Pain has diluted me into a dry shell

I actually am writing this for therapeutic reasons as I guess all of us do here as we don’t have anyone in our lives that genuinely would care that we are hurting. If some of you do have someone in your life, cherish it, as it’s rarer then you think.
I’m 35 yrs old and have wasted years on drugs, I feel like I have just woke up and lost 15 years of my life. My emotions are dulled, my sensations don’t shine as bright as they once did so Im just depression in human form, I just accept all the bad things like I’m desensitised but I know deep down you can never be because I wake crying early hours of the morning when everyone’s asleep.

Someone who I thought was a dear friend has just stopped talking to me and ignoring me, the scariest part about it is I legit don’t understand why. You could read this and think maybe I crushed on her, made her uncomfortable, all of that but this is a rare time where I actually have not done anything. I think because I’m so lonely I must be looking for someone to save me as why would I gravitate to people who can throw me away so easily?

My mother’s Ill and had such a rough life, and my family are all going through unhealthy things in their life. It’s now been 4 months where I don’t work, and I just game like a hermit, a loser trying to block out the reality he created.

I read all your posts and think we all go through the same don’t we? So why can’t I find comfort in that? Am I so arrogant and self absorbed that I believe no one else feels the same as me?
I want to be loved by someone that I want to die for, for once I need something or someone to believe in, but nothing changes, I guess I don’t change.
I’m really lost, and my eyes leak at the most stupid times, I don’t want to believe that some people win the life lottery because most of us don’t appreciate what we have anyway, but it seems everyone I meet have people...friends they meet and go out with them, I find that crazy that people have that it’s so alien to me.

But I’d accept anybody, I don’t care about looks or anything, I just don’t want to die not to feel any love in my life. I’m at a point where nothing gives me strength, I’m dying in the worst way possible, by wasting the life I have on nothing on absolute fresia all.

Sorry I don’t have a question, I wrote this really for myself, I can’t stop crying whilst writing this..maybe because I have no outlet for my desperation.
I’m not even scared of dying anymore, I never thought I’d say that but it’s the truth.
No good days come anymore, not even average days, I’d do anything for an average day but I’m so fkn insignificant that I’m not worth anything to anyone, and I don’t have the strength anymore to fight.

If anyone here still has their imagination, and if you still feel your emotions i ******* promise you, you are so close to healing, just don’t ever let that die, keep your desires strong, as some of us are to far gone for even that.

Jesus. That's pretty bleak. You're really at the low end of the arc aren't you? Keep soldiering through this until the arc starts swinging upward again. It'll happen, there's no surrender.....don't let the f****d upness win.

Is it possible that this friend is having some real problems of their own and has cut themselves off as part of dealing with that? Some people do seem to cope with heavy stuff in this sort of way. Total shot in the dark from me here.

constant stranger said:

Jesus.  That's pretty bleak.  You're really at the low end of the arc aren't you?   Keep soldiering through this until the arc starts swinging upward again.  It'll happen, there's no surrender.....don't let the f****d upness win.

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Thanks for the kind words I wasn’t expecting replies, i Just needed an outlet

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Paraiyar said:

Is it possible that this friend is having some real problems of their own and has cut themselves off as part of dealing with that? Some people do seem to cope with heavy stuff in this sort of way. Total shot in the dark from me here.

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Fortunately it’s the opposite, she’s young happy and living life. She has an amazing zest for life and people.....it’s a little embarrassing to say but there are people who have known her a couple of months and she goes out with them and they all go back to her mums pub.

The embarrassing part I guess is Because of my skin colour I don’t fit in with her environment. Basically her parents don’t like anyone of colour, and she’s been bought up in a very white English proud family, so that’s why I was never allowed to do those things with her like the others do.

But it’s not her fault, she’s a product of the environment she was bought up in, and I’m sure who she has in her life really care about her, so I say fortunately it’s not because anything bad has happened to her.

I found this out through Facebook, it’s not my thing but I was feeling pathetic so I looked.
Your shot in the dark is welcome, thanks for taking time out your day to respond to such a neurotic post.

Sounds lame, but you have to be your own best friend. If you didn't some how care about your self you wouldn't have reached out... Some one recently told me I am in the gutter, maybe from their perspective this is true, but its still,My life I have to live every day. Be strong

MSeahorse said:

Sounds lame, but you have to be your own best friend. If you didn't some how care about your self you wouldn't have reached out... Some one recently told me I am in the gutter, maybe from their perspective this is true, but its still,My life I have to live every day. Be strong

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It’s not lame, what you’re saying is the truth. Problem is I’ve learnt all these lessons way too late, I don’t have any fight, I can’t find strength on such a weak foundation that is me. It’s so strange that I can say this on a forum where no one can see me or know me, it feels so easy to write this.
But the truth is I hate myself, I’m a contradiction, I’m a hypocrite, I’m arrogant and self absorbed, I don’t feel I’m worthy of this life that someone else could have done something with.
I accept that out of the billions of people ever born,  I truly believe some of us really are insignificant, I think I am one of those. I probably say this because my depression is severe right now, but it’s nice that you posted considering your own low.

It is absolutely depression. I can tell you from experience that depending on my level of depression, I wake up every day with the same life circumstances but sometimes a different out look depending on my emotionally state

**** dude I'm going to be honest this is a big fear of mine.

To be 35 and to be in the exact same rut that I am currently in. 

That does not sound like a recipe for a good life.