How to cope with the devastating consequences of social isolation?

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LondonCity2017

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Hi Everyone

Just looking for advice or a way to connect with people who may be going through what I go through. 

I live alone and don't really have any friends, have gotten to the point where I hardly leave the house. Basically I was always the kind of person who was the one on their own, even as a child. I got so used to it that it became normal for me and now I actually shun anyone who tries to make friends with me. However I'm aware that there is a primitive part of my brain that requires social interaction and yet I've been through 36 years of pain and hurt and rejection I just cant go on anymore. 

When I was younger I would attempt to engage with people, date etc but in the end people always reject me so now I am just not prepared to put myself through it anymore. I accept myself for what I am now, I've had therapy and my therapist encourages me to accept myself and build self esteem based on my uniqness rather than shame myself for it. Its hard though.

Of course, the pain of never having married or had children is the most shameful experience. Its a pain like no other... but I accept it now. the only thing I regret is that I did not accept it sooner. The world had always given me a clear signal that I was not wanted... parents, school, work situations.... and yet I still tried to  date. There were so many humiliating experiences of rejection,  why did I  put myself through it for so long? This is my biggest regret, if only I had accepted myself sooner and them maybe my self esteem wouldn't be as low as it is.

However I feel I have now turned a corner with this and no longer pursue love... but still left with the shame (god knows what my neighbors must think of me living alone like this, although outwardly I am neighborly and keep my home clean and tidy)

I am now stuck between a 'rock and a hard place', lonely and isolated yet can not leave the house anymore. 

Has anyone been through a similar experience to me? what worked? how have you coped with it? 

SSRI Medication doesn't really help me (lord knows I've tried everything) I find exercise and SAD lamp is useful and also ST Johns Wort and 5htp take the edge off of depression, but fundamentally social isolation and social rejection the problem and yet I am a loner at heart, what is a person to do? 

Please don't respond with just nasty comments under the 'guise' of constructive criticism, I'm really hurting here and that subtle kind of forum 'bullying' will only make matters worse and I see it goes on, to be honest it could send me over the edge, so I'm really humbly appealing to the kind hearted members for genuine help here. I'm not looking for a forum argument - I want to make that quite clear (I've had bad forum experiences before). Thank you.
 
Why can't you leave the house...Do you have agoraphobia or are you just too depressed or maybe somewhere in the middle?

The only advice I can give is to meet people, you can try online, maybe look on meetup.com for a group that appeals to your interests. Eventually you could start your own meetups and have them in your house, but for that to happen, I think you'll need to know some people first so they will be comfortable coming over.
You can try having only online friends, maybe see if you can find someone on forums or wherever that are local and after you get to know them, they would be inclined to come over. While I love my online friends, a person needs face to face interaction with friends at some point.
 
Honestly, if it weren't for work, I would have almost no social interaction. For most of my life, I have been a loner. I never had a problem working Christmas or New Years because I had no parties to go to or celebrate with. If my sister or parents were having a new years party at home, I would say I was going to a party at someone's house, drive to the lake, and just enjoy nature and think for a couple hours. Then return home about an hour after midnight.

My advice to you to start with, is get a dog. One of the poodle mix breeds would be perfect. One of the guys I work with has a pomapoo and I used to have a schnoodle. They are both great dogs. Small, loving, decent energy levels, but not over the top, smart and good for people with allergies. This will get you interacting with "someone" again. Plus, if you have stores like Petsmart, where you can take your pet in with you to get pet supplies, this would be great for you to take the dog. These stores also often have pet training classes and you can attend those. That will give you a chance to interact with other people as well. On a limited basis. Walking the dog, taking the dog out, to the park, all these things will get you outside and give you chances for interaction with others.

Another option would be to pick up a hobby. Can you sew? knit? crochet? You could make small things and sell them on ETSY. While most of this will be online, when you have to go get supplies, you will interact with the people at the fabric supply store. There are often sewing get togethers you could attend. Your interaction at these events is up to you. Some of the ladies there will talk your ear off if you let them. Others just focus on what ever sewing project they are doing and barely talk. All up to you.

