Self-harm

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lovableplatypus

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First of all I'm not sure if this kind of stuff is allowed here. I tried to read the rules but I couldn't find about self-harm. This is not a suicide thread.

I've been working for almost a year now. Sometimes I make mistakes and I take them really hard. I just usually end up crying alone to relieve the pain of embarrassment and other feelings that I feel. I always feel like on the edge and even small failures make me go in a panic mode and I can't relax, am on the verge of crying etc. Today felt like it's all too much. What I did wasn't a major mistake though. No money was lost from our company, no one got hurt, it's nothing serious, just a simple thing where I just should have known better. I know everybody makes mistakes. Of course I don't know what others feel deep inside but when someone else makes a mistake they just seem to laugh it off, learning from their mistakes but not becoming miserable over them. Unlike me.

I don't know how I can face my boss tomorrow, she can get really scary. Or maybe she won't say a thing. I am so afraid what if I start crying because that's what I will most likely do. I believe I might be overreacting to this badly. So I got home and took a razor blade. I've never done this before and will not go into detail because that's not necessary. All I know is that it helped me but now I can't stop thinking what's wrong with me. What if this will turn into a habit? How is it that I can't seem to take these mistakes that I make, they are too much, I feel so stupid and I'm so embarrassed. I don't know what else I should have done except self-harm at this point.
 
lovableplatypus said:
I know everybody makes mistakes.

I can relate. Though a lot of people literally don't know the meaning of the above. I'm at 2 disciplinary measures for things I did not know (though I somehow should have known, someway). I react the same way you do, though not as self-harm. Because I am not responsible for how others feel, I'm not them. I also can,t change anything about it, no matter how much someone bitches and groans, even if it would be a million dollar mistake. Some people can't accept that.
So the question is, why do you feel this mistake is enough of a concern to warrant you physically hurting yourself over it? Will the pain somehow correct it, or prevent others from happening in the future? No, it will not....
Also, you mention your boss. What do you think she'd react to knowing this? Wouldn't that cause much greater concern than the mistake you made? What happens when it IS big enough? You cut your arm off?
The only advice I can tell you is one you probably already know; go talk to someone. This isn't something you should live with alone. It helps to talk to someone, really talking to someone, who won't judge you.
I saw a social worker for a time; it helped to talk freely. Unlike a shrink, he can give you advice. It WILL concern him/her enough. As it should.

Be safe, kiddo.
 
Hello Platypus,
Emotional pain can be overwhelming, please try to find another way to deal with it other than harming your self, because yes it can become a habit.
As scary as your boss may be or even if you do tear up tomorrow, please try right now to stop beating your self up. All might go perfectly fine tomorrow or it may be a bit awkward. Either way, what ever this incident will blow over, so try your best to go to work tomorrow and not give it too much thought.
 
Richard_39,

I feel like everything has been piling up inside me and this was just too much for me to handle, could have been any kind of mistake to trigger self-harm, who knows. I've never understood people who cut themselves until now; it helps relieve the pain, I know this sounds unbelievable. This is so stupid but I really felt like at least I can have control over something, if not the situation and my feelings then at least this. I don't know how else to explain this. I won't be at this job for more than 6 months and I was thinking maybe then I can go talk to someone. Mixing help with my random work schedule sounds too complicated, although it also feels wrong to put work before health. I don't know.

Seahorse,

You're absolutely right, I have to stop this. I will try not to think about this too much.
Thank you both for replies. It means a lot to me as I don't have anyone to talk about this.
 
lovableplatypus said:
Richard_39,

I feel like everything has been piling up inside me and this was just too much for me to handle, could have been any kind of mistake to trigger self-harm, who knows. I've never understood people who cut themselves until now; it helps relieve the pain, I know this sounds unbelievable. This is so stupid but I really felt like at least I can have control over something, if not the situation and my feelings then at least this. I don't know how else to explain this. I won't be at this job for more than 6 months and I was thinking maybe then I can go talk to someone. Mixing help with my random work schedule sounds too complicated, although it also feels wrong to put work before health. I don't know.

Seahorse,

You're absolutely right, I have to stop this. I will try not to think about this too much.
Thank you both for replies. It means a lot to me as I don't have anyone to talk about this.
Having control is they KEY. The self harm did give you some control, but not in a good way. Researching and learning better ways to deal will also give you control.
 
Once isn't a habit, kiddo. More than once becomes a necessity and a gabit that becomes difficult to kick.
I'd make time to go talk to someone right now, in like the next few hours, or days. Because there's always "the next mistake" and I would hate to learn something bad happened to you. It doesn't need to be a full blow "therapy" thing, just talk to someone who knows about these things. Who could listen to you. Convert that need to do harm to yourself into something else, because you're going down a dark path...
I punch a wall. Brusies my knuckles a little bit, but I make sure all the hate or remorse I feel goes into that one blow. Not enough to actually cause damage. But cutting yourself is very, VERY dangerous. I was taught how to blade for what I wanted to do and I know firsthand, even if it's not the intention, that accidents can happen quickly. So please, find something else and go talk to somebody when you can. MAKE the time.
It's important.
 
Maybe I can find a forum where I can talk about this. I don't want to talk about this to my friends in real life.

