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Brennabean

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Hi all, hope we're all doing OK at least today!

Im just going to share my thoughts of today and if anyone can relate or provide some advise that would be amaze. 

I am a very insecure person, I suppose there are loads of contributing factors that a therapist would want to unravel, but in my thoughtful state of the last year I've managed to do that myself. Never seeing my mum as a child when she had 3 jobs made me feel like I wasn't good enough for her company (of course that was back then), emotionally, physically and sexual abuse boyfriends who scarred me mentally, and never really being great at something, only mediocre. Those are just a few. 

Today I woke up in a heart sinking rage because I dreamt that my SO had fallen for a work colleague. It took me about 10 minutes to calm down as even in dream state it hurt me so much I woke up in tears. The day went by, I wasn't doing much. My SO had a little heated moment because he took his work colleagues word over mine... Yes the matter was very trivial... And yes I was being silly when I got very upset over it. I know I hadn't thought it through properly, but instantly I felt betrayed.
 I could kiss the ground my SO walks on, and I never feel so small around anyone else. Thing is, he doesn't cause it. He is just amazing and I am in awe with him and I knew he was out of my league when we first started dating a year ago. That is just my perception of him. 
I worry that I love him too much... I used to keep myself at more of a distance with my exes because I knew they would end. But this one is a keeper. He really is lovely and I didn't think people like him existed. 
I've never felt more insecure, I worry that I worry too much and that's why he will leave. I worry he will fall in love with a smart and funny woman, 2 of those things I am not. I know this is contributing to my depression. 
I totally dig that buddhist stuff about being happy means to love yourself... And I was there at one point in my life.. But I can't find my way back and getting myself to believe that I am good enough or even too good is so hard! 
I spend my life trying to be good to the point where I don't really have to try anymore. I work in a nursing home and kindness is a second nature to me. I get really upset when I can't help people. And right now I can't even help myself! 
I know I sound needy, I guess that's because I am. I also worry what that will cause me. 
Does anyone relate or have advise on how I can get a grip?
 
Brennabean said:
Hi all, hope we're all doing OK at least today!

Im just going to share my thoughts of today and if anyone can relate or provide some advise that would be amaze. 

I am a very insecure person, I suppose there are loads of contributing factors that a therapist would want to unravel, but in my thoughtful state of the last year I've managed to do that myself. Never seeing my mum as a child when she had 3 jobs made me feel like I wasn't good enough for her company (of course that was back then), emotionally, physically and sexual abuse boyfriends who scarred me mentally, and never really being great at something, only mediocre. Those are just a few. 

Today I woke up in a heart sinking rage because I dreamt that my SO had fallen for a work colleague. It took me about 10 minutes to calm down as even in dream state it hurt me so much I woke up in tears. The day went by, I wasn't doing much. My SO had a little heated moment because he took his work colleagues word over mine... Yes the matter was very trivial... And yes I was being silly when I got very upset over it. I know I hadn't thought it through properly, but instantly I felt betrayed.
 I could kiss the ground my SO walks on, and I never feel so small around anyone else. Thing is, he doesn't cause it. He is just amazing and I am in awe with him and I knew he was out of my league when we first started dating a year ago. That is just my perception of him. 
I worry that I love him too much... I used to keep myself at more of a distance with my exes because I knew they would end. But this one is a keeper. He really is lovely and I didn't think people like him existed. 
I've never felt more insecure, I worry that I worry too much and that's why he will leave. I worry he will fall in love with a smart and funny woman, 2 of those things I am not. I know this is contributing to my depression. 
I totally dig that buddhist stuff about being happy means to love yourself... And I was there at one point in my life.. But I can't find my way back and getting myself to believe that I am good enough or even too good is so hard! 
I spend my life trying to be good to the point where I don't really have to try anymore. I work in a nursing home and kindness is a second nature to me. I get really upset when I can't help people. And right now I can't even help myself! 
I know I sound needy, I guess that's because I am. I also worry what that will cause me. 
Does anyone relate or have advise on how I can get a grip?
Click to expand...

"I worry he will fall in love with a smart and funny woman, 2 of those things I am not."
Well, that sounded pretty funny. And It takes a smarter person than I am to be doing a paper on what you're doing, so maybe, JUST maybe, you're smarter and funnier than you think you are.
Also, maybe it's just me, but if he didn't want to be around you and wanted someone else..he probably would have. ;-)
I don't know how helpful the advice is, because it's really not. You've obviously been through a lot but the process to bettering yourself doesn't happen overnight, it's a long sprint. You could probably start by little things. LIke once in a while, instead of getting very upset about something and letting it out one shot to have a heated moment with your S.O, try to just ignore it. Or write about it, in my case, writing helped a lot in the past, I had a journal from the age of 16 all the way through 25. You can write whatever you want and you can leave IN the book the things that you want to say or do, but shouldn't. Small things like that.
You can, also, learn to not be needy. I don't know how your boyfriend feels about it, but you obviously don't enjoy all that much feeling like you are. But that takes time. Little steps. You can realise how special he is without necessarily kissing the groung he walks on and that's by doing little things for him, once in a while. Not like, non stop.

