Friends don't stick, Nothing stays

Shop on amazon
Find deals on ebay
Advertise with us!
Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
W

wallflower79

Guest
For the past days as I work, as I drive, as I clean, as I make food, as I shower, I keep repeating to myself that "I don't like myself." I feel so foolish and inadequate. I feel like something is missing in my life, and I don't know why. As the second oldest of six kids, I am always used to having someone around. Going to school, I always had a built in connections in my siblings, and I was always one as a frequent new student in school to try and find a friend and then latch onto them in order to establish a connection in  the school to avoid bullying. Whenever I moved, I always tried to focus my efforts on befriending one specific person so that I could have more than an acquaintance, but a friend. Because I had acquaintances. But not friends. And then finally going to college, I was roomed with 5 to 7 other girls and there I established many connections, but it always seemed to fall short of the closeness that I saw with other people. I feel like I am disconnected with other people somehow, like I am too different and strange to see eye to eye with anyone. And now I'm alone. I live alone for the most part. But everytime I try and put myself out there with the people I meet here -- at church -- because where else am I going to go? -- they are in their own friend groups that they've been a part of for years, and it all seems so strange to me. I wish I had the closeness with someone to be able to call them every day and see them weekly, but for everyone I know that seems too much effort, because I am just the extra person that people take the time to be kind to out of a Christian duty, and then go back to their groups of friends once more and forget me. I have seen two roommates who had never met before moving become the best of friends, but somehow that will never happen to me. I don't know why I am so inadequate. I guess that is why I don't like myself.
 
I have little time this morning so pardon the short reply, I'd like to make it longer but have 4 minutes before I need to leave :p

I know this feeling, mentioned it many times before, peoples circles are formed in teens and stay closed till people start dropping out for whatever reason, I've experienced it myself, you have a good time with a group but never get that in that you are invited to come along anywhere, but it's all great fun when you happen to join for an evening once in a while by pure chance!

"in school to try and find a friend and then latch onto them in order to establish a connection in the school to avoid bullying" This makes me sad, I get why you did it of course, but wonder if this is still playing into who you pick for friends? People tend to pick up on the fact if you want their friendship for a specific reason, it can make them wary of you.


"I feel like I am disconnected with other people somehow, like I am too different and strange to see eye to eye with anyone", you're not dear :) you just have too many "normies" around, and they don't do well with anything that's not 100% pure bland flavour!

"I try and put myself out there with the people I meet here -- at church -- because where else am I going to go?", Oh oh.... religion... *runs*... Ok, so the great thing about religious people is they are so open and accepting, so helpful and caring, always ready to help you out... as long as you think like them that is... and as you well know that doesn't just hold true go the faith side either! There are very strict ones and more mild ones, you are in quite a strict one I'd say...

Cutting it off now, as I already am late now :p

*hugs* Hang in there!
 
I don't think you're inadequate. I just think life plays out a little differently for some of us. I don't have that closeness to anyone either, and sometimes I wish I did. Especially now. But then I'm glad I don't because I wouldn't want to feel like some sort of burden to someone. I think things happen for a reason, and when someone who's supposed to mean something to you comes into your life, you'll understand why.
 
Life's funny.
Luck of the draw is what I call it.
Only have one such friend myself. Called him a short while ago, hadn't spoken to him in years.
But after 5 minutes on the phone, felt like we'd been apart only a day.
It takes special people for that. And a willingness.
I'd suggest moving out of church. That friend I met in high school, in a morning class, and we're very dissimilar lol. We complete, I think. I'm the shorter, funny one, he's the tall serious one. You can find that too, but not in the same place. Too much similarity, I think, isn't necessarily the way to go. Broaden your horizons. Start new, unrelated activities and get close to the kind of people you don't usually get closed to. You might be surprised.
Anyway, it's a suggestion. But don't see it as a reflection of yourself. What you're shooting for is beautiful, but it's also incredibly high. Just keep on trucking.
 