Yeah once isn't a habit. I'm just afraid it might become one, eventually, because now I've gotten a taste of it and it doesn't seem that bad. I know this sounds horrible and I will find some other ways to relieve these feelings.
 
lovableplatypus said:
Maybe I can find a forum where I can talk about this. I don't want to talk about this to my friends in real life.

Yeah once isn't a habit. I'm just afraid it might become one, eventually, because now I've gotten a taste of it and it doesn't seem that bad. I know this sounds horrible and I will find some other ways to relieve these feelings.

I think there are plenty of forums to talk about such issues, it may be useful along with reading self help articles etc. Both are positive ways of you having some control over your emotional issues.
 
I don't work outside the home right now, but when I did, I would get so worked up if I did something wrong. My mind would start racing with all the what ifs and I was so hard on myself. I am very perfectionistic and maybe a little OCD. I have learned over the years though that I think I have greater expectations of myself than others have of me. I have learned that everyone makes mistakes once in a while and actually people are more open to me when I make mistakes. People are intimidated by perfectionists. You are human. You have feelings. Allow yourself to feel disappointment in yourself, then forgive yourself and make tomorrow the first day of the rest of your life.
 
I have been crying all day over what I did to myself. Otherwise today was fine. Arm was hurting a little but I tried not to use it that much.

SugarPie, that sounds just like me. I will have to remind myself that everybody makes mistakes.

What makes things extra hard at work is that I don't have a lot of friends there, everybody seem to be friends with each other but I'm always the outsider. When I make a mistake I feel like I'm alone with it.
 
You're not. Maybe at work, but then again I don't know your work, maybe they're all prigs ;-)
You got people right here that don't know you and worry about you, that has to count for something, right?
 
It's the workplace that makes me feel so alone, you know, being lonely with people around you type of feeling.

I feel much better after writing here and it means so much to me when you guys spend time writing on my thread.
 
It is a very difficult habit to break out of, and even when you do, if things get really bad it is so, so difficult not to get back into it again.
(I speak from experience there unfortunately)
 
Been there, not a good place to be. Did it regularly during my last spell on ALL in 2012/2013.

A few months ago back in December, I lost a job I'd had for just 3 weeks, having been out of work for 18 months beforehand, and I ended up walking home instead of getting the bus. It took me over an hour and I spent the time, using a key, cutting over an old wound on my lower arm and all over my face. I was laughing while I did it. I've felt crazy beforehand, but that night I felt like The Joker when he fell into the vat of chemicals. I just felt shame of letting my loved ones down and feeling useless. I realised when I got home that I was trying, subconsciously, to display physical reflections of the pain I was feeling emotionally as a means of truly showing others what I was going through. It only hurt them even more, and they only provided me with support rather than lambasting criticism over losing the job. Which in turn made me feel worse, but then I realised what I had. Without them, I wouldn't bother sticking around. Ultimately, self-harm is a sad reflection of the pain we experience and the belief that we should suffer for our failings. I've done it since then, when my most recent job started to go wrong. On that occasion I scratched my face. What did it achieve? Just a scar on my eyelid. It's a sad state of affairs, but there are better ways of flushing the pain out of your system.

Please don't hate yourself like I have hated myself. You're worth far more than that.
 
One thing I've noticed about work is that some supervisors write people up because their supervisor expect it of them. Other times they are just bullies.
 
Boss never mentioned it, it's just the reation from somenoe else that got me so depressed. I haven't done this self harm thing ever since and hope I won't in the future. Scars are visible, fading slowly. Thank you all for writing on this thread. You were there for me as I had absolutely no one I would have wanted to talk about this with in real life. :)
 
Seosa said:
Been there, not a good place to be. Did it regularly during my last spell on ALL in 2012/2013.

A few months ago back in December, I lost a job I'd had for just 3 weeks, having been out of work for 18 months beforehand, and I ended up walking home instead of getting the bus. It took me over an hour and I spent the time, using a key, cutting over an old wound on my lower arm and all over my face. I was laughing while I did it. I've felt crazy beforehand, but that night I felt like The Joker when he fell into the vat of chemicals. I just felt shame of letting my loved ones down and feeling useless. I realised when I got home that I was trying, subconsciously, to display physical reflections of the pain I was feeling emotionally as a means of truly showing others what I was going through. It only hurt them even more, and they only provided me with support rather than lambasting criticism over losing the job. Which in turn made me feel worse, but then I realised what I had. Without them, I wouldn't bother sticking around. Ultimately, self-harm is a sad reflection of the pain we experience and the belief that we should suffer for our failings. I've done it since then, when my most recent job started to go wrong. On that occasion I scratched my face. What did it achieve? Just a scar on my eyelid. It's a sad state of affairs, but there are better ways of flushing the pain out of your system.

Please don't hate yourself like I have hated myself. You're worth far more than that.

You know, this actually really touched me. While I've never performed self-harm as you describe, I've skirted close. Especially these days when I myself feel so unstable, a failiure in many ways. I agree with your assessement. When you hurt inside, you kind of try and exteriorize it, or punish yourself for being unable to do what you perceive to be something you should be able to do easily, in our own perceptions. It's not a good behavior, but at the same time, it's not coming from an illogical place, which makes it something hard to live with and fight when something big happens.

In the end, you're entirely right, you should not hate yourself and when you feel that kind of pain clawing at you, there are other ways you can manage it or exteriorize it than harming yourself for it. Because as a human being, all of us should be treated with compassion, especially by ourselves.

Very touching post, my friend.
 

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