Loneliness is a state of mind

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

JohnWayne_Duke

New member
Joined
Oct 21, 2017
Messages
2
Reaction score
0
I am at a stage in my life (mid 50's) that i really dont need or want a relationship anymore.  It would not serve a purpose as i dont need to talk, i am not looking for sex, and any other involvement would just bring undesired complexity and drama to my life for which i am just not interested.  I have not dated for over 13 years and just really have no desire to, there is no place in my life or my environment for anyone in that regard. 


Now at first yes this was hard for me but what made it better many years ago is that i realized that loneliness is a state of mind and we can blame society for that.   Society as a whole has set the mark that you are less than normal if you dont have a relationship and much like the "white picket fences" view of success that many of us were brainwashed to believe, this is just not true.  


The truth is you are the same person with or without someone, being with someone does not make you a better person, it does not make you more special, or more wealthy, that is all brainwashing that you must get out of your head.   You are in fact special just the way you are!!


So with that said just enjoy your life, dont dwell on the fact that your lonely.  Instead focus on the fact that you are lucky as hell not to have all the drama and BS that comes with relationships now days, and be thankfull of that.   Be confident in your life, do what you want to do, when you want to do it.  And if you dont want to do a darn thing and sit and watch TV then do that too.   

Don't buy into the falsehood of what society sets as the standard because the bottom line is that life is not fair.  If you fall into the pit of comparing yourself to others then you will be dissapointed most of the time.   There is no rhyme or reason why one person succeeds in relationships and one does not (given the same data), thats just the twisted fate of life and there is no way to calculate that.  

So be the best person you can be for noone else "but you" and be happy.  Once you are able to change the way you think and feel about things then you will be much happier spending time with yourself. 

I hope this helps!!
 
Thanks for sharing your insight.

Certainly, trying to find your value or happiness from someone else is a very dangerous thing. No one can ever be that for you. They might fill the "hole" for a short time, but that will pass. As you said, "noone else 'but you'" can make you happy.
 
You've stated your opinions of society's expectations very ably, John Wayne, and thank you for the help.
I'm interested in hearing what you're looking for on this forum.
 
Thank you both for your replies.  

As to the question of what i may be looking for here, it is just to try to help others.  

I wanted to share some thoughts from someone who has been through all the "why me", "whats wrong with me", "whats wrong with them", "why do i feel lonely" process and let them see that all the time they have spent doubting themselves and stressing over something like this is such a waste of their time and energy.  If i had just taken all those years of chasing "the dream" and "a partner" and spent that time learning to love myself and having fun by myself OMG i could have saved so many years of stress and worthless worry over nothing.  I hope to maybe save someone from that torture.
 
Thank you Duke.

I've struggled a lot with these issues and those same questions for most of my 20s so far. Now that my 20s are starting to come to a close and my life is picking up serious positive momentum I'm starting to understand the same things you've mentioned. 

I'm still not 100% perfect at realizing it at all times and the negative thoughts and questions still come. The difference is nowadays I'm more likely to be able to control them and prevent them from spiraling out of control.

Another difference is I've now dealt with enough people to know that most people aren't honeysuckle either =p.I was incredibly naive entering adulthood and trusted others and gave people way too much benefit of the doubt and I've hopefully learned from my mistakes. Gave my best. At least I can definitely say I'm not a doormat as I do tend to call honeysuckle out and stick up for myself when needed. 

Gone through a lot of energy vampires, attention whores, liars, time wasters, and two faced people. Definitely not worth the energy I've invested into most of them. They know it. I now know it. There are a few rare genuine people though. I've been really lucky to have them. Maybe its just a requirement to go through all of the bad to find the few worth sticking with. 

Lately now that things are improving a lot for me and the future is looking super bright I've started to prioritize my freedom a lot more. I'm actually somewhat grateful to not be tied down when I see the compromises my friends have to make for their SO's.

It does get lonely though sometimes when you're lacking that deep intimate/meaningful connection. Maybe I'm just romanticizing it. I honestly wonder sometimes if the compromise of freedom is actually worth it. Maybe some day I'll find out.

So yup, thank you for the reminders. It can really help to remember those things for when the negative thoughts creep in.
 
Yes we avoid having to constantly worry about whether another person is happy, dramas, 'testing' of our masculinity, relationship breakdown/divorce and so on. All the stress that comes with that, plus greater personal freedom obviously. It's easy to see the pluses of being single.

I guess I'd prefer to have been able to find some of this out for myself though, make an informed choice about it rather than have the choice effectively made for me.

Anyway... thanks.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top