littlefish1555 said:
This dark place where you're isolated and hating everybody and life is honeysuckle can be forever, but it can be temporary too, like a bad too-long dream, and yeah, cheesy or not, that's up to you. People reminding you that you are responsible to other people whether you like it or not, isn't them being trite, it's them being real and trying to help you get real and see outside of yourself, which from your posts it doesn't seem like you can right now, and that's ok. It's where you're at for the moment for whatever reasons, chemical, situational or a combo. It's not where you're forever meant to stay, even if it feels that way in your deep apathy right now. It isn't written in stone for you to have to be destroyed by your depression. You speak like a defeatist probably to protect yourself from feeling any more disappointment. I get that. I have that, but it makes your life one big self fulfilling prophecy of honeysuckle, and for what? There's some self flagellation going on in depression that I haven't figured out yet, but so many potentially good lives get retarded and stunted by negative thoughts and beliefs and it feels really wasteful.
IMO it's also ok to be be mad at the world/parents for not helping you more for a while, but what are you going to do when you're done being mad?
What is wrong with choosing a vocation of service to others because you can't figure out anything better to do? What is wrong with getting medicated and forcing yourself out the door into something weird and new? What is wrong with forcing yourself to believe that you have value in this world whatever you do or don't do?
I get that maybe it's embarrassing to you to still have your mom give you money, but what's wrong with being thankful that you have a parent still able and willing to help you out?
And what exactly is preventing your hope besides your depression? WHY can't you EVER get a girlfriend? You sound like you are someone who feels things very deeply, and I think that is a very special quality in a person. Also, you're only 32. You have time to change things in the prime of your life. People want to be around people who make their lives better and bring good things to the table along with whatever crap baggage they also have. Crap baggage can be funny anecdotes or sources of great wisdom in your relationships once you stop suffering in the past.
What do you think are the good things about yourself that you bring to the table? Is it so terrible to have to think of good things or possibility?
Thanks for letting me ramble and hope you take care of yourself today and find some things you enjoy.
The problem for me, and the thing that your post unfortunately misses, is that there IS no "end" to this feeling for me. I've been dealing with it for over two decades to varying degrees, and since losing my grandfather in 2013 (the most important person in my life, even beyond my parents), it's just been a downward spiral into new depths. I have nothing and no one in my life, really. I have one (1) friend who I never see and only occasionally talk to, not only because of distance but because he has another group of friends that he spends most of his time with, and who I don't fit in with. I'm hopeless at making new friends, either on or offline. I get along with people great, but I just am never able to make that connection to actually become friends. I literally don't know how. I'm not sure if I ever did, really, and maybe I just lucked into the friends I used to have (mostly online). But they've all faded away in the past 5 years.
As for what's preventing my hope? The fact that nothing ever changes for the better for me. If I get hopeful about something, it's quickly snatched away. Nothing works out, plans always fall through, people lose interest, whatever needs to happen to make something fail, happens, outside of my control. This has happened an excessive amount in the past 6 years, and it has caused me to literally lose all hope for the future, out of necessity (because if I have hope for the future, that future won't be). Nothing good happens, nothing good CAN happen, nothing good WILL happen. If you want to convince me otherwise, then make something good happen for me, go out of your way to do it. But you won't. No one will. And I can't, because if I try, I get slapped down and made to feel even worse than I did before I bothered trying.
You're right in that I'm a very empathetic person by nature, and I always have been. But the lack of reciprocation from other people in terms of kindness and friendship is rotting me to the core. More and more these days, rather than being hurt by the suffering of others because I feel so bad for them, I actually enjoy that other people are suffering. I think to myself that I'm glad they're miserable. At least I'm not alone in my misery. I'm sick of other people getting to experience all the things I wish I could, so it's good that bad things happen that disrupt their happiness. I don't feel like that all of the time, but I do feel like that more and more recently than in the past. And it's the opposite of how I'd feel and act if I was actually happy, very generous and giving and always willing to help and make people happy. I guess it's because I blame the "world" for causing my misery that I want people, anyone else really, to suffer.
I just don't see any future for myself. I have no idea on a career. No friends, no girlfriend, and no hope of finding either. I have no will, no dreams, and no fire of motivation burning within me, not even sparks. A decade ago, they may have been embers smoldering of what little motivation I had left, but they've long since died out. I have no idea of where I can go from here, or how I can get there, and no drive to find out, much less actually make it happen. I sit in my room and play games or browse the internet in 99.9% of my spare time outside of work, not doing or accomplishing anything, and I have nothing at all that motivates me to change that, as bad as it is for my state of mind. Why would I even bother, if I expect only failure and sadness? How can anyone even convince me otherwise?
I'm on antidepressant (effexor), which is the only reason I'm even able to hold down a job (or not sit on my bed staring into nothing out of pure anxiety for 23 hours a day), but it doesn't do enough on its own. I've tried xanax, but that doesn't do anything for me, especially at times I need it the most. My doctor doesn't want to try anything else for me at the moment, either. I've gone to a few therapists and psychologists, but none have been able to really help me or helped me feel any better. Probably because i can't be honest with them. I'm just as scared that they'll judge me for the things I need to say, just as I would fear anyone else would do. Things that terrify me on a primordial level to admit, causing enough anxiety that I literally can't even force myself to blurt them out. Nothing bad or illegal or anything like that, just things I have that overarching, bestial fear of telling anyone out of shame or embarrassment.
The only thing that would save me at this point is a friend who makes an effort to reach out to me and drag me into doing things. Who doesn't give up on me, and gradually helps me get better. A mentor or someone who could help me better adjust to the world than I am right now. But HAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahaa that'll never happen. Not in a trillion years. My life is honeysuckle, and no one will ever care enough to try and help me with it.
Brennabean said:
Hi el Jay.
People here are only saying what they think will help. I'd imagine a lot of people who use this site have come close to and may have event attempted suicide already, and everyone who has replied to your post have been compassionate enough to give a fresia about your life. You can accuse me of saying sentimental BS like you did to Richard if you want, I don't care about what you think about me. Of course I don't want anyone (except for paedophiles) to kill themselves. I've known a number of suicides in my family and with my friends, the damage is irreparable and the pain is constant.
You came onto this site and made this thread because you WANT people to convince you to not kill yourself. Here we are. However being on different parts of the planet we can only provide our thoughts as to why you shouldn't kill yourself, but we can't be there for you any other way. Only you can convince yourself to keep trying to make your life a good one. In my opinion suicide is the weak mans way out and I've no respect for the people I knew who left their families and friends behind because they were too selfish to see that life isn't always about them. I grew up in poverty because my mums first husband was weak (a gambler, alcoholic who was in debt).
If you're going to dismiss this as bullshit then don't bother replying. This is raw honest truth coming from me.
I really hope things get better for you.
If you want to be friendly and talk more then pm me.
I understand what you're saying about the pain that suicide causes other people in a person's life, but the issue to me is that it reaches a point where my own suffering is greater than my fear of so greatly hurting the people in my life. Especially when the people who would be so hurt by it are also not doing enough to try and help me be happier. My mom, especially, I can't even talk to about being so depressed because otherwise she jumps into "I don't even know what I'd do if something happened to you!" mode. I get why she feels like that and is so scared of it, but the point is that it makes me feel even worse and does nothing to help. I can't be honest with her because of it. Right now, she thinks I'm a bit lonely but fairly happy overall. She's actually a big part of the problem because of that, because I can't be honest with her. It's to the point where if I killed myself, GOOD that she has to suffer that, because she helped fresia things up for me, and it's the only way she could or would ever feel bad about it. Otherwise it's always ME who's not doing enough to better my life or change things. Which, while probably true, don't exactly help me feel better or feel like improving my life (if I even knew how). It just makes me feel like I'm honeysuckle and worthless even more.