Godzilla73
Member
This is long, but I wanted to share my story so that others who are going through something will know that it can and will get better. Most of my life I have been the unpopular type, someone who just didn't have a lot of self esteem and I also struggled in school. I sucked at it, so it already started a long time ago. I felt like I was useless and there were many times in my life where I just wanted to end it or I felt like killing myself. Now, I also grew up with a mom who was also very emotional, she was always saying stupid things like I hate you, or I want to kill myself and really for someone growing up that is not a good thing. It probably started some bad habits in me as in saying it myself. It really took a long time to try and get past that and love myself for who I am and not beat myself up.
It wasn't until 1994 that I met my wife, I was shy as I am but not as much now. I really never had a girlfriend, I couldn't really even look people in the eye. I mean the motivation and the self esteem in me was so low. I gained the courage to ask her not to date but to do something. I felt so weird asking as I was sure she was going to reject me. Well, over the years things just were not that great. I seemed to get stuck with someone who really wasn't very emotional and I am a very sensitive guy, I can't help it but she just seemed like she was closed off. We did get along great at first, but over the years it just seemed to get worse and worse. We would fight often at our first house, it was not a good one and definitely a fixer upper. We would argue more than we would be happy with each other. The things that I was going through were not fun. It seemed as though my depression was only getting worse and I didn't really know I had depression until 2009. We got married in 1999 and all that time I had no idea that I was depressed. Now I know that depression runs in my family, but she was also making me more depressed.
The things that I put up with living with someone who was controlling, anal, non emotional and also didn't seem to smile only pushed me to the breaking point. For many years until 2007 we tried to have a child, with me being the issue it was almost impossible. We tried for years and no luck, finally we had to go the route of In Vitro. Although, it took three of those which are not cheap to even get a daughter. Now, for a while my happiness was through the roof, I had a daughter and I never imagined it would happen, my marriage seemed to be getting better but then it just started to go down hill. As I was saying it wasn't until around 2009 that I realized I was being very mean, I was yelling and arguing with her and I was really not a very nice person and to think that I wasn't a nice person is crazy because I am always very polite and easy going.
I found out that I not only had depression but also Diabetes and knowing that my mom had it was not a surprise to me. So now I was faced with having two conditions which can only make it worse. For those who have Diabetes when your blood sugars get high you can get sluggish and crabby and maybe not always crabby but it was not a good mix. Things got even worse, we would argue more, I would yell because of stupid stuff and the way she was being. There were times that I tried to kill myself by taking too much slow acting insulin and good thing that it doesn't work right away. I was very lucky and what a stupid thing it was, but I learned my lesson. My emotions were through the roof and most of the time I would threaten but I would follow through with it. That's just how I am, maybe it was my faith in knowing that if I was to commit suicide it would end up badly as I don't want to go to Hell and I don't want to be without my family, things that you don't think about at the time.
Well, around 2014 I kind of lost it and that got me locked up overnight to be evaluated, all because of a stupid post on facebook saying that I was going to kill myself and my emotions once again got the better of me. Something else happened but I don't want to get into that, basically my life changed from that moment on. I was now living with my parents, I didn't see my daughter everyday like I was used to and I was thrown into a world of hurt and that was the worst time that I could ever go through. It was so hard, each day I cried so hard, I felt so alone and I kept asking why me? It took months to really start to accept that my life was done with her and that I just had to move on. I would watch motivational videos to try and cheer me up, I would go for walks which really helps with the moods, something I can't do now because of the cold but I can exercise.
So I was really going through a lot and then I was also living with parents and that sucked, well for two years I lived with them and then they finally decided to fix up a property they owned and let me stay in it. So I moved in Aug of 2016. Life was still hell, I mean I go from being with someone and seeing my daughter to nothing. I didn't really have any friends other than family, because I felt like if I tried to make a friend she would get mad at me for going somewhere. She was just that emotionally abusive and controlling that it drove me up the wall.
So it wasn't until Dec of 2016 after I lost one of my jobs that I told myself I need to seriously get my life together, I need to stop hating her and forgive her for the way she was being. I also had to start taking care of my life and be happy. Well, I went to a support group, I started to meet people and it really helped to talk to others about my situation and being separated, that was great. Too bad they didn't have another one recently or I would of been going.
Then I found a group in the bulletin of my church, it is one called Connected Catholics, and it's like a group that meets at restaurants, goes hiking, etc.. that are Seperated, Widowed or Divorced. I never got a chance to meet up with the group because of my schedule at work, but I plan to when I see the next function. Not only that, but then through that same group in an email I heard about a guest night at this dance studio. I was excited, I never really knew how to dance and it was free. So I went and I actually paid like $39 for a month membership when it normally is $59 for starters. I went each Friday for a month, learning how to dance as well has having two private lessons that were 30 mins each. So that was a lot of fun, not only did I meet more people but it was kind of fun learning how to dance while hearing some cool music.
Well I couldn't really afford to sign up for the membership as I also was working some crazy hours at the next job. Now, from that same support group I found out about another singles group. It's one that has been going on for a long time, It's every other Saturday night and most of the time it is a bible study, but sometimes they do other things that are fun, like this Saturday it is a New Years Eve Party.
So, as you can see from the way things were going I was so miserable and down, I hated my life and I hated myself. Slowly it seems to be improving, I am starting to finally feel like the person I never had a chance to be. It's great, but I still suffer with Loneliness and that's why I am here. I'm here to make friends, to give others support.
