Life feels pointless to me anymore, with no reason to keep living

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el Jay

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 16, 2012
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Location
Near Philadelphia
I have no friends in real life, very few I talk to online (and only rarely, then), no girlfriend, and no hope of getting any of those. No dreams or aspirations, and I don't dare to even hope for the future because it always goes to honeysuckle as soon as I start being hopeful. I can't find a job that lets me support myself despite being 32, and my mom still needs to financially support me partially. Anyone in my life just drifts farther away and I'm powerless to stop it. It's been happening for years, but it really became apparent when my grandfather died back in early 2013 (he was the most important person in my life).


What reason could I possibly have to even keep living and struggling? Things won't get better, and even if by chance they do, they'll just get even worse soon after. More and more lately I find myself wanting to die. Not kill myself, necessarily, just to die. Passive, neutral, apathetic. At least then I wouldn't need to keep struggling towards a future that doesn't want me and has no place for me, and my mom could stop wasting her money on me so she can actually retire.
 
Hey el Jay, the last paragraph sounds like bit suicidal idealization. Have you tried seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist?
It does sound like your in a rough place, but I'm sure your mom and others would miss you if you died.

I'm afraid I don't have too much advice to give you. I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather.
Maybe try to find a hobby or something that interests you, try getting out and going for a short walk, go to the library and find a good book to read. ( I'd highly recommend The Harry Potter series and Frankenstein, possibly maybe the Hobbit and the LOTR trilogy are all good reads) Maybe you and your mom could cook something together.

There's still meaning in life, just gotta get outside and try to find it.
I don't know how helpful this was but I hope things get better for you

*hugs* :)
 
evanescencefan912 said:
Hey el Jay, the last paragraph sounds like bit suicidal idealization.  Have you tried seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist?
It does sound like your in a rough place, but I'm sure your mom and others would miss you if you died.

I'm afraid I don't have too much advice to give you. I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather.
Maybe try to find a hobby or something that interests you, try getting out and going for a short walk, go to the library and find a good book to read. ( I'd highly recommend The Harry Potter series and Frankenstein, possibly maybe the Hobbit and the LOTR trilogy are all good reads)  Maybe you and your mom could cook something together.

There's still meaning in life, just gotta get outside and try to find it.
I don't know how helpful this was but I hope things get better for you

*hugs* :)

My mom would miss me, yeah, but she lives on the other side of the world (pretty much literally). She doesn't contribute enough positivity and purpose to my life to make her feelings about me matter, sad to say. And although I do love her and she's done plenty to help me out in life, she's also done things that have contributed to where I am today, with a big one being scaring me away from considering antidepressants back in 2009 (she was worried they'd turn me into a mindless zombie who lays in bed all day and just robotically keeps taking them). When I finally did start them some months after my grandfather died in 2013, they were like a magic bullet. But it was too little too late. A decade ago they might've done wonders for me, but by the time I finally started on them I was too far gone.

I don't really have the will to do most things to "branch out" at the moment. I'm so worn down and depressed that I need some external input of energy to get going, which pretty much will never happen due to no friends or relationships. It's a vicious cycle, but I don't even bother trying to break it because I'm not allowed to be hopeful of things in life. Any time things start to go well even a little bit, as soon as I start thinking "hey, maybe things will finally get a little better and I can be happier", they go to honeysuckle within 2-14 days, leaving me in an even worse place both mentally and in life in general. Friends, girlfriends, jobs, social groups, doesn't matter what it is, when I begin to believe that something may finally get better, it gets worse.

For the past 15 years, I've generally staved off suicidal thoughts by thinking "well, until things get so bad that it's not worth the effort to keep living and working and struggling for what little is good in my life, I don't need to really think about it". But now things are getting dangerously close to being that bad.
 
You're in a pretty difficult position and I don't want to insult your intelligence with a lot of platitudes. 
But I really want to hear you say that you're not going to quit.
Every day tell yourself, "I can quit tomorrow.....today I have a task to do."

Oh dear, was that a platitude?
:cool:
 
constant stranger said:
You're in a pretty difficult position and I don't want to insult your intelligence with a lot of platitudes. 
But I really want to hear you say that you're not going to quit.
Every day tell yourself, "I can quit tomorrow.....today I have a task to do."

