Overcoming The Past

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Elyseon

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Has anyone ever had anything really bad happen to you that even decades later affects ever single action you take in life? I have crippling anxiety, I have trouble trusting people and I have trouble making and maintaining friendships. I spent many years as a shut in, I am slowly coming out more but I still feel most comfortable in my room with the door locked.

My interests have always been different from everyone else's and I won't pretend to be someone else just to make a friend. But even if I weren't a weirdo I would still have difficulty making friends. 

I want to live a normal life and function as a normal person and I absolutely loath myself most days to the point where it makes me feel sick to even look at myself in the mirror. I feel pathetic, and I feel like a loser. 

I want to just be able to get past this and live my life. I wish it were as simple as just "getting over it" as a lot of people make it out to be when anyone has any sort of mental illness. I really hate the phrase too, mental illness it carries such a stigma, people either don't take it seriously and treat you like a faker or whiner or they think that you are crazy and could snap at any minute. Which is why I have kept everything to myself for 20 years and people only know surface areas of it.

I always feel like I don't belong, like I am another species, watching other people who seem to be well adjusted and living life normally. I don't feel like I am one of them if that makes any sense.

How long am I supposed to carry this? Why can't I move on? Those are thoughts I have sometimes. Its lonely when no one around you can relate to you at all.

Sorry for rambling and being stupid. Just feeling like I am all alone in this and that no one can understand what I am going through.
 
You are not rambling on at all. Good for you to get it out. I have social anxiety too and that has been with me for a long time. I don't know how to shake it.
 
That feeling of not belonging, the trouble trusting someone, the trouble forming and maintaining friendships, the wish to get past this and the tantalization of seeing other people living 'normally'.......all that could have been written by me.
We have a few things in common Elyseon. Your struggles have my sympathy.
 
The past is always a tricky thing. I like to call those thins that trip you up roots. Roots to the shyness t anxiety the why you do things the way you do things why you retreat and fall into isolation. Its always trying to find the root and killing that then try and fix everything else thats going in the now.I'm speaking to myself of course.
The fact that youre trying to slowly come out is a good place to start. Don't feel the need to rush it. Walk it out in your own time.
 
Being in your room with the door locked ROCKS. Nothing to be ashamed of.

THere are introverts and there are extroverts. The latter tend to run society ansd make the rules. Well, fresia them. You don't have to go nightclubbing or skydiving. Sit at home and have a nice cup of tea.
 
Hi Elyseon

I don't know how old you are but I personally think if you don't mind me saying it's beneficial to make steps to overcome your anxiety as soon as you can.I'm mid forties crippled with shyness and social anxiety and its not Good.l know it was my frightening solitary father as a child that effected me. If I could turn back the clock and ask him to talk to me be nice not shout slam doors so that I was constantly hiding under the bed I know I at least would have the confidence to talk to people and follow my interests throughout my life.Only now with experience and realisation I'm waisting my life am I making small steps to beat the fear

I really hope you can conquer the anxiety with help from people here and not live a life of regret of not doing things like me.As they say it's good to talk don't worry about rambling there are good hearts here alot in the same boat some that have the knowledge to help and mentor if you like you just need to reach out to them.Goodluck
 
Joturbo said:
Hi Elyseon

I don't how old you are but I personally think if you don't mind me saying it's beneficial to make steps to overcome your anxiety as soon as you can.I'm mid forties crippled with shyness and social anxiety and its not Good.l know it was my frightening solitary father as a child that effected me. If I could turn back the clock and ask him to talk to me be nice not shout slam doors so that I was constantly hiding under the bed I know I at least would have the confidence to talk to people and follow my interests throughout my life.Only now with experience and realisation I'm waisting my life am I making small steps to beat the fear

I really hope you can conquer the anxiety with help from people here and not live a life of regret of not doing things like me.As they say it's good to talk don't worry about rambling there are good hearts here alot in the same boat some that have the knowledge to help and mentor if you like you just need to reach out to them.Goodluck


This is an interesting point.  Shyness etc.

