Is loneliness a choice or I'm set up that way?

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Eliraven

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I'm going to talk about my case and perspective.

Ever since I was little I didn't like to socialize or be around people way too long, yet I'm a person that can get along with almost everybody. I'm still in contact with old friends, have made some new ones but the amount of friends I can count them with my fingers, is not a lot. But the thing is, my old friends and I maybe talk once or twice a year and every time they said about going out I either make up an excuse change the subject or stop talking :(. I mean i want to see them and I will love to go out with them, but then I automatically reject the idea. Same thing we new friends and people in general. Is like I feel trapped if I spend too much time going out and socializing with people, my body starts demanding to have alone time. Is like I'm addicted to it. There is so much socializing I can take before I become too bored, too exhausted and I want to be by myself. All of this happens with my family as well. My family is very socializing and they keep in touch with everybody, except me. I'm very different from my family. I might talk to them on birthdays or if I go to their houses or if they come to mine, and the conversations are very superficial. The friends I have are very much like me and I feel I can share with them anything, yet is still not enough for me to interact with them every once in a while. I don't consider myself a lonely person, i just LOVE being alone.

But yet they are slightly very very few moments where I feel alone, and I want to have someone that understands me and that I can share my loneliness with. I don't know if this doesn't make sense. Like we don't have to talk or do the same thing. Just feel like there is a presence next to me.

Is very hard dealing with family, they really don't understand me and don't do the effort to do so, maybe cause I'm so close. But then the few times I have open myself is like if I'm talking in Chinese. We don't see life the same way, we don't have the same onions, share nothing in common, etc.  And is mentally draining faking to understand them and be part of them. I have tried too many times already.

But then I wonder, yes I'm still young and I'm very independent myself, but I'm afraid the way I am will turn people away. For example, if one day I'm old or I get sick and will be unable to do things on my own I feel like I will have no family or friends that will sympathize enough to be with me, cause again relationships are created by sharing, socializing, helping one another, talking, spending time together. But I feel like my family doesn't love in the sense that we have a relationship both ways, is more like I'm the cousin, sister, nephew , etc. And my friends keep with me because they are somewhat like me.

People said Im too young and I still have a lot of time left and I could do something about it. But, is so hard to control the feeling of wanting to be alone (not lonely) all the time. My family is too superficial and my friends they have partners, kids and other friends.

I sometimes feel like I'm sabotaging myself all the time, and I should fight more to establish a relationship, but even sometimes when I do people don't take me that serious cause I'm not like that.

Sometimes, this lead me to believe the wanting for being alone is a choice of me and I got accustomed to it.Any suggestions? How have you tried to overcome loneliness.

I'm afraid I will be alone in my worst moments, and I will have no one genuine being next to me.
 
I saw you said that you are alone, not lonely.  That doesn't go with the title as loneliness is wanting to be with people but either can't or won't.  So I guess my first question is are you lonely or do you just not want to be around people and are content by yourself?

Honestly, it sounds to me like you might be using it as an excuse.  I don't know why and I won't even guess.  You said you would love to go out with friends, but basically make excuses not to.  Why?  What about having people over to your place, do you do that?
You shouldn't change who you are, if that's the way you are.  If they care about you, it won't matter if you go out with them or not.
 
Thank you Callie, I think I haven't realize something about me until you pointed out. Thanks
 
I used to be like you until my mid 20s.

It was horrible. I saw everyone socializing, but, I thought to myself, why to socialize, it doesnt make me feel better, why do you I need it?!!

I used to relief stress by playing video games, watching youtube, reading books and surging the net. Today that doesnt help.

But then the loneliness fired back at me. I lost many good potential relationships, memories and lack social skills (that I know need right now).

In addition to that, my loneliness since relatively a young age, led to an eccentric behavior and then to lack of personality, which then led to me being bullied often and quite successful. I got hurt on a few occasions by merciless individuals who found me as an easy target.

Living your 30s alone is 10 times harder than living your 20s. When you reach your 30s, you already have a a clear idea how your life would unfold. Thats also why most people have their mid life crisis in their 30s. You are tired of the things such as leisure activities you did in your 20s, and kind of panic if you havent achieved something that you wanted.
In your 30s you feel more depression but less anxiety than you felt in your 20s.

I love you, Eliraven. Being a woman in this world is much easier than being a man. You dont have to play different roles in life and play them well. It is the mans job.
 
DanMann said:
Living your 30s alone is 10 times harder than living your 20s. When you reach your 30s, you already have a a clear idea how your life would unfold. Thats also why most people have their mid life crisis in their 30s. You are tired of the things such as leisure activities you did in your 20s, and kind of panic if you havent achieved something that you wanted.
In your 30s you feel more depression but less anxiety than you felt in your 20s.

I love you, Eliraven. Being a woman in this world is much easier than being a man. You dont have to play different roles in life and play them well. It is the mans job.

Midlife crises occur in the 40's, not the 30's. 

It is NOT easier being a woman in this world.  I don't know where you got that idea, but it's NOT true. We all have our burdens and problems, it doesn't matter what gender you are.
 
Same here, instead of investing time in others I escaped into video games, movies and music during my early-mid 20s. A lot of people were arseholes at that age, but there would have been some who weren't. Now those things I once enjoyed barely function as a distraction any more.
 




ardour said:
Same here, instead of investing time in others  I escaped into video games, movies and music during my early-mid 20s. A lot of people were arseholes at that age, but there would have been some who weren't.  Now those things I once enjoyed barely function as a distraction any more.



