Cryomancy: How does one feel nothing?

So, I'm in the midst of another crush at the moment. Girl's in my general social circle. I've known her for a while, but it wasn't until late last year that we actually had a proper conversation. I won't bore you with the details, since it's not the strongest crush I've ever had. Pretty sure I'll be over it in the next month or so, since it's not like our paths cross very often. That being said, I hate getting crushes. I hate getting strong feelings for someone knowing I can never, ever act on them. And I want to never feel that way ever again. I'm good at putting up a front most of the time, but get a few drinks into me and I come undone, and I'm quite sure people can see through me anyways. 

At the age of 31, without any experience with dating and/or relationships, I'm at the point where I can't just front as an ice king, I've actually got to BE an ice king, especially if I plan on retaining any of my friendships beyond the next 5 years. I lurk this forum quite often, and I know that some of you have completely tuned out any interest in seeking romantic companionship. My question is this: How did you learn this power?

It's a choice.
I can only speak for myself. Been single for almost a decade. While I haven't completely tuned it out, judging from past experiences, it's a lot more trouble than it is worth. I'm sure it would not be the same feeling I've had in the past if I found the right person, but I've quit on that part.
Like you I get crushes. It happens. You just tune it out. My trick is to fast forward the relationship in my head 6 months and realize I'll probably be disapointed at the shallowness/lying/unemotional/insert-your-problem-here of the person I'm seeing, which has been a trend in my life, and either I'll flush her or she'll sleep with her doctor. I just can't muster up the power to believe a romantic relationship will yield any different results than it's had in the past. I've changed my approach, I've changed the nature of the people I've dated, doesn't seem to matter much. Some depressive days I believe man is a socially akward construct that is not, in fact, a social creature, but that in our primeval need to assemble for defensive purposes, we over time convinced ourselves we were.
Anyway, this is not a reflection on say "men" or "women". It's on an individual basis. But so far the individuals I've met have in no way convinced me a relationship is a worthwhile pursuit. Only good thing I got out of it was two daughters. All the rest I could have done without. So far.
Hope this helps you with your quest.

People who manage to swear off relationships are usually those who’ve had them, coming off bad divorces or a major betrayal. Their experiences differ too much to offer good advice.

It might be easier if you asked this person out. I realise that sounds really stupid. You lose a potential friend, and worse case the respect of people around you, but if you need to quickly cauterize the wound, there's an option there.

Anyway, I know how this feels. Crushes are awful.

ardour said:

People who manage to swear off relationships are  usually those who’ve had them, coming off bad divorces or a major betrayal. Their experiences differ too much to offer good advice.

It might be easier if you asked this person out. I realise that sounds really stupid. You lose a potential friend, and worse case the respect of people around you, but if you need to quickly cauterize the wound, there's an option there.

Anyway, I know how this feels. Crushes are awful.

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I feel like in this case, I'd be breaking ribs to cauterize a wound. Over the past year, I've seen my circle of friends diminish for a number of reasons. But one of them being my constant lament of my marital status. People are just sick of hearing it, which I totally understand. While I can keep it under control for the most part, it still slips out. I'm at point where suppressing is not enough. I need to get into a state of mind where I have nothing TO suppress. Or lose all of my friends by the end of the year. 

Needless to say, that asking the girl out is absolutely out of the question for me.

To further add to this, there might be a strong chance that the girl I'm crushing over, might actually be gay......

If asking her out wasn't out of the question before, it absolutely is now.

Red_Wedding_Casualty said:

To further add to this, there might be a strong chance that the girl I'm crushing over, might actually be gay......

If asking her out wasn't out of the question before, it absolutely is now.

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Do you know for sure? What makes you say she is?

VanillaCreme said:

Do you know for sure? What makes you say she is?

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Nothing officially confirmed, but it's a very strong possibility. 

The night before new years eve, we were all out for a birthday party. I remember she tried to make a move on her friend. But the friend went back to her dropkick on-off boyfriend that night. I remember tears welling up in her eyes as I tried to console her that night. Then, a few days ago, the friend suddenly mass posts a whole lot of bestie picture with the crush, along with the most flattering status I've seen written about someone ever. I know that at the end of this month, they both have a cruise planned. 

If she isn't gay, she's definitely bi with a strong leaning towards females. I get why too. Her 10 year relationship with her highschool sweetheart ended once the subject of kids came up. No doubt that she has a permanent disliking of men after that. 

The smartest choice for me to make if I want to retain friendships, is to do nothing. And wait for my feelings to subside.

g (Red_Wedding_Casualty said:

VanillaCreme said:

Do you know for sure? What makes you say she is?

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Nothing officially confirmed, but it's a very strong possibility. 

The night before new years eve, we were all out for a birthday party. I remember she tried to make a move on her friend. But the friend went back to her dropkick on-off boyfriend that night. I remember tears welling up in her eyes as I tried to console her that night. Then, a few days ago, the friend suddenly mass posts a whole lot of bestie picture with the crush, along with the most flattering status I've seen written about someone ever. I know that at the end of this month, they both have a cruise planned. 

If she isn't gay, she's definitely bi with a strong leaning towards females. I get why too. Her 10 year relationship with her highschool sweetheart ended once the subject of kids came up. No doubt that she has a permanent disliking of men after that. 