I can go out and talk the talk and walk the walk.  I can go to a crowded nightclub or a pub.  I can do public speaking.  So you might think that I'm not shy.  You might think I've got my honeysuckle together.

Uh uh.

Doing those things takes all the energy out of me.  I just want to go home and sleep.  I don't choose to use the word "shy" though.  I'm not shy.  I fear nobody.  But I am reserved.
 
I think the question is why are you afraid to let it go?
No, don't get me wrong, I know it's difficult as hell and I'm not trying to be a ***** here. But, I've found that people are generally afraid of letting things go. If they don't have that anymore, their life if their own problem, there are no more excuses. By hanging on to whatever it is, it gives you an excuse to feel like a lesser person. It's not "your" fault as long as you have something.
Letting that something go, moving on from it places everything in your corner. What if you fail? What if it doesn't change? What if you still aren't good enough? What if the earth is flat?
I threw that last one in there to demonstrate how ridiculous it is. (Hopefully you aren't a flat earther. lol) But the only time you fail is when you give up and stop trying. You will fall, you just have to make sure you are prepared to get back up. It will never change if you do nothing. You always were good enough, it's them that weren't.

Just start slow, build your way up. There's no reason to dive in head first. Get your feet wet, and do what you can, just be sure you are stepping out of your comfort zone at least a tiny bit.
 
Elyseon said:
 Why can't I move on? 

Firstly, yes I have/do experience something similar. Whatever happened may have ended up shaping your view of yourself as you went through those formative stages. There's something to be said for trying to get out of negative thought patterns (as trite as that kind of advice sounds).   Going over it again and again  perpetuates self-loathing/self-pity, which does nothing to resolve things. As for 'using it as a crutch' (above post), at some point it stops functioning as a crutch so that's not really fair.

You may have to seek help from somewhere, either a professional or someone who's been through whatever it was.
 
I guess there are points when I can let it go for a moment but then something happens that triggers a sometimes forgotten memory and I go into full blown panic mode. I have nightmares and will stay awake for days at a time. I am really angry at myself for not being able to overcome this even 2 decades later. Maybe my problem is that I keep everything to myself and no one in my life knows what happened or what I am going through.
 
ardour said:
Elyseon said:
 Why can't I move on? 

Firstly, yes I have/do experience something similar. Whatever happened may have ended up shaping your view of yourself as you went through those formative stages.  There's something to be said for trying to getting out of negative thought patterns (as trite as that kind of advice  sounds).   Going over it again and again  perpetuates  self-loathing/self-pity, which does nothing to resolve things.  As for 'using it as a crutch' (above post), at some point it stops functioning as a crutch so that's not really fair.

You may  have to  seek help from somewhere, either a professional or  someone who's been through something similar.
In my situation it feels more an anchor thats pulling me under water than a crutch and every time I unwrap the chain another link ends up tangled.
 
Helps to have a confidant.
I talk about everything, and I mean absolutely everything, with my mother
(Yes, I'm a mommy's boy, sue me :p)
I know what you feel like. I've recently had the most horrible thing in the world happen to my family and I got to tell you, if I had my way? This world would be screaming in pain.
So I shut myself in. And it helps. Everyone's wired differently but to me it helps, because I can't honestly say I still love planet Earth.
But I still love some places, some people in it. So I make an effort for specific situations or people to actually take a part.
But I've always felt apart from this world.
And, I don't know about you, but it suits me just fine. Maybe if this world wanted me to be a part of it to begin with, it would have shown more consideration in the first place, considering all that I HAVE done for it and the people on it.

Does it ever go away? Dunno. Don't think so.
Trick isn't as much to have it go away, I think, as much as to learn how to live relatively normally with it. I still keep some connections with reality, like this site, like other little things.
But honestly, reality sucks. Why would I want it more than I absolutely need to?
 
