Have you ever been afraid of losing yourself?

As some of you know I am a very goal oriented person. I am working my way up to becoming a Family Nurse Practitioner. Still have a ways to go. In my job, I meet people all the time. I get asked out my fair share of the time. The last guy who asked me out, I really liked talking to him. Then a woman he works with came up and told me he was, as she put it, smitten with me. I immediately felt afraid and cancelled our plans and avoided him since. I find myself torn between wanting someone in my life and the fear that they will become some overwhelming force that wants me to give up my dreams for the sake of the relationship. I have wondered if I am able to be in a relationship. My biggest fear is being in a relationship with a man who will challange and dominate who I am and what I love to do.
Itr's like, if I allow myself to get into a relationship right now, I'm screwed.

Have you ever been afraid of losing yourself in a relationship?`

Edit: Has anyone ever broke up with you because they wanted to pursue thier dreams and how did you feel?

well.. i havent been lost in any relationship.. coz i ve nver been in any good ones.. everybody s like.. "u hang around with me but you are invisible"..

i am afraid of losing.. i m pretty flexible if in the matter of relationships

Define "losing yourself."

When I think of losing someone, I think of it in an America's Most Wanted sense where you're trying to stash a body where no one will find it.

However, I'm confused as to how this applies to one's self.

lol.. that was a pretty elaborated one when i posted that reply.. think she s been modifying

Unacceptance said:

Define "losing yourself."

When I think of losing someone, I think of it in an America's Most Wanted sense where you're trying to stash a body where no one will find it.

However, I'm confused as to how this applies to one's self.

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RFLMAO!!! I went ahead and tried to be more specific in the post. Sorry for that.

Sanal said:

lol.. that was a pretty elaborated one when i posted that reply.. think she s been modifying

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I did, I guess I wasnt clear enough...lol I do have that problem sometimes...lol

Naleena said:

As some of you know I am a very goal oriented person. I am working my way up to becoming a Family Nurse Practitioner. Still have a ways to go. In my job, I meet people all the time. I get asked out my fair share of the time. The last guy who asked me out, I really liked talking to him. Then a woman he works with came up and told me he was, as she put it, smitten with me. I immediately felt afraid and cancelled our plans and avoided him since. I find myself torn between wanting someone in my life and the fear that they will become some overwhelming force that wants me to give up my dreams for the sake of the relationship. I have wondered if I am able to be in a relationship. My biggest fear is being in a relationship with a man who will challange and dominate who I am and what I love to do.
Itr's like, if I allow myself to get into a relationship right now, I'm screwed.

Have you ever been afraid of losing yourself in a relationship?`

Edit: Has anyone ever broke up with you because they wanted to pursue thier dreams and how did you feel?

Click to expand...

hhmmmm.....strangely, no.

Edit: No, to both questions.

No, not afraid, although I do STRONGLY resist any attempt to change who I am. Its a deal breaker for me.

For me, It was a lesson learnt the hard way, over the course of many years. In that case, I didn't see it happening, now I'm far more alert to it. I like who I am, and if you care about someone, then trying to change them into someone else seems silly.

Yes, someone has broken up with me to pursue their dreams... as in a job, anyway. Its a little unfair in the spirit of the question, as we both knew it was on the horizon (she had applied for the position before meeting me). So when the time came, it was sad, but it had been looming for the entire relationship.

Um...allow me to tell my story.
You see, I used to be very depressed and lonely...so I keep in touch with this girl named Yvonne I met in a club. Whenever I feel lonely I'd text her and she'd listen to me. She's really nice and unlike most people, she's willing to help. I had been texting her for about a month, then I found out she got a boyfriend, and..one day, I got a warning from someone telling me to stop texting her. Her boyfriend thinks that my messages were too personal and that I'm trying to get her attention. It seemed that her boyfriend was checking all of the messages in her phone. I asked her about it and she said it's true and her boyfriend isn't very happy with me. So she decided to stop texting me and we stopped being friends. And it's all because of her overprotective boyfriend.

I haven't been in a relationship, but...yea, you can lose yourself in one...

mmm...I've lost myself in a woman Nalee. It was screwie.lol

I like loosing myself in romance.. i like the feeling of being in love.
It's bette than doing drugs...the side effects and be just as bad.lol

Seriouley though, I remember will the day she told me to quit my band.
I felt like a part of me died
I guess that marriage didn't work out too well. Probably it's becuase she my ex-wf.

