I don't really have a title for this other than I am lonely

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Brennabean

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Nov 22, 2017
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Cambridgeshire, England
It's been a tough few years for me and lately I've kept a thought journal in attempt to understand my scrambled thoughts without getting too emotional and to come to rational conclusions and decisions. I've just had a bombshell realisation that the end of a very close and meaningful relationship (ended 4 years ago) has left a hole in me which no one has filled since. I've never had a friend like her. It ended because I got too heavily involved in drugs and she started dating a police officer. I quit all drugs last Christmas and that's when I started feeling really lonely . At least when I got high all the time I didn't really feel anything let alone a need for companionship. I'm in a lovely relationship now but I feel like I need one close friend who lives close by (my 3 close friends live in a different county) for me to have a connection with. I was really depressed last year as I was in an abusive relationship and I isolated myself from all of the psuedo-friends I had made at uni. I never really bonded with any of them anyway, and I've always felt weird around them. I think I'm on the spectrum, the people who know me best do also think I am too, it doesn't inhibit me too much, I'm still really friendly and don't find it hard to talk to anyone unless they give a certain "aura".
So yeah, I think that because I was high pretty much every day over the last 4 years up until last Christmas it definitely delayed the emotional reaction to the friendship break up. In fact, I've never felt so bad after the end of all of my relationships, even after I stopped talking to my dad. I do wish things were different because she was amazing to me but I tried to get back in contact with her a year ago and she isn't as keen. Which is fine. But now Im living in a city and find it so hard to connect with anyone, I'd give anything for a close friend right now. I feel like there's a part of me missing and I think it stems from the ending of that friendship. 
I've always felt quite lonely, I have more childhood memories of my childminders than I do my mum as she worked 3 jobs, had 2 other children and depression. I'd stay at the library or detention after school up until I was 14 so I could go home when mum was there because my sister and I used to fight all the time and my step dad had a horrid temper. I didn't have any friends at school from the ages of 11 to 14. When I'd sit in the lounge and try to talk to my mum my step dad would always "shh" me for talking over the tv, so I just stopped talking to them altogether for I'm not sure how long. I started getting involved in drugs when I was 14, was out of the house all the time and this was the age I started making friends. I met my previously mentioned best friend at this time too. Well we fell out 4 years later, and I fell out with all of my other many close friends over those 4 years because of drugs and sex. I've 3 close friends left who I love but rarely see because they live so far away and I'm only a student so it's not like I can afford to go down there frequently. I hoped after being lonely for so long I'd be used to it by now but that's not the case. I've been in tears lately because it sucks so much. 
I don't know why I can't connect with people, I'm so friendly and nice and chatty, I know I'm odd and really different to many people around my age as well. I just want one close friend. I don't know if anyone can help me on here.
 
OK I realise now that writing my almost life story wasn't the best idea. I just needed to get it all out and feel understood. I'm definitely going to see a counsellor
 
Seems like it was kind of cathartic for you. Sometimes getting things out in a way where other people are going to see it can give you a slightly different perspective than just reading your own thoughts which no one will see. Seems like you are taking steps in the right direction, getting your self clean and all. Good for you, keep up the good work.
 

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