Thanks for your input guys. It just feels frustrating sometimes wen you take 1 step forward and then 2 steps back, or at least it seems that way.
 
In my experience something really bad did happen to me, and even 20+ years later I'm still working to overcome it, my bad is one that will get much understanding later in life, no one will think it's anything serious and it shouldn't affect me still, as you say.... you need to just get over it.
And if you say you can't you are made to feel ashamed for it...

It's this lack of respect and understanding for a personal situation that is making it hard, most people view life from their own perspective, and completely fail to gasp the gravity of the situation, they simply do not know, they have other issues, issues that are more wide spread and accepted, that will get them that care, understanding, patience and help we all need.

There is a problem in your life, something eating away at your core and you say you have kept everything to yourself all this time, if this is true, if there is no one that knows what you've been carrying with you for over 2 decades, then you need to start opening up, and let someone know... (PM me if you like) It will be like opening a floodgate, just a little trickle at first, but then it starts rushing through all at once, and there is no closing that gate now even if you tried. It will be hard, and you will be a mess more than you've ever been before you can start to heal.

I always feel like I don't belong, like I am another species, watching other people who seem to be well adjusted and living life normally. I don't feel like I am one of them if that makes any sense.

It makes perfect sense to me...

How long am I supposed to carry this? Why can't I move on? Those are thoughts I have sometimes. Its lonely when no one around you can relate to you at all.

I think I can relate, probably not because of similar experiences, but because if similar results...

Sorry for rambling and being stupid. Just feeling like I am all alone in this and that no one can understand what I am going through.

It's OK to ramble, you are NOT being stupid, I think I understand, if not than know that I care and feel for you...
 
MisterLonely said:
In my experience something really bad did happen to me, and even 20+ years later I'm still working to overcome it, my bad is one that will get much understanding later in life, no one will think it's anything serious and it shouldn't affect me still, as you say.... you need to just get over it.
And if you say you can't you are made to feel ashamed for it...

It's this lack of respect and understanding for a personal situation that is making it hard, most people view life from their own perspective, and completely fail to gasp the gravity of the situation, they simply do not know, they have other issues, issues that are more wide spread and accepted, that will get them that care, understanding, patience and help we all need.

There is a problem in your life, something eating away at your core and you say you have kept everything to yourself all this time, if this is true, if there is no one that knows what you've been carrying with you for over 2 decades, then you need to start opening up, and let someone know... (PM me if you like) It will be like opening a floodgate, just a little trickle at first, but then it starts rushing through all at once, and there is no closing that gate now even if you tried. It will be hard, and you will be a mess more than you've ever been before you can start to heal.

I always feel like I don't belong, like I am another species, watching other people who seem to be well adjusted and living life normally. I don't feel like I am one of them if that makes any sense.

It makes perfect sense to me...

How long am I supposed to carry this? Why can't I move on? Those are thoughts I have sometimes. Its lonely when no one around you can relate to you at all.

I think I can relate, probably not because of similar experiences, but because if similar results...

Sorry for rambling and being stupid. Just feeling like I am all alone in this and that no one can understand what I am going through.

It's OK to ramble, you are NOT being stupid, I think I understand, if not than know that I care and feel for you...
Thanks a lot. You put that into great perspective. I definitely agree that people tend to use their own life experiences and views and apply them to other people. Some people handle things differently even from the same situations. And the whole being shamed for not being able to just get over something is a big reason why people who have any form of mental health problems tend to isolate themselves and bury their heads further into the sand. I never talk to people about my issues in real life because I always am left feeling disappointed, frustrated and ashamed. 
In their defense they don't know the whole story and never will but I just wish that I didn't come off as such a loser to everyone around me.
 
I just noticed a pretty huge boo boo in my post.

"my bad is one that will get much understanding later in life" should be
"my bad is one that will not get much understanding later in life"
 
I think it is hard to overcome the past when it keeps happening.
 

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