What about planting a small garden? (I am thinking more of vegetables, rather then flowers, but what ever your hearts content.) Same concept, you grow things, when you go to the store for seeds, fertilized, garden tools, you can talk to people who know about these things and can advise you. There may be small clubs in the area that you could meet with to talk about growing whatever it is you are trying.

These ideas are geared so you have limited interaction with people, but that it will hopefully get you out of the house some. I hope it helps. I really do recommend the puppy. I think you would like that one.
 
Around 5-6 years ago I had very little social interaction in my life besides at university. Couple of things that helped me at the time were, talking to people online - I would regularly go on online chat sites and find people to talk to. I got to know a few people on there who I could talk to often and actually considered good friends at the time.

Making time for myself to do things I enjoyed on social nights - I found it hardest to deal with the social isolation on Friday and Saturday nights when I knew most other people were out having fun with freinds. To cope with it, I would set time aside to do things I really enjoyed by myself these nights. I loved playing Fifa on playstation on Friday nights and it took my mind off the isolation.

Making sure I wasn't totally isolated. I was at university at the time so that made things a little easier. But I would also go to the gym regularly so I would be around others.

Eventually I got sick of things the way they were and made the decision to turn around that part of my life. Since then social isolation has never really been a problem for me again.
 
LondonCity2017 said:
Hi Everyone

Just looking for advice or a way to connect with people who may be going through what I go through. 

I live alone and don't really have any friends, have gotten to the point where I hardly leave the house. Basically I was always the kind of person who was the one on their own, even as a child. I got so used to it that it became normal for me and now I actually shun anyone who tries to make friends with me. However I'm aware that there is a primitive part of my brain that requires social interaction and yet I've been through 36 years of pain and hurt and rejection I just cant go on anymore. 

When I was younger I would attempt to engage with people, date etc but in the end people always reject me so now I am just not prepared to put myself through it anymore. I accept myself for what I am now, I've had therapy and my therapist encourages me to accept myself and build self esteem based on my uniqness rather than shame myself for it. Its hard though.

Of course, the pain of never having married or had children is the most shameful experience. Its a pain like no other... but I accept it now. the only thing I regret is that I did not accept it sooner. The world had always given me a clear signal that I was not wanted... parents, school, work situations.... and yet I still tried to  date. There were so many humiliating experiences of rejection,  why did I  put myself through it for so long? This is my biggest regret, if only I had accepted myself sooner and them maybe my self esteem wouldn't be as low as it is.

However I feel I have now turned a corner with this and no longer pursue love... but still left with the shame (god knows what my neighbors must think of me living alone like this, although outwardly I am neighborly and keep my home clean and tidy)

I am now stuck between a 'rock and a hard place', lonely and isolated yet can not leave the house anymore. 

Has anyone been through a similar experience to me? what worked? how have you coped with it? 

SSRI Medication doesn't really help me (lord knows I've tried everything) I find exercise and SAD lamp is useful and also ST Johns Wort and 5htp take the edge off of depression, but fundamentally social isolation and social rejection the problem and yet I am a loner at heart, what is a person to do? 

Please don't respond with just nasty comments under the 'guise' of constructive criticism, I'm really hurting here and that subtle kind of forum 'bullying' will only make matters worse and I see it goes on, to be honest it could send me over the edge, so I'm really humbly appealing to the kind hearted members for genuine help here. I'm not looking for a forum argument - I want to make that quite clear (I've had bad forum experiences before). Thank you.

Being a homebody is something alot of us loners tend to do.....I "think."  I'm so anti/non social I don't have a ton of people to compare my lifestyle to, except coming online to these forums.  I remember agonizing over not having friends, wondering what was wrong with me. Time and time again, trying to break into a social circle, unsuccessfully.  I remember saying out loud, "I'll just be alone then" and it was alot like you just shared, a weight lifts.  Now I tend to use heavy boundaries with people, and I never invite people to my home. Anyone showing up feels like an intruder.
 