Oh dear, was that a platitude?
:cool:

Are you being sarcastic?
 
el Jay said:
constant stranger said:
You're in a pretty difficult position and I don't want to insult your intelligence with a lot of platitudes. 
But I really want to hear you say that you're not going to quit.
Every day tell yourself, "I can quit tomorrow.....today I have a task to do."

Oh dear, was that a platitude?
:cool:

Are you being sarcastic?

No, el Jay, I'm not being sarcastic.  Or I'm not trying to be sarcastic anyway. 
I was trying to be sympathetic and hoping not to be stating some obvious truism.
Peace?
 
constant stranger said:
el Jay said:
constant stranger said:
You're in a pretty difficult position and I don't want to insult your intelligence with a lot of platitudes. 
But I really want to hear you say that you're not going to quit.
Every day tell yourself, "I can quit tomorrow.....today I have a task to do."

Oh dear, was that a platitude?
:cool:

Are you being sarcastic?

No, el Jay, I'm not being sarcastic.  Or I'm not trying to be sarcastic anyway. 
I was trying to be sympathetic and hoping not to be stating some obvious truism.
Peace?

It's fine, I don't really care anyways. Just your tone seemed like you might have been sarcastic.

But it doesn't matter anyways because I just don't feel like that. Even if I do have a "task to do" today, the problem is I no longer care. I don't have the energy or willpower to keep going. Why bother doing what I need to do when I don't have and won't get any real happiness or personal value out of it?


I'm sick of keeping going in this world but never getting the things I really want. Why bother anymore?


lilE said:
I do hope you feel better.

Thank you, but I don't think I will. It's just been going downhill for the last two decades of my life, and especially in the past 4 years.
 
Killing yourself isn't going to make anything better. You also have no right to bring that type of pain to your parents No matter who you are or how you feel, death of a child will scar them for life. Fine if you don't want to keep going, but the pain you would put on a mother that seems to care about you is irresponsible.
Besides, if you're dead, you can't change ANYTHING. Don't you want to change some things instead of dying?
I personally see it as a war. Life is a war. And I sure as hell ain't going to let everyone out there win one over me. They can kill me sure, but they won't have the benefit of seeing me weak.
You shouldn't give them that satisfaction. You should be trying to shove those words down their throats.
Keep on trucking, breh.
 
Richard_39 said:
Killing yourself isn't going to make anything better. You also have no right to bring that type of pain to your parents No matter who you are or how you feel, death of a child will scar them for life. Fine if you don't want to keep going, but the pain you would put on a mother that seems to care about you is irresponsible.
Besides, if you're dead, you can't change ANYTHING. Don't you want to change some things instead of dying?
I personally see it as a war. Life is a war. And I sure as hell ain't going to let everyone out there win one over me. They can kill me sure, but they won't have the benefit of seeing me weak.
You shouldn't give them that satisfaction. You should be trying to shove those words down their throats.
Keep on trucking, breh.

God, what a useless post full of empty platitudes and feel-good bullshit.

I absolutely have the right to bring the pain of losing a child on my parents. It's MY life, not theirs. To suggest otherwise is to strip me of agency, and suggest that my life is for the purpose and service of others, not myself. If it would hurt them so much, then maybe they should be doing more to help me not feel like this. But I can't even bring my sadness and depression up with my mother because she always jumps straight to "if anything happened to you I don't even know what I'd do". So if it does get to the point where I kill myself, then GOOD for her suffering. She deserves it, in that case.

And yeah, sure, I'd love to change things. But I have no power, no motivation, no will to press on. I'm just so apathetic towards things in life anymore. I don't have the emotional fortitude anymore to care much about what sufferings or injustices other people have, because people sure don't give a honeysuckle about mine. But if I was able to actually change things, I probably wouldn't be in this state of mind in the first place.

Sure, life may be a war, but I've long since lost my will to fight. If I don't care about continuing to live, why the fresia would I care about "them" seeing me weak? Unless you're advocating me to actually go out and cause harm to those I perceive as disaffecting me, but I doubt you're trying to prompt me towards violence.