The last long term relationship I was in, I found myself loosing myself over time.
It's wierd becuase after a while you love the person and you try to do the right
thing. As a guy, I took on a role of a provider. All my dreams or wants kind of
got put on the back burner. If you have kids....that happens. So I was thinking,
I wasn't really loosing myself but growning into a bigger part of me.
I love children....or i was ready to settle down.

But my ex-gf was an alcoholic, so....it was like a hundred times worst.
Gradually, I took on the role of care taker, mess picker upper, and doormate.lol
Maybe this is what you're asking about ?
You loose, loose youself in ways you don't even recognize....Mostly from lack of sleep
and the chaso of it all. You become so emotionally attach to them..that you can't live
without them. Fear, guilt and just plane simple fact that you love that person.
Who would of thought that Loving someone can be a bad thing....
Yeah...some alki has veriouse traits of being a control freak or lack there of.
It just depends what mood they're in.lmao
Anyway, there's people that understands me and the honeysuckle that i had to endured.

Then again....it's better to have lost at love than to have nevered loved at all.lol

Can't you just take him for a test drive ..nalee ?
Maybe just a joy ride ?

<<<<<<< Naleena >>>>>>>>

Why do believe in the words of some woman ? You don't know if she knows him that good or may be she is just jeleous or hate him, honeysuckle happenes.

Naleena,

Reading your post has struck a chord with me. I had a relationship where I did end up losing myself (meaning my self identity, self worth, self esteem, etc.). I still can't figure out why I tried so hard to have the love of someone who was a self described selfish *****. Maybe it was the challenge, maybe it was because those rare moments she was so incredibly sweet and kind meant so much to me,.....I suspect I'll never find the answer. When I left it was for good- moved to another city, cut off all ties to mutual friends and spent 4 years not dating or having any relationship to get over the 3 years of agony with her. I've never been able to regain the happy go lucky carefree existence I had before before meeting her. I miss being that person.

She did contact me several years after all of this occurred. The first phone call did give me a rush of excitement. So did the second. Then there was a day where I worked late- the phone messages (over a 5 hour period) went from sweet and kind to manipulative to angry. As I listened to them (the last couple very slurred- I hadn't realized until then that she was an alcoholic- real eye opener for me) I felt something die in me (pretty sure it was hope). I immediately moved again and changed my phone number- it's been 11 years since I last spoke with her but it does amaze me that there is still some degree of power over me as I refuse to go back to my home town. And I still struggle with giving myself over in a relationship because I've fought so hard to regain a sense of self again.

I used to be with a girl during my junior high years. We knew each other for quite some time and used to help one another out a lot during shop class. She would go in and out of some sort of conflict with friends and enemies alike, so I stood by her, sometimes trying to shield her. Eventually, I agreed to be with her. She hadn't been more happier in her life at the time because she felt appreciated.

Things went... Alright, I suppose. Lasting about a few months. We hardly had the chance to really express our feelings to each other, but in that way, it was alright. I had no clue what to express or how to feel. The complicated thing is, I don't think I ever knew what the sensation of loving someone in a romantic nature. Frankly, I still don't. I've never understood or could 'feel' such a concept as romance or a desire for intimacy. In turn, the natural human defense came into play. I began to fear the concept of romance itself.

This fear only began to influence my way of thinking after many considerations and observations of others in love with each other. I wanted to learn and understand it, but I soon discovered that you can't learn an 'addiction' or 'dependency'. My discovery throughout this experience was that love is no different than some mind-altering addiction the same way minds become addicted to food, exercise, video games, the internet, cigarettes, or alcohol. The mind craves and demands it constantly, the hunger insatiable. It leaves one in a state of desire. Their behaviors change entirely and their need to feed more on the other person's emotive behaviors and advances steadily become an all-consuming goal. Life goals take second place to this need, then soon become pointless when compared to the needs and desires of a reciprocated relationship.

It was this in my discovery that I became completely terrified of love itself. I am an ambitious sort with a desire to lead a very independent life without any form of liability I can avoid. I don't care to have family or children, just many friends. My life goals would be unattainable in my eyes if I were tied down to an addiction like this, an addiction to be one with another forever. I can't imagine my life like that, becoming some sort of love-sick zombie craving that unrewarding gratification.

