Feeling Utterly Lost (sort of long)

(Sorry if this all comes out as random ramblings, but my mind seems like a twister of chaotic thoughts)

Since the disappearance of my girlfriend a few years ago, I've been on a complete downward spiral. My position was pretty pathetic before hand, but atleast I saw some tiny light of hope because of my girlfriend at the time. Now though, I've been alone for the past few years and just don't know what to even do with myself at all. I feel hopeless, futureless and lost. I haven't felt this bad, since I was a small child and like then I just can't truly see myself having a future at all. It seems like a perpetual cycle since I was little with my constantly trying to find I'm good at that makes me worthwhile, mainly to others. I realized this is something I've been doing this, since I was 4 and I'm now a 26 year old woman. But it seems like every attempt either ends before it even begins, I try my hardest only for my efforts to be ignored then walled off and told I'm just like those who don't care to try and therefore will never get any better, I succeed to an extent only to be walled off once again from the goal point and told I'll never amount to anything, etc. Even the few times I have succeeded those victories just went ignored and treated like they meant nothing. This just keeps happening over and over again. It disturbs me that my desperation for approval, validation, appreciation, love and respect all started out at such a young age and has continued on. I even realized recently an unfortunate incident I let happen to myself when I was very young was a part of that too. (And it made me sick when I realized why I let it happen.) The thing is though that I don't know how to stop it.

I won't lie. There are things I want. Like to end up in another long-term relationship. Hopefully a family one day, since I feel like I've never really had one before. I am still want to improve my looks and health, and somehow find a way around my social anxiety (it's debilitating sometimes). But I  still can't seem to bring myself to want a career, even if it's necessary to make it through life. Besides I always felt like the best place for me was keeping the home and family going.

In my current situation, I'm at risk of ending up on the streets in a couple of weeks. You'd figure this would be a huge motivator and something to help kick things in gear, but instead it still isn't. The things I want should be big motivator too, but they still don't jump start anything no matter how much I want those things. I'm so tired of my pathetic and worthless existence, but I've never been able to bring myself to commit suicide no matter how many times I've contemplated it. I just feel extremely burnt out and I did way before now too, it's only just gotten worse.

I've dealt with multiple failed relationships before my previous one and usually I recovered soon, but after the last one it made it that much harder to move on since she meant so much to my life. Like said before she was the tiny light in my life then that gave me some sort of hope for a future. The extent of that was to the point where I was hoping to marry her one day, but because of pathetic position I always felt like I was never good enough and like I learned from numerous relationship of various types (family, friends, lovers) that no matter how genuine my feelings are and no matter how much I truly love someone unconditionally none of it matters in the end when reality strikes. It doesn't pay the bills, it doesn't make me less of a burden, it doesn't make me worth sticking around for and it doesn't make me worth living for either. It doesn't matter how much I'm willing to sacrifice for a chance at happiness, it doesn't matter if I'm willing to do almost anything to make the one I love happy; if it's not something practical that keeps things going it's not worthwhile. Unfortunately, the childish and idealistic part of me that keeps wanting to believe that two people truly in love can still overcome hardships together, still keeps winning out despite my poor position. I think that happens because it feels like true unconditional love is just so rare. But can I truly call mine unconditional when I expect so much back? (like to be loved, to be desired, to be needed, to be wanted, to be appreciated and respected)

(That was just a bit that's in my head, but I just wanted to say it out somewhere and it feels like these feelings increase ten fold every year around the holidays.)

Can I get cliff notes?
Not joking but can you sum that up and I can help you.

Hey.  This is just my eleven cents after reading your post, I know you didn't really ask for any advice, so  I suppose I'm probably talking to myself, so forgive the pep talk please.  I have had some pretty major failures and traumas that now just feel like experiences, the successes do too.  And when I look back without self judgment I can see my life has been full of adventure and love because I forced myself to try when more than half the time I have just want to sleep and dream and hide and not try for anything. When I look to the future I don't fear failure, because along with it there have been major successes and joy too, and I'm pretty sure for most people, that's just life.   

If you're really not being motivated by the fact that you could be out on the streets, is there anyone you can turn to for help right now?  A couple of years is a long time to be in a downward spiral, especially if you're attaching the reasoning to a broken heart.   

You have value and just being yourself is enough.  You don't need a career, but do you work?  

I hope someone can help give you some tools to start valuing yourself again, if that's something you're struggling with.  I know it's so much easier said than done.  I have always suffered from feelings like those and don't pretend I know how to combat them other than to just fake it til you make it, and act the way you want to be.  Keep giving the things you want given to you.   Close the door on things that are over with so you can move on from them fully, and new doors will open.  Not trying to sound trite with my unsolicited advice, but this has been my experience. Believe that things can be better because They can and will. 

One tiny, cosmically timed positive action might start a change in the direction you need that will have results far more beautiful than you can even imagine now.  You're not stuck in place.  You could change so much in a year with just a few moves, internally or externally.   

Know that no one is better than you, successful happy people are the people who try their best, like you said.  

No one is watching, no one is judging in a way that matters to your life at all.   The only person who's opinion of your life matters is YOURS.

You are capable of love and being loved and it will happen again for you in someone you can never imagine right now, just believe that and get yourself back to a healthy place.   There is unconditional love, and when you find it, you'll be home.  But give it to yourself first, whatever that looks like for your life.       

I listen to this podcast guy who always says "every romantic relationship fails until the one that doesn't." I really like that.  You are a capable human with love to give, that in itself is enough.  You as a whole authentic you is enough.  

You don't need a career but as an adult I think you do need to figure out how to take care of yourself before you find someone to take care of and to take care of you.  I know I'm spewing out all these platitudes but I really do believe this stuff.  You're figuring it out and it's ok to take time, you're also pretty young, so be patient with yourself.  Believe in yourself and bring what you want into your life with actual action and openness to those things.  

Is there something else going on?  Substances or some kind of depression or trauma you need some help detaching from?  If so maybe you could look into some resources to help you like a counselor or life coach or something.  I know it sounds dumb but I found a youtube exercise girl who really just helped me somehow by motivating me to get fit and subsequently a little more balanced out.    And who tells you you'll never amount to anything because that is a lie.  If anyone is telling you that I'd get rid of them.  If it's yourself telling you that I hope you will consider exploring some resources that could help you change that mindset.    

Anyway, this got long too.  

I am lost. I am not too good at TLDR.

This is Bird and Ice Cream department.