People like you are part of the problem that people like me have. If you really care so much about someone so deep in despair, then either put in the effort to actually change something for them, or fresia off. Don't just give empty sentiments that may as well be from some "motivational" book.
 
Hi el Jay.
People here are only saying what they think will help. I'd imagine a lot of people who use this site have come close to and may have event attempted suicide already, and everyone who has replied to your post have been compassionate enough to give a fresia about your life. You can accuse me of saying sentimental BS like you did to Richard if you want, I don't care about what you think about me. Of course I don't want anyone (except for paedophiles) to kill themselves. I've known a number of suicides in my family and with my friends, the damage is irreparable and the pain is constant.
You came onto this site and made this thread because you WANT people to convince you to not kill yourself. Here we are. However being on different parts of the planet we can only provide our thoughts as to why you shouldn't kill yourself, but we can't be there for you any other way. Only you can convince yourself to keep trying to make your life a good one. In my opinion suicide is the weak mans way out and I've no respect for the people I knew who left their families and friends behind because they were too selfish to see that life isn't always about them. I grew up in poverty because my mums first husband was weak (a gambler, alcoholic who was in debt).
If you're going to dismiss this as bullshit then don't bother replying. This is raw honest truth coming from me. 
I really hope things get better for you. 
If you want to be friendly and talk more then pm me. 
✌️
 
This dark place where you're isolated and hating everybody and life is honeysuckle can be forever, but it can be temporary too, like a bad too-long dream, and yeah, cheesy or not, that's up to you.  People reminding you that you are responsible to other people whether you like it or not, isn't them being trite, it's them being real and trying to help you get real and see outside of yourself, which from your posts it doesn't seem like you can right now, and that's ok.  It's where you're at for the moment for whatever reasons, chemical, situational or a combo.  It's not where you're forever meant to stay, even if it feels that way in your deep apathy right now.  It isn't written in stone for you to have to be destroyed by your depression.  You speak like a defeatist probably to protect yourself from feeling any more disappointment.   I get that.  I have that, but it makes your life one big self fulfilling prophecy of honeysuckle, and for what?  There's some self flagellation going on in depression that I haven't figured out yet, but so many potentially good lives get retarded and stunted by negative thoughts and beliefs and it feels really wasteful.    

IMO it's also ok to be be mad at the world/parents for not helping you more for a while, but what are you going to do when you're done being mad?  

What is wrong with choosing a vocation of service to others because you can't figure out anything better to do?  What is wrong with getting medicated and forcing yourself out the door into something weird and new?  What is wrong with forcing yourself to believe that you have value in this world whatever you do or don't do?  

I get that maybe it's embarrassing to you to still have your mom give you money, but what's wrong with being thankful that you have a parent still able and willing to help you out?  

And what exactly is preventing your hope besides your depression?  WHY can't you EVER get a girlfriend?  You sound like you are someone who feels things very deeply, and I think that is a very special quality in a person.  Also, you're only 32.  You have time to change things in the prime of your life.   People want to be around people who make their lives better and bring good things to the table along with whatever crap baggage they also have.   Crap baggage can be funny anecdotes or sources of great wisdom in your relationships once you stop suffering in the past.  

 What do you think are the good things about yourself that you bring to the table? Is it so terrible to have to think of good things or possibility?   

Thanks for letting me ramble and hope you take care of yourself today and find some things you enjoy.
 
el Jay said:
Richard_39 said:
Killing yourself isn't going to make anything better. You also have no right to bring that type of pain to your parents No matter who you are or how you feel, death of a child will scar them for life. Fine if you don't want to keep going, but the pain you would put on a mother that seems to care about you is irresponsible.
Besides, if you're dead, you can't change ANYTHING. Don't you want to change some things instead of dying?
I personally see it as a war. Life is a war. And I sure as hell ain't going to let everyone out there win one over me. They can kill me sure, but they won't have the benefit of seeing me weak.
You shouldn't give them that satisfaction. You should be trying to shove those words down their throats.
Keep on trucking, breh.