So through my discovery, I became terrified of being with her. I had no idea what to say, do, or feel around someone who wanted me to emote my love back. Even the all-so-very harsh questions stung at my guilt of things like "why don't we ever kiss and hug?", or "why won't you say you love me when I do?". Needless to say, I was beside myself in fear for hurting her. And I knew it was bound to happen because she was as addicted to the sensation of love as I feared I thought I would become.

Eventually, we separated, but only after I broke down and explained to her in great length of my dilemma. It took her a while to understand that I am simply addle-minded in the concepts of love itself. Without a means to express, feel, or desire for it, it's an impossible joy for me to perceive it as others would.

Long story summed up, I'm terrified of falling in love for losing my sight on life goals. In conjunction to this, I've never been able to comprehend or feel such feelings. I can very much relate with this subject...

K, Naleen.

You know all my secrets. You know about all the
Stuff Ive lived through and many roads ive traveled that
Within this past year. I quit my job and kicked GF to the curbs for her
You heard my tears. My cries. My fears while i was in Reno.
You heard my screams when I returned to CA.
You know of my guilt and shame.

Anyways, I drove 1500 miles from CA to TX to be with her
Again. IM WAY BEYOND LOSING MYSELF FOR RENAE.
Talk about being a gypsy and traveling the country.LMAO

Renae was my HS sweetheart. My so call EX FIANCE.
Now you know why im into blondes with big boobs.
Every women or relationships that came after her...
Ill either pick someone like her, try to turn them into
Her or sabatage the relationship. Or get into relationship
The i know wont work or last.

Renae have been doing the same sort of thing.
Im no different then her in many many ways.

Im not so zure if im loosing myself or finding myself

Sometimes I worry that entering a stable monogamous relationship in the near future will kill my early 20's wanderlust for good. I have wild oats to sew, meeting "the one" right now would kind of tamper with that, lol. It is nice to have a "love interest" so to speak, and there are a lot of people who don't mind keeping it casual, but at the same time do I want something that shallow? ::shrugs:: honeysuckle's confusing.

Afraid of it? Oh no. It's beyond that. It happened. My last significant relationship with a guy made me lose touch with who I was. Not really my professional dream, that stayed, but everything else went off. During that relationship, all we ever did were the things HE liked to do. He wanted to share his personal hobbies and stuff with me, and when it was time to share my personal hobbies and stuff, he kept saying we could do it later. Later never happened. 10 months later, he broke up... Took me a few years to reconnect with who I was, the things I liked to do, etc. He had taken way too much of my attention. When he broke up, it felt like getting cut loose in a terrible void, because there had been just him, his stuff, his universe, all around us, for the whole relationship. I let it happen because I didn't see what could be wrong with it, but... now I know. And whatever next relationship I get will be rather balanced, and not such a merge again.

It did happen to me. I guess I became a bit obsessed with him and completely forgot about myself when we started dating. I just... it's a powerful feeling to have such strong feelings for someone but it really was out of control. I stopped doing the things I enjoyed and would sit there waiting to talk after work. Then when we moved in together I found out we didn't really even have much in common so I did nothing except my tasks and be online(talking with friends) because I didn't like the boredom. I moved away from family. I did this for some years till some crap happened and I started realizing this is my life and I am my own person..and if you can't do this for me..then I'm gone.

Okiedokes said:

It did happen to me. I guess I became a bit obsessed with him and completely forgot about myself when we started dating. I just... it's a powerful feeling to have such strong feelings for someone but it really was out of control. I stopped doing the things I enjoyed and would sit there waiting to talk after work. Then when we moved in together I found out we didn't really even have much in common so I did nothing except my tasks and be online(talking with friends) because I didn't like the boredom. I moved away from family. I did this for some years till some crap happened and I started realizing this is my life and I am my own person..and if you can't do this for me..then I'm gone.

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Wow. It seems to happen a lot. Do you think it's a question of spending too much time together and not setting enough boundaries with the other person about your freetime?

The 'old' me - the person I used to be... is gone.

I'm not entirely certain I like who I am at the moment, but at least I'm alive.

PurpleDays said:

The 'old' me - the person I used to be... is gone.

I'm not entirely certain I like who I am at the moment, but at least I'm alive.

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what changed? how different are you?