But, and I think you already know this, you're not a bad person, he's not a bad person, there is no way this can't work. Thing is to slow down the rythym sometimes. Learn to be calm even when you don't feel like it. Hope it helps ;-)
 
Thanks Richard :)
Oh weird thing is I do keep a thought log, I'm only about a month in but and I'm starting to see the benefits. I'm gonna get a really pretty one for christmas once I've finished with the tattered old notepad :D... THEN I'll be happy.. Lol. 
But I need to be able to control myself when I get worked up, which is difficult because I don't see it coming and I can feel it going from 1 to 10 in maybe 6 seconds? I don't usually time it.
I know I'm not a bad person, I just want to be better now!!... Oh did I mention I was impatient?
 
Well, good news is, you get less impatient as you grow older.

Bad news? It's BECAUSE you grow older. Gets longer and longer to move from point A to point B and it hurts a lot more, so patience kind of develops itself ;-)
 
Be rational for a bit. Look at the image of this SO you have and how much you love him, think about how amazing he is to you... There's a reason for that. There's a reason to why he chose to be with you, why he likes you. You have this much respect, affection and admiration towards him, so you probably would trust his choices on many things -- especially on a worthwhile partner who makes him happy. Reflect on why someone like him, that you see in such a better light than yourself, is with you; because there you'll find the answer ("I don't know" or "it makes no sense" are unacceptable answers!). I know, it's always easier said than done, but it helps to make sense of why those insecurities present themselves in such illogical ways -- because it's wrong.

If that doesn't help, ask him directly and trust his word. Sounds like he cares about you, I'm sure he wouldn't mind reassuring you from time to time.

I know how hard it is to be this insecure/sensitive when it comes to relationships. Divided when disregarding anything but reality, because the illogical fears create such a physical level of pain and discomfort that it just seems real...
Hope you feel better soon.
 
I would say one thing you are great at is being kind. Not everyone gets upset when they can't do for others, in fact most people look the other way when the opprotunity to help another shows itself. At least out in the world. I've seen people step over someone crying in the streets, I've seen someone heartbroken on Valentine's day get called a "faggot" right after his boyfriend had stood him up. People can be cruel, so I'd say its great that you can't help but lessen the suffering of others
 
The whole idea of "believing in yourself" is foolish. Belief is just a strategy to deceive yourself.
 
M_also_lonely said:
The whole idea of "believing in yourself" is foolish. Belief is just a strategy to deceive yourself.
Click to expand...

I don't think so, I think truly believing in yourself is achievable, it just takes work.. For some it takes more work than others. I suppose worth is subjective, what you don't see in yourself others do.
 
I think you are both right, it depends on the outcome, believing in oneself might gibe them a temporary spurt of will/ambition to try new things and take a step to get out of a hole, if you succeed believing in yourself has definitely worked, if not you'll feel foolish for deceiving yourself and might actually be worse off.

I worry he will fall in love with a smart and funny woman, 2 of those things I am not.
Click to expand...

Watch out you don't get labeled a man ;) ... j/k, this is the sort of thoughts you'll need to counter, because from the comments you've made I do think you have above average intellect.
 
But I thought buddhist teachings spoke about the path to enlightenment.. I suppose enlightenment is subjective, but I think it is supposed to be oneness with and compassion for all, including the self.  So if I were compassionate to myself like I am to others (most of the time) I wouldn't be having these problems?
 
It sounds like you have a set of underlying beliefs about yourself and the world that you are unaware of. For example, you unconscious assume that your default is abandonment, and that you will be left aside UNLESS you work hard to give others what they want but you don't know what they want so you become anxious. No doubt that your early childhood experiences shaped this to a great extent. My advice is to act as if you were enough, as if you weren't going to be abandoned. If your SO thought you were great and you were sure they would not leave you, how would you act? If you act in that way you will see that you are not abandoned, and people treat you better because if you believe you are worth it so will they. You need new information about the world to see that people will not abandon you for no reason and to see that you are not fundamentally flawed.
I wrote the book "Assertiveness: Build Confidence, Earn Respect and Take Control" (kindle store) to explain the process of building self esteem and long lasting confidence.
 

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