God, what a useless post full of empty platitudes and feel-good bullshit.

I absolutely have the right to bring the pain of losing a child on my parents. It's MY life, not theirs. To suggest otherwise is to strip me of agency, and suggest that my life is for the purpose and service of others, not myself. If it would hurt them so much, then maybe they should be doing more to help me not feel like this. But I can't even bring my sadness and depression up with my mother because she always jumps straight to "if anything happened to you I don't even know what I'd do". So if it does get to the point where I kill myself, then GOOD for her suffering. She deserves it, in that case.

And yeah, sure, I'd love to change things. But I have no power, no motivation, no will to press on. I'm just so apathetic towards things in life anymore. I don't have the emotional fortitude anymore to care much about what sufferings or injustices other people have, because people sure don't give a honeysuckle about mine. But if I was able to actually change things, I probably wouldn't be in this state of mind in the first place.

Sure, life may be a war, but I've long since lost my will to fight. If I don't care about continuing to live, why the fresia would I care about "them" seeing me weak? Unless you're advocating me to actually go out and cause harm to those I perceive as disaffecting me, but I doubt you're trying to prompt me towards violence.

People like you are part of the problem that people like me have. If you really care so much about someone so deep in despair, then either put in the effort to actually change something for them, or fresia off. Don't just give empty sentiments that may as well be from some "motivational" book.

Yeah, that'll teach me to care.
You go man, you're so much better than I am.
In fact, let me just do you a favor and never speak to you again. Pis si tu m'avais pitcher une affaire dans face de même mon ostie, j't'aurais crever en sale, faq assis toé dessus pis tourne mon criss de chieux.
 
littlefish1555 said:
This dark place where you're isolated and hating everybody and life is honeysuckle can be forever, but it can be temporary too, like a bad too-long dream, and yeah, cheesy or not, that's up to you.  People reminding you that you are responsible to other people whether you like it or not, isn't them being trite, it's them being real and trying to help you get real and see outside of yourself, which from your posts it doesn't seem like you can right now, and that's ok.  It's where you're at for the moment for whatever reasons, chemical, situational or a combo.  It's not where you're forever meant to stay, even if it feels that way in your deep apathy right now.  It isn't written in stone for you to have to be destroyed by your depression.  You speak like a defeatist probably to protect yourself from feeling any more disappointment.   I get that.  I have that, but it makes your life one big self fulfilling prophecy of honeysuckle, and for what?  There's some self flagellation going on in depression that I haven't figured out yet, but so many potentially good lives get retarded and stunted by negative thoughts and beliefs and it feels really wasteful.    

IMO it's also ok to be be mad at the world/parents for not helping you more for a while, but what are you going to do when you're done being mad?  

What is wrong with choosing a vocation of service to others because you can't figure out anything better to do?  What is wrong with getting medicated and forcing yourself out the door into something weird and new?  What is wrong with forcing yourself to believe that you have value in this world whatever you do or don't do?  

I get that maybe it's embarrassing to you to still have your mom give you money, but what's wrong with being thankful that you have a parent still able and willing to help you out?  

And what exactly is preventing your hope besides your depression?  WHY can't you EVER get a girlfriend?  You sound like you are someone who feels things very deeply, and I think that is a very special quality in a person.  Also, you're only 32.  You have time to change things in the prime of your life.   People want to be around people who make their lives better and bring good things to the table along with whatever crap baggage they also have.   Crap baggage can be funny anecdotes or sources of great wisdom in your relationships once you stop suffering in the past.  

 What do you think are the good things about yourself that you bring to the table? Is it so terrible to have to think of good things or possibility?   

Thanks for letting me ramble and hope you take care of yourself today and find some things you enjoy.

The problem for me, and the thing that your post unfortunately misses, is that there IS no "end" to this feeling for me. I've been dealing with it for over two decades to varying degrees, and since losing my grandfather in 2013 (the most important person in my life, even beyond my parents), it's just been a downward spiral into new depths. I have nothing and no one in my life, really. I have one (1) friend who I never see and only occasionally talk to, not only because of distance but because he has another group of friends that he spends most of his time with, and who I don't fit in with. I'm hopeless at making new friends, either on or offline. I get along with people great, but I just am never able to make that connection to actually become friends. I literally don't know how. I'm not sure if I ever did, really, and maybe I just lucked into the friends I used to have (mostly online). But they've all faded away in the past 5 years.

