I'm someone who has gotten hurt a lot by people.
Some of the pain was caused by mistakes I made, some of it was caused by others. Either way, the pain has numbed me out. I go into social situations with people and I feel like I'm not really there, and I have a hard time enjoying people because of it.
I remember when things weren't like this. When social interaction was a magical thing, and it made me feel happier than I could ever imagine. I was 15, coming out of a long, long era of talking to no one, and still fearing everyone because of the harsh bullying I had to ignore at school. I found people online that I could be myself around, and interacting with those people was one of the best times of my life. I had forgotten my sense of humor in the time I had been alone, and I had forgotten how it felt to genuinely laugh at a joke, and they helped me remember all of that. Really, I don't know who I would be if I had never found them.
It's been seven years since then, and things are different now. I've gotten hurt by the people I got close to, and I have watch the people I've held dear to me disappear. (I could go into that, but I don't want to.) The point is, I don't feel that same amount of happiness by interacting with people anymore, like I did when I was 15. Even with my boyfriend now, who has cared about me more than anyone else I've met, I find it hard to feel the same amount of happiness with him as I did with others when I was a teen. It makes me sad, because it makes me feel like I don't truly love him even though I want to. I feel like I've numbed myself out and I'm not present in life, to defend myself from getting hurt by the world. And I can't stop it, not even around him.
I guess the reason why I'm posting here is because I think this problem all started with being alone in middle school. I think I had these unrealistic, naive expectations of people when I was 15 because back then, I thought people were everything. And being alone was the worst thing and it would get me bullied. I feel like maybe someone here might have a similar experience to me with this, but I don't know. Has anyone else experienced something similar to this?
Some of the pain was caused by mistakes I made, some of it was caused by others. Either way, the pain has numbed me out. I go into social situations with people and I feel like I'm not really there, and I have a hard time enjoying people because of it.
I remember when things weren't like this. When social interaction was a magical thing, and it made me feel happier than I could ever imagine. I was 15, coming out of a long, long era of talking to no one, and still fearing everyone because of the harsh bullying I had to ignore at school. I found people online that I could be myself around, and interacting with those people was one of the best times of my life. I had forgotten my sense of humor in the time I had been alone, and I had forgotten how it felt to genuinely laugh at a joke, and they helped me remember all of that. Really, I don't know who I would be if I had never found them.
It's been seven years since then, and things are different now. I've gotten hurt by the people I got close to, and I have watch the people I've held dear to me disappear. (I could go into that, but I don't want to.) The point is, I don't feel that same amount of happiness by interacting with people anymore, like I did when I was 15. Even with my boyfriend now, who has cared about me more than anyone else I've met, I find it hard to feel the same amount of happiness with him as I did with others when I was a teen. It makes me sad, because it makes me feel like I don't truly love him even though I want to. I feel like I've numbed myself out and I'm not present in life, to defend myself from getting hurt by the world. And I can't stop it, not even around him.
I guess the reason why I'm posting here is because I think this problem all started with being alone in middle school. I think I had these unrealistic, naive expectations of people when I was 15 because back then, I thought people were everything. And being alone was the worst thing and it would get me bullied. I feel like maybe someone here might have a similar experience to me with this, but I don't know. Has anyone else experienced something similar to this?