Mmmmm.. Thank you for letting me know how it feels down the road. Is true you do find some hidden gem, we just have to be patience and don't let these arseholes people take us down.

I remember the beginning of these year when I had my chem lecture and lab, my lab partner I barely made conversation with her unless it was necessary about the lab. She was also on my lecture I realized it half way through the semester. I pretty much ignored her all the time. And today she is a dear friend of mine who I love deeply. She pretty much told me at the beginning I look unapproachable and she thought sometimes I was too harsh on her (not friendly at all), but I'm glad we made it work. And now she is a dear friend, who I still talk to almost everyday.
 
TheRealCallie said:
DanMann said:
Living your 30s alone is 10 times harder than living your 20s. When you reach your 30s, you already have a a clear idea how your life would unfold. Thats also why most people have their mid life crisis in their 30s. You are tired of the things such as leisure activities you did in your 20s, and kind of panic if you havent achieved something that you wanted.
In your 30s you feel more depression but less anxiety than you felt in your 20s.

I love you, Eliraven. Being a woman in this world is much easier than being a man. You dont have to play different roles in life and play them well. It is the mans job.

Midlife crises occur in the 40's, not the 30's. 

It is NOT easier being a woman in this world.  I don't know where you got that idea, but it's NOT true. We all have our burdens and problems, it doesn't matter what gender you are.

Well, that depends on the persons intelligence.
The lower his intelligence the later it would occur.
 
I am sorry if I missed it, but have you further examined your feelings by seeing a professional?  I am not a pro, but your description screams a social issue and will not be solved through public forums etc.  Do you have the resources to secure a therapist?  There are programs available through most workplaces, employee assistance programs, and there are community resources too.  You’re reaching out, this is a fantastic step, keep going, sharing your life with someone or a group of people is beyond rewarding…it is satisfying, addicting, and filled with joy [don’t get me wrong, more people, more variables also brings more issues, but the reward outweighs the sorrow!].  YOU have to make the first move, get help, get better, and get involved!  Did I miss the mark?
 
DanMann said:
I used to be like you until my mid 20s.

It was horrible. I saw everyone socializing, but, I thought to myself, why to socialize, it doesnt make me feel better, why do you I need it?!!

I used to relief stress by playing video games, watching youtube, reading books and surging the net. Today that doesnt help.

But then the loneliness fired back at me. I lost many good potential relationships, memories and lack social skills (that I know need right now).

In addition to that, my loneliness since relatively a young age, led to an eccentric behavior and then to lack of personality, which then led to me being bullied often and quite successful. I got hurt on a few occasions by merciless individuals who found me as an easy target.

Living your 30s alone is 10 times harder than living your 20s. When you reach your 30s, you already have a a clear idea how your life would unfold. Thats also why most people have their mid life crisis in their 30s. You are tired of the things such as leisure activities you did in your 20s, and kind of panic if you havent achieved something that you wanted.
In your 30s you feel more depression but less anxiety than you felt in your 20s.
Hi, wow your story sounds so much like mine. I'm also recently in my 30's and I'm only now realizing I avoided socializing that I should not have. I lack good social skills and tried getting deeply involved in various hobbies like video games, youtube , tech diy projects etc. and I find today that it doesn't help as much as it used to. I feel like I'm avoiding the problem and I'm looking for something to help me single/lonely wise until I can get myself to the point where I feel good enough to try dating again. 
Everytime I complain that I didn't lose weight with a year of exercise , people always remind me that losing weight isn't easy or fast so I know that it would take years of work, at this point I'm not confident it will be worth it because even if I get fit I don't know how to talk to girls ( I've only had one long 5 year relationship that a friend helped me with).
 
I can only speak of personal experience, I don't know how much will help or how much is actually useful.
I've been alone for a long time now. 10 years single. That's after being in a couple, with different women, since I was about 15. Longest one lasting about 4 years.
I can honestly say I appreciate being single, and alone, more than being in a couple. Difference being I don't find excuses to not be around friends; I tell them I don't want to be and they understand that. We don't see each other often, but we don't need to; if I call François this afternoon and go meet him, it,ll be like I just went to the supermarket and back, because that's the friends I chose. I have maybe 3. That's enough for me.
I'm very close to my family too. Family is all we got in this world, which is why I don't have much friends. I'd rather be with family than people who don't know me completely.

I personally think being alone is an advantage if you make it such. The disadvantages, you said it, is that your worst moments are going to happen with you being alone. That's true, I'm having mine right now.
I also thing going through it teaches you you don't need anyone unless you really want to. That's a choice you can make. After all is said and done, that hard moment, no matter how hard it is or how long it last, I'll have lived through it. That makes me a stronger person, because "That which does not kill us, makes us stronger". At least that's my story and I'm running with it.

My advice is to not ask yourself so many questions and concentrate on what you enjoy doing. If you miss company, find some. You know the ways. If you don't, learn to enjoy yourself without wondering what everyone else thinks about it. I might be alone and people might think it ain't normal or something, but when I see how complex and weird and screwed up their lives are, I get it.
I wouldn't live differently. If they don't agree with that, well that's their problem.
 

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