Hi, no nasty comments, not at all!  I hear and feel your pain.  No judgment, we each carry burdens and struggles.  Those who have posted have shown kindness and empathy.  I wish to do the same.  It is hard to step out of your comfort zone when you have been hurt or wounded.  It means taking a risk and that can be hard.  Small steps where you can experience victory may be a good start as has been suggested.  Other places to get out of the house and still feel "safe" might be the library....you can look at some books or sit at a computer but be around others, perhaps able to say hello to one or two people.  You can also go to the grocery store with a definitive list in hand but you will interact with the cashier and perhaps the person in front of you.  Meeting people online like this one is also a way to start communicating.  If you are a person of faith, you might want to visit a place of worship where you often find an abundance of love and acceptance.  Perhaps you can go out and buy a cup of coffee.  Nothing huge, nothing intimidating.  You want to heal and gain some confidence.  You can do this, you just have to be gentle with yourself.  There is NO SHAME in not being married or having children, this is not the only path in life and it is not better than a different calling.  Some people never meet the "right" one and can live a full and rich life as a single person.  Perhaps it is not preferred, but it is ok.  Take it one step at a time.  Do not beat yourself up.  Take a moment each day to look in the mirror and tell the person looking back that you are special and deserve love and happiness.  It may sound silly, but it might help a whole lot.  If you have a bad day, do not let it color all the days ahead.  Rather, just let it go and begin the next day knowing it can have a better ending.  Be good to yourself.  I wish you the best.  I wish you joy and peace and healing and strength.  You will come out on the other side of this.  Keep working with your therapist and embrace the small steps of victory.
 
i live on my own and my only friend is my ex ,i can go 4 days (my weekend) without a proper conversation but tbh getting out of the house makes me feel alot better . yesterday was really nice weather in Cornwall so i sat on my favorite beach with my dog ,quite afew people passed and said afew words maybe i will meet someone again this way.(although i domt have any self confidence any more)
today im going for a surf and a walk up a very steep hill im tintagel to keep in shape.
mt point is getting out helps
 
I'm in the same boat. I know my answer isn't much help, and I'd offer you suggestions (other than what's already been posted here) if I could, but I find that sleeping a lot helps me cope with the hurt and rejection.
 
Dude, you shouldn't feel ashamed of yourself for not getting married and having kids. Hell, if anything you're better off not getting married in today's society. I know quite a few people from my past who have had kids with women, gotten screwed over by their ex's, and now have to pay child support. If anything, thats way worse than being single.

Also, I agree with Drew, get a dog, they're called man's best friend for a reason, plus they will love you unconditionally.

Another thing in my case that helps me with my lonliness, as strange as it is, is having dolls. I have a few lifesize dolls that I talk to, and well, they help me feel alot less lonely at night. Thats just me though.
 
sbm1990 said:
Another thing in my case that helps me with my lonliness, as strange as it is, is having dolls. I have a few lifesize dolls that I talk to, and well, they help me feel alot less lonely at night. Thats just me though.

All I could think about is the movie I am Legend.
 
LondonCity2017 said:
Hi Everyone

Just looking for advice or a way to connect with people who may be going through what I go through. 

I live alone and don't really have any friends, have gotten to the point where I hardly leave the house. Basically I was always the kind of person who was the one on their own, even as a child. I got so used to it that it became normal for me and now I actually shun anyone who tries to make friends with me. However I'm aware that there is a primitive part of my brain that requires social interaction and yet I've been through 36 years of pain and hurt and rejection I just cant go on anymore. 

When I was younger I would attempt to engage with people, date etc but in the end people always reject me so now I am just not prepared to put myself through it anymore. I accept myself for what I am now, I've had therapy and my therapist encourages me to accept myself and build self esteem based on my uniqness rather than shame myself for it. Its hard though.

Of course, the pain of never having married or had children is the most shameful experience. Its a pain like no other... but I accept it now. the only thing I regret is that I did not accept it sooner. The world had always given me a clear signal that I was not wanted... parents, school, work situations.... and yet I still tried to  date. There were so many humiliating experiences of rejection,  why did I  put myself through it for so long? This is my biggest regret, if only I had accepted myself sooner and them maybe my self esteem wouldn't be as low as it is.