Thanks for your responses, I really appreciate them. For your suggestions that I leave my church, I would say that I need to be more independent in order to leave, as in not have any reliance on my parents so that they don't interfere. Right now I am trying to save up for my own place, but it will be awhile.
 
wallflower79 said:
For the past days as I work, as I drive, as I clean, as I make food, as I shower, I keep repeating to myself that "I don't like myself." I feel so foolish and inadequate. I feel like something is missing in my life, and I don't know why. As the second oldest of six kids, I am always used to having someone around. Going to school, I always had a built in connections in my siblings, and I was always one as a frequent new student in school to try and find a friend and then latch onto them in order to establish a connection in  the school to avoid bullying. Whenever I moved, I always tried to focus my efforts on befriending one specific person so that I could have more than an acquaintance, but a friend. Because I had acquaintances. But not friends. And then finally going to college, I was roomed with 5 to 7 other girls and there I established many connections, but it always seemed to fall short of the closeness that I saw with other people. I feel like I am disconnected with other people somehow, like I am too different and strange to see eye to eye with anyone. And now I'm alone. I live alone for the most part. But everytime I try and put myself out there with the people I meet here -- at church -- because where else am I going to go? -- they are in their own friend groups that they've been a part of for years, and it all seems so strange to me. I wish I had the closeness with someone to be able to call them every day and see them weekly, but for everyone I know that seems too much effort, because I am just the extra person that people take the time to be kind to out of a Christian duty, and then go back to their groups of friends once more and forget me. I have seen two roommates who had never met before moving become the best of friends, but somehow that will never happen to me. I don't know why I am so inadequate. I guess that is why I don't like myself.
Click to expand...

Friendships can be tricky waters to navigate.  One thing that has been helpful to me is to be the initiator.  I call, text, and organize events often.  It isn't something that comes firsthand to me, but it does help in building more connection.  What is the amount of social media that you use?  I've found that when I'm "down" about not being invited, etc...it is not a good time to scroll social media.  I realize that some have said you should leave the church, but I would highly argue against that.  It didn't happen overnight, but the church has been a good source of friendships to me.  When I got out in the working world, it was nice to even be included in "large group" activities with people who were in other professions than me, who were within my age bracket.  I would love to tell you that you will reach a point in your life where it will become "easy," but most likely that will not be the case.  Friendships are worth the fight to find and keep.
 
tlf777 said:
wallflower79 said:
For the past days as I work, as I drive, as I clean, as I make food, as I shower, I keep repeating to myself that "I don't like myself." I feel so foolish and inadequate. I feel like something is missing in my life, and I don't know why. As the second oldest of six kids, I am always used to having someone around. Going to school, I always had a built in connections in my siblings, and I was always one as a frequent new student in school to try and find a friend and then latch onto them in order to establish a connection in  the school to avoid bullying. Whenever I moved, I always tried to focus my efforts on befriending one specific person so that I could have more than an acquaintance, but a friend. Because I had acquaintances. But not friends. And then finally going to college, I was roomed with 5 to 7 other girls and there I established many connections, but it always seemed to fall short of the closeness that I saw with other people. I feel like I am disconnected with other people somehow, like I am too different and strange to see eye to eye with anyone. And now I'm alone. I live alone for the most part. But everytime I try and put myself out there with the people I meet here -- at church -- because where else am I going to go? -- they are in their own friend groups that they've been a part of for years, and it all seems so strange to me. I wish I had the closeness with someone to be able to call them every day and see them weekly, but for everyone I know that seems too much effort, because I am just the extra person that people take the time to be kind to out of a Christian duty, and then go back to their groups of friends once more and forget me. I have seen two roommates who had never met before moving become the best of friends, but somehow that will never happen to me. I don't know why I am so inadequate. I guess that is why I don't like myself.
Click to expand...

Friendships can be tricky waters to navigate.  One thing that has been helpful to me is to be the initiator.  I call, text, and organize events often.  It isn't something that comes firsthand to me, but it does help in building more connection.  What is the amount of social media that you use?  I've found that when I'm "down" about not being invited, etc...it is not a good time to scroll social media.  I realize that some have said you should leave the church, but I would highly argue against that.  It didn't happen overnight, but the church has been a good source of friendships to me.  When I got out in the working world, it was nice to even be included in "large group" activities with people who were in other professions than me, who were within my age bracket.  I would love to tell you that you will reach a point in your life where it will become "easy," but most likely that will not be the case.  Friendships are worth the fight to find and keep.
Click to expand...

I know I just feel trapped in my situation. I don't have a lot of work colleagues -- I work in a small law firm. I do have difficulty organizing things. I think that my previously being in a relationship and not reaching out regularly to former friends as I usually do has kept me from keeping in touch with these former friends, but then I wonder why I am always the one to have to initiate the contact, but then I guess that they are busy. I'm just trying to find some self confidence, and I guess I have to stop reaching outward to get it. But I am trying.
 
wallflower79 said:
Thanks for your responses, I really appreciate them. For your suggestions that I leave my church, I would say that I need to be more independent in order to leave, as in not have any reliance on my parents so that they don't interfere. Right now I am trying to save up for my own place, but it will be awhile.
Click to expand...

