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Very awkward/uncomfortable family relationships

  1. Well its been like this for as long as I can remember, theres no intimacy at all and don't say try being intimate because its more painful than it is comforting. I think its just the way we were raised, and have such awkward/painful relationships with eachother and parents. Like sure, we can have nice small talk and talk about work and school and stuff but it doesn't get any deeper than that. Also the way we talk is so limited, and like a broken mix between our languages so I cant really ever be fluent or express myself at all.. everythings trapped inside. There's my mum whos the most negative person ever, like sure I have the unconditional love that every son does but i just get shouted at and judged for every action, and I know nothings ever gonna change that. I always have to witness my parents arguing whenever they try talking in any situation on any matter. and then there's my older sister who's the epitome of disrespect and rebellion. she does things no parents would want their daughter to do, and stresses them out so much and the only talking i ever hear at home is something negative and what they don't realize is I'm here in the background trying to succeed in my already stressful A -Levels and having to witness all this crap. Theres my brother, who gets a kick out of mocking and annoying me 24/7 and laughs at whoever shows an ounce of emotion, or anything sentimental. In fact, it's like they're all immune to emotion. My only escape from this atm is school where I can actually be myself. I really dont know what to do about these painful, and irreversiblly awkward relationships. i dont know how to get through this until I get married or move out which there's still years left for.Im sorry for ranting, this is literally the only time I've tried expressing this in my life, so I'm hoping for some genuine advice on how I could get through this without it affecting my grades and future :'pIm also sorry for the lack of eloquence in my writing, Im just trying to type out my thoughts
I can somewhat relate to what you are saying. I am sure your parents, your brother & sister love you very much. Sometimes people just don't know how to express affection & love because they are not used to it. It may have something to do culture, environment and the way your parents were brought up. I say this with no judgement or criticism. When I was younger, I used to wonder about those 'shouting matches', & harsh criticism & judgement. Long story short, the change took place after I cried out to God, our Creator and poured my heart out to Him. Later, I understand the true meaning of forgiveness. God can forgive us for all our sins, likewise we are to forgive others. I have become a happier person after I learned to forgive, and release all my resentment & anger.
Every morning you see the sun rises and you get to rise, remember that is God saying He believes in you, He believes in the story He is writing through you. God's mercies are new every morning.
I pray you will find love, peace & joy.
Try not to let any toxic messages become your own inner voice that you'll carry around for the rest of your life. Live for and prepare for your own better future.
It bears repeating....try not to become what it is you're objecting to.
Be here now.

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