So, no matter how hard things get just remember that it will and can get better. I have been through a lot and i'm still learning how to improve on myself.
So hang in there and remember Life is hard, but we have the strength inside us to endure it.
It wasn't until 1994 that I met my wife, I was shy as I am but not as much now. I really never had a girlfriend, I couldn't really even look people in the eye. I mean the motivation and the self esteem in me was so low. I gained the courage to ask her not to date but to do something. I felt so weird asking as I was sure she was going to reject me. Well, over the years things just were not that great. I seemed to get stuck with someone who really wasn't very emotional and I am a very sensitive guy, I can't help it but she just seemed like she was closed off. We did get along great at first, but over the years it just seemed to get worse and worse. We would fight often at our first house, it was not a good one and definitely a fixer upper. We would argue more than we would be happy with each other. The things that I was going through were not fun. It seemed as though my depression was only getting worse and I didn't really know I had depression until 2009. We got married in 1999 and all that time I had no idea that I was depressed. Now I know that depression runs in my family, but she was also making me more depressed.
The things that I put up with living with someone who was controlling, anal, non emotional and also didn't seem to smile only pushed me to the breaking point. For many years until 2007 we tried to have a child, with me being the issue it was almost impossible. We tried for years and no luck, finally we had to go the route of In Vitro. Although, it took three of those which are not cheap to even get a daughter. Now, for a while my happiness was through the roof, I had a daughter and I never imagined it would happen, my marriage seemed to be getting better but then it just started to go down hill. As I was saying it wasn't until around 2009 that I realized I was being very mean, I was yelling and arguing with her and I was really not a very nice person and to think that I wasn't a nice person is crazy because I am always very polite and easy going.
I found out that I not only had depression but also Diabetes and knowing that my mom had it was not a surprise to me. So now I was faced with having two conditions which can only make it worse. For those who have Diabetes when your blood sugars get high you can get sluggish and crabby and maybe not always crabby but it was not a good mix. Things got even worse, we would argue more, I would yell because of stupid stuff and the way she was being. There were times that I tried to kill myself by taking too much slow acting insulin and good thing that it doesn't work right away. I was very lucky and what a stupid thing it was, but I learned my lesson. My emotions were through the roof and most of the time I would threaten but I would follow through with it. That's just how I am, maybe it was my faith in knowing that if I was to commit suicide it would end up badly as I don't want to go to Hell and I don't want to be without my family, things that you don't think about at the time.
Well, around 2014 I kind of lost it and that got me locked up overnight to be evaluated, all because of a stupid post on facebook saying that I was going to kill myself and my emotions once again got the better of me. Something else happened but I don't want to get into that, basically my life changed from that moment on. I was now living with my parents, I didn't see my daughter everyday like I was used to and I was thrown into a world of hurt and that was the worst time that I could ever go through. It was so hard, each day I cried so hard, I felt so alone and I kept asking why me? It took months to really start to accept that my life was done with her and that I just had to move on. I would watch motivational videos to try and cheer me up, I would go for walks which really helps with the moods, something I can't do now because of the cold but I can exercise.
So I was really going through a lot and then I was also living with parents and that sucked, well for two years I lived with them and then they finally decided to fix up a property they owned and let me stay in it. So I moved in Aug of 2016. Life was still hell, I mean I go from being with someone and seeing my daughter to nothing. I didn't really have any friends other than family, because I felt like if I tried to make a friend she would get mad at me for going somewhere. She was just that emotionally abusive and controlling that it drove me up the wall.
So it wasn't until Dec of 2016 after I lost one of my jobs that I told myself I need to seriously get my life together, I need to stop hating her and forgive her for the way she was being. I also had to start taking care of my life and be happy. Well, I went to a support group, I started to meet people and it really helped to talk to others about my situation and being separated, that was great. Too bad they didn't have another one recently or I would of been going.
Then I found a group in the bulletin of my church, it is one called Connected Catholics, and it's like a group that meets at restaurants, goes hiking, etc.. that are Seperated, Widowed or Divorced. I never got a chance to meet up with the group because of my schedule at work, but I plan to when I see the next function. Not only that, but then through that same group in an email I heard about a guest night at this dance studio. I was excited, I never really knew how to dance and it was free. So I went and I actually paid like $39 for a month membership when it normally is $59 for starters. I went each Friday for a month, learning how to dance as well has having two private lessons that were 30 mins each. So that was a lot of fun, not only did I meet more people but it was kind of fun learning how to dance while hearing some cool music.
Well I couldn't really afford to sign up for the membership as I also was working some crazy hours at the next job. Now, from that same support group I found out about another singles group. It's one that has been going on for a long time, It's every other Saturday night and most of the time it is a bible study, but sometimes they do other things that are fun, like this Saturday it is a New Years Eve Party.
So, as you can see from the way things were going I was so miserable and down, I hated my life and I hated myself. Slowly it seems to be improving, I am starting to finally feel like the person I never had a chance to be. It's great, but I still suffer with Loneliness and that's why I am here. I'm here to make friends, to give others support.
So, no matter how hard things get just remember that it will and can get better. I have been through a lot and i'm still learning how to improve on myself.
So hang in there and remember Life is hard, but we have the strength inside us to endure it.
