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Flirting doesn't seem to mean anything?
#1
Hey lads and lassies. An obligatory bi-yearly "I don't understand dating" post by TSM. I hope I find you all well Wink

Soooo I've been on lots of dates the last couple of years. And I've heard the refrain lots now that "Women aren't hard to understand, you just have to pay attention and listen."

Well, I'm going to call nonsense on that. And this isn't just a rant on girls, I'm sure guys are equally insane and hard to read. But my goodness, I've paid plenty of attention and 90% of the behaviour girls show me just totally leaves me confused (and usually nursing a battered ego).

Part 1: Girls who blatantly, utterly seem to fancy me...don't?

I'm not easily lead into flirtation. I tend to regard things as friendly unless a girl is rather forward. So imagine my surprise when last year a female friend of mine came and sat with me in a bar, and casually put her hand on my thigh. We were all a bit tipsy, I found her attractive and I started flirting quite heavily with her.

Anyway in the end we were literally snuggled up together on a sofa and I kissed her forehead. Her friends all shot her a weird look and I felt a bit worried I'd gone too far.

Well actually it turned out it was a look of encouragement. After she'd left they all excitedly told me she's fancied me for a year and they started encouraging me to keep going. So I did.

We met up in a group a few times over a couple of weeks and each time had great fun. She was always super flirty with me, and her friends kept egging me on. So on the same evening she'd been joking about "stripping off" with me, I gave her my number and then asked her out for dinner.

"Yeah, I'm not dating right now. I'm not over my ex."

I...er...okay, I guess? I mean, if a girl doesn't want to date me, that's totally cool. But then...why flirt like crazy with me for 2 weeks? Why have your friends you live with telling me to ask you out? Whaaaaaa...? o_0


This has happened a bunch of times (though this was the most blatant) and it's got to the point where a girl could literally get naked in front of me alone and I still wouldn't buy that she's into me. And I'm not even kidding. It's totally annihilated my confidence in understanding when people find me attractive Club

Part 2: Girls who know I'm single talk to me about "hot" guys they barely know and lament being single.

Perhaps this is a classic "friend-zone" thing but again it's driving me crazy. I'll be around a girl I fancy and I've known for say, a year, and she's got out of a relationship (which is why I never asked her out) or has brought up how she's single. We'll be hanging out and she'll start talking about this cute guy at the bar or at work today and how ultra hot he is and how she's tired of being single.

Cool, I guess? Go talk to the cute guy at the bar/work/blah instead of me, then?

Again, I honestly can't tell if this is a "girls trying to make me jealous" thing or a "girls have zero interest and literally see me as another girl". The latter thought makes me feel completely emasculated and generally crappy. The former is just irritating.

If I'm talking to a girl, even if I don't fancy her, I don't start talking about how I want to smash the daylights out of the hottie sitting behind her. It's just crass and impolite IMO. Yet I've been out for a testing-the-waters coffee or even dinner with a girl and she's started telling me about "how hot that guy at the back of the room is". It perplexes me. What kind of reaction does she even want?

I've even had a friend-girl tell me (back when I was fairly buff) that she wishes she could get "a big guy who works out". Again, I find that confusing. Am I meant to take it as a hint (which seems very arrogant of me, because I'm not Arnie Schwarz), or am I just getting baited into being a surrogate girlfriend again? Because advising women you like on what other guys they should be having sex with feels really shitty, take it from me...!

What do you guys think? How do you normally see these kinds of confusing behaviours? Is it just me being socially inept? Would love some thoughts Smile
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things...and no good thing ever dies."
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#2
Could be you might be confusing politeness and friendliness with flirting. I've been on that end before, girls mistaking me just being friendly with flirting or hitting on them. I get "you know I have a boyfriend/married", which leaves me wondering what the heck they could have mistaken for me flirting with them. Just because you are single doesn't mean you are instantly hitting or flirting with everyone you open your mouth up to. And when you shut them down that you are not flirting they act all insulted because you're not.

Me, I can never tell when someone is flirting with me, it just goes way over my head. I had a girl once tell me she had a Catwoman tattoo in a place she couldn't show me in public. Stupid me just laughed.
_______________________________________________________________________
Sickos never scare me. Least they're committed.  
Never Give Up!  Never Surrender!

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#3
Part 1 sounds like attention seeking. If she wasn't over her ex she might have been looking for a temporary ego boost.You probably seemed like safe non-threatening guy to get that attention from; someone she knew wasn't going to react badly over the rejection. Apparently that's quite common.