The smartest choice for me to make if I want to retain friendships, is to do nothing. And wait for my feelings to subside.

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So you think her being gay or bi is sure to result in a more negative reaction? As if she's going to crucify you for not guessing her sexuality or hates men based on assumptions about her past?  Cause  to me it seems like straight women are just as capable of reacting badly towards men they aren't attracted to. The only thing I'd avoid is maybe not try to act like a close confidant with women you're interested in in future, to keep a certain distance (friends, just not the close consoling kind)

I asked someone out at work end of last year, she declined, met someone else shortly afterward and three months later got engaged. She's probably less comfortable talking to me, and since I don't go out of my way to speak to her any more I guess that's a lost friend, but I'm also sure had I not done anything I'd be feeling a lot worse now.

Seems like you're quite sure of your decision, plus sounds like she likes this other lady, maybe there's really nothing to gain.

I used to really like crushes, then I got older and couldn't enjoy the rush unless I saw it was leading somewhere. Usually I give up when it gets too much, and if I don't mention it I know it'll make me run away, so I lose people either way...

To tune out? Get hurt enough and that'll come naturally. Or just be the ice king, embrace that distance, enjoy the comfort of feeling safe with so many walls up! Haha It's not a better solution and it'll break you just as much in the long run. Good luck, OP. =[

Crushing can be hard, especially when you're lonely and it's hard to be objective then. If you're ready to accept possibly being rejected, then no harm done in trying with this girl. You can get to know her a bit and find out if she's into men/might be into you etc. 

I think the best thing to do is to not give up and keep trying because as long as you can accept being turned down then there's nothing to lose. That's what I tell my friends when they talk to me about throwing in the towel with the dating thing. 

For me though (yes it's a little hypocritical :club: ), repeated rejection has taken it's toll. Not that I would turn down a guy who was interested (which rarely happens) but I don't care to put myself out there anymore. The hoping and trying has tired me out. 

So now if I see a guy, it's like I have no reaction. It's liberating in a way. I don't care to wear make up or dress extra nicely for every outing. I only do it  when i feel like it, for myself and not to attract a man

Red_Wedding_Casualty said:

If she isn't gay, she's definitely bi with a strong leaning towards females. I get why too. Her 10 year relationship with her highschool sweetheart ended once the subject of kids came up. No doubt that she has a permanent disliking of men after that. 

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I don't know why it was a little humorous to me to read that she no doubt has a permanent disliking of men after that experience. But I wouldn't just assume that. She might have started leaning towards females way before that. Or that might be why the relationship really ended. None of us know for certain.

DarkSelene said:

Seems like you're quite sure of your decision, plus sounds like she likes this other lady, maybe there's really nothing to gain.

I used to really like crushes, then I got older and couldn't enjoy the rush unless I saw it was leading somewhere. Usually I give up when it gets too much, and if I don't mention it I know it'll make me run away, so I lose people either way...

To tune out? Get hurt enough and that'll come naturally. Or just be the ice king, embrace that distance, enjoy the comfort of feeling safe with so many walls up! Haha It's not a better solution and it'll break you just as much in the long run. Good luck, OP. =[

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I definitely feel you on the whole walls thing, because I've done it for so long now. And even despite bettering myself for myself, there's still that very human desire for companionship that scrapes in the back of your mind. For the better part of last year, cracks have begun showing. 

VanillaCreme said:

I don't know why it was a little humorous to me to read that she no doubt has a permanent disliking of men after that experience. But I wouldn't just assume that. She might have started leaning towards females way before that. Or that might be why the relationship really ended. None of us know for certain.

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I actually should have clarified alittle more there. On the subject of kids, she REALLY wanted them. He did not, and that's how the relationship broke down. He moved to the states, found someone else, and got married, while she pursued a career as a graphic designer, actually earns some really decent bread out of it too.

Selene seems wise beyond her years, but that honestly sounds more like how women experience things (choosing when and how to get emotionally attached). Non of my experieces were like that. The only choice involved was to do something or remove myself from the situation.

Red_Wedding_Casualty said:

DarkSelene said:

Seems like you're quite sure of your decision, plus sounds like she likes this other lady, maybe there's really nothing to gain.

I used to really like crushes, then I got older and couldn't enjoy the rush unless I saw it was leading somewhere. Usually I give up when it gets too much, and if I don't mention it I know it'll make me run away, so I lose people either way...

To tune out? Get hurt enough and that'll come naturally. Or just be the ice king, embrace that distance, enjoy the comfort of feeling safe with so many walls up! Haha It's not a better solution and it'll break you just as much in the long run. Good luck, OP. =[

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I definitely feel you on the whole walls thing, because I've done it for so long now. And even despite bettering myself for myself, there's still that very human desire for companionship that scrapes in the back of your mind. For the better part of last year, cracks have begun showing. 

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Yes, I completely understand that feeling. There's always that human bit to fresia things up hahaha
I'm sorry about those cracks... It's hard to live with some, harder to accept others, but it's still just a crack. It'll be ok, or I hope so.

ardour said:

Selene seems wise beyond her years, but that honestly sounds more like how women experience things (choosing when and how to get emotionally attached). Non of my experieces were like that.  The only choice involved was to remove myself from the situation.

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Thank you. I think that at that level it's more from individual to individual, not just gendered reactions. But yes, it's definitely different for others.