Well, I didn't mean "leave" the church. I mean finding activities or hobbies unrelated to it. If Church is your thing and you enjoy it and the people there, that's good. But it shouldn't be your one stop. You can broaden your horizons. That's where the interesting people are.
Know what the nicest man I ever met in my life was? He was 6'9 probably, must've weighed 300 pounds of muscle, he was a MONSTER of a black man. I was sitting next to him on a bus, where he talked to me how he'd just finished serving a prison term for murder. Self-defence. And I got him exactly when he told me what happened. I'm not an agressive man but I probably would have been there too.
Nicest man I ever met. We spent 3 days together while I was riding on my way to Utah myself. To this day, I regret having lost his phone number and not even remembering his name. I was 19 then.
LOL Not that I'm saying to get to know the rough crowd, but sometimes you're surprised by life. Open yourself to those surprises.
 
Richard_39 said:
wallflower79 said:
Thanks for your responses, I really appreciate them. For your suggestions that I leave my church, I would say that I need to be more independent in order to leave, as in not have any reliance on my parents so that they don't interfere. Right now I am trying to save up for my own place, but it will be awhile.
Click to expand...

Well, I didn't mean "leave" the church. I mean finding activities or hobbies unrelated to it. If Church is your thing and you enjoy it and the people there, that's good. But it shouldn't be your one stop. You can broaden your horizons. That's where the interesting people are.
Know what the nicest man I ever met in my life was? He was 6'9 probably, must've weighed 300 pounds of muscle, he was a MONSTER of a black man. I was sitting next to him on a bus, where he talked to me how he'd just finished serving a prison term for murder. Self-defence. And I got him exactly when he told me what happened. I'm not an agressive man but I probably would have been there too.
Nicest man I ever met. We spent 3 days together while I was riding on my way to Utah myself. To this day, I regret having lost his phone number and not even remembering his name. I was 19 then.
LOL Not that I'm saying to get to know the rough crowd, but sometimes you're surprised by life. Open yourself to those surprises.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the advice. I will try to keep my eyes open to new experiences, Richard.
 
I feel this way too. The outsider looking in. I think you're unique and you'll find solitude in your uniqueness or someone who is unique like you. As suggested hobbies that are special to you will help even if you do them alone. Some of the best people I have met are at Salt Lake Comic Con(vention). Cons are great for making friends because there is always someone who will say "You too? I thought I was the only one!" One girl I met in line last year. She was amazing. I didn't catch her name though. =/
 
It seems like progression is a normal part of life, so I'm not sure what to make of people who stay in the same friend group they had in school. One or two better friends maybe, but the majority of your social circle? I'd be wary of those sort of people.
 
I don't think i'm still friends with anyone from a while back i.e. long term, apart from those friends I kept in contact through family lol. But I'm glad I let go off some heavy baggage in the past :/ Maybe would like to get in contact with people again maybe in the far future who knows. But then again life moves on
 
Yeah, I guess I get emotional sometimes from the loneliness of living alone. It's hard for me to have perspective and to see clearly things as they are. I do have some friends that I trust, but they are busy now and so it's hard for me to talk to them as often as I'd like. The rest of them are out of state and there is no way for me to see them in person. I am trying to let go of my baggage by not being so hard on myself or overanalyzing things. Sometimes I take people's advice too far. I guess that I enjoy the attention of people giving advice to me and being concerned. I think maybe my need for attention has to do with having 5 siblings and not being close to my parents growing up like a lot of my friends or rather former friends did. Growing up, we played in the woods and beat the hell out of each other playing, where no adult could or would intervene. I look back and I realize that that was not a normal childhood, but I guess it's whatever. Only need to move on.
 

Similar threads

A
BETTER WithOut friends??
Replies
17
Views
896
user 190541
U
okidoke
Putting in the effort
Replies
11
Views
567
okidoke
okidoke
M
Having more energy than your friends?
Replies
4
Views
375
okidoke
okidoke
M
Men - do you feel yourself becoming an 'incel'?
3 4 5
Replies
84
Views
4K
MrLonely86
M
BabyAlligator
Agoraphobia and Online Social Anxiety
Replies
5
Views
598
TheSkaFish
TheSkaFish

Latest posts

Back
Top