There is a more depressing explanation: She was initially interested, wanted to know what you might be like as a boyfriend, then decided against. It's easier to reject someone before it gets to the point of being a mutually undertood 'dating' situation.

As for part 2, I think it's just a lack of consideration from immature people.
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#4
Quite a few people have said I was flirty, but I never noticed or realized I was being flirty. This obviously isn't the answer to every situation, but maybe they don't know they're coming off as being flirty, or that you think they are being flirty. I know for me, I never mean to be. I never even attempt to flirt because I know it'll never work for me.
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#5
(11-09-2017, 09:58 AM)ardour Wrote: As for part 2, I think it's just a lack of consideration from immature people.

I'm not sure. I've gotten part 2 from pretty much every woman I've ever gotten close to. Romantic interest or not. Hopefully that doesn't mean ALL women are immature and lack consideration =P. It is pretty annoying/ emasculating though like TSM said. 

Interestingly whenever I do return the favor and mention some other girl that I'm interested in I suddenly get the "well then why don't you go talk to so and so" attitude. *shrugs* Can't win sometimes.
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#6
Well I guess they could have been looking for a reaction, assuming that coffee/dinner was understood as a date and not just a meetup with a friend. If so it's incredibly rude and I'd have been tempted to leave.
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#7
Hiya, TSM. As well as the first half of the year.

(11-09-2017, 07:03 AM)TheSolitaryMan Wrote: I'm sure guys are equally insane 

Yes.

(11-09-2017, 07:03 AM)TheSolitaryMan Wrote: and hard to read.

No.

I do see what's confusing. People can act the same if they like someone and want to date... or if they just want the feeling of a crush, but without having to open their heart, get closer to anyone, etc. 

As others have said, the definition of flirting can vary. I think at one point there were studies showing that men tended towards overestimating interest and women towards underestimating it. Plenty of people think a waiter or waitress' friendliness is flirtatious, when they're paid to smile and chat to customers. Or that friends who are interested romantically actually aren't.

Sometimes people talk just to be talking, and maybe don't realize how what they're saying comes off. I don't know the women you know, so they might be dropping hints. Some people take a funny way of going about expressing their feelings.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
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#8
I don't know why people are pushing the bizarre idea here that SolitaryMan was misinterpreting friendliness. The girl in 'part 1' was obviously flirting with him.

(11-09-2017, 04:11 PM)Tealeaf Wrote: I do see what's confusing. People can act the same if they like someone and want to date... or if they just want the feeling of a crush, but without having to open their heart, get closer to anyone, etc.

Use someone who's not going to be aware that that's what's happening, and is thus likely to get their hopes up. It's a shitty thing to do.
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#9
(11-09-2017, 04:51 PM)ardour Wrote: I don't know why people are pushing the bizarre idea here that SolitaryMan was misinterpreting friendliness. The girl in 'part 1' was obviously flirting with him.

(11-09-2017, 04:11 PM)Tealeaf Wrote: I do see what's confusing. People can act the same if they like someone and want to date... or if they just want the feeling of a crush, but without having to open their heart, get closer to anyone, etc.

Use someone who's not going to be aware that that's what's happening, and is thus likely to get their hopes up.  It's a shitty thing to do.

Of course it's simple and not confusing to a member of the gender that typically doesn't have to actually do the approaching and try to interpret these signs properly before making a move.  Toungue

You know what's simple and not confusing? When a guy likes you and asks you out.  Big Grin
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#10
(11-10-2017, 02:45 AM)kamya Wrote:
(11-09-2017, 04:51 PM)ardour Wrote: I don't know why people are pushing the bizarre idea here that SolitaryMan was misinterpreting friendliness. The girl in 'part 1' was obviously flirting with him.

(11-09-2017, 04:11 PM)Tealeaf Wrote: I do see what's confusing. People can act the same if they like someone and want to date... or if they just want the feeling of a crush, but without having to open their heart, get closer to anyone, etc.

Use someone who's not going to be aware that that's what's happening, and is thus likely to get their hopes up.  It's a shitty thing to do.

Of course it's simple and not confusing to a member of the gender that typically doesn't have to actually do the approaching and try to interpret these signs properly before making a move.  Toungue

You know what's simple and not confusing? When a guy likes you and asks you out.  Big Grin

If that's how you want to read things and what you want to contribute to TSM's thread, sure.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
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