However I feel I have now turned a corner with this and no longer pursue love... but still left with the shame (god knows what my neighbors must think of me living alone like this, although outwardly I am neighborly and keep my home clean and tidy)

I am now stuck between a 'rock and a hard place', lonely and isolated yet can not leave the house anymore. 

Has anyone been through a similar experience to me? what worked? how have you coped with it? 

SSRI Medication doesn't really help me (lord knows I've tried everything) I find exercise and SAD lamp is useful and also ST Johns Wort and 5htp take the edge off of depression, but fundamentally social isolation and social rejection the problem and yet I am a loner at heart, what is a person to do? 

Please don't respond with just nasty comments under the 'guise' of constructive criticism, I'm really hurting here and that subtle kind of forum 'bullying' will only make matters worse and I see it goes on, to be honest it could send me over the edge, so I'm really humbly appealing to the kind hearted members for genuine help here. I'm not looking for a forum argument - I want to make that quite clear (I've had bad forum experiences before). Thank you.

Hi London,

I read your post and each word resonates with me. You're story resonates with me. I just really want to thank you for writing this because you made me feel a lot less alone. I even had the "did I write this myself?" moment. I've said some of the same exact things to myself "Why didn't i accept myself sooner?" "Why did i put all this pressure on me just to be rejected in humilating ways?" I have so many painful memories myself of rejection and embarassing moments. I always and still do feel very unwanted by the world like you said.  I wish I could offer some form of helpful advice but I wouldn't know any for I am in the same situation. All I can tell you that I sooooooooooooo relate to you.
 
The majority of my negative life experience the kind that seared into the brain, occurred before 25 when most people I came across were still behaving like cliquish arseholes.
Are you still interested in dating or do you feel that it’s way too late now? (I’m 38) I don’t have any original advice for you other than the usual hobby, community, local activist groups etc., since that’s good way to get some social interaction in manageable doses.
 
ardour said:
The majority of my negative life  experience the kind that seared into the brain, occurred before 25 when most people I came across were still behaving like cliquish arseholes.  
Are you still interested in dating or do you feel that it’s way too late now? (I’m 38)  I don’t have any original advice for you other than the usual hobby, community, local activist groups etc., since that’s  good way to get some social interaction in manageable doses.

Hi

No I don't date anymore, I can tolerate the pain and I'll be dammed if I'm gonna spend the next 36 years pursuing something that just makes me miserable.  (if I've got that many years) The advice and support everyone has given has really helped. Thanks


MissLonely79 said:
LondonCity2017 said:
Hi Everyone

Just looking for advice or a way to connect with people who may be going through what I go through. 

I live alone and don't really have any friends, have gotten to the point where I hardly leave the house. Basically I was always the kind of person who was the one on their own, even as a child. I got so used to it that it became normal for me and now I actually shun anyone who tries to make friends with me. However I'm aware that there is a primitive part of my brain that requires social interaction and yet I've been through 36 years of pain and hurt and rejection I just cant go on anymore. 

When I was younger I would attempt to engage with people, date etc but in the end people always reject me so now I am just not prepared to put myself through it anymore. I accept myself for what I am now, I've had therapy and my therapist encourages me to accept myself and build self esteem based on my uniqness rather than shame myself for it. Its hard though.

Of course, the pain of never having married or had children is the most shameful experience. Its a pain like no other... but I accept it now. the only thing I regret is that I did not accept it sooner. The world had always given me a clear signal that I was not wanted... parents, school, work situations.... and yet I still tried to  date. There were so many humiliating experiences of rejection,  why did I  put myself through it for so long? This is my biggest regret, if only I had accepted myself sooner and them maybe my self esteem wouldn't be as low as it is.

However I feel I have now turned a corner with this and no longer pursue love... but still left with the shame (god knows what my neighbors must think of me living alone like this, although outwardly I am neighborly and keep my home clean and tidy)

I am now stuck between a 'rock and a hard place', lonely and isolated yet can not leave the house anymore. 

Has anyone been through a similar experience to me? what worked? how have you coped with it? 

