I hate myself

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lovableplatypus

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Thinking about it hurts and makes me cry but it's true, I  hate myself. I hate to be around people, I hate to see my reflection on surfaces, I hate my voice and the fact that I'm shy and socially isolated. Whenever I go someplace new (new job, school, etc) I can act happy and social for a couple of days but then I change back to myself, barely looking anyone in the eye, barely greeting anyone. That's just because my voice has always been so quiet, no one ever hears me. That's why people probably think I'm rude but I'm not, I'm just shy and awkward.  It makes me wnder what is wrong with me when I greet someone and they don't even respond (because they can't hear me) . I can't relax, my smile is usually the awkward kind that doesn't reach the eyes. Everyday is hard, I'm suffering because of all of this.

This self hatred has always been with me, I don't know how to be different anymore. I just don't know how long I can keep living this way. Can't form meaningful relationships etc.

Sometimes I have a lot to say to people but I can't say it aloud. Words don't come out of my mouth. I just hate this.


I think I would have needed therapy ever since I was a kid. I was always like this. I'm already 24.
 
Hi loveableplatypus. I'm sorry to hear about your situation, it's a tough life eh? 
You remind me of myself, I go through bouts of depression and feel the same way. Sometimes I look back on things I've done or the state I'm currently in and cry because I feel so pathetic and lonely.  But I generally go through self care routines (skin care, gym, yoga, writing a diary) they do help to a degree, but it takes practise at a more compassionate mindset to polish it off. It sounds easier than it is.
Oh and with your quietness, my situation is like the opposite, people think I'm rude when I can't actually hear them as I'm partially deaf and I get self conscious about it because I really want friends. 
This forum has been helpful for me, meeting some really nice people who are all in a bad place, like us, and we can talk about what's bugging us without feeling like we're being judged. I hope it helps you, too. 
Feel free to pm me if you want to talk :)
 
Self-confidence and respect is a very important thing and it's sometimes hard to feel, I agree. I can relate, because I used to be someone who's personality was incredibly ugly, still is sometimes. No one is as hard on me as much as I am to myself, sometimes to the point of insanity. I know it's unhealthy, but there it is. It's not necessarily rational. I know it's because I have low self-esteem as well, no matter what people say to me as nice things, I never believe them. I'm not used to it. So I understand a bit how you feel. I don't know that I have solid advice to overcome that, except to encourage you to change what you can and want to change if you really want it, as for the rest, it's a long process, but learn to accept it. As a new recepient of therapy, I can tell you it's not a bad thing at all and encourage you to seek it out.

As for saying a lot but no one can hear you...say it hear. We can hear you. I know it's not the same, but it's a start.
Good luck, mam'zelle.
 
I hate too to be around other peoples, i realized it today. I'm always trying to improve, to connect with others, failing every time. It seems almost that i can't enjoy life. The thought that i will be forever alone is always present and never leaves me.

And i don't have physical "problems", so i really think this is something that comes from the inside. I'm trying to create a chat where we talk on daily basis, supporting each other and cheering for our successes. The adherence was quite low ( only one person pm'd me ) but it can be a possibility to find a real friend ::) so, think about it, we are on the same boat
 
lovableplatypus, my monotreme friend....

You are thinking in terms of trying to meet the standards of society.

Let me give you an alternative. BUGGER SOCIETY. It is geared towards extroverts. They make the rules. Well, excuse me but fresia THEM. You want to be reserved and quiet? DO IT. You want to not talk much? DO IT. You want to not like the sound of your voice or your reflection? Absolutely fine. I don't either. Don't let the bastards grind you down.
 
Thank you for your responses. TheLoadedDog, your words truly made my day better. Why shouldn't I just be me? I've also been thinking about talking to someone about this, especially someone I work with - it would make me feel better if at least one person knew that I'm just incredibly reserved, I don't mean to be mean or arrogant (as some people sometimes see me... and it makes me sad).
 
I have struggled with self hate as well at times. It is common for me to beat myself up and not extend myself grace with each mistake I make. It's even worse when I feel rejected by others, like their opinions of me define me, when I know that they don't. I heard a few things that have helped me: 1) It starts in your thoughts. Watch what you meditate on. Is it negative. If it is and you catch it, flip it to the positive if you can. 2) What you say is what you are. And what you say starts with what you think. So, when you want to pick yourself apart, switch it to speaking affirmations over yourself instead. You may be able to find a list of affirmations on Google or Pinterest. I personally incorporate some scriptures from the Bible. There is a book titled "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer that helped me and may help you with changing your thinking patterns. Wishing you the best!
 
LovablePlatypus sometimes the way we think as in saying I am ugly, I hate my voice and I hate this or that only makes it worse. I know I used to think the same thing about myself, I didn't like how I looked, I started to tell myself that I was ugly, that I had too many moles, that I was not like the rest of people. I found anything I could to put myself down and the more I did it the worse it would get.

It's not easy to be positive with yourself, to be happy but sometimes you just have to tell yourself that you are beautiful, that you do have a nice voice and that you are great. Now, I don't know if this would help you but I was looking on youtube and just trying to find motivational videos to cheer me up. Well I came across one about the 5, 4, 3 , 2, 1 method. Basically you count back from 5 - 1 when a thought comes up.

Maybe this will help you when you start feeling negative about yourself. You can really use the method for anything, it from what I remember seeing is supposed to trick your brain and it has been proven to work for a lot of people. Like for example if I am feeling lazy and not wanting to do anything or whatever it is, I will try to count back 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and then get up.

When you have a thought that comes into your head quickly count back replace it with something positive and don't let it get you down. Smile, after all A Smile is just a curve that sets everything straight. :)
 
This book made it easier to accept myself: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking is a 2012 non-fiction book written by Susan Cain. Cain argues that modern Western culture misunderstands and undervalues the traits and capabilities of introverted people, leading to "a colossal waste of talent, energy, and happiness.''

Also following some introvert/social anxiety tumblr blogs made me feel less bothered by my quietness. I like my quietness. In the religion I was in it was considered a good quality but in the world at large I had to drink alcohol (a lot, everyday) to keep up...until I accepted that I am a lovely, kind, sensitive, quiet, introvert :)
 
lovableplatypus said:
Thinking about it hurts and makes me cry but it's true, I  hate myself. I hate to be around people, I hate to see my reflection on surfaces, I hate my voice and the fact that I'm shy and socially isolated. Whenever I go someplace new (new job, school, etc) I can act happy and social for a couple of days but then I change back to myself, barely looking anyone in the eye, barely greeting anyone. That's just because my voice has always been so quiet, no one ever hears me. That's why people probably think I'm rude but I'm not, I'm just shy and awkward.  It makes me wnder what is wrong with me when I greet someone and they don't even respond (because they can't hear me) . I can't relax, my smile is usually the awkward kind that doesn't reach the eyes. Everyday is hard, I'm suffering because of all of this.

This self hatred has always been with me, I don't know how to be different anymore. I just don't know how long I can keep living this way. Can't form meaningful relationships etc.

Sometimes I have a lot to say to people but I can't say it aloud. Words don't come out of my mouth. I just hate this.


I think I would have needed therapy ever since I was a kid. I was always like this. I'm already 24.


Join the club. Life sucks. 
 

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