As for what's preventing my hope? The fact that nothing ever changes for the better for me. If I get hopeful about something, it's quickly snatched away. Nothing works out, plans always fall through, people lose interest, whatever needs to happen to make something fail, happens, outside of my control. This has happened an excessive amount in the past 6 years, and it has caused me to literally lose all hope for the future, out of necessity (because if I have hope for the future, that future won't be). Nothing good happens, nothing good CAN happen, nothing good WILL happen. If you want to convince me otherwise, then make something good happen for me, go out of your way to do it. But you won't. No one will. And I can't, because if I try, I get slapped down and made to feel even worse than I did before I bothered trying.

You're right in that I'm a very empathetic person by nature, and I always have been. But the lack of reciprocation from other people in terms of kindness and friendship is rotting me to the core. More and more these days, rather than being hurt by the suffering of others because I feel so bad for them, I actually enjoy that other people are suffering. I think to myself that I'm glad they're miserable. At least I'm not alone in my misery. I'm sick of other people getting to experience all the things I wish I could, so it's good that bad things happen that disrupt their happiness. I don't feel like that all of the time, but I do feel like that more and more recently than in the past. And it's the opposite of how I'd feel and act if I was actually happy, very generous and giving and always willing to help and make people happy. I guess it's because I blame the "world" for causing my misery that I want people, anyone else really, to suffer.

I just don't see any future for myself. I have no idea on a career. No friends, no girlfriend, and no hope of finding either. I have no will, no dreams, and no fire of motivation burning within me, not even sparks. A decade ago, they may have been embers smoldering of what little motivation I had left, but they've long since died out. I have no idea of where I can go from here, or how I can get there, and no drive to find out, much less actually make it happen. I sit in my room and play games or browse the internet in 99.9% of my spare time outside of work, not doing or accomplishing anything, and I have nothing at all that motivates me to change that, as bad as it is for my state of mind. Why would I even bother, if I expect only failure and sadness? How can anyone even convince me otherwise?

I'm on antidepressant (effexor), which is the only reason I'm even able to hold down a job (or not sit on my bed staring into nothing out of pure anxiety for 23 hours a day), but it doesn't do enough on its own. I've tried xanax, but that doesn't do anything for me, especially at times I need it the most. My doctor doesn't want to try anything else for me at the moment, either. I've gone to a few therapists and psychologists, but none have been able to really help me or helped me feel any better. Probably because i can't be honest with them. I'm just as scared that they'll judge me for the things I need to say, just as I would fear anyone else would do. Things that terrify me on a primordial level to admit, causing enough anxiety that I literally can't even force myself to blurt them out. Nothing bad or illegal or anything like that, just things I have that overarching, bestial fear of telling anyone out of shame or embarrassment.

The only thing that would save me at this point is a friend who makes an effort to reach out to me and drag me into doing things. Who doesn't give up on me, and gradually helps me get better. A mentor or someone who could help me better adjust to the world than I am right now. But HAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahaa that'll never happen. Not in a trillion years. My life is honeysuckle, and no one will ever care enough to try and help me with it.


Brennabean said:
Hi el Jay.
People here are only saying what they think will help. I'd imagine a lot of people who use this site have come close to and may have event attempted suicide already, and everyone who has replied to your post have been compassionate enough to give a fresia about your life. You can accuse me of saying sentimental BS like you did to Richard if you want, I don't care about what you think about me. Of course I don't want anyone (except for paedophiles) to kill themselves. I've known a number of suicides in my family and with my friends, the damage is irreparable and the pain is constant.
You came onto this site and made this thread because you WANT people to convince you to not kill yourself. Here we are. However being on different parts of the planet we can only provide our thoughts as to why you shouldn't kill yourself, but we can't be there for you any other way. Only you can convince yourself to keep trying to make your life a good one. In my opinion suicide is the weak mans way out and I've no respect for the people I knew who left their families and friends behind because they were too selfish to see that life isn't always about them. I grew up in poverty because my mums first husband was weak (a gambler, alcoholic who was in debt).
If you're going to dismiss this as bullshit then don't bother replying. This is raw honest truth coming from me. 
I really hope things get better for you. 
If you want to be friendly and talk more then pm me. 
✌️

I understand what you're saying about the pain that suicide causes other people in a person's life, but the issue to me is that it reaches a point where my own suffering is greater than my fear of so greatly hurting the people in my life. Especially when the people who would be so hurt by it are also not doing enough to try and help me be happier. My mom, especially, I can't even talk to about being so depressed because otherwise she jumps into "I don't even know what I'd do if something happened to you!" mode. I get why she feels like that and is so scared of it, but the point is that it makes me feel even worse and does nothing to help. I can't be honest with her because of it. Right now, she thinks I'm a bit lonely but fairly happy overall. She's actually a big part of the problem because of that, because I can't be honest with her. It's to the point where if I killed myself, GOOD that she has to suffer that, because she helped fresia things up for me, and it's the only way she could or would ever feel bad about it. Otherwise it's always ME who's not doing enough to better my life or change things. Which, while probably true, don't exactly help me feel better or feel like improving my life (if I even knew how). It just makes me feel like I'm honeysuckle and worthless even more.
 
2 choices: get busy living is the preferable one. The other one isn't so good.
Or you could keep coming to forums like this and verbally beat yourself up. That's OK too I guess if it helps any.
 
[quote pid='857473' dateline='1512600432']
[quote pid='857380' dateline='1512552331']
✌️
[/quote]

I understand what you're saying about the pain that suicide causes other people in a person's life, but the issue to me is that it reaches a point where my own suffering is greater than my fear of so greatly hurting the people in my life. Especially when the people who would be so hurt by it are also not doing enough to try and help me be happier. My mom, especially, I can't even talk to about being so depressed because otherwise she jumps into "I don't even know what I'd do if something happened to you!" mode. I get why she feels like that and is so scared of it, but the point is that it makes me feel even worse and does nothing to help. I can't be honest with her because of it. Right now, she thinks I'm a bit lonely but fairly happy overall. She's actually a big part of the problem because of that, because I can't be honest with her. It's to the point where if I killed myself, GOOD that she has to suffer that, because she helped fresia things up for me, and it's the only way she could or would ever feel bad about it. Otherwise it's always ME who's not doing enough to better my life or change things. Which, while probably true, don't exactly help me feel better or feel like improving my life (if I even knew how). It just makes me feel like I'm honeysuckle and worthless even more.
[/quote]
 
YOU are a real person. It's sounds weird at first, but I think we often forget how real other people are. Our consciousness runs deep, there is so much more to us than we think we have, it's just we have yet to harness it. You are human, and humans have the ability to be deep and real with each other. The ability to say something that resonates with our very core and while we wait for a response we feel the most vulnerable we have ever been. It's scary to open ourselves like this to others, but I think that's because we forget how HUMAN other people are, who all have the ability to connect more deeply than they ever thought possible, it's just that some people need help harnessing that part of themselves. You can help your mum really understand, to say you can't is just defeatist. I think when you and your mum connect this way you'll feel differently about this revenge you have on her for not being a good mother. No one is perfect, we're all children having children at the end of it all. 
It might take practise, but if you can separate yourself from your thoughts and look at them for what they really are then that will help you understand self-compassion. We do not choose our thoughts, thoughts just happen to us, we can choose whether to believe them or not. But we are habitual creatures so after so long convincing ourselves that we are worthless it feels like there is no other state of being. It took me a while to access parts of me I never knew could be there, compassion comes to us all. Compassion without self-compassion is incomplete. 
I think this calls for my first signature, a quote which has guided me through my troubles. It's annoying that I can't find it on the Internet. Hopefully I'll stumble on it again at some point. I know this seems like BS but I truly believe Buddhists are ******* smart. 