SSRI Medication doesn't really help me (lord knows I've tried everything) I find exercise and SAD lamp is useful and also ST Johns Wort and 5htp take the edge off of depression, but fundamentally social isolation and social rejection the problem and yet I am a loner at heart, what is a person to do? 

Please don't respond with just nasty comments under the 'guise' of constructive criticism, I'm really hurting here and that subtle kind of forum 'bullying' will only make matters worse and I see it goes on, to be honest it could send me over the edge, so I'm really humbly appealing to the kind hearted members for genuine help here. I'm not looking for a forum argument - I want to make that quite clear (I've had bad forum experiences before). Thank you.

Hi London,

I read your post and each word resonates with me. You're story resonates with me. I just really want to thank you for writing this because you made me feel a lot less alone. I even had the "did I write this myself?" moment. I've said some of the same exact things to myself "Why didn't i accept myself sooner?" "Why did i put all this pressure on me just to be rejected in humilating ways?" I have so many painful memories myself of rejection and embarassing moments. I always and still do feel very unwanted by the world like you said.  I wish I could offer some form of helpful advice but I wouldn't know any for I am in the same situation. All I can tell you that I sooooooooooooo relate to you.


You are very welcome, thank you for your support it has helped me a lot :)
 
Hi LondonCity2017, I think that getting a pet is a good idea, especially a dog - they can bring you such comfort when you need it. Also finding good places online where you can meet people who are accepting is good, like here. I hope you find some solace from you loneliness here. :)
 
LondonCity2017 said:
Hi Everyone

Just looking for advice or a way to connect with people who may be going through what I go through. 

I live alone and don't really have any friends, have gotten to the point where I hardly leave the house. Basically I was always the kind of person who was the one on their own, even as a child. I got so used to it that it became normal for me and now I actually shun anyone who tries to make friends with me. However I'm aware that there is a primitive part of my brain that requires social interaction and yet I've been through 36 years of pain and hurt and rejection I just cant go on anymore. 

When I was younger I would attempt to engage with people, date etc but in the end people always reject me so now I am just not prepared to put myself through it anymore. I accept myself for what I am now, I've had therapy and my therapist encourages me to accept myself and build self esteem based on my uniqness rather than shame myself for it. Its hard though.

Of course, the pain of never having married or had children is the most shameful experience. Its a pain like no other... but I accept it now. the only thing I regret is that I did not accept it sooner. The world had always given me a clear signal that I was not wanted... parents, school, work situations.... and yet I still tried to  date. There were so many humiliating experiences of rejection,  why did I  put myself through it for so long? This is my biggest regret, if only I had accepted myself sooner and them maybe my self esteem wouldn't be as low as it is.

However I feel I have now turned a corner with this and no longer pursue love... but still left with the shame (god knows what my neighbors must think of me living alone like this, although outwardly I am neighborly and keep my home clean and tidy)

I am now stuck between a 'rock and a hard place', lonely and isolated yet can not leave the house anymore. 

Has anyone been through a similar experience to me? what worked? how have you coped with it? 

SSRI Medication doesn't really help me (lord knows I've tried everything) I find exercise and SAD lamp is useful and also ST Johns Wort and 5htp take the edge off of depression, but fundamentally social isolation and social rejection the problem and yet I am a loner at heart, what is a person to do? 

Please don't respond with just nasty comments under the 'guise' of constructive criticism, I'm really hurting here and that subtle kind of forum 'bullying' will only make matters worse and I see it goes on, to be honest it could send me over the edge, so I'm really humbly appealing to the kind hearted members for genuine help here. I'm not looking for a forum argument - I want to make that quite clear (I've had bad forum experiences before). Thank you.

Yes I've been in a similar experience to you.  I've been a social isolate and it was normal for me but I knew it wasn't sustainable for the rest of my life without making me unacceptably psychotic or something.  I got out of it by enrolling in some structured activities:  volunteerism and community college classes.  I now have one friend....of the opposite sex and it's a romance too.....sort of....but it's a big deal for me.  And there are a few other  regular social interactions deriving from the volunteering and community college.  It's an artificial rather than a spontaneous sociality.....but it works for me.   Is any of this seem relevant to your situation?
 

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