In my case....it's complicated.
I don't know how I can sum it up in short words, but I'll try. I was basically with someone since I was around 12 or 14, up until I was 28. Someone different, all the time, my longest relationship lasted 3 years and with the mother of my children. I like to think it's all their fault (of course, who doesn't fess up to their responsibilities..) but I know better than that now. Suffice it to say that my own flaws or problems are not what ultimately caused the relationships to fail, although my own outlooks did. I kept getting disappointed. A situation would arise where I would see a person's true colors beyond what they were capable of hiding by themselves, the person they don't show anyone and being incredibly perceptive bordering on supernatural, it would instantly disgust me and disappoint me. One asked me to choose between her and my children. Another could not get around her drug abuse problem even though she assured me they would. I took care of them for a time until I decided I'd had enough of having 3 daughters instead of two...
It was hard, at first. I had a phase, maybe 6 months in, where I grew so...let's call it physically lacking, I considered hiring a prostitute. What didn't help was that I didn't have any money lol. Then, eventually, that went away. To the point where it's actually hard to remember what it was like. While I'll not deny I miss companionship, by that meaning the small moments, say cuddling in front of a tv show together or some such, I miss none of the rest. I don't miss the oppositions, the fights, the arguments, all that characterises a relationship. And since I was so often in the drivers seat, which is something I always reproched the ones I was with (I was trying to train them into being "independent women" instead of trying to become housewives, fancy that...)at some point, I grew tired moderately quickly. I didn't see a point in keeping any of it since the advantages were so minimal...
But...I still loved them. And every time I broke up with someone, a piece of my heart went with it. Up until about 3 years ago, I fancied the notion I was made of stone. Nothing much got at me anymore. Stoicism has always been a way of life for me, and I figured I was there. Then the unthinkable happenned...it's still fresh, I haven't decided really yet, but I don't know if it actually mended my heart or broke off the remaining pieces of it that made me human. I wonder if it's my intellect going on when inside, really, there isn't much anymore. I'm constantly surprised by my capability to "switch off", which was always there, but seems so much more easy now. Only thing I still do care about, which I am not able to switch off, is those two tiny human beings. But I've yet to discover someone that would cancel that ability as well. In fact, more often than not, I'm actively looking AWAY from it. Even when I get hit on.
When I was a kid, I used to play books where you're the hero, in french. They were fun, but Iactually followed the rules. One series in particular I related to strongly, because it reminded me so much of what type of person I would grow into, in a perfect world for me. This was years before other events shaped my life, I was maybe 9 at the time, if not younger. The series was called Lone Wolf (in french, Loup Solitaire). Last of a reclusive order of war monks, he was a young recruit away when his entire order was killed. He was alone and he saved the world....those book spoke of a despair I didn't feel yet, my life was what you would consider a paradise at the time, but I found myself longing for that despair, that solitude, that...I don't know, atmosphere. It's a feeling more than a word. I was drawn to it.
20 years later, much like him, I don't want it...but it's who I am now. I am Loup Solitaire. There's things I've seen no one ever will and I know that of all the people on this planet, I'm strong enough to bear the burden when others would fall. That makes me responsible for it. For all those who would fall.
So, that's why I walk alone. That's why I chose to stay as such. I figure if I find another one,I might have room in my life.But there's only a chance in a billion.
Am I happy with it? I don't know. Is anyone really 100% happy with their lives? It's my default state. I know building something with someone would be harder than that default state and somehow, untrue to who I am, or rather grew up to be. But I am content in things being the way they are, for the time being. It's hard to add another wolf to the pack right now.