"There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining pictures of light, but by making the darkness conscious." - Carl Jung-
 
Brennabean said:
YOU are a real person. It's sounds weird at first, but I think we often forget how real other people are. Our consciousness runs deep, there is so much more to us than we think we have, it's just we have yet to harness it. You are human, and humans have the ability to be deep and real with each other. The ability to say something that resonates with our very core and while we wait for a response we feel the most vulnerable we have ever been. It's scary to open ourselves like this to others, but I think that's because we forget how HUMAN other people are, who all have the ability to connect more deeply than they ever thought possible, it's just that some people need help harnessing that part of themselves. You can help your mum really understand, to say you can't is just defeatist. I think when you and your mum connect this way you'll feel differently about this revenge you have on her for not being a good mother. No one is perfect, we're all children having children at the end of it all. 
It might take practise, but if you can separate yourself from your thoughts and look at them for what they really are then that will help you understand self-compassion. We do not choose our thoughts, thoughts just happen to us, we can choose whether to believe them or not. But we are habitual creatures so after so long convincing ourselves that we are worthless it feels like there is no other state of being. It took me a while to access parts of me I never knew could be there, compassion comes to us all. Compassion without self-compassion is incomplete. 
I think this calls for my first signature, a quote which has guided me through my troubles. It's annoying that I can't find it on the Internet. Hopefully I'll stumble on it again at some point. I know this seems like BS but I truly believe Buddhists are ******* smart. 


"There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining pictures of light, but by making the darkness conscious." - Carl Jung-

I gave it a try and emailed my mom and told her how I felt. It was short, curt, and deflecting. First two lines: "So it’s all my fault. Ok, if that’s how you feel. You need to help yourself."

Just like I figured she would be. I basically told her everything I've posted in this thread and carefully explained why I have trouble going to her and being honest with her about things. Once again I learn it's not worth even trying, as though I needed to be reminded. Sigh.
 
el Jay said:
Brennabean said:
YOU are a real person. It's sounds weird at first, but I think we often forget how real other people are. Our consciousness runs deep, there is so much more to us than we think we have, it's just we have yet to harness it. You are human, and humans have the ability to be deep and real with each other. The ability to say something that resonates with our very core and while we wait for a response we feel the most vulnerable we have ever been. It's scary to open ourselves like this to others, but I think that's because we forget how HUMAN other people are, who all have the ability to connect more deeply than they ever thought possible, it's just that some people need help harnessing that part of themselves. You can help your mum really understand, to say you can't is just defeatist. I think when you and your mum connect this way you'll feel differently about this revenge you have on her for not being a good mother. No one is perfect, we're all children having children at the end of it all. 
It might take practise, but if you can separate yourself from your thoughts and look at them for what they really are then that will help you understand self-compassion. We do not choose our thoughts, thoughts just happen to us, we can choose whether to believe them or not. But we are habitual creatures so after so long convincing ourselves that we are worthless it feels like there is no other state of being. It took me a while to access parts of me I never knew could be there, compassion comes to us all. Compassion without self-compassion is incomplete. 
I think this calls for my first signature, a quote which has guided me through my troubles. It's annoying that I can't find it on the Internet. Hopefully I'll stumble on it again at some point. I know this seems like BS but I truly believe Buddhists are ******* smart. 


"There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining pictures of light, but by making the darkness conscious." - Carl Jung-

I gave it a try and emailed my mom and told her how I felt. It was short, curt, and deflecting. First two lines: "So it’s all my fault. Ok, if that’s how you feel. You need to help yourself."

Just like I figured she would be. I basically told her everything I've posted in this thread and carefully explained why I have trouble going to her and being honest with her about things. Once again I learn it's not worth even trying, as though I needed to be reminded. Sigh.

That sounds like a pretty disappointing response from her. Personally I do see where you're coming from.
 
Don't give up just yet.. She's only human too, let her think it through and hopefully she'll come back to you.
Don't let it get you down bro, I bet she'll come around.
✌️
 
el Jay, guess what? I have some good news. You are NOT going to top yourself.

You know how I know this? Because I have been around. I've known suicidal people. They tend to be completely despondent. But I can see in your posts that you are quite ANGRY. This is a positive sign. Anger is good. It means you have a life force. Howl at the moon, my friend.
 

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