you do live with your parents and you feel bad about it. If there is any way for you to move out, I would recommend it.

It's difficult to find people to meet with, to see and to talk too. I've not had much luck with that. The first level of friends that I have found is those with a common interest. Be it a gaming group or a hobby. I've usually been able to make a friend or two in those circles, but they aren't close friends. But they fill some of the time. You can share your common interests and talk about a few things going on. I've never gotten deep with them. Try Meetup.com and see if there are any groups you could join. Truck enthusiasts or dog groups. Just something to hang out with people.

One of my mom's sayings to me when I've been in troubled times is "this too shall pass." Sometimes the dark tunnel you find yourself in is long and you can't see hope at the end, but it is there. Hope never dies. That is what I have held on to. Hope that things will change. Hope that things will get better.

Drew

According to my Shrink I have an extreme case of PTSD, I don't actually do activities alone. I don't do anything alone. What keeps me from working is Anxieties, Fear, and my over thinking things to name a few. I try to work And I have tryed and tryed to find something I can do. and I end up having breakdowns and I shut down and its a repeating cycle. I love working, But the stress and the What ifs, and the interaction with people all close in on me and make me extremely paranoid. I won't even call on the phone someone that isn't programmed and even then it takes a little bit to work up the nerve to call. and I do not answer numbers on my phone I don't know. I have a great deal of anxieties. I have tryed a journal, but I for one have a difficult time writing anything down. and after a few days I will forget and it just never works for me. I mean I even have a hard time sharing on here.

I do recieve Disability. Although I just lost it, so I am appealing it. but Idk what will come of it. I been stressed about that as well. The problem is with my truck payments and inssurance and everything else I pay out. I can't afford my own place. and I can't live in an appartment, I tryed with an ex and I was so paraniod of the thin walls and To many people around and it put me in the hospital. but it also had to do with growing up in the country where I never saw my nieghbors or heard them. and being in an apartment it is just to busy and noisy and it works on my paranoia.

I can go out and do things with friends occasionally but I can tell you When I get home I am so drained and so tired and depressed that it works on me. it normally takes me a few days to recoup. When I do go out by myself, I am never out for very long, and I avoid High volumes of people. I am claustrophobic around people and so I tend to have to only take small doses of people.

I have been dealing with this darkness since before I was a teenager. Nothing in my life goes right. and the little victories That may instill some happiness, are small and do not even remotely affect the negative. I have a lot of false hope, Hope for me is something I try not to do, I stopped expecting for anything good, BEcause the good, only brings the bad. I can hope for the best, But i expect the worst. I am in my 30's and I have been feeling like this since my preteens, I don't think it going to pass anytime soon.

And your right, Living with my parents Does Kill me. and it torments me.

That's an awful lot of darkness for an awfully long time. I suppose it's kind of unrealistic to expect a sudden turnaround and for everything to become wonderful all by itself.
Nevertheless, your last paragraph had many statements that seem like they could be self fulfilling prophecies that serve to keep you where you're at.
Maybe the way to go is to focus on some of those "...little victories..." every single day, get used to making some kind of glad victory every day, even a little victory. Get into a habit of there being something that's OK every day....
In time you could build up a momentum of positiveness.....that can lead to more ambitious achievements.

You're 30 years old eh? Then you're fast approaching the middle of your life....not too long from now there'll be more yesterdays than tomorrows......let that sink in.

Constant Stranger

"your last paragraph had many statements that seem like they could be self fulfilling prophecies that serve to keep you where you're at."

The thing about PTSD is I don't deal with Stress easily. in fact you can say I don't deal with it at all at times. That is why it is Calls PostTraumatic STRESS Disorder. I have to many Stressors that at times trigger me and my mental state. I saw my Shrink yesterday. Kind of had too. You see it isn't so much selffulling prophacey as you say, as it is, A Lack of resouces to handle the Amount of stress That is put on me. Now feeling alone and feeling like I do and did when I wrote this Post. I feel that everyday. The Aloneness and every emotion, But as much as I deal with that despair and miserable feeling. You see it isnt so much Of me wanting to be alone. But around even a few poeple and I get claustrophobic, and I get stressed in social situations. It's harder for me to make friends then an average person, even harder to find a Woman. But it isn't because I choose it. But because of a "Post Trauma Stress" Experience that created a "Disorder" So when things get to be to Overwhelming I no longer have any resources to cope and deal with the changing stressors, and that cause's me to have to deal with even darker thoughts and darker feelings. And normal day for me is being depressed and suicidal but able to function. Where I am at in the last few weeks is not being able to function and activily suicidal. and for me being suicidal vs activily suicidal are different. To me Suicidal means I think about death and dieing, but have no impulse to do so. where as activily suicidal I have the impulse and think about it almost constantly. Which is sad really, because even a normal day for me is pretty Dark. but a bad day is beyond what you can even imagine.

You are right Even my shrinnk says I need to at least once a day find something I am thankful for to help break me out of my Darkness right now. But it isn't as simple as all that. and unfortinatly I will never have enough positives to LEad me to ambitous achievements, The best I can do is be well enough to be able to cope with Stress a little better, And maybe be able to work driving truck again, and managing the stress I face, But that is years down the road.

Don't remind me about how old I am. I think that thought everyday. and it is More depressing and it is even more of a stress factor I have to deal with. I understand you mean well but My age and my life situation and all adds a big bourdon on me that I already know.

HangmanNoose, you aren't a coward for not doing it. I think that it takes far more courage to take on your life and all of the challenges you are facing than it would be to take your own life. I think of all the times that I tried to take my own life, and I realize that I would never have had the successes I now have in life if I had actually succeeded. Have courage and take one day at a time.

I found this some years ago. Honestly, I feel this is the ideal. Every morning should be like this. Saying the things you are greatful for. Reaffirming yourself. 


[youtube]qR3rK0kZFkg[/youtube]

Thanks Wallflower.

Thanks Drew.