Brennabean
Well-known member
Hi all, hope we're all doing OK at least today!
Im just going to share my thoughts of today and if anyone can relate or provide some advise that would be amaze.
I am a very insecure person, I suppose there are loads of contributing factors that a therapist would want to unravel, but in my thoughtful state of the last year I've managed to do that myself. Never seeing my mum as a child when she had 3 jobs made me feel like I wasn't good enough for her company (of course that was back then), emotionally, physically and sexual abuse boyfriends who scarred me mentally, and never really being great at something, only mediocre. Those are just a few.
Today I woke up in a heart sinking rage because I dreamt that my SO had fallen for a work colleague. It took me about 10 minutes to calm down as even in dream state it hurt me so much I woke up in tears. The day went by, I wasn't doing much. My SO had a little heated moment because he took his work colleagues word over mine... Yes the matter was very trivial... And yes I was being silly when I got very upset over it. I know I hadn't thought it through properly, but instantly I felt betrayed.
I could kiss the ground my SO walks on, and I never feel so small around anyone else. Thing is, he doesn't cause it. He is just amazing and I am in awe with him and I knew he was out of my league when we first started dating a year ago. That is just my perception of him.
I worry that I love him too much... I used to keep myself at more of a distance with my exes because I knew they would end. But this one is a keeper. He really is lovely and I didn't think people like him existed.
I've never felt more insecure, I worry that I worry too much and that's why he will leave. I worry he will fall in love with a smart and funny woman, 2 of those things I am not. I know this is contributing to my depression.
I totally dig that buddhist stuff about being happy means to love yourself... And I was there at one point in my life.. But I can't find my way back and getting myself to believe that I am good enough or even too good is so hard!
I spend my life trying to be good to the point where I don't really have to try anymore. I work in a nursing home and kindness is a second nature to me. I get really upset when I can't help people. And right now I can't even help myself!
I know I sound needy, I guess that's because I am. I also worry what that will cause me.
Does anyone relate or have advise on how I can get a grip?
Im just going to share my thoughts of today and if anyone can relate or provide some advise that would be amaze.
I am a very insecure person, I suppose there are loads of contributing factors that a therapist would want to unravel, but in my thoughtful state of the last year I've managed to do that myself. Never seeing my mum as a child when she had 3 jobs made me feel like I wasn't good enough for her company (of course that was back then), emotionally, physically and sexual abuse boyfriends who scarred me mentally, and never really being great at something, only mediocre. Those are just a few.
Today I woke up in a heart sinking rage because I dreamt that my SO had fallen for a work colleague. It took me about 10 minutes to calm down as even in dream state it hurt me so much I woke up in tears. The day went by, I wasn't doing much. My SO had a little heated moment because he took his work colleagues word over mine... Yes the matter was very trivial... And yes I was being silly when I got very upset over it. I know I hadn't thought it through properly, but instantly I felt betrayed.
I could kiss the ground my SO walks on, and I never feel so small around anyone else. Thing is, he doesn't cause it. He is just amazing and I am in awe with him and I knew he was out of my league when we first started dating a year ago. That is just my perception of him.
I worry that I love him too much... I used to keep myself at more of a distance with my exes because I knew they would end. But this one is a keeper. He really is lovely and I didn't think people like him existed.
I've never felt more insecure, I worry that I worry too much and that's why he will leave. I worry he will fall in love with a smart and funny woman, 2 of those things I am not. I know this is contributing to my depression.
I totally dig that buddhist stuff about being happy means to love yourself... And I was there at one point in my life.. But I can't find my way back and getting myself to believe that I am good enough or even too good is so hard!
I spend my life trying to be good to the point where I don't really have to try anymore. I work in a nursing home and kindness is a second nature to me. I get really upset when I can't help people. And right now I can't even help myself!
I know I sound needy, I guess that's because I am. I also worry what that will cause me.
Does anyone relate or